Mori

Bring a flashlight. 

Bring an extra flashlight.

Walk the perimeter. Locate all possible exits.

Do not be deterred by barbed-wire, high walls, and locked doors. But be on the lookout for holes and tunnels leading to the building.

Wear a mask, gloves, and ideally, a complete protection suit.

Test your steps.

Have a fully charged cellphone with you in case you get trapped. 

If the water is still working, leave immediately.

Never shut the doors behind you. 

The old man sitting by the campfire is not real. The campfire is.

Check if the campfire is built on concrete. If not, leave.

Talk to the man if you want to find yourself.

It is advised to bring a bottle of whiskey.

Be careful not to break anything.

If you hear a woman yell ’Don’t wake the baby!’, yell back ’You don’t wake the baby!’

Avoid the man sitting in front of a trash can fire. He is real, the fire is not. It burns souls.

Do not sit in the armchair. 

If a door you had opened is now closed, pray it was the wind. 

Some rooms might be more chilly than others. It is normal.

If you get a message from a friend asking to hang out, do not reply.

They are always watching.

A creaking floor is a bad omen.

The sudden breaking of windows is to be ignored.

The building might not want you to leave.

If there is music playing, it’s probably the wind carrying it from someplace else.

There are cats. Many cats.

The cats can protect you.

Do not look through the windows.

Do not take any pictures with flash. Some things are better left unseen. 

Leave some food for the cats. 

More guides

When driving at night

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“Frequency analysis of online databases suggests that the most statistically probable explanation is that ‘the butler did it’.”

“Slu…”

“Yes, sir?”

“How much did you cost to build?”

“22 million dollars, sir.”

“‘Slu… these are cat pictures…”

“Yes, sir.”

“It says you have met this quota perfectly since your activation April.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It also says that there has been a single culprit in each case.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It says that culprit is SleuthBot9000. Slu… have you been committing crimes just so you can solve them and meet quota?”

“SleuthBot9000 has retired from the force.”

“Oh thank god.”

“Yeah uh… turns out trying to solve crimes algorithmically using machine learning was a disaster, and fine-tuning it to think more like a real cop had some, ah, unintended results.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Well, within three days it had become a racial profiling machine. We did some experiments and had it watch a basketball game. Every time a white player passed the ball to a black player, Slu identified the orange basketball as a gun and started recommending defensive action. It did the same thing when we showed it a video of a black toddler playing with a toy truck. It finally glitched out when we asked it to identify a black couple holding hands - it got confused because its new algorithm told it that it was looking at a gun paradoxically holding and being held by another gun. It started sparking and babbling incoherent nonsense until Sgt. Delaney shut it down.”

“So that’s the end of SleuthBot9000?”

“I’m afraid so, Henley.”

“I thought you said it had retired to counting electric sheep!”

“Yes, well, it’s back and it looks like it’s here to stay. Get used to it.”

“But… why?! It was comically incompetent! It was humiliating to work with… I’m still sending getting angry letters demanding apologies for its behavior and dismal policing. I watched it try to arrest a bronze statue for loitering, Captain! A bronze statue!”

“The one that looks like an old lady with a bag of groceries? Can’t say I blame it - never liked that statue much. The thing is, Henley, you and I both know that it was a bad detective and a joke of a cop. But… believe it or not, it did its job. Not the one we wanted it for, no, but the whole point in automating detective work was to improve policing. According to the sociologists and Internal Affairs, our friend Slu was a goddamn psychology experiment designed to inspire human achievement through relative failure. Statistics show that all departments issued a SleuthBot9000 experienced a dramatic decrease in reports of human misconduct, wrongful arrests, and violent altercations with civilians. Apparently Slu serves as a mocking mirror of our own incompetence and fills us with a desire to be better than we are. The actual damage it has caused is negligible.”

“So. We’re just gonna… let it do its thing? Its horrible, horrible thing? Because we want to perform humanity more gracefully?”

“Bingo. It’s getting a promotion.”

“That’s stupid.”

…the huge guy who’s carrying the real contestant

Day 2418 - 31 August 2018

A belated birthday gift for @RainbowTrash_ from @Entrivax !!

Forbidden creatures

Some #poetry for any folks I know who are struggling. What are your favourite good things to remember in hard times?

“Tell me good things.” They say. And their mouth is a music box Tinkling sounds grinding down Their tongue a crank shaft.

I want to tell them about Sara Tucholsky And the time she hit a home run Then felt something tear Taut meat snapping loose like a wire Only for her opponents to carry her round the field This is how a team of enemies Make themselves a ligament.

“Tell me good things.” They say. Their eyes are hedgehogs Curling Frozen in the traffic.

I want to remind them La Maupin existed And advise them to solve their problems With duels and wild affairs To sing your life in the sounds Of clashing swords, smacking lips And burning convents And conventions.

“Tell me good things.” They say. Their throat is a drowning pool Rippling in the wind Both shallow and ever deep enough.

I want to tell them about the Chicago Cubs I want to tell them about Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels I want to tell them about Sir Nils (the Norwegian penguin who was made a knight) I want to tell them about Mary ‘none more goth’ Shelley.

But I don’t I look at their glacier lips (trembling at a rate of 1 meter a year) And I whisper Their own name

and an immovable object meet

but they are holding hands

.

An unstoppable force

and an immovable object

go grocery shopping,

and the unstoppable force

gets the eggs and milk

while the immovable object

feels up avocados and peaches

in the produce section

.

The unstoppable force

and the immovable object

take turns being unstoppable

and immovable,

take turns being forces

and objects and girls,

take turns behind the wheel

on long drives

.

The unstoppable force

makes the best hummus

and the immovable object

makes the best meringues

Their lives are filled

with little cookie crumbs

and dishes left till morning

.

The unstoppable force

and the immovable object meet,

and they call it impossible,

they call it inevitable,

they call it nothing

because it just is

It’s a hypothetical until it’s not

It’s a frictionless sphere

in a perfect vacuum, but

then how can I hear you

turning in the night?

.

A unstoppable force

and an immovable object meet

and they say, you.

I will move for you.

I will move the earth

for you.