AddictedToYourLove

Two days ago, my life took a sudden change; a change that I don’t think anyone could prepare for.  I ended the relationship with my daughters father, a relationship that was nearly 6 years strong.  A relationship that had slowly crumbled right beneath me, into a million tears, a million pieces of me… As I pack up what I can fit in my car, all I can do is think… What went wrong, why did things have to be so broken.. Confused, lost.. but ready to start a new life.. Ready to find myself again… 

Just when I thought my life had hit an all time low.. I get another sudden slap in the face.. I wake up around 2am.. roll over to check my phone, something I do every night when I can’t sleep… Not expecting the nightmare that was about to begin.. I have a text message from my cousin… someone I rarely talk to… My heart sinks.. The message reads “I hate to tell you this like this, but your father passed away nearly moments ago, gone to be an angel in the sky.”  Maybe I’m dreaming, this can’t be real.. Not now, not when I need him the most.. I reread it.. over and over again, hoping the words will suddenly change, the message will just disappear, this can’t be happening.. 

I panic, tears roll down my face… Tears that I can’t stop.. I can’t breath.. I knew this day would happen eventually, but why now..  My life has literally became a nightmare in a matter of days, I’m weak.. More lost than I thought I could ever be.  What do I do.. how do I stop these tears.. I can’t possibly go back to sleep.. I’ve gotta leave town.. I have to go be with my family.. Get it together Shannon, you’ve gotta be strong..

I pack my stuff.. ready to make the drive to Kentucky.. To be around the people I don’t even feel like I know.. I have to put a smile on my face for my daughter.. How do you explain to a 3 year old that someone is gone? All these thoughts take over my mind.. The tears won’t stop..

The viewing.. The funeral, where will I find the strength to be apart of these things.. To face the truth, he’s gone.. He won’t be back.. I’ll never hear those words that every daughter needs to hear.. A daddy telling her that she’s special, that she’s loved… That she’s grown into such a remarkable person.. All I can do is reflect on the last conversation we had.. Him telling me how proud of me he is, telling me that I’m a wonderful mother and that I’m unique.. That their is something special about me, something that one day someone will appreciate and love.. Telling me he loves me.. I never knew that would be the last time I heard those words come out of his mouth..