思い出に囚われて

Before I dive into Y & D’s actions and the possible meanings/reasons behind it I’d like to put down some groundwork.

CSA & CEN may manifest in the following ways and persist throughout adulthood:

Emotional regulation difficulties: Children may have difficulties with regulating their emotions. They might have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings, leading to emotional numbing, emotional outbursts, or difficulty forming healthy emotional connections with others.

Low self-esteem: A lack of emotional validation and support can contribute to low self-esteem. Children may grow up feeling unworthy and unimportant or that their feelings and needs do not matter.

Relationship challenges: Abuse and neglect can affect the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. People who experience this may have issues with trust, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability, leading to difficulties in both friendships and romantic partnerships.

Insecure attachment styles: Neglected and/or abused children may develop insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, which can affect their relationships throughout their lives.

Depressive symptoms: Increased risk of depression in adulthood. The lack of emotional support and validation can contribute to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness, which can lead to suicidal ideation (passive & active).

Anxiety and stress: Individuals may be more prone to anxiety and stress due to their unmet emotional needs and difficulty coping with life’s challenges.

Difficulty expressing emotions: People affected may find it difficult to recognize or express emotions. This can hinder their ability to communicate effectively and connect with others.

Perfectionism: Some individuals respond by developing perfectionist tendencies, as they may relate their worth to achieving high standards and meeting others’ expectations.

Self-isolation: People may withdraw from social interactions to protect themselves from potential emotional pain or rejection and may suffer from loneliness and isolation.

I’d like to interject here that BOTH, Y & D, are victims of CEN and CSA. Though Y - without a doubt - suffered through much worse than D, they both struggle with their childhood trauma.

Long term effects of both, CSA and CEN, are often:

fear, or be hypersensitive to, perceived signs of rejection

overreact to stressful events

suppress or avoid negative emotions

have difficulty forming and maintaining new relationships

experience symptoms of depression

have trust issues

find it challenging to communicate their feelings effectively

develop insecure attachment styles

I won’t bore you with studies or sources, but sexual violence survivors have clear and measurable differences in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. The changes are literally physically hardwired into the brain and are not a conscious choice. So when Y is revolted by gentle sex, or D has difficulty expressing thought, it isn’t by choice.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, though. The brain can be retrained. Triggers can be desensitized. We can change. The trouble with Y & D is that it usually requires professional help. Through intense therapy we can be given tools and guidelines of what to do when we suffer through an episode. We must recognize and acknowledge the trigger and the subsequent reaction and then reinforce the new resolution instead. Even with professional help, it is not an overnight betterment. But without actual knowledge of how to tackle the trauma reactions, it is nothing but an intense uphill battle. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes even two or more. Please remember that both are, in fact, victims…. Even if they don’t like to see themselves that way. They are doing the best they can with the skills they have.

At this point, I’d like to touch on Doumeki. Yoneda-sensei has rated his intelligence as a 2/5 previously. Either she doesn’t know her own creation, the assessment was made before extensive growth, or it doesn’t take into account emotional intelligence. Because Doumeki is a 5/5 throughout Ch 57!

But let me jump to Yashiro for just a second! Their interactions come directly after those fateful words were uttered by Yashiro towards the end of Ch 56, “好きだよ”. After the iconic panel of Doumeki wiping away the cum, we can see Yashiro looking like a lost puppy. He is literally frozen, not knowing what to do next. Quite frankly, it was heartbreaking. Of course, this scene is left to speculation (as always), but my interpretation is that Yashiro craves nothing more than Doumeki’s tenderness and love, but at the same time his traumatized brain tells him that uncertainties in sex are scary. Pain is a known and endurable factor. It isn’t scary or unpredictable, so to speak. His body knows how to handle it and survive. At the same time, “receiving love” is revolting and sickening, thanks to his stepfather’s “affection”. At this point in time, I just don’t think that Yashiro’s brain is capable of distinguishing any difference between sex with the stepfather or anyone else (Doumeki) just yet. The fight, flight or freeze responses are still almost completely uncontrollable.

That’s where Savantmeki comes into play. And remember, this is just my personal interpretation. Others may have valid points too!

Doumeki purposely doesn’t react much to the confession at all. If he would, Yashiro would surely be fleeing, denying or slide into defensiveness. After all, “he can’t be caught”. What I initially thought was D disengaging or being distant now seems to me as being VERY intentionally controlled. We can see him engaging, but not overstimulating Y with affection. They are intensely kissing, but he keeps it at that. When Y eventually tells him that he’s had enough kissing, D gently but firmly restrains him with his hands (which is familiar and doesn’t feel threatening) to prevent him from running. He continues kissing and recognizes that he may be pushing too far and changes into another position that is VERY intimate and keeps edging Yashiro again and again with nothing but love and gentleness until the flashback and Yashiro finally balks.

Savantmeki doesn’t discuss or explain. Even though it must hurt him to be rejected in that way, he reacts with nothing but quiet empathy and softly comes for him again and again to show him that sex with him is safe, free of pain, and nothing but true love. Yashiro is clearly on edge as they move on to penetration. D starts off in a position that is safe and familiar for Y, but continues to challenge Y by turning him around and “trapping” his arm in a way to prevent Y from turning away again.

This (and one more) is my absolutely favorite moment in this chapter. Yashiro is pushed to the edge once again by a very observant Savantmeki, in a very exposed position. There is nowhere to hide. There is nothing to hide. Just pure love and lust and all the gentleness in the world. And Yashiro enjoys it so much!

They continue through more positions that are always front facing and D keeps pushing Y through a few weak refusals and denials, but Yashiro finally gives in and wraps himself around his man (the second highlight for me)! That must have felt like a lottery win for D! While he must know by now that Y undeniably has feeling for him, all he ever gets is ambiguity, rejection, and denial. These few precious moments where Yashiro gives in to his desires must mean the world to him.

But no, Savantmeki isn’t done yet. Instead of calling Y out on how he enjoyed it all even though they were facing each other the entire time… that he inflicted no pain etc. , he holds it all in. He lets Yashiro stew in his own emotions. AND IT WORKS! Y is reflecting on himself. Granted, it isn’t very positive… but progress (unaided by professionals and/or meds) usually is very slow, if present at all and awareness is a very important first step! Instead of making demands or divulging feeling and emotions, D simply makes sure Y knows that he will be back. He makes sure that Y has that bit of certainty, but doesn’t overwhelm him and trigger a flight response.

They have both changed so much! This is all headed in a healthy and hopeful direction! In my eyes at least! Since the revelation about Y’s impotence and the confession, Darkmeki is no more. At least not for Yashiro.

A random bit of speculation at the end: D is still impotent with anyone but Y. The whole “I do it myself, because I just can’t help it” is what led me to that conclusion. There is, and never has been, anyone else but Yashiro for Doumeki. Until Yoneda-sensei crushes that dream, I will hold on to it!

I’m adding some resources in case you’d like to read more on the topic: