Hello there! Thank you for visiting my page. If you're looking for Saezuru you can find links to download all the chapters I've translated so far below. All chapters, scanlated by various scanlation groups, are available to read on MangaDex. I'll be updating this pinned post as new chapters come out.
As of now, volume 9 has likely been completed and will probably be released some time this summer or fall. Hopefully the story will continue in September of this year (but who knows)!
Please make sure you buy the manga when it becomes available to you. <3
◈◈Where can I purchase the ihr Hertz magazine, which publishes the serialized chapters of Saezuru?
You can find all available issues of ihr Hertz on B's Garden's website. There are links to buy each issue on Japanese Amazon (the little pink icon with a shopping cart and 購入 written on it). If you live outside of Japan you should still be able to make a Japanese Amazon account and ship the magazine to your country, or alternatively, almost all issues have an electronic option you can purchase. Ordering the magazine through Amazon may not be an option available to folks who live in certain areas, however.
◈◈When does the electronic version of the ihr Hertz magazine come out?
It's usually released on the 3rd Friday following the paper release. Usually.
◈◈Where can I purchase official Saezuru volumes in Japanese?
As of now you can purchase volumes 1-8 in paperback or digital format on Japanese Amazon. Here's the link to volume 1 to get you started.
◈◈Where can I purchase official Saezuru volumes in English?
As of June 2024 you can purchase the official translations of volumes 1-7 in paperback and digital format on June manga's website.
◈◈Is there a way to buy Japanese Saezuru chapters individually, without the magazine?
There is no way to do this for chapters that haven't been compiled into a volume already. That is, as of June 2024, ch 1-50 are available for individual purchase, but ch 51-58 are only available in their respective issues of ihr Hertz magazine. As far as I know, it's also impossible to purchase individual chapters from outside Japan (unless you have a good VPN).
◈◈Where can I purchase the Saezuru drama cds?
As of June 2024, the drama cds for volume's 1-8 are available through the Japanese Amazon. Here's the link to the cd for volume 1 to get you started. Again, depending on where you live, you should be able to make an account and ship it to your country.
◈◈What's up with the Saezuru movies?
😢 The first Saezuru movie "The Clouds Gather" was released February 15th, 2020. There has been no official news of the second movie "The Storm Breaks" aside from the short teaser trailer at the ending of the first movie. It's very likely that the movies have been scrapped, although there has been no official announcement as of June 2024.
◈◈Will you share the Japanese raw scans with me?
I will not. They are available for purchase at the links I mentioned above. I understand that you may not be able to access those sites for various reasons depending on where you're located, but I can't help you. Thank you for understanding.
◈◈Will you share the drama cd audio files with me?
I will not. They're available for purchase at the link I mentioned above.
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With this chapter, I think a lot of us are feeling very bad for Yashiro. He seems so hurt by what Doumeki is doing. Typically, I make posts trying to defend Doumeki or look at things from his pov but I wanted to try to take into account both of their feelings and thought processes for this chapter because honestly I think they’re both feeling terrible about this whole fuckbuddy situation. Side note: I know some people don’t like the word fuckbuddy for their situation but Idk how else to refer to it. They’re not together but I know they’re in love and my use of the word fuckbuddy isn’t intended to diminish their relationship in any way.
I’ll start with my thoughts on Doumeki. There is a reason I make sure to emphasize that a lot of our analysis on Doumeki is based on interpretation and not necessarily how he really feels. If you have the opinion that Doumeki is planning and making moves with the endgoal of being with Yashiro, this whole situation where he has sex with Yashiro and leaves makes him look like a real asshole. I think it is easier to think that Doumeki is doing okay because he doesn’t really express that he is not. Compared to Yashiro, he seems better adjusted and since we don’t see his thoughts it is easier to assume he is less affected by all of this than Yashiro is. But I think we need to recall what Yashiro used to tell Doumeki. He used to say that he doesn’t think he can have romantic relationships and that he is only interested in sex. Doumeki seems to have taken that to heart as well as the fact that he doesn’t know that Yashiro has moved on from Kage and is no longer in love with him. Doumeki seems to think that Yashiro didn’t value the moments they had outside of sex because honestly that hasn’t been shown to him. I think we can sometimes underestimate the amount of pain he went through when Yashiro kicked him out. I think Doumeki is having sex with Yashiro because he wants to have some kind of a relationship with him and he is also HOPING that having sex with him will keep Yashiro from seeking out sex with others partly due to jealousy and partly to keep Yashiro safe since sex is a self destructive behavior for him. I emphasize hoping because he is not forcing Yashiro to be with him nor is he constantly hovering around to make sure that he doesn’t go to Inami or anyone else. He is giving Yashiro space while trying to satisfy something Yashiro claims he needs. The emphasis has always been on Yashiro’s pleasure because Doumeki still has his own issues on sex. Doumeki doesn’t want just sex but he feels that he has no other option. He also seems to be repeating the behavior of leaving because that is what he seems to think Yashiro wants based on volume 5.
As for Yashiro, we can see that he is deeply affected and saddened by this change in their dynamic. But when looking at the conversation of Yashiro’s flashback, I think he feels betrayed as well. The last page is amazingly done with the rain almost symbolizing his tears but his mouth seemed both angry and sad to me. I shared the page of Doumeki answering Yashiro and letting him know that Yashiro was different from others because it stands out to me more in comparison to the moment where Yashiro rips off the bandaid. Doumeki told him he was special but then seemingly is with Izumi and treating Yashiro like everyone else does? Doumeki’s words must feel like a lie. I think this feels different from Kage’s rejection not just because he loves Doumeki more but because Doumeki made him feel special only for him to act like he didn’t mean any of it. It isn’t very rational of Yashiro considering everything but both get blinded by emotion. At the end of the day, they’re both very hurt and acting in ways they think the other wants but it is important to keep in mind that both agreed to this kind of relationship. I feel that Yashiro will end up giving in but I also think he has a separate journey to go through before he can be truly with Doumeki that I may write about in a separate post.
I am uneasy about this topic. It’s hard not to think about what I despise about the mafia on a deep deep level, especially when considering what values these types of organizations really want to preserve. My analysis here is less dispassionate, I actually really wish for Yashiro to escape from this world. Hirata’s disruption helped him get out of the group at least temporarily, although he can’t really be free of all the obligations he maintains in regards to Misumi. As a character that was meant to be completely unlikeable, I really enjoyed what Hirata brought to the story, the final confrontation and long dialogue between him and Yashiro was brilliant too, really showcasing Yashiro’s awareness and ability to move around in this hostile environment, mostly because he understands how men in this world think and the emotions that motivate them: ambition, greed, envy and jealousy. Even when incapable of reaching a top position for lack of ability or the right conditions, they crave a spot near the most powerful, while experiencing an internal conflict between admiration and resentment. A world where real loyalty and trust are rare currency, but entirely based on the pretense of those bonds. A deeply deeply homophonic world, exactly because men have to maintain status and appearances in a precarious equilibrium and shifts of power are always dangerous and destabilizing. As a consequence the only position that men can hold on to is the one at the top. As a form of power/prevarication and expression of that position, sex with other men can be occasionally tolerated, but Yashiro is an element of disruption because he doesn’t let go of his power and he is able to accumulate and maintain it, while not being nor wanting to be in the top position. Misumi let him keep the power, while people like Hirata or Ryuuzaki couldn’t comprehend it. But Misumi is the exception, he can do what he wants because he has enough status and power and doesn’t fear losing it. Misumi was also the one who made Yashiro a target by behaving freely like this. Hirata, as an almost deadly enemy, and Ryuuzaki, as an incompetent ally, parallel each other quite interestingly in how they see Yashiro.
Hirata: “When the boss made you his lover, I only considered you as his woman. Nothing more. Then he made you wakagashira, and now a boss of the Doushinkai?!!”
The real issue here isn’t the open disgust towards sex between men, but the disregard for the rules. You can’t gain position through sleeping with the boss, you can’t maintain the status of “man” if you “take it in the ass”, if you submit or take the “woman role”. The woman role comes with the renounce of power and status within the organization, after all women in this world are perceived as accessories or commodities, nothing more. They can’t certainly occupy a position that has been promised to a man. Hirata’s hatred isn’t wholly ascribed to his homophobia, it’s rather the manifestation of his expectation that institutional power structures cannot and should not be challenged. He hated Kurobane as well, just because he really meant his loyalty, while accusing Yashiro of being low and disloyal, contradicting himself. At the end, Hirata couldn’t tolerate to be considered inferior to anyone else, being it a reputable man or a “faggot”.
I really liked a little detail about the confrontation between Doumeki and Hirata: when the young bodyguard makes his appearance, Hirata has no idea who he is. Circumstances like Doumeki being away to talk with his sister, when Hirata visited the office, or him being at Kageyama’s clinic while Hirata visited Yashiro at the hospital made it so they hadn’t met or interacted before that crucial moment. For most of the first part of the story, Doumeki was mostly unaware of the precarious situation that Yashiro was in. In part because of Yashiro’s tendency of protecting his subordinates and his inability to ask for help, no one really understood the extent of his precautions: the non-antagonistic response to the various provocations from members of the Matsubara’s group, with disregard for his own non-existent honor, the ties and underhand exchanges of favors with the police, the careful handling of the relationship with Misumi, and the anxiety about it, Yashiro had a lot to think about. Doumeki instead was mostly preoccupied with maintaining his position at his side and being unable to restrain and avoid acting on his feelings, losing sight of the entire situation for a while before finally relentlessly chasing after Yashiro and being there when it mattered most.
So while I have observed that at the beginning of the manga Doumeki possessed a certain amount of maturity, and wasn’t completely naive, when it came to dealing with strong emotions and complex situations he was completely swayed and absorbed by his own feelings, struggling to understand the best way to really be at Yashiro’s side, if that was his most important role. For example, when he got carried away and he beat Inami, he created a new problem Yashiro had to solve later, as Inami was willing to falsely implicate Yashiro in the killings of several Gouda group members, in retaliation. Yashiro reached a deal with Inami, that involved in part a lot of money, but probably some other promise in addition - and this could be in part the reason why he made uncomfortable compromises with the detective. Doumeki didn’t show any finesse in dealing with the actual complex issues of being in the yakuza and he didn’t seem worried enough about the importance of appearances and the conduct that is expected from the members of a group.
In a previous analysis, I underlined how Yashiro was struggling with the idea of being able to live in the same world Doumeki grew up in and was still tied to: a world of idealistic expectations about love and same sex relationships, of people that have some sort of security built internally to fall back on and are willing to take chances. At the end of volume 6 we see Doumeki assessing the events that brought him to the rooftop of the hospital and that brought Yashiro to tell the lie about not remembering him. When he gets up, the last image we have of him before the time skip is Doumeki entering a black space: the visualization of the decision he made to respect Yashiro’s wishes and maintain distance, but at the same time entering Yashiro’s world and committing fully to be part of it. If Yashiro can’t live in the world Doumeki knew, Doumeki will learn to live in Yashiro’s. Starting with being a yakuza. How wise that decision will be, how that decision worked out is yet to be seen.
Chapter 57 touched ground, and with it, the emotional tornado that is Saezuru. I’m not going to lie… I was shocked at how short it was. There was disappointment when I read a synopsis. Nothing but sex… really?! And then I read it myself. Thank god it wasn’t longer. Every single panel has meaning and is soul stirring. I took my time re-reading it a few times, along with a couple previous chapters to make more sense of what has happened. I also read a few interpretations here on tumblr and am SO grateful that I’ve discovered a few viewpoints I hadn’t thought of myself.
I’ve sat down and started writing a few times now. The trouble I’m facing is where to start and where to stop. It seems impossible to talk about anything Saezuru without touching on about a million difficult topics, just to get to the point I’d like to make. So please bear with me. This will likely be a long one. I will try and keep it as organized and on topic as possible. I won’t be touching anything regarding the Yakuza “subplot” and focus on psychology “only” for this post, or this’ll turn into a dissertation instead of a blog.
CW: Childhood Sexual Assault, Childhood Emotional Neglect
Before I dive into Y & D’s actions and the possible meanings/reasons behind it I’d like to put down some groundwork.
CSA & CEN may manifest in the following ways and persist throughout adulthood:
Emotional regulation difficulties: Children may have difficulties with regulating their emotions. They might have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, leading to emotional numbing, emotional outbursts, or difficulty forming healthy emotional connections with others.
Low self-esteem: A lack of emotional validation and support can contribute to low self-esteem. Children may grow up feeling unworthy and unimportant or that their feelings and needs do not matter.
Relationship challenges: Abuse and neglect can affect the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. People who experience this may have issues with trust, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability, leading to difficulties in both friendships and romantic partnerships.
Insecure attachment styles: Neglected and/or abused children may develop insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, which can affect their relationships throughout their lives.
Depressive symptoms: Increased risk of depression in adulthood. The lack of emotional support and validation can contribute to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness, which can lead to suicidal ideation (passive & active).
Anxiety and stress: Individuals may be more prone to anxiety and stress due to their unmet emotional needs and difficulty coping with life’s challenges.
Difficulty expressing emotions: People affected may find it difficult to recognize or express emotions. This can hinder their ability to communicate effectively and connect with others.
Perfectionism: Some individuals respond by developing perfectionist tendencies, as they may relate their worth to achieving high standards and meeting others’ expectations.
Self-isolation: People may withdraw from social interactions to protect themselves from potential emotional pain or rejection and may suffer from loneliness and isolation.
I’d like to interject here that BOTH, Y & D, are victims of CEN and CSA. Though Y - without a doubt - suffered through much worse than D, they both struggle with their childhood trauma.
Long term effects of both, CSA and CEN, are often:
fear, or be hypersensitive to, perceived signs of rejection
overreact to stressful events
suppress or avoid negative emotions
have difficulty forming and maintaining new relationships
experience symptoms of depression
have trust issues
find it challenging to communicate their feelings effectively
develop insecure attachment styles
I won’t bore you with studies or sources, but sexual violence survivors have clear and measurable differences in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. The changes are literally physically hardwired into the brain and are not a conscious choice. So when Y is revolted by gentle sex, or D has difficulty expressing thought, it isn’t by choice.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, though. The brain can be retrained. Triggers can be desensitized. We can change. The trouble with Y & D is that it usually requires professional help. Through intense therapy we can be given tools and guidelines of what to do when we suffer through an episode. We must recognize and acknowledge the trigger and the subsequent reaction and then reinforce the new resolution instead. Even with professional help, it is not an overnight betterment. But without actual knowledge of how to tackle the trauma reactions, it is nothing but an intense uphill battle. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes even two or more. Please remember that both are, in fact, victims…. Even if they don’t like to see themselves that way. They are doing the best they can with the skills they have.
At this point, I’d like to touch on Doumeki. Yoneda-sensei has rated his intelligence as a 2/5 previously. Either she doesn’t know her own creation, the assessment was made before extensive growth, or it doesn’t take into account emotional intelligence. Because Doumeki is a 5/5 throughout Ch 57!
But let me jump to Yashiro for just a second! Their interactions come directly after those fateful words were uttered by Yashiro towards the end of Ch 56, “好きだよ”. After the iconic panel of Doumeki wiping away the cum, we can see Yashiro looking like a lost puppy. He is literally frozen, not knowing what to do next. Quite frankly, it was heartbreaking. Of course, this scene is left to speculation (as always), but my interpretation is that Yashiro craves nothing more than Doumeki’s tenderness and love, but at the same time his traumatized brain tells him that uncertainties in sex are scary. Pain is a known and endurable factor. It isn’t scary or unpredictable, so to speak. His body knows how to handle it and survive. At the same time, “receiving love” is revolting and sickening, thanks to his stepfather’s “affection”. At this point in time, I just don’t think that Yashiro’s brain is capable of distinguishing any difference between sex with the stepfather or anyone else (Doumeki) just yet. The fight, flight or freeze responses are still almost completely uncontrollable.
That’s where Savantmeki comes into play. And remember, this is just my personal interpretation. Others may have valid points too!
Doumeki purposely doesn’t react much to the confession at all. If he would, Yashiro would surely be fleeing, denying or slide into defensiveness. After all, “he can’t be caught”. What I initially thought was D disengaging or being distant now seems to me as being VERY intentionally controlled. We can see him engaging, but not overstimulating Y with affection. They are intensely kissing, but he keeps it at that. When Y eventually tells him that he’s had enough kissing, D gently but firmly restrains him with his hands (which is familiar and doesn’t feel threatening) to prevent him from running. He continues kissing and recognizes that he may be pushing too far and changes into another position that is VERY intimate and keeps edging Yashiro again and again with nothing but love and gentleness until the flashback and Yashiro finally balks.
Savantmeki doesn’t discuss or explain. Even though it must hurt him to be rejected in that way, he reacts with nothing but quiet empathy and softly comes for him again and again to show him that sex with him is safe, free of pain, and nothing but true love. Yashiro is clearly on edge as they move on to penetration. D starts off in a position that is safe and familiar for Y, but continues to challenge Y by turning him around and “trapping” his arm in a way to prevent Y from turning away again.
This (and one more) is my absolutely favorite moment in this chapter. Yashiro is pushed to the edge once again by a very observant Savantmeki, in a very exposed position. There is nowhere to hide. There is nothing to hide. Just pure love and lust and all the gentleness in the world. And Yashiro enjoys it so much!
They continue through more positions that are always front facing and D keeps pushing Y through a few weak refusals and denials, but Yashiro finally gives in and wraps himself around his man (the second highlight for me)! That must have felt like a lottery win for D! While he must know by now that Y undeniably has feeling for him, all he ever gets is ambiguity, rejection, and denial. These few precious moments where Yashiro gives in to his desires must mean the world to him.
But no, Savantmeki isn’t done yet. Instead of calling Y out on how he enjoyed it all even though they were facing each other the entire time… that he inflicted no pain etc. , he holds it all in. He lets Yashiro stew in his own emotions. AND IT WORKS! Y is reflecting on himself. Granted, it isn’t very positive… but progress (unaided by professionals and/or meds) usually is very slow, if present at all and awareness is a very important first step! Instead of making demands or divulging feeling and emotions, D simply makes sure Y knows that he will be back. He makes sure that Y has that bit of certainty, but doesn’t overwhelm him and trigger a flight response.
They have both changed so much! This is all headed in a healthy and hopeful direction! In my eyes at least! Since the revelation about Y’s impotence and the confession, Darkmeki is no more. At least not for Yashiro.
A random bit of speculation at the end: D is still impotent with anyone but Y. The whole “I do it myself, because I just can’t help it” is what led me to that conclusion. There is, and never has been, anyone else but Yashiro for Doumeki. Until Yoneda-sensei crushes that dream, I will hold on to it!
I’m adding some resources in case you’d like to read more on the topic:
Review literature focused on neurological associations in brain structure among individuals with a history of childhood sexual abuse (CSA).A
Child sexual abuse (CSA) is an important public health problem with long-standing neurobiological, developmental, and psychiatric abnormalit
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Why Doumeki ignored this time that Yashiro keep saying that “he does not want sex”? Before the time skip Doumeki cared deeply about things like that and wanted to force sex on Yashiro because he did not want to behave like his father and even cried that he was “too tough” with Yashiro and “maybe hurt him”. Why is Doumeki now so different and ignores when Yashiro says “no I do not want sex”. Idk I did not find it good when Doumeki acted that way. I know, he and Yashiro had consent sex so it was no rape but I do not feel good when someone is ignoring a “no” when it comes to sex. I think it happened at the chapter 51-53 during the sex scene.
my other question is how much Doumeki is changed after the time skip? He is still very quiet and violent when he needs to. But why is Yashiro keep saying that Doumeki changed and why it seems like that Yashiro miss the “old Doumeki”?
my last question (sorry for all the questions hahaha) is does doumeki really have a relationship with that women? Is she his girlfriend and why did he get suddenly a girlfriend when he first told anyone that he has no women at his side? What is his goal with her when most of his feelings are towards Yashiro?
cw: talk of sexual violence, rape, dubcon, sexual assault, violence in general
so, if you read this blog, you know that i think consent is all fucked in saezuru. i've written about it a lot. and i know part of this is simply BL as a genre. we see ukes saying "no" or "wait" a lot, and we see semes continuing because "your body is saying you like it."
i argued that saezuru is a little different from standard BL because the dubcon isn't played straight. it's not romanticized and it actually fucks yashiro and doumeki up, particularly yashiro. here's a link to that argument: https://digitaljuicy.com/metas/romanticising-the-dubcon-saezuru-cheapens-the-story/. sorry, i'm having to use external links because i've written so much i can't find my own shit anymore. it will all be in the saezuru tags though.
i point that out because my answer to your ask won't make sense unless you understand why i think the dubcon in saezuru isn't played straight or romanticized like most BL. knowing that, there are a few things we know about doumeki:
he hates rapists.
he keeps going when yashiro says "no." he feels especially guilty about this in the first arc. and he's absolutely horrified by it once he and nanahara talk on the hospital rooftop. he sees flashbacks of yashiro crying and is no doubt reminded of aoi crying (i wrote about that too, but you'll have to search for it).
we know things about yashiro too:
he will enthusiastically consent to people who violence him.
he will not enthusiastically consent to someone who only wants to treat him tenderly. this is mostly before the timeskip. and it's because tenderness hurts yashiro. love hurts yashiro. and yashiro separates sex and love. so when yashiro is pushing doumeki away, it's not necessarily about sex. it's about love. it's about the fact that doumeki makes him realize that sex isn't just like smoking cigarettes, that it means something when it's between him and doumeki. and yashiro cannot abide that. so while he wants to have sex with doumeki, he can't deal with the fact that doumeki is expressing love and affection through sex. yashiro only ever wants hatred and violence through sex.
things have changed and haven't changed for both of them after the timeskip. i talked a lot about why i think doumeki hasn't really changed. he isn't under yashiro's orders and doesn't have to worry about yashiro sending him away (because his worst nightmare has already come to pass), so he's not interested in being a baby bird. he's always been a bit stubborn and determined to get what he wants. he's always flouted yashiro's orders.
i think doumeki has changed in one important way, though. i don't think he still sees his desire for yashiro as being anything like his father's attitude towards aoi. again, this is something you'll find all over this blog. just search the "saezuru" tags. in the first arc, it seems to me that doumeki doesn't understand the difference between rape and desire. he thinks his runaway desire for yashiro makes him like his rapist father. this is why he goes into such massive cycles of self-loathing everytime he pushes yashiro too far.
after the timeskip, i think he's realized that what he feels for yashiro is nothing like what his father had towards aoi. i think he figured out that rape is about power, not desire or love. at least i hope he did. it's important for him to realize that. so, now, he doesn't think of his runaway desire as being "wrong." he gets so mad because he doesn't want yashiro to go to someone who'll hurt him, even if yashiro consents to be hurt. doumeki can't stand that shit. so we get situations where doumeki's like, "if you really need sex so bad like you need nicotine, then i'll give you a fix. don't get it from men like inami or kido." the fact that yashiro can say, "i don't want it from you" and also say "i haven't changed" and "you mean nothing to me" is incredibly frustrating for doumeki because it's all contradictory. so i think we're seeing his frustration bleed through when he pushes yashiro to the floor and angrily asks why yashiro refuses him but consents to all sorts of other sexual violence.
i'm not trying to justify the dubcon at all. i think ch. 52 bothered me the most, where doumeki touched yashiro in anger and threw him to the floor. those angry kisses where he rips off yashiro's shirt really bothered me, especially since he knows yashiro has a fucked up relationship to violent sex. but doumeki also knows what gentleness does to yashiro (gives him a panic attack and makes him cry like aoi cried). so he's sort of stuck trying to find a balance between the violence he doesn’t want to use and the gentleness that makes yashiro feel violated. we should also note that doumeki’s anger doesn’t leave a mark on yashiro’s body (unlike inami). it definitely leaves a mark on yashiro’s mind, but we’ll have to wait to see how that plays out. again, this isn’t a justification, but i want to point out the ways sensei is trying to make doumeki different from inami. inami’s anger and hatred of yakuza made yashiro pass out from pain when they first met. doumeki’s anger isn’t like that.
IRL we'd want doumeki to refrain from doing anything sexual with yashiro until they talk about what they want, because IRL dubcon is never okay. and i don't think we should cutefy or romanticize dubcon, even though i realize it’s just a standard part of BL. but in saezuru’s fictional world, the dubcon serves a purpose. it pushes the narrative forward by asking us to think about what yashiro will consent to and why and what yashiro won't consent to and why. it makes doumeki have to deal with his own feelings about what constitutes rape and what constitutes desire and how to make love to someone who’s been hurt by love. like i said, the dubcon in saezuru actually has a point, unlike so much other BL that's simply replicating genre norms.
as far as your question about yashiro is concerned, i think he misses the old doumeki because he's starting to want tenderness for himself and he thinks that the new doumeki hates him too much to be tender with him. this is an incorrect assumption, but yashiro makes incorrect assumptions about him and doumeki all the time.
finally, i don't think doumeki is romantically-involved with mama-san. i think she's probably an informant. a hostess club frequented by yakuza? i'm sure her girls hear all sorts of interesting things. but that's just a guess. i don't have any real evidence.
I feel like Doumeki seems kind of suicidal at times in the way he doesn’t seem to care what happens to himself. In the restaurant scene in 53, no one was in any danger but he was so willing to put himself in danger. It is almost like he sees himself as worthless and he was doing it in front of yashiro too! Does that mean he thinks yashiro doesn’t care about his wellbeing? He hasn’t been hiding when he wants to go off on his own in comparison to yashiro sneaking out while he was sleeping. I feel like people would characterize that as stupid or reckless but it is so much deeper than that. If you really want to feel angsty about doumeki, you can think of it him thinking he is expendable and that he only matters as long as he is saving somebody or willing to sacrifice himself for someone else.
cw: suicidal ideation, talk of suicidal ideation, suicide
i'd argue that there's a difference between suicidal ideation and recklessness. and it's not simply splitting hairs or a question of semantics. it's important to understand this difference because when we don't understand the difference between active and passive suicidal ideation and recklessless, we might end up calling the police for a "wellness check" on someone who is not actively suicidal. ask me how i know.
for saezuru, though, recognizing the difference between yashiro's suicidality and doumeki's recklessness tells us more about the characters.
doumeki is reckless. worryingly reckless. he's been reckless throughout the whole series. i keep thinking about that time he almost gets shot because he's too worried about making sure yashiro doesn't get shot to watch his own back. i also think about him coming to the yashiro-hirata showdown with no real backup and no weapon. he uses physical strength to fight but how far is that going to get him with guns?
doumeki is reckless in the way self-sacrificing saviors often are, burning himself out to save others. multiple times throughout the story, we see him do something heroic and self-sacrificing for the sake of someone else:
-keeping mum about what happened to aoi and going to prison for it.
-keeping his distance from aoi after he joined shinseikai to protect her. at this point, he regrets his past distance with her, so this doesn't seem like something he wants to do. it's something he does for her sake. he also sends his money to aoi and his mother.
-the countless times he put himself on the line for yashiro.
-rescuing niki, on his own, against a whole group of yakuza thugs. he did this without orders if i'm understanding correctly. someone correct me if i'm wrong.
-antagonizing misumi when he's trying to stay in the yakuza. sorry but this is reckless AF. misumi is a dangerous man. doumeki is lucky misumi didn't just shoot him. misumi already disliked him before yashiro ended up in the hospital again. so doumeki is a bodyguard and the person he's guarding ends up almost dead twice. as head of the organization, misumi could take doumeki's life in exchange for his failure of duty. they're yakuza, after all.
-"i've sworn my life for your protection. it's yours to do with as you will." never say that to anyone doumeki, no matter who they are or how much you love them.
-and yes, the latest in ch. 53 where he says he's going in to get yamakawa by himself. this bothered me so much because he says it like he's gotten used to recklessly charging into dangerous situations. like it's no big deal. nanahara has more yakuza experience than him in terms of time served and even nanahara is like, "wtf is wrong with you?"
so it seems like he either thinks he's invincible or he thinks it's fine to constantly put his life at risk. my guess is the second option. it's a part of his character: he will self-sacrifice to save others. he will self-sacrifice to do his duty to the group. he will self-sacrifice for yashiro.
i could be missing something or misremembering, but i have never seen doumeki say anything like what yashiro says here:
"life has no meaning." yashiro has said that more than once. in the next panel he says, "now i can die." this is why i categorize yashiro as passively suicidal. he very explicitly says life holds no meaning and he would prefer to die. he doesn't make active plans to die so he's not actively suicidal.
so while both of them are happy to throw themselves in danger, i think there's a difference between them that's important to note, because it tells us about their respective characters.
yashiro doesn't feel like there's much purpose to his life. such a wasted life is not worth living. he has all these people who care about him but because he's so depressed that it's difficult for him to feel purpose or satisfaction or happiness in his life and relationships. he says it himself later during the sex scene with inami: "i didn't care about anything." honestly, as someone who is depressed, i feel sorry for everyone who loves yashiro. it's hard to watch someone feel like nothing matters when you love them so much. that doesn't mean yashiro doesn't care about the people around him. he cares too much, probably. it means he struggles to see purpose in his life, in spite of the love everyone has for him. that's how depression works. it's not logical.
doumeki may be a reckless fool who runs headlong into danger, but he feels he has purpose, or at least i think he does. he's a savior. unlike yashiro, who struggles to find meaning in anything, i think doumeki does find meaning in his relationships. his relationship with niki is the best proof of this. the two of them text about mundane stuff like her going to school. he plays games with her. i think he feels that part of his purpose is to make their dangerous world safe for her in a way he couldn't do for aoi. he feels responsible for her in a way and he feels dutiful to the sakuraika. so i don't he thinks this world or his existence is meaningless in the way yashiro does. i think doumeki thinks other people are worth protecting more than he is, that their lives are worth more than his. this makes me very sad because doumeki is priceless.
i know this fandom does not always take doumeki's trauma seriously, so i appreciate recognizing that he's not okay in all this. he's been wrecked too. but i also don't want to overcompensate and say he's experiencing things that i don't see clear evidence of. this is important because we don't need him to win some sort of suffering contest to be deemed worthy of care. he doesn't need to be suicidal to be suffering. he's suffering even though he puts himself at great risk for everyone around him. and that's fucking heartbreaking.
Sorry for using machine translation. My English is not enough to support communication.
I think Yashiro made impressive progress at ch.53.In Japanese,Yashiro use “抱く”which means to “embrace, to make love to” to refer for having sex.This is quite different from what he said at ch.23（Just Stick it in the hole and pull it out）.
For the first time he thought sex was more than an act.Sex can be suggestive of intimacy.It's hard to understand this without reading Japanese.
He is not as impossible to change as some people think. Just as Doumeki has not become as indifferent to Yashiro as some believe.
He needs Doumeki not because of impotence.He lacks emotional experience,Yoneco said he's not good at handling this.
It's like in ch.47 when he first admitted that Inami's conduct was rape.He began to understand his new feelings,These are very subtle details,But they proved that Yashiro was embracing the idea of the old doumeki.He just doesn't know how to deal with these ideas.
These ideas could easily destroy Yashiro,But all he thinks about is doumeki,It helps him stay confused and think.
He thought it impossible for Doumeki to continue to love him,But his feelings for Doumeki helped him slowly accept his new self.
In fact, Yoneco said this story about the rebirth of Yashiro.She is doing the hard work.I know there are many painful parts to this story,But I hope people don't miss the positive.
I believe Doumeki and Yashiro will win happiness.
oh, thank you so much for this! and please don't apologize for speaking more than one language. in this case, english-language fans would be nowhere without japanese-language fans helping us along!
this gives me hope. ahhhh, you're right that all he thinks about is doumkei. i really wish he'd tell doumeki that all he thinks about is doumeki, but i think that reveal will come with time.
DID YASHIRO REALLY SAY "MAKE LOVE"???? I AM CRYING PLEASE HELP THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART!!!!
i said a long time ago that i thought of saezuru as story of one man's healing as opposed to a standard BL romance, so it's nice to hear that sensei thinks the story is about yashiro's rebirth. that makes me feel like there might be a happy ending after all and i would love that.
thank you for explaining all this again. it really does help those of us who don't read japanese.
I have the theory that Inami telling Doumeki to go and that he will show a video is just a trap to kipnap Doumeki and give it to the opposite group, in the end he kill many of their men when he saved Niki. Do you think is a valid theory?
i don't see why not. i think inami has a wild card, but i don't know what that wild card is. a valid theory needs evidence, right? so let's see if there's evidence backing yours up. i think there is:
we already know inami will involve himself in yakuza beef between factions because he tried to set yashiro up for the hit on the goudagumi. this means he's already capable of doing things like getting yakuza killed in inter-group beef. in fact, we could argue that he "gave" yashiro to the goudagumi by implicating him in the murder of their chief and some executives. things didn't work out like he planned, but he has no problem tossing one yakuza to a rival group.
we know those thugs who kidnapped niki don't like doumeki. and we know they've teamed up with another group. it's not like doumeki took them all out. he took out enough of them to rescue niki. so it's not like they aren't around. if they're working with inami, doumeki could be in trouble here. we know from the past arc that inami will play multiple rival groups off one another. so this seems reasonable to me too.
tsunakawa would probably protect doumeki, but doumeki is going to inami without reporting as far as we know. i hope, for his sake, he calls muraji and tells him that he's meeting up with a shady cop who's been known to meddle in yakuza business. maybe muraji will send backup. but right now, it looks like a solo mission and that worries me because if inami has another group waiting for him, it could spell trouble for doumeki.
inami already asked yashiro if doumeki is in the sakuraika. i swear, this cockroach is obsessed with doumeki and yashiro. why would you meddle with someone who beat the shit out of you unless you're looking for revenge? even hirata calls inami a "vindictive bastard" so we know he likes to get revenge and we know doumeki kicked his ass in the past.
we still don't know why yashiro keeps seeing inami. i argued earlier that i don't think the information exchange explains it all. something's up and i don't know what it is, but if inami has something against yashiro that he can use to blackmail doumeki, i could see doumeki doing something self-sacrificing like turning himself into the rival group (sorry, i forget all the names). we know doumeki will risk his life for lots of people, including yashiro.
so given all that, i think this is a viable theory. i personally have no idea what's going to happen. it feels very unpredictable to me, so i'm trying to stay neutral until we learn more. but i think you have a viable and reasonable theory and i think there's lots of evidence to back it up.
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I never understood why some people thought Doumeki was being "rough, cold or distant" when he went down on Yashiro and they were kissing all the time!! And those were some deep kisses filled with passion! You just have to look the sex scenes of Yashiro and other men, they don’t do any of that some of them are even disgusted by the idea of ever kissing him so I don't know that chapter to me was the confirmation that anyone could ever need that Doumeki is still so in love with Yashiro.
————
It was very passionate and intense, and I loved every second of it. Yashiro is a very romantic person, and really enjoys gentle sex with kissing and touching!!! You can tell Y is also constantly comparing current Doumeki to the old D from his memory, and he is assuming that Doumeki doesn’t care about him the same way anymore. So even though the sex wasn’t rough, in Yashiro’s perspective it wasn’t gentle either because he’s comparing it to the only other time they did it. However, they BOTH had flashback memories of their night, and both of their visualizations were romantic imo (i.e., Yashiro had that flashback of their hands intertwined, and Doumeki of them doing it face to face). I think it’s Yashiro’s belief that he’s not special to Doumeki that’s clouding his judgement at the moment, but I think the scene itself was much more consensual than the first time, which is a win in my book.
Yes, I agree with you, I think Doumeki is still very much in love with Yashiro. I think chapter 53 is all about how much Doumeki still loves, DESPITE believing that Yashiro really likes sex (with anyone). Doumeki was trying to give it to Yashiro “rough,” so it wasn’t as fluffy and gentle and prolonged as last time, BUT his composure is slowly falling and that’s very clear in ch. 53.
As for Yashiro, it’s so cute that he gets embarrassed because he comes too fast, especially when Doumeki does his foreplay and kissing. Because of this, Yashiro is always requesting Doumeki to stop being gentle and just do it. The reason he called on him to take his fingers out, is because he felt like he was going to come again, but Doumeki thought it was because Y wanted him to put it in. It’s miscommunication. Yashiro thought he wasn’t being gentle, Doumeki thought he was giving Yashiro what he wanted. I think we will (hopefully) get more sex scenes where they communicate better about what they want in bed.
Alright, fandom, I went a little overboard and kinda translated the whole thing. 😅
I said I'd post a summary today, but instead I'll post the chapter. <3
Disclaimer: my impressions are based off of the summaries I have seen so far on twitter. I do not have access to the chapter.
Overall thoughts are this was a more lighthearted and playful chapter compared to previous ones. There is still angst but it is nothing too intense. We get more of Doumeki’s pov; not his thoughts but what he did while Yashiro was sleeping. We also get more of an idea of the complexities of Doumeki’s situation particularly Tsunakawa doesn’t like Yashiro and Yashiro keeps putting himself in situations that self destructive. Yashiro has finally admitted to himself that he wants Doumeki’s love and gentleness. This is great!! Doumeki makes his jealousy obvious and Yashiro mistakes it for anger and thinks back to Doumeki hugging him. It is so interesting that they kissed a couple of times but Yashiro is still melancholic about the lack of affection and intimacy. Also wanted to point out that he thinks back on Doumeki stating he wants exclusivity. There is no longer any doubt on my mind that he wants exclusivity with Doumeki as well. They meet up with Nanahara and Doumeki insists on going to Yamakawa alone but Nanahara lets him know that “he is not the Terminator.” Mm we may see Doumeki running off by himself. They’re discussing a picture and Yashiro excuses himself to call Inami and Inami states he wants sex in exchange for his info. Doumeki intervenes again and tells Inami he’ll meet up with him instead. Inami brings up an incriminating video he has of Yashiro and suggests him and Doumeki have a video viewing party. Doumeki suggests a place on his own and that irks Yashiro. Doumeki goes outside and Yashiro goes back to Nanahara where they discuss Doumeki a bit and a waiter is eavesdropping on them. That is the extent of what I have seen so far.
We got a lot of info this chapter esp since ch 51 and 52 had such minimal dialogue. We’re definitely moving at a faster pace than volume 8 in my opinion. i do think the end is near meaning that either volume 9 or volume 10 is the last volume. There is still so much to be resolved but I believe Yoneda Kou will resolve most of my major concerns. I am so sick of Inami. I really hope the next chapter is the last we’ll see of him. From the reactions on twitter, I think people believe that Doumeki will discover Yashiro’s impotence, Doumeki will beat the shit out of Inami, Yashiro and Doumeki will confess their love, and then they’ll deal with the yakuza conflict together. I do not think that is what will happen lol. While this chapter is easy on the angst and emotional turmoil, Doumeki is angry. He has been angry since he saw Inami call Yashiro and it has escalated with Kido and now he has to deal with Inami again. And he is still intervening. Even though Inami is a pos, Yashiro needs to actively choose Doumeki. I think meeting up with Inami will be the last straw for Doumeki. Narratively, once a character has finally admitted to themself what they want they have to fight for it. It doesn’t make much sense to resolve all of their issues in the next chapter. It would feel very rushed in my opinion. Doumeki is also getting very emotional and it wouldn’t surprise me if it explodes into a confrontation with Yashiro soon. Although Yashiro has admitted that he wants Doumeki, he hasn’t shown it much outwardly and the fact that Doumeki caught him making plans to go have sex with Inami soon after Yashiro and Doumeki had sex must sting. I also just want to see Yashiro chasing after Doumeki a bit as a reader I admit lol. I have a lot of empathy for Doumeki and he is losing himself in rage. This analysis got long but this chapter was juicy lol
one of the silver linings (for me) in chapter 52 is yashiro’s positive reaction to kissing and his lack of nausea at sex. in volume 5, he would let doumeki kiss him but seemed timid and unsure of what to do; this time he’s far more proactive and responsive. now there’s significant amounts of tongue happening between them.
and yes, doumeki decides to become a robotic dick machine halfway through and fucks with a single-minded relentlessness, but he’s not violent or cruel. he doesn’t tie yashiro’s arms or slap him around; the worst he does is flip yashiro onto his stomach to fuck him doggy-style (the way yashiro had pleaded to be fucked before) (and now yashiro is shocked by this). so while the sex isn’t a dreamy spell of romance, it’s still normal sex. doumeki sucks him off and fingers him and kisses his ass cheek - it’s the kind of sex yashiro thought he despised beforehand. but here he is, still a bit scared but hungering for it.
and yashiro doesn’t think about his abuse. you know what he thinks about? doumeki and the club mama. obviously it’s still difficult, but I think (I hope!) yashiro is getting closer to the core truth in himself: he is not broken, or damaged. he wants to be loved, and he wants it from doumeki.
it’s sad to still see these two still dancing around each other even in the throngs of passion. but comparing this to chapter 25 (as I think sensei intended), you can see the genuine growth that’s happened in yashiro.
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I don't know if I'm thinking about things too much, but since with Yoneda we are used to living in paranoia I couldn't help but overanalyze Rain's promotion. Some time ago I found interesting information about the word Aiai-gasa (相合傘) which means sharing an umbrella: 相合 (aiai, “doing things together”) + 傘 (kasa, “umbrella”) but which has a strong romantic implication since the first two characters are pronounced あい (ai) just like the word love, then this would have the connotation that both people under that umbrella would be in love.
With this information you can already imagine everything I started to create in my mind. The first thing I thought of was finding all the moments related to the umbrella theme within saezuru. I remembered some emblematic cases, but the truth was that I did not give it so much importance to others and that is a mistake when reading saezuru.
For example, something important is that Yashiro doesn't share his umbrella with anyone like Aoi and Kageyama do. When Aoi insists on waiting in the rain for Doumeki to come out of the Shinseikai's office to convince him to quit the yakuza, Yashiro would rather buy him an umbrella at the kombini than share the one that already has this clearly because he thinks Aoi is Doumeki's girlfriend and sees her as a problem.
In the case of Kageyama, when we travel back in time to high school, Yashiro doesn't share his umbrella when he decides to go see him because of his father's death, let's just say Yashiro doesn't know about kindness at this time in his life and it's just beginning to discover his feelings for his "friend".
A detail that I found very interesting is that both Aoi and Yashiro as a teenager use a light-colored umbrella and the rest of the characters only use dark colors, even Yashiro's changes color now in his maturity. I leave them for reflection.
Using Kageyama's school life we can see that scenes of couples walking together under an umbrella while it rains are common in Japanese culture, it is said that you can tell which of the two people loves the other more by looking at who is wetter . In addition, paintings from the Edo period have been found that include the aiai-gasa symbol where the person writes his name and the name of the person he loves.
Another interesting scene of the umbrella is the one that has to do with the relationship that existed between Misumi and Kurobane, which for me is a faithful reflection of the one between Yashiro and Doumeki. On several occasions it is hinted that they could have been much more than yakuza brothers, at least that is what I felt when the president of the Doushinkai tells Misumi that he has lost his better half. What if it was clear that Kurobane felt the same level of devotion for Misumi that Doumeki has for Yashiro.
Now we are going with one of my favorite scenes from the manga that combines almost everything that saezuru symbolizes. Let's start by remembering the difficult time Yashiro is going through having to get rid of the man he loves. Yashiro and Doumeki already had sex and Yashiro broke into a thousand pieces because he found out that he had been a victim of abuse and that nothing that had happened was his fault. Yashiro kept reflecting that being with Doumeki would mean giving up everything he is and can't afford to. After Doumeki gets out of the car, Yashiro focuses on a mother and son walking under an umbrella in the rain, perhaps there can be a greater love than this.
Notice how all the cartoons up to that moment are in white and that after Yashiro sees the mother and son, everything goes dark and it even seems that it is raining inside the car. Seeing this, we can sense that Yashiro wonders why his mother didn't protect him when he was a child and allowed him to be abused. Then Doumeki re-enters the scene, everything lights up again and he brings an umbrella to protect him from the rain. I'm not crying ladies and gentlemen.
Finally let's review how we went from the scene of an extra at the beginning of this manga to the last drawing of Yoneda. The situation is the same but how the language of the characters has changed. In the first scene Doumeki doesn't even dare to be under the same umbrella as his Kashira, he is getting completely wet, so the legend is true whoever loves the most is who gets the most wet. In the second scene, Doumeki is already under the umbrella because now he is no longer Yashiro's subordinate, now they are in equal rank and feelings, who could doubt at this point how much they both love each other despite the fact that the outlook is not very encouraging especially knowing how chapter 50 ended. If we start to analyze, the rain is another character within saezuru and it is no a coincidence that RAIN is the name of the next event.
Thank you if you have come this far reading my ramblings and obsessions. If there is something misspelled, you already know that Google Translator is to blame.
shounen ai mangas that should be a part of your reading list if you enjoy reading healthy and plot-driven romances- part 2.
this is a continuation to the first part of this list i made earlier this month, part 1
6. Until i meet my husband.
the reason why i want this manga to be a part of your reading list is simply because it changed my perspective on gay relationships as a person, there were so many things that i was never able to inculcate myself or things that where actually alienated to me, this manga is actually inspired by a memoir written by ryousuke nanazaki, who happens to be an activist and the manga revolves around his life growing up as somebody who identifies as a gay man and his life till he finally met his husband, i encourage you to give this manga a read and try to understand how gay relationships actually are and not the female gaze that always markets in the shounen ai industry.
7) Koimonogatari.
koimonogatari is alot more than a shounen ai manga, it's about self acceptance, friendship and internalized homophobia, there were multiple instances in the story where i had to sit back and cry and actually introspect for a minute by putting myself in the main character's shoes, if you actually want to experience an actual expression of accepting your identity, please give this manga a read.
8. Restart after come back home.
this story often makes me think about how home is actually a person, i honestly get so overwhelmed with the comfort this manga brings while reading it out, whether it is the art style or honestly the way the characters are written or perhaps it's the grumpy sunshine protector x sunshine trope all over again, please read this out to experience how a story can feel like a literal hug.
9. The two lions.
i have and always will love furuya sensei's work, whether it's the iconic the summer of you series or the two lions in itself, the way she developes her characters and the progression of the stories, it is impeccable, the two lions is such a refreshing read that you would not even realize when you developed such a strong connection towards both the characters.
10. Happy Birthday.
i hold a special bias toward author ymz's works perhaps because i have been heavily inspired by most of her works and learned a lot of things about my own writing style, whether it's sayonara heron or happy birthday, the way she writes her characters and the melancholy, everything is so heart warming and wrenching at the same time, happy birthday again is a lot more about friendship with differentiating factors and points where they intersect together in an utterly chaotic yet in an articulate way, the art style has my heart and you should probably experience this story once.
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