make it look so easy

     “oooooh,” he responds, excited about the prospect of a surprise surprise as he had called it. it’s exciting, honestly, to suddenly have yohan show up and tell him he’s taking him somewhere and just to trust him. noah hasn’t experienced excitement like this in ages and he genuinely can’t contain the grin that spreads across his face at the older male’s words. 

      following along after yohan, he nods excitedly, letting him take his bag. “i packed some chips and a few sticks of instant coffee,” he adds helpfully, watching as his bag is added into the rest of the supplies already in the car. he can feel the excitement building as he climbs into the passenger seat, checking his pockets once more to make sure that he hadn’t forgotten his phone or his wallet, not wanting to be a burden to yohan.

     after all, this was an impromptu trip and noah was just going along for the ride. 

     “no way! i’m not going to back out on a trip,” he exclaims, grinning. especially not with you. he keeps that last part to himself though, cheeks slightly pink though he only turns to look out the window to hide the blush on his cheeks. it’s exciting, and he has to remind himself not to think too into this little trip with yohan or he might get ahead of himself and start dreaming up different scenarios. he can’t let himself get carried away though and he shakes his head slightly to try to get rid of those thoughts, to stop them from going down a path he shouldn’t let them go down.

     “especially since hyung planned it,” noah adds, unable to help himself from saying it. he glances over at yoahn, watching as he prepares himself to drive and he fights the smile that wants to spread across his lips. “i’m really excited.”

"good! prepare to be more excited!" yohan grins at noah, his nose scrunching up in delight as he grabs at this seatbelt, clicking it into place before moving to back the car out of the parking spot. 

the roads are practically empty due to the late hour especially around their campus and before they know it, they're almost on the highway headed towards their end destination. here's a very small pit of anxiety in his yohan's stomach as they drive, a worry that noah won't be as excited about yohan's surprise as he is right now. and yohan is terrified of disappointing his friend. but it's easy to bury the feeling as he continues to be overwhelmed by the sheer giddiness that yohan is also feeling, seeing noah's excitement. 

"here," yohan says as he hands over his phone to noah. "pick out something for us to listen to." as he drives, the car dark save for the illumination of streetlights they pass. "i have a few playlists but feel free to pick whatever you're in the mood for." 

Everything about that whole situation sounds so outdated and yet familiar, as if jaemin’s been living in constant deja vu. He doesn’t really remember a time where he felt so awkward, so out of place, suffocated in his own thoughts and lack of action, it almost feels painful to breathe. He struggles to find a place to sit for a moment but then just releases a deep breath and sits down, tamed like a good puppy, as if following his ex’s directions.

 The air feels heavier and jaemin struggles with his hands – in any other time they would find rest over yohan’s shoulders, pulling him closer until their lips touched and the movie would be forgotten, because jaemin hated them; but now the reality welcomes him with hands touching his own thighs as he tries not to react when their arms touch, eyes fixed on the screen in front of them, playing some ending credits from the previous movie session. 

“you could have said no, you know what. You wanted to–” jaemin finds his voice to punch back a reply but is interrupted by the lights being dimmed and the movie that finally starts. There’s a gap between them, words being held in suspense as he tries to relax against his seat. 

And he wants to remain in silence but something yohan said comes back, ringing in his ears and making his head turn to face the man’s profile; he’s struck for a split second, yohan is still so handsome it hurts and once again he struggles with his words. “you know how much I hate this, but you’re right, soon it’ll all be over.” 

Quietly, he turns his head back to the screen, where a guy bumps against a girl, the typical first meeting cliché that just makes Jaemin roll his eyes and shake his head, his intrigued voice one more time reaching Yohan’s ears. “Why are you here?”

yohan is a fucking idiot. 

he thought he would be able to go through with this, that he would be able to watch jaemin go on a date with another person and then head back to the music club and pretend like everything was right with the world. and when that didn't exactly pan out he thought that he might be able to do the opposite and steel his nerves and watch this stupid sappy romance movie with his ex-boyfriend and then it would be all over. he thought he might be able to stitch himself back up and shove all of his feelings about jaemin back into a neatly labeled box and pretend like nothing ever affected him. 

but here sitting the dark pressed closely next to each other has yohan remembering. their few first dates were something just as simple as this, grabbing take out together and watching movies. but it was never as simple as it sounded. no, they never actually watched the movies as much as they tried instead it had ended in a flurry of movement, of the feeling of jaemin's body pressed tightly up against him and the taste of his mouth as they spent the rest of the time making out until the room fell dark with the credits, rinse and repeat. 

now though they're close enough that yohan could reach out and touch jaemin but he isn't allowed to do that anymore. so instead he has to sit here and pretend that none of that ever happened, that they didn't mean as much to each other as they had, like jaemin hadn't spent more time with possession of yohan's heart than he did for the year or so they were together. 

and just like he said, soon it'll all be over. it was, it was over quickly and in a fiery blaze that still left him hurt and burn form their words that cut so deep with every fight they had. 

jaemin's right, yohan could have said no. he could have turned away from this and let someone else from the club be in this position instead of himself, could have saved himself the hurt of it all. but maybe he thought it would be easier, maybe he thought seeing jaemin with some other pretty girl or boy would help him get over him sooner. the time they've spent in the club hasn't been easy on either of them but it hasn't been made any easier by yohan's feelings. 

"getting into kyungwon, of course."

that's the stock answer, the one he uses in interviews for scholarships or with family friends. but the long and short of it is, yohan's biggest accomplishment is his independence. for years, living under his parents thumbs, letting them drag him into their petty fights and last minute life decisions have left an impact on him. he was used to giving so much of himself to everyone else that somewhere during the end of his high school years that it felt like there was nothing left and he was so close to being hollow. 

     the grin that spreads across yohan’s face has a smile widening across his own in return. there’s something about his best friend’s smile that’s quite infectious. maybe it’s the dimple that appears so readily at all times, visible even through the video call, whereas jinwoo’s only appears when he makes strange faces. he’s been told they kind of resemble ‘frog faces.’

     at yohan’s denial, he gasps in dramatic despair, even though it’s more than obvious that both of them know yohan means nothing of the sort. “you wound me, han-ah. you really do,” he clutches at his chest with a mock sorrowful noise, before he settles down.

     "honestly, i kind of miss korea,“ he admits with a laugh. "coming back to visit did me no good whatsoever. it just made me miss it more,” he runs his hand through his hair absently. “but i mean, other than kind of missing home, it’s been really good. i can’t believe how many months it’s been already, han — and there’s been this person, pretty interesting, i’ve had a couple of run-ins with them and it’s always been… interesting.”

     "what about you? how’s your week been?“

yohan knows what it feels like to be displaced. back when his parents divorce had turned sour, the fights had been vicious often dragging yohan into the middle of it. that's when his mom made the decision that leaving korea for good was a better decision for the both of them. while the idea of london had been exciting in the beginning, it had left him feeling homesick for home for months. he thought moving to seoul for uni would help repair the deep ache in his chest, but instead sometime when he hadn't been paying attention yohan had traded the definition of home to mean neither london nor toronto but more where his mom was. 

but yohan had made his decision and now four years into undergrad, he hasn't any regrets. instead of letting the weird feeling in his chest to swallow him whole, he's taken to creating to making his own makeshift family. 

yohan wants to admit to jinwoo just how much he misses him too and how hard it was to learn who he was without his best friend by his side. but yohan knows his attachment isn't maybe as healthy as it is in other friendships so he keeps his words to himself. instead he swallows the feelings of how he struggled to not to look for jinwoo's telltale laughter in party's and group settings, how he had to learn not to seek out his friend's tall frame in crowded hallways after class, or the urge he got to text him when he's spent far too long in the studio and the loneliness had started to creep back in and he missed jinwoo's quiet and comfortable company. 

Jaemin groaned and that was his first reaction, quickly followed by anger. The fact that he had to spend his free time, something that was scarce, with something more pleasurable than being inside a stupid tent watching some stupid romantic movie was already ridiculous but being forced to be in the presence of his ex-boyfriend seemed to make him even more bothered. 

“I bet you chose to be here.” He sneered, avoiding eye contact with Yohan at first. He already had to endure being around him during club meetings and now this. 

Jaemin crossed his arms, a habit he acquired through the years, somehow feeling more protected like that, his nails digging holes in his own skin as he finally took a deep breath, realizing he wouldn’t be able to run away from Yohan right now. It was almost comical how he tried to avoid him after their break up and how no matter how many times he tried, life always went up against his wishes and placed them close to each other. 

“I hate this so much” he muttered to himself, turning around and started to walk back inside the tent, finding a place to sit, somewhere far from curious stares from the rest of couples that packed the small place. Looking over his shoulder, he threw an indifferent “I wonder what you’re getting from this besides having to look at my dazzling visuals” and sat down, arms still crossed and a bored expression as he stared at the other man, waiting for his retort; they would come, in the end.

the glee he felt at the situation quickly fades from yohan as he feels his shoulder's drop. he's not a mean person by nature. but there's just something about jaemin that brings it out of him kicking and screaming, unti lhe was filled with nothing but anger and frustration, left seething and having to remember to breathe. 

he's here for one reason and one reason only, to ensure that jaemin completes his dare. he wants nothing more in this moment then to turn on his heel and walk away from the other but he knows that would let jaemin know that he won, that he succeeded in driving yohan away again. and yohan knows the price of doing that would be his own dare coming back to haunt him later down the road. 

so instead he squares his shoulders and glances jaemin over wondering how they ever got here. he remembers a time when they weren't like this, where there wasn't so much hostility in their words. there was a time where yohan loved jaemin so much that it filled him to the brim and left him wondering if he would ever have room for anything else. but now, well now, there's pain left in its place, like a forest struggling to heal after being ravaged by a fire. the very thought of it leaves him sad and exhausted. how quickly they've come to this when just a few months ago yohan was very much in love with jaemin. (and maybe the truth of it is that he still is, but that's a secret for another time). 

and while he blames the other members of the club for pressuring him into doing this, yohan knows that he was secretly hoping that the sight of jaemin on a date with another person would finally break his heart and give him the closure he's been desperately searching for.

"i didn't choose to be here. you know the others are. but you should feel lucky that it's not me and one of the others." yohan sighs and looks past jaemin at the couples taking their seats under the quickly dimming lights. "one movie and it'll all be over." he'll do jaemin the favor of helping him complete his dare and be done with it.

bad idea

@yohankw

he doesn’t know how he’d ended up here. among all places, amongst all the clubs he could’ve been dragged to. somehow, some way, he’s standing in front of the free spirits club. he blames kota for this –– and he blames himself for attempting to be a good friend. this was not what he’d had in mind when he said he’d support the clubs around school.

a haunted house.

junyoung hated them, and as much as he’d like to pretend like he wasn’t easily spooked, junyoung was honestly the kind of guy who would spill popcorn everywhere at the slightest jumpscare. 

he tried to gain a little courage by dragging the person closest to him at that time, and was now standing in front of the haunted house with the older boy. it’s probably a bad idea, the both of them were probably the worst pair to go into a haunted house together. but junyoung feels like he’s in too deep to run away.

“sorry yohan,” he manages to say. “i saw you and panicked and didn’t want to go alone…” it’s probably too late for excuses, all he can do now is hope and pray that yohan doesn’t leave him (to cry) in the haunted house.

yohan doesn't know how he ended up here. 

all he remembers is being hungry and cutting through the crowds at the school festival. he had been dreaming about kimbap for a few hours now but his journey is cut short when he feels hands on his arms, pulling him in the opposite direction of the food tents and trucks. they quickly make their way through the crowd and though yohan tries hard to see who is currently tangled up in him, he's also trying really hard to not fall flat on his face as he trips over his own feet a few times. 

it's not until they're standing outside of the haunted house does yohan see it's junyoung whose decided to torture him. if there's one thing yohan absolutely hates more than anything else, it's anything scary. he's not afraid to admit it, he's an absolute coward. and he's been going out of his way today to avoid the haunted house and this exact moment. 

yohan stiffens up and gulps deeply as he stares head. "why? why did you have to pick me?" he lets out a small whine as he grabs at junyoung's arm. he knows there's nothing actually to be afraid of it. it's a small attraction put on by his classmates in costumes but yohan can already beads of sweat run down his forehead. 

     he laughs a bit when he hears the surprise in yohan’s voice—clearly the other student had thought that he would say no. he feels pleased that he had surprised him slightly though, and he shrugs slightly, nodding as he listens to what yohan is telling him. considering what he’s being told to bring, he assumes they’ll be outside and are probably staying overnight. this makes him feel more excited, and he watches as the other leaves and he quickly goes to pack something of an overnight bag.

     listing out the things in his mind as he grabs them—a change of clothes, including undergarments, then his minimal skincare routine, his phone charger—he hesistates as he considers grabbing his ipad, in case they had some down time for him to study but he decides against that. no studying on this impromptu trip. probably. then he checks for his phone and his wallet, tucking everything into his backpack that he uses for school. popping into the kitchen, he grabs a bag of chips for snacking purposes and some sticks of instant coffee—just in case.

     that’s probably enough right?

     not letting himself overthink it too much, noah double checks everything and then decides to just head out. he’s sure that wherever they’re going, there will still be tons of convenience stores so he probably can grab whatever he’s missing from one of those. he trusts that yohan really does have everything else prepared, so he just grabs a hoodie at the last minute and stuffs it into his bag as well before heading out of the apartment to meet the older male in the lobby of the east wing.

     "okay, i’m ready hyung,” he comments when he catches sight of yohan, rushing over to meet him with a bright smile on his lips. “are you going to tell me where we’re going or is it a surprise surprise?”

as yohan makes his way down to the lobby from noah's dorm room, his excitement continues to rise. he knows he should probably feel a bit of guilt at the fact he's literally running away from responsibility and should be holed up in his dorm room like the other half of campus slaving over his textbooks and notes. but at this moment, there isn't a shred of guilt to be found. sure, he knows he'll feel it later when he's suffering during his exams but he'll worry about that later. 

although this trip initially was born out of the want to help noah relax, it's been so long since yohan had done anything spontaneous let alone seen the beach for himself. so needless to say, yohan is ready to get on the road and put miles between him and his responsibilities. 

yohan smiles as noah meets him in the lobby, eyeing up the packed bag glad he took his suggestion at bringing a change of clothes. knowing the two of them, they're going to end up soaked and covered in sand before the end of his trip. yohan's smile turns mischievous as he shakes his head, "it's a surprise surprise, of course. otherwise, where's the fun in that? now, come on, let's go!"

yohan turns on his heel and leads noah out of the dorm's lobby and down the short walk to the lot. the parking lot was empty full of parked cars but yohan was lucky to snag a spot near the door. "i've got a cooler of snacks and some other food for later." yohan says, as he reaches out for noah's bag before hitting the alarm on the car. the car isn't very big to begin with, but yohan definitely made it seem a lot smaller with his supplies. the car door beeps as he opens it and slides noah's bag into the very small space he made for it earlier. 

do you regret it?

the question takes him off guard. he blinks a few times, eyes wide as he struggles to put his thoughts in order. does yohan regret what he had with jaemin? the short of it is no. he doesn't regret the time they had together as difficult as he was because the soft moments they had together were some of his most cherished memories. jaemin made him feel wanted, made him feel supported, and dare he say it, most of all he felt loved in that relationship. sure their fights were explosive and ridiculous and they didn't really suit each other, as much as everyone liked to tell yohan. but he dated jaemin because he liked him.

tears are quick to spring up as he does his best to fight them off. because late at night when no one is around to distract him, when he's found a song he's written during their time together, or maybe when he's feeling sentimental, he thinks about it all. he wonders if he had done something different, had been someone different would their relationship had lasted, would they still be together? 

does he regret it? no, but he regrets the things he did. he regrets the things he said when victim to high emotions and a hurt heart. would he do it all over again? chase after love with jaemin? maybe, if they could both try to be better people in a relationship. but he doesn't want to put himself through the hurt of it all again, doesn't want to pull jaemin through the mud again. 

• unpleasant night, with yohan

One of these days, Jaemin would get into real trouble just because he couldn’t hold back his tongue and his stupid, automatic response to always accept a challenge. ok, most of the time he would win, but there were a few times where he got into unnecessary awkward situations. 

and that was precisely where he was standing right now.

after losing a bet, the guys from the music club knew exactly what to request as punishment for him. knowing how much he disliked romantic movies, his task was to endure a whole session in one of the booths provided at the university’s event, surrounded by overly romantic couples.

at first, jaemin thought it would be easy to just ignore the dare and just ditch the place after a few (torturing) minutes. after all, who would be there to keep an eye on him to make sure he was being honest?

“fuck.” he muttered, under his breath as he headed to the booth’s exit, a familiar face and body preventing him from leaving. his blood immediately boiled and jaemin clenched his fists, his face turning into a sour expression. “what are you doing here, yohan?”

if there's one thing the music club did well, it was play around. from jokes and pranks to challenges, they loved to tease each other, the running rule being 'as long as it's not me suffering'. yohan had fallen victim to a few of these harmless jokes and challenges, but this time it seemed like jaemin was the victim of the latest one. 

jaemin, who was stubborn on any good day, often won. so if yohan took a little bit of delight in seeing him lose, well no one else needed to know that right? 

yohan had every intention of enjoying the festival, of sitting around mindlessly doing small tasks and then enjoying the rest of his night. but it seemed that a few of the members wanted to not only see jaemin suffer, but wanted yohan to suffer too. why else would they ask him to come spy on his ex-boyfriend to "make sure he's completing the dare"? and yohan, a fool who gives in to peer pressure, was here to do just that. 

yohan cuts through the crowd and approaches the booth, taking a deep breath and squaring up his shoulders. it'll be easy, he'll peek in, see jaemin with someone else watching a romantic movie and head back to the booth to report his findings. easy, totally easy. except as yohan buys a ticket for one that gets him a sad look and moves to enter the tent, he's running physically into jaemin's taller frame. 

     the past ten months that he’s spent in canada have been both an amazing time and incredibly surreal. he’d gone home for a visit in the summer, of course — how could he not seize the opportunity to return home and see his parents and friends? and of course, he’d spent plenty of time with yohan, who he had missed dearly. they’d become very close over the course of their military service together, and while jinwoo didn’t love military service, he’ll always be grateful to it for giving him one of the best friends he could have possibly asked for. 

     it’s been more than weird to be away from home for so long and even weirder still when he leaves korea to return to canada, settling back into the life of a student that he’d tentatively gotten used to. but still, he makes it a point to schedule in regular calls with his parents and friends, even if it means waking up pretty early. 

     he misses them after all, and sometimes it can feel really lonely to be alone so far away from home. thankfully he’s made some friends and there are plenty of activities to involve himself in, so while he’s abroad, he fully intends to make the most of it. there might also be one particular girl — she’s just started her exchange program this semester and jinwoo has found himself drawn to her for whatever reason, but not sure what to do about it. it’s just another thing he’s definitely going to have to talk to yohan about.

     he curls up around his pillow, his phone open, and he calls his friend, smiling when the other’s face pops onto his screen. “hey yourself,” he says with a grin. “how are you doing? missing me immensely, i bet.” 

yohan feels the anxiety in his body begin to loosen piece by piece as he takes in the look on jinwoo's face. he look good (not that jinwoo ever looks bad, even covered in mud or sweating from digging holes together in the army). but yohan can tell that canada is treating jinwoo well and while he stills misses his best friend, it makes him relax more and more every time he sees how much it seems like he's liking it. 

yohan doesn't know when he's become so dependent on others but he knows it was sometime in the beginning of his service, back when he was still getting to know the other guys in his unit. and while he had made other friends and still talks and hangs out with them pretty often, his friendship with jinwoo had been different. it was something about their time together that solidified jinwoo's place as yohan's best friend.