Yell

Story:

Chill early morning in the barn, the sun slowly rising above the treeline warming their faces ever so slightly with that warmth that told you spring was just around the corner… it would have been a comforting sight for Vesta any other day but today.

Her hands were trembling and her heart beating hard in her chest as she put her boots on, struggled with the zipper, then the other boot. Spurs on, the long rounded ones like her father liked even though she rarely rode Babylon in spurs anymore.

She took a deep breath. This is what she wanted, right? Her father had been… ignoring her, doing the bare minimum for her since she came back from Greece. He wouldn’t talk to her, he wouldn’t train with her, she kept trying to make conversation, but lately things had been going quite poorly with Babylon, she felt overwhelmed and overhorsed and couldn’t keep up with the mare’s physic.

“So… are you coming to watch me this weekend?” Vesta asked over dinner last night.

She was sitting across the table from Rickey, poking at her food with her fork. Something elaborate, some sort of white fish with shellfish and shrimps, potatoes and a very tasty wine based sauce, but she wasn’t feeling hungry at all.

Rickey looked up at her, squinting like she had just tried to insult him.

“Of course I’m going, who else is going to watch you?” He asked in a tone that wasn’t even remotely comforting. It was accusatory.

“Nobody,” Vesta mumbled, keeping her eyes down. “But I thought you wouldn’t-” 

“Well think fucking again, Vesta. You’re not gonna make me feel like a bad father about it.” He started to raise his voice slightly, Vesta shrinked in her chair. “You keep trying to make me into the bad guy, you're such a brat, so entitled. I can’t even believe you’d think I wouldn’t- God, Vesta. I’m your father.” “It’s just because you, you, you didn’t want to assist when I was practicing I thought- I, that’s- I’m sorry” Vesta started, babbling out her words in an attempt to defend herself that was met by Rickey’s fist shaking the table.

And a few seconds of silence afterwards.

“I’ve been busy, Vesta” He started again, in that accusatory tone. “Working with actual riders that are going to get somewhere, providing for you so you can keep trying to make something out of that stupid mare of yours” Vesta almost felt the need to protest again but he raised a finger at her to keep her quiet. “I don’t even want to talk to you right now. Tomorrow morning I’ll see your practice. It better be good” Then he proceeded to put away both his and Vesta’s plate, grumbling about how he wasn’t even hungry anymore, and went back to his room to sleep for the night. Vesta felt sick for a moment, stood there frozen in place, her hands shaking on top of the wooden table as she tried to calm down but she kept feeling her throat closing on her, her chest getting tighter and no amount of deep breaths was enough to get air in her lungs.

This is what she wanted, right? He was going to come see her train.

This is what she wanted. She wanted this. It was her chance to prove to him she was able to. To do things. It was her chance.

Right, right? Then why did it feel so world ending? What was wrong with her? She took at least another hour before she could snap herself out of it and go to bed, and even then, she kept waking up, rolling over, thinking, trying to prepare herself for the session next morning. Before she even realized, her father’s alarm was going off in his room. She felt sick all of a sudden, and looked at the time, it was 5 am.

She jumped out of her bed, got in the shower. He got out of his room and made breakfast. She got out of the shower, dressed, and had breakfast while he showered. And they were off to the barn. Arrived there a couple minutes before 6.

Nobody else was there yet, lessons started at 8.

Her father liked it this way better. Less distractions. Less witnesses. It had always been like that with him, since Vesta was little. Lessons with him were either late, after everybody else was gone or early in the morning before anybody else arrived.

They walked in silence to the stables, got Babylon out, the mare was confused as to why they were there so early, but still willing to follow the girl around. She stood to get tacked up with no problem. Her usual saddle, girth, breast collar. Then the bridle.

“What’s that bit you’re using?” Rickey asked.

“Uhm-” Vesta hesitated. “A double joint it’s- it’s what I’ve been using for jumping, she likes it” Her voice was barely a thread, barely audible as she explained herself.

“Hm.” He made a face at it. “Who gave it to you, why do you- You can’t be changing her tack up just because you feel like it Vesta, it all has a reason- It’s not- A bit is not something you can change just for looks.” He started, sounding tired and quite bothered by it. “We’ll see how it goes but I think you’d need more leverage on her.” He kept going. “No wonder why she’s been running off with you.”

He kept making those smart remarks, making the teen girl feel like she was nothing, dirt on his boot at best. She threw the reins over the neck, put the bridle on without saying another word. Then he decided he was gonna warm her up on the lunge line, see how she was fencing in that bit, because he wasn’t sure. All while Vesta got ready to ride.

She walked to the car, got all her equipment on, the airbag vest, the helmet, boots, spurs. It took her maybe 3 minutes. Then she sat there for another 10 minutes trying to psych herself to get done with it. 

She hated lessons with her father. When he was in a bad mood she dreaded them like nothing else. But her best lessons and the ones that she had learned the most of- those were also with him. She was convinced it was her problem, it was her issue, she wasn’t good enough, she wasn’t working hard enough- He talked about it all the time, how kids these days don’t know how to put in the work to be great.

Maybe it was just that, maybe she just wasn’t great, yet she refused to quit.

She just wanted to get on his good side again, she wanted him to talk to her and help her. She couldn’t do it alone, clearly. Her relationship with Babylon was in shambles, and she was growing scared of the mare lately.

This was going to help.

It was.

It’ll help.

She was convinced of it, right? Then why were her hands shaking?

She forced herself to walk towards the arena, her fingertips were feeling numb. She felt lightheaded as her heart picked up speed in her chest.

Breath.

Slowly, breath in. Breath out.

This is going to help.

She watched her father lunge Babylon for a couple more minutes from the edge of the arena. The mare was all fire, and Rickey had always been particularly hard with her. It almost seemed as if he was purposely messing with her so she would give him an excuse to justify his harsh treatment.

He used a whip to chase her around, and didn't give her space to think. Changed directions harshly, she would move out out of fear trying to get away from the pressure. At points, Vesta could see Babylon trying to face Rickey, her nostrils flared, drenched in sweat already. Rickey took it as an attempt to strike at him and made her move out again. ‘Can’t let her even think about it’ he would say.

At some point, she tried to kick out at the whip that he was constantly tapping her legs with, to which Rickey responded by swinging the whip even harder, making a sound even when it made contact with her hind quarters. The mare whined and galloped out of control again.

Vesta cringed internally. But remained quiet, her hands clenched into fists to try and hide the trembling of her hands. “I- I thought you were just going to warm her up” She mumbled, after Rickey made Babylon stop once again.

The mare’s neck was twisted to the inside of the circle in such a violent pull, that she stopped immediately, facing Rickey. She tried to back up a couple steps but was met with the end of the line that the man was holding tightly. And she didn’t fight it. Just stood there in a state of shock, breathing heavily.

“She’s drenched in sweat already.” Vesta went to touch her mare’s neck. Big drops of sweat were running down her fur.

“Well she wouldn’t be if she stopped playing games with me. Get on, we’re gonna start in the line” He gestured at his daughter to get in the saddle, then pulled his hair back with his hand, slightly out of breath as well but with a slight grin showing on his face.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you ride so let’s see how those transitions are going, I wanna see how you ask her.” He explained, putting on his professional talk voice.

They did that for a few minutes, walk, collect, stop, backup, then go forward into a passage. 

Then they removed the long line so she could practice that passage along the long wall of the arena. He didn’t like it, it was correct, Babylon was always very correct and very precise with her moves but she wasn’t flashy. She didn’t pick her feet as high as he wanted.

“Hold her, close your fingers. Harder, tuck her head” He kept saying. Babylon was fighting at the bit, opening her mouth to escape the pressure of it by this point.

Vesta was trying to be gentle with her leg, aware of her spurs but Rickey apparently didn’t think she was doing enough, instructing her to put her leg stronger on her. “You’re not going to hurt her, she’s a huge animal, they fight all the time amongst themselves, don’t be a baby” were some of his favourite excuses to make.

Vesta tried to press her more with the spur, but at some point Babylon had enough and stopped, throwing her head up and hoofing at the ground, confused and threatening to rear.

“I said MORE leg are you even LISTENING to me Vesta?” Rickey roared at her. “Why am I even here if you’re going to ignore the instructions I give you?”

"I- I did!" Vesta talked back. "I was putting my leg!"

"Well CLEARLY not enough! Keep going! Again!" He yelled back, coming at her with the whip, he stroke at the mare's hind quarters in frustration.

Babylon whined, immediately shooting off in an out of control gallop. The reins slipped a significant amount from Vesta's hands.

"Well now she has energy!" He mocked them. "Now give her some calm, grab the reins. Come on. Stop."

Vesta tried so hard to stop, her face was burning in embarrassment and shame, and her eyes welling up with tears. It took Babylon a whole lap to the arena to be able to stop and by then both her and Vesta were shaking. The girl caressed the neck and quietly apologized, hoping for a moment that allowed them both to catch their breath, but it didn't happen.

She saw by the corner of her eye her father start to walk towards them, and immediately tears started to run down her face. Her breathing became so worked up, like no matter how deep she tried to breathe in, it was never enough air.

She tried to wipe her tears away so fast, so violently with the sleeve of her shirt, but she was gasping for air between contained sobs and it wouldn't stop.

He walked by them, took one look at her and the absolute look of disappointment in his face sent Vesta into a full blown panic attack, unable to make excuses for herself, trying to apologize. Beg for his forgiveness, even.

He stood there quietly and then sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Mumbled something about how he couldn't believe she would cry for that, Vesta was listening to him like her head was under water.

"She didn't even do anything, just ran for a bit" He started. "You used to be more brave, god, Vesta, if you wanna quit just say so."

Vesta couldn't respond.

"Stop already" He demanded, waiting for her to stop crying but it didn't happen. "Alright, get off." Once again, he demanded. When Vesta didn't move, he proceeded to unclip her airbag himself, and force her down grabbing her by the arm. "If you're gonna be a fucking baby about it then you can sit over there 'n calm down, alright?" He guided Vesta -or more like almost dragged her, grabbing her by the arm with one hand, and holding the reins with the other- to sit on a chair in a corner of the arena.

"Just sit there, breath, ok, nothing happened. She just bolted a little. It wasn't that scary. Calm down, you're making me look bad." His tone was condescending at best, but to Vesta it sounded caring, at least a little.

He looked at the horse, then at his phone, checking the hour. Then back at his daughter, who couldn't stop crying and violently shaking, holding her arm like he had broken it or something even though he just... literally just held her, she was being soooo dramatic. Rolled his eyes.

"Fine, just stay here." He ended up getting on Babylon himself, the mare seemed to feel his energy and started to back up immediately as he picked up the reins.

And he was fast to 'correct' her as well, using the whip to strike her not once, but twice, and even three times. "That's not what I asked now, was it?" He mocked her, a grin starting to draw on his face as the mare tried to bolt again in retaliation. He pulled the reins so hard and harsh that Babylon stopped in a very dramatic way, almost sitting her hind quarters on the ground.

The mare seemed in shock for a second. Not sure of how to respond. Frozen in place. Then is when Rickey rewarded her with a single pat on the neck, then asked for collection. Then more collection. Babylon started to backup again, but Rickey kicked her ribs and this time that was enough to stop her from keep walking backwards. She loaded her whole bodyweight in her back legs, almost as if she was going to rear but couldn't bring herself to. She was exhausted, sweating to the point whole drops of sweat were dropping from her belly. Rickey made her go forward again, wanting to get a nice passage off of her. To try and ‘finish on a good note’.

But kept asking for more and more collection on the bit, to the point her chin was touching her chest. Every step, he used the whip to ask for more movement of her legs.

He made the mare work for another 15 minutes before he allowed her to rest and stretch her neck. She immediately let her head down. Vesta didn't stop crying for one second during that time but she tried to hold herself together when her father walked with Babylon in front of the chair she was sitting at.

A car had just entered the parking lot, and Rickey had eyes on it like a hawk.

It was the showjumping teacher, Natsuo Hawthorn, Vesta had a lesson with him in a few minutes. His face twitched a second, but he ended up getting down next to Vesta and handing her the reins.

"Up, walk her" He said, plainly. "Gonna tell your teacher you're not feeling well, alright. We'll go home as soon as Babylon's cooled down." He softly caressed Vesta's hair, but didn't even look at her before he walked off to talk to the other trainer.

It was a brief talk, Vesta didn't move for a couple of minutes, just sitting in a state of shell shock before the sound of her father's footsteps walking back to the arena kicked her into action again, jumped in the saddle and walked around for a bit, she tried to apologize to Babylon, let her know it was ok, but it wasn't. She felt like a liar. But they needed to do this.

So he would accept them again.

But she hated to see her mare like that. Every time, without a fault, it broke something in her.

After she considered that Babylon was cooled off enough, she got down and immediately ran out of the arena, showered the sweat off the mare and put her in a paddock, and then they were back in the car, going home.

"I don't know if you're ready to show this weekend, Vesta. I mean, I'll take you to it but I don't know" He started after several minutes of silence. "Seems like a waste of money."

"No! It, it was just a bad morning. I didn't sleep well." Vesta assured him, in a slight panic. "I'm- It's- It's also too late to drop it, I already, I mean, I paid the inscription already." She lied.

Her heart was beating fast and hard in her chest.

She needed to show, it was her- her redemption. She needed it.

He would never come to see her to any other show if she started to drop out of shows for no reason. He might not even let her keep Babylon.

There was too much at stake.

He made a face. "Vesta..."

"Just- please." She begged.

"I don't know... That mare isn't ready, I don't even know how she didn't kill you in Greece" He started. "It's dangerous, and you can't control her, I mean, look at what happened you couldn't even stop her."

"She's better when we're at shows, its- I swear it's like she relaxes or something, she’s more focused, it'll be fine it was just- I wasn't- Please dad" Vesta spoke fast, feeling like she was going to start crying again but trying not to.

"God- alright, I'm just trying to look out for you, calm down." Rickey rolled his eyes. "Fine, but you have to do it without crying or I won't take you to any more shows."

-----

Vesta barely slept any that night, she kept rolling over, waking up. Trying to go back to sleep. And before she could even rest some the alarm on her father’s phone was going off. She quickly got up and got in the shower. While she was in the shower, her father got up, made breakfast, she got out of the shower. Got dressed, ate breakfast while he showered, and they were off.

Babylon seemed just as tired and shell shocked as Vesta was, loaded in the trailer like a machine, not a thought between her ears. Vesta made sure to fill her haynet a little more as a way to ask for her forgiveness. Babylon didn't touch the hay.

They arrived at the venue without exchanging a single word, Vesta just looking out of the window and listening to music in her headphones. Trying to get herself in the zone to go into the arena without having a panic attack but the closer they were the harder it was to feel confident.

“Do you think we can do it” She asked with a thread of voice once her dad had parked in the parking lot.

“Not with that attitude. If you’re gonna start acting like this before even putting a foot in the arena, Vesta, then maybe this sport isn’t for you. I’m serious.” He leaned in his seat. “You need to be able to handle a little heat.”

“She was- she was doing pretty good with the reprise all week till yesterday, I-” Vesta started, but her father interrupted her.

“Oh there we go again. Blaming me.” Rickey rolled his eyes with a hand gesture in the air, exasperated.

“No, I just- I don’t understand.” “You don’t have to, Vesta, this- For fucks shake, this sport isn’t even hard you compete on white breeches, clearly none of these assholes put any work on their horses themselves, they have a trainer at home that does all the work, then they get on and look good, that’s all there is to it. You don’t need to understand shit. You just need to do what I tell you to.” He ranted, gesturing in the air to emphasize his words.

Vesta shut her mouth, staring at her phone.

“Yesterday I didn’t see a winning horse, I saw a foal that had never been told no, I saw a bratty mare that wanted to get away with shit you can’t get away in the ring.” He said, the girl shrinked in her seat. “But we’re gonna fix it, alright, you just finish the reprise, do it and we’ll work on it next week.” He offered.

A crumb.

A peace offering.

Vesta glanced at him.

“Go on, go get ready” He reached with his arm across her to open her door. Vesta did.

Got out of their car and went straight to get Babylon out of the trailer, and settled in the venue’s stables for the weekend. The mare had sweated a little bit on the trip, and Vesta noticed she hadn’t touched her hay. But it was…

Probably nothing. She washed some of the sweat off the mare with some shavings as they got to the stables, Baby leaned into her touch.

“How are you feeling, girl” She asked softly, her father must be grabbing coffee in the cafeteria, so she took that moment to have a one on one with her mare. “You’re gonna try for me, right? Just this time” She mumbled, Babylon leaned her forehead on the girl's body, and Vesta scratched the back of her ears aimlessly. “Just this time, and then everything will get better, I promise.” She continued. “But you have to try for me, just this one time. I can’t do it without you.”

They stood there for a bit, Babylon with her head leaning on the girl, Vesta caressing her softly. Then Babylon violently pulled her head up and pinned her ears, as soon as she noticed Rickey approaching with two cups, one of coffee, black and simple for him, and one of chocolate milk for Vesta.

 “Here, a treat, now relax.” He said as he offered his daughter the cup. “It 's hot.” Vesta sighed, glancing at Babylon, that was keeping herself at the further away corner of the stable now, with her ears pinned and her head down. She took a sip, and looked at her dad in surprise.