being 23

Hi,

I'm emry and welcome to my blog! This blog will mostly just be journal entries and my art (doodles) that go along with them :3. I'm hoping that sending my shit out into the void will help me process things. I may also occasionally reblog and post some fandom stuff! That said, some things might not be sft so here's your warning ^_^.

Content [Warning]:

Mental Health

Day-to-day of a 23 year old (PhD student)(Burn out)

Pre-op transmasc experiences

potential nsft pupboy content about me n my cis boyfriend <3

(or wholesome content about my t4c relationship)

Pro-shipper/anti-censorhip!!

Fandoms & Interests:

interview with the vampire (dm 4 life)

5SOS

PTV

SWS

& more

(I like marauders content but often disengage to avoid promoting JKR)

art

diy fashion

fanfic (including rpf!)

reading (when I have the time !)

gaming (when I have the time !)

live music

teen wolf (sterek 4ever)

spider-man

young royals

the occasional anime

The beginning of a guitar bag ! Extra pinned cause it’s gonna take forever before I get around to sewing it >_<

The last few days have been jam PACKED! and I still have three more days of plans :3 i accidentally agreed to turning a paper into a conference proposal. Still haven’t talked to anyone about mastering out. I feel like I need to make a full set decision before I sign my GA contract, but it’s also a big decision that I want to be sure about. I do feel nearly set on it though. My partner has been very supportive and I’m meeting with a friend that has gone through something similar on Tuesday !

I’m so so so tired from the weeks I’ve had. I feel like I’m ready to crash and burn. Something great though: my mom asked me about changing my name ! I’ve kept from changing my name because it felt like coming out all over again and I wasn’t trying to do that, but since she started the conversation it felt better. I’m really happy with the name I’ve chosen. I did accidentally deadname myself, but so far everyone has been really good at correcting themselves or just getting it right to begin with !!!! It’s scary, but it’s a change I’ve been ready to make.

Tmrw is night 2 of 5SOS for me and I’m very excited!! I’m in lawn too so I’ll be able to go nuts. I loveeee pit and the energy there, but lawn is best for dancing imo. After that, I’ll be all done with the EAS tour :( but I’m very grateful for the experience I’ve had!!

To my irl who may see this: helloooo I had a good time tn :p.

song of the day: everyone’s a star by 5sos

Asked my partner today about moving—something that’s been on my mind a lot. I’m not sure how I expected the conversation to go, but he was quicker to be hurt than I thought he’d be. At the very least, it seemed more personal than I thought it would be.

I guess it makes sense, I am in his space. That’s part of it though, it’s not our space. And it’s a life decision he made before me. Which is fine, but now the question is: do I have to mold myself to it for us to work? I’m nervous that will be the case. He assures me that he’s fine with moving, that he won’t stay comfortable here, but I’m not sure I believe him. Will I waste years here, wanting somewhere else?

This town is lonely, I didn’t tell him that. I did tell him that I don’t like it though. His place needs a lot of maintenance, a lot of fixing up. It’s not worth it to me, not financially. I don’t want to be here for years “fixing it up.” I also don’t want him to move for me and then be resentful…partnership is complicated and my avoidant nature has never felt more tested. I love him, but I’m so scared this won’t work. That we’ll discover our needs and wants are far too different.

I think I’ve resigned myself to not wanting to continue the path I’m down in terms of school. It’s scary to admit. I’m going to continue giving it thought and discussing it in therapy, but it’s feeling like what’s right.

Recently I’ve noticed that I have attention-seeking behaviors at night. I think it comes from a feeling of loneliness. I need to find more people, but I find it hard to do in my city. The city I go to school is 30 minutes away and I only have two people there. There’s nothing for me there and I’m feeling like there’s nothing for me here either. I want to move to the city, I want to get involved in queer spaces.

song of the day: million dollar houses (the painter)

Just some exercises for today ^_^! Today was another really nice day. A was home ! I woke up early for my meeting but my cats woke me up earlier than usual, so I got to do some reading, make coffee, do these sketches, and read some. Then my meeting got canceled (and rescheduled for even earlier tmrw, and I’m moving out of my apt tmrw) so I was up extra early.

I’ve been watching Daria. I really resonate with her. Not sure that’s a good thing, but I can already feel myself feeling better about life hahaha. With the break and all. I watched the last episode of tvl today. Nutso. Im not sure how I felt about this season, but I loved that episode.

Bf is making dinner right now, I got some more sketches in practicing perspective—I think I’m getting better! Yesterday, I diy fixed my converse. I wish I could pitter patter and do my little things everyday. Such is life, though. So what will I do instead? I’m trying not to feel to existential during this break, but I do need to put some thought into things. Best to be proactive and honest I suppose.

Tonight will be an early night given how early I was up earlier. I can already feel myself being sleepy. Plus the 8:30 meeting, booooo.

Also, I dyed my hair pink today ! Super cool.

song of the day: marjorie by taylor swift

Today was my first day with no responsibilities in nearly a full year. It was so nice. I finished these converse that I had to fix up, and I did some sketching, and I lifted and did yoga, and I cleaned the a lot of the house!! I’m proud of myself for not rotting. The next goal is to take a shower and either read or color! I really should read because I’ve hardly touched my book, but my brain was happy for the break today lol.

My partner is out with his friends today. I miss him, but it was also nice to have a day where I was completely consumed in myself and only myself.

Tomorrow I have a meeting sad face. Not looking forward to getting up in time for it, but I feel good knowing I’ll be done with work by 11:00. Maybe, potentially.

I still feel detached from life, I don’t think I ever won’t. But it’s nice to get back in touch with myself every once in a while and know that I have myself no matter what.

How does one become a bartender? I think I want to try it out. I feel like giving up on the idea of a career. I don’t really have the luxury of building a career, I guess I do, but I don’t have the mental and my lack of financial resources certainly limits my capacity.

song of the day: the fault in our stars by troye sivan

Fuck John Mellencamp. The semester is over. I’m already feeling better. I apologized to my partner for being so difficult, and he stayed patient and loving. I love him so much. I love myself too. I need to love myself. Getting in touch with my creativity which will also be helpful. Okay break is ending, will write in my journal more later :3

No doodle bc I’m spending time with a friend today. Today was one of my worst. My depression is effecting my relationship. I was so emotionally charged, I made a big deal out of something that didn’t need a big deal made out of it. My partner is so patient and accepting and loving. I do not deserve any of it. I am so scared that one day he will decide that I am too much for him. I am too much for anyone, I think. I feel too hard or not at all, I struggle to trust, I struggle to communicate. I worry about having my guard up and I worry about letting it down. My partner deserves a love that is as strong and resilient as his. I was a brat today, I was horrible. I can only try to be better later on. Super short entry because I don’t have much energy to continue talking about this. I’m tired of crying. Classes and GA are over so stress should be lightened. Cheers to trying to be hopeful.

song of the day: ghost by 5SOS

storms brewing and humidity

crying

and below me there are

cracks forming and bugs

crawling

and to my right there are

children playing and mothers

working

and to my left there are

men governing and women

paying

and behind me there are

families dying and babies

starving

but in front of me there are

those rioting and people