sarasa

God. Do you watch me cry? When I cry in silence.

What do you do then? Do you cry with me? Or laugh at me? Am I an idiot for crying over things? Or do you come to me in dreams? Telling me ‘it’s nothing’.

God. My world is slowly dying. I can’t hold onto anything. It’s eating me out.

I have nowhere to run to. There is no one to run to.

You die every night. Someone keeps you alive in your dreams.

Last night, you caught yourself attacking the person sleeping on your bed.

Were you really stabbing with a knife or trying to make them live?

You didn’t even move an inch from the door frame. Kept watching the act.

But when your eyes met, you got scared. Of what? Yourself? Or the ‘you’ on the bed?

You are scared to even shut your eyes tonight.

I think I can never love someone.

I try too much. When I'm in front of people. I saw her smiling the other day. I sensed her staring at me with a blank stare. What if she finds out? Will she like me?

I'm not this. She knows it, right?

Am I trying too much in front of her? I don't want to look bad.

People are trying to put things up. I don't mind it.

I hate it when she ignores me.  I get the feeling that she knows something about me that I don't know.

Does she like it? I hate it when I have to try. I really want her to like me. 

Oh, how many times I’ve wanted to stop and sit… In the cold of winter, when the sun hangs just above my head, spilling shadows directly beneath me... For anyone to get warmed and want to bask like a cat.

I have to finish the work I’m supposed to do. I can’t stay here wasting even a minute of my time. This gorgeous-looking spot and the manipulating weather — they can’t hold me. I have to go. My work is waiting.

But maybe a few minutes can’t hurt, right? I'll rest for just a few minutes and then walk on my way. To where I'm supposed to be. Where no one's actually waiting for me. Where everybody is busy doing nothing exactly. Where I don’t belong. Where I don’t even fit.

Staring at this spot won't do. I'll just sit here for one minute to feel like there's something that I can do. At least I'm doing something — even if it's not remarkable, and I’m not proud of it. Holding these heavy weights. It looks like everybody is running, like it's the end of the world. It is the end of the world.

(By-cycle rings)

No, today, I've no time for this ..