Being autistic and experiencing a high degree of alexithymia has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life. I struggle to identify what I'm feeling to such an extent that therapy feels completely ineffective. I can rarely recognize, label, or explain my emotions in a way that feels meaningful. I know emotions are there, I just have difficulty accessing and understanding them.
There are a few emotions I can identify easily. Happiness is usually recognizable, and I often feel strong sadness or empathy when it comes to animals or the natural world but I don't always experience that same emotional response to human social situations. Seeing someone pick a flower from its stem can affect me more than many interpersonal conflicts or social inconveniences.
What makes this difficult is the feeling of existing in a world that revolves around emotions while experiencing them differently from most people. It's not that I lack emotions but rather, they often feel inaccessible as though there is something happening beneath the surface that I cannot fully perceive or express. The phrase I have no mouth, and I must scream resonates with me because it captures that disconnect between feeling something internally and being unable to communicate or understand it.
I also don't relate to the term masking when describing my behavior because whhen I respond to emotional situations in socially expected ways, I don't feel as though I'm hiding who I am but instead, I've learned the appropriate responses through observation and experience. Even when I don't naturally feel what others seem to feel in a given moment, following those social expectations helps me navigate the world and connect with people
Alexithymia has shaped much of my life and the way I relate to others.and leaves me feeling disconnected from the emotional experiences that seem to come naturally to many people. that disconnect makes it difficult to relate to others in ways they expect, and its created a sense of distance between myself and the people around me.
I wish I could be a little bit more human-esque at times
