Yellow Masque

People are actually trying to defend the contradictory, underdeveloped backstory of The Chameleon in Kung Fu Panda by thinking up of every (made up) excuse under the sun. The biggest theory people are using is that Mantis and Shifu are exceptions. Where was that ever said or even implied? In the first movie, it's obvious that people made fun of Po for his fatness, not size. The closest I got with smallness being a thing was Mantis saying something like, "Who am I to judge a warrior based on their size? I mean, look at me." However, did anyone make fun of Mantis, even the villains, for his size? You know Secrets of the Scrolls? You know, the shorts that cover every member of the Furious Five and their struggles before they joined the Furious Five? You want to know what Mantis' struggle was? If you guessed his size, BZRT! You are wrong! It was his patience. His size was NEVER brought up!

Notice how I never mentioned Shifu? Yeah, no one cared about his size, and that was never brought up. Once. Again, not even by the villains, who are supposed to act prejudiced at least a little. It's almost like the writers never cared about his size because size never mattered to them. Ever. Crazy theory, right?

It's a big, giant fact that the writers thought up of her backstory in the last minute. They had ideas, but were scrapped because the director never wanted one in the first place. You want proof? Here you go! Just go to Q14! See? Isn't it great that you have proof for something instead of just mere speculation?! We should do that more!

So, you have a new Kung Fu Panda movie for me?

I sure do, and it'll be released in 2024, the year of the dragon.

Oh, because Po’s the Dragon Warrior! Clever!

Yeah, except he's not going to be Dragon Warrior anymore.

What?

See, now he's got to be this thing called the Spiritual Leader so he's got to give the Dragon Warrior title to someone else.

Already? I know it’s already been three movies, but I feel like Po didn’t really get to be Dragon Warrior for that long.

Oh, and being Dragon Warrior is only a local thing. No one will know what that is outside the Valley of Peace.

So you’re saying that the title of Dragon Warrior, which was set up to be this really important title in the first film, is only given to you for a little while and almost no one knows what it is?

Pretty much.

Didn’t someone attack a village and go to jail for the title of Dragon Warrior?

Hey, shut up, so this fo—

Wait, what about the Furious Five?

Who?

The Furious Five? You know, the guys who were in every Kung Fu Panda movie? What are they going to do in this movie?

Oh, they'll be like… out doing their own thing.

They're not going to be in the movie?

They'll kind of show up in the credits with no lines.

Why?

Money.

You make an excellent point. Carry on. Sorry for interrupting you.

No problem. So this fox girl breaks into the Jade Palace and tries stealing some stuff, but Po stops her and sends her to jail.

What's the fox girl's name?

Oh, I forgot. Everyone just calls her Awkwafina.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because she's just Awkwafina as a fox.

Fair enough.

Then Po finds out that Tai Lung is back.

That’s the guy from the first movie!

Yep, but Po finds out from Awkwafina that it wasn't actually Tai Lung, but the villain for this movie, The Chameleon.

Oh, so she’s a chameleon. What's her name?

I just said it— The Chameleon.

Don't you think it's a little weird that the last three villains had actual names— you know, Tai Lung, Shen, Kai— but this one is just named after her species?

Nope.

Well okay, then.

So now Po and Awkwafina have to go to Juniper City in order to stop her since Awkwafina knows where to find her.

Alright.

But it turns out that Awkwafina was working for The Chameleon this whole time.

Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow.

Yeah, it turns out that Awkwafina was trying to steal Po’s staff that Master Oogway gave him in the third movie so that The Chameleon could use it. The problem is that you need to have it given to you in order to use it, so she tricked Po into giving it to her by abusing his trust.

So Awkwafina's a bad guy, got it.

No, she's actually good. She apologizes to Po, and they make up pretty quickly.

Oh, okay. So what's The Chameleon’s evil plan, here?

She's going to open up a portal to the Spirit Realm to steal the kung fu of all the evil kung fu masters.

And she succeeds?

Yep. She even brought back the villains from the previous movies like Lord Shen and Kai. Remember them?

Lord Shen was a kung fu master? I thought he just used knives and fireworks.

Well… yeah.

And didn't Kai get blasted into nothing in the last movie? How was he able to come back?

Because I said so.

Works for me. Do the previous villains get any lines?

Just Tai Lung.

Oh, so he does come back!

Yes, he does!

It’s been so long since we’ve last seen him!

Exactly. That's why he's going to be in the trailer and both of the official movie posters.

Man, I’m so hyped! What’s he going to do in the movie? Is he going to play a big role in it? Maybe get a rematch with Po?

He appears in the last part of the movie, gets locked in a cage, and does… pretty much nothing.

Wow! Using fan-favorite characters for marketing and nostalgic purposes only to do nothing with them is tight!

Well, he does get a redemption arc.

Oh, by realizing that Po deserved the Dragon Warrior title more than he did because he was a poopy head who had zero self-confidence, then apologizes for attacking that village and trying to kill everyone, including Master Shifu, his father-figure?

Mmm, something like that. See, Po was able to get everyone’s kung fu back and that gets the respect of all the villains, who bow to Po.

Even the irredeemable monsters like Shen and Kai?

Yep, but not before The Chameleon reveals her backstory to Po.

What’s her backstory?

She wanted to learn kung fu, but she was rejected for being too small.

But what about Mantis?

Why would an MCU character be in a Kung Fu Panda movie?

N-no, Mantis, the little bug who was taught kung fu. He’s smaller than her. How did he not get rejected?

Oh, right. See, we figured if he wasn’t in this movie, people would forget he existed and not ask that question that you’re asking right now.

But isn’t Master Shifu in this movie? He’s like, about the same size as The Chameleon is, right?

Whoops. Forgot about him!

Whoopsies! So how are you going to explain that?

Explain what?

Why The Chameleon got rejected for being small when Mantis and Master Shifu exist? Were they exceptions? Was The Chameleon just lying about how she got rejected? Did the teachers who rejected her not want to tell her the real reason why she couldn’t do kung fu and just made up the smallness excuse? Shouldn’t Po have said something about Shifu and Mantis since he personally knows that they’re just as small as The Chameleon?

Hey, what I need you to do is to get waaaaaay off my back about that backstory.

Alrighty, then. So The Chameleon was able to steal all that kung fu from those masters, even Kai, who is known to have been able to defeat the likes of Master Oogway, right?

Oh, yeah. She’s really powerful.

It must be really difficult for Po to be able to defeat her.

Actually, it’s going to be really easy. Barely an inconvenience.

Oh.

Yeah. He and Awkwafina—

Oh, right. She’s in this movie!

And don’t forget Po’s dads, who just run around being the comic relief.

Were they necessary at all to this movie?

Nothing would have changed besides that one conversation they had with Po about the moral of this movie.

What’s the moral of the movie?

Not all change is bad.

How can you tell which changes are bad? Or good, for that matter?

I don’t know. :)

Just checking. So you were saying?

He and Awkwafina were able to defeat The Chameleon easily. After that, all the villains go back to the Spirit Realm.

Quick question: does Tai Lung ever see Master Shifu again?

Nope.

How fulfilling of a redemption arc Kung Fu Panda’s very first villain had. Bravo.

Thank you, sir.

So what happens next?

Po names Awkwafina the next Dragon Warrior.

He names her something that means almost nothing in this franchise now?

Oh, right. Forgot about that. Anyway, what do you think?

Well, this movie certainly is different from the last few movies. I mean, no Furious Five, Po not being the Dragon Warrior anymore, a fart joke… You think everyone will like this?

Why wouldn’t they? It’s Kung Fu Panda! Our movies have always been hits with everyone in the past!

I am not fucking okay with Magen from Drake and Josh letting their brothers go FUCKING DIE on a helicopter with little to no fuel because she didn’t want to take five minutes off of the house phone to tell her mom and dad that her brothers were in SERIOUS trouble.

She didn’t have to care about their damn safety. Just telling on them would get her brothers in so much trouble, and she would have seen her parents snap at Drake disobeying orders and Josh tagging along to a dangerous sport ON TOP OF getting stranded on a helicopter with no pilot and one parachute FIRST HAND. Hell, they got in trouble when they survived, anyway.

But, no. She wanted her damn brothers to FUCKING DIE (one desperately wanting to pee) instead of getting her brothers into trouble again.

Oh, Drake and Josh died at sea or crashed somewhere in the helicopter, and I could have helped? Now, Mom and Dad are mourning them? They’re crying because they have to set up not one, but two funerals instead of yelling at them due to one of their crazy shenanigans again? I have no one to torture now that I killed my brothers? It’s okay! At least my friend and I got to discuss FUCKING STICKERS.

Magen, your poor brothers were LUCKY to have survived that helicopter. What happened if they were never rescued by that tuna boat? What happened if they drowned because they got so tired from swimming too much while looking for help?

“Did you get me any tuna?” Shut the FUCK UP, you little bitch. I would have been fine if one of them actually got a hold of you and strangled your ass to death. Maybe then you’d realize how wrong it was to kill a sibling by another sibling’s hand. But no, the bitch got away with it.

And that’s the thing. She ALWAYS gets away with it. Fine. I get it. It’s because she’s “evil” except when:

she didn’t say she was with them during that roller coaster episode to get a chance to ride it

she got away with raising a pregnant sheep and a horse when she didn’t know how to take care of one

she made them go crazy over the fact that they thought they killed her hamster/gerbil/whatever when it really was fine

when she threw a cookie that started a war between the two brothers over some foam finger (and promised the guy money from the parents wo telling them) and did it again when they got old

she pretended to get hit by her brothers just to use a telescope

she video taped her brothers without them knowing (okay, it was actually for the best because she caught Drake’s gf cheating)

where are you?

FRE

SHAVACADO

Me with my Pokémon at low health: