Yeah, yeah, I know exactly how long it’s been, thanks. Blame life. But hey, at least I’ve got tons of material, including the CAH game referenced in the last post.
I still need votes for the Best of D&D Tiebreaker! Please vote here!
There were some neck-in-neck competitor’s for this month’s MVP, but the title goes to SW for a snappy one-liner that had us all in fits of hysterics. So congratulations, SW!
Overheard at Random
SW: "You know when lumberjacks have a sleepover it's called a lumber party, right?"
About a downright evil video:
KH: "Please send that to me so I can traumatise my friends."
Overheard at Work
Recovery on a Saturday:
LH: (frustrated scream in the distance)
CT: (calls back) "Same!"
About how KH holds her pen:
Customer: (watches KH write): "They must've hated you at school."
KH: "Yes they did!"
KH: "Remind me to tell you the joke about being in your mid-twenties."
CT: "Isn't that the joke?"
About an unknown screechy noise:
KH: "What is that lovely sound?"
CT: "The suffering of a thousand souls."
Overheard on Skype:
About changes to the Doctor Who finale:
KH: (about Missy/Master action): "Technically it would count as masturbation."
AP: "MASTER-bation?"
KH: "...FUCK, I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO DO THAT."
Synonyms for massage therapist:
AP: "Masseuse? Massage-ist? Massage-inist? Hehe."
Overheard During Cards Against Humanity
Card: Being circumcised with a deli slicer
MR: "Well, it could still be a Kosher deli."
Card: 55-gallon drum of lube
RD: "That was someone's throwaway, wasn't it?"
SW: "I dunno, that describes plenty of congressmen."
An ounce of [society] is worth a pound of [three years of semen in a shoebox].
After months of practice with [it being too late to stop having sex with a horse], I think I'm finally ready for [the sweet forbidden meat of the monkey].
After months of practice with [when you fart and a little bit comes out], I think I'm finally ready for [a miscarriage].
And the Academy Award for [rock-hard tits and a huge vagina] goes to [an asymmetric boob job].
And the Academy Award for [Meatloaf, the food] goes to [Meatloaf, the man].
In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of [an empowered woman].
About the gay sorcerer card:
MR: "He casts flaming sphere."
In the distant future, historians will agree that [a bunch of snot-nosed, know-it-all twentysomethings] marked the beginning of America's decline.
TSA guidelines now prohibit [three consecutive seconds of happiness] on airplanes.
MR: "Thank you for flying United."
MGW: "Let's see what you chucklefucks are into..."
The Moment KH grossed-out the most hardened of men:
Mmmmm, [the hot dog I put up my vagina ten days ago]...and it's still warm!
About all the ass-related cards:
KH: "What is with all the anal?!"
MR: "I dunno, it's like the Perfect Butt Storm."
What we've learned about each other:
SW: "May it never leave this room."
KH: "Oh no, some of it's going on the blog."
Overheard During D&D
About an enemy, in relation to the last post's/session's dick-stabbery:
MGW: "We're like, 'There is no dick to punch! What do we do?!'"
About a killing blow, also in relation to the last post's/session's dick-stabbery:
KH: "Can we say I stabbed him in the dick and he bled out?"
RD: "You are one twisted fuck."
Hidden enemies:
MGW: "Is that bush talking shit?"
KH: "No, that's the other end."
Hidden enemies talking:
MGW: "What a negative bush."
Good vs. bad locations:
RD: "Remind me, where is everybody?"
JB: "I'm in a bush. Digging around for holes. It's a thick bush."
Leveling up outside the fourth wall:
SW (IC): "I feel strange now, guys - like I can wear medium armor."
Phrasing:
JB: "You do things when I touch you. I'm talking to my tablet; I'm not talking to my penis."
About the annoying bard and his location:
JB (IC): "I told you; he's singing among the stars."
KH (IC): "Oh, is he dead?"
RD (IC): "We should be so lucky."
Orc rites of passage:
JB: "[The chief's] newly manhood-ed son."
MR and SW: "Happy Orc Mitzvah."
Sword Bard = Sard, Bard Party = Bardy...:
MR: "Come on Sardy, let's go Bardy!"
JB: "Uh-uh-oooooh yeah!"
Applying for the Ministry of Silly Walks:
MR: "I'm Tom-foolering myself forward."
Goliath logic:
MGW (IC): "So, you see, [SW's character], when a man and a woman love each other..."
SW (IC): "Oh, tectonic motion?"
Phrasing (again):
MR (IC): "...And keep fucking it until it's dead. ...Fucking it with swords."
SW (IC): "You've spent too much time in Waterdeep."
About character-related plot hooks for a triton:
KH: "No hook."
JB: "You're not gonna hook the fish?"
MR: "You're not gonna bait him?"
KH: "I fucking walked into that one."
MR: "We got you right in the net - hook, line, and sinker."
About sentient skeletons:
MR: "Just because you're undead doesn't mean you can't be fundead."
When a character trained with Stormtroopers:
RD: "You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside."
Discussing stories:
SC: "So I made up this sci-fi machination that doesn't exist..."
KH: "So basically a Deus Ex Machination?"
SC: "...Yes, that."
Player 1: "What's the name of the monster?"
MGW: "Steve."
About (in)convenient infections:
Player 2: "Is it a plot disease?"
About KC's monk/druid/bear form:
MGW: "So you're Kung Fu Panda?"
About questionable ideas/druidic beast form limitations:
Player 2: "Is biting a skull spider really a good idea?"
MGW: "We're about to find out, aren't we?"
Trying to talk with a belligerent character:
Player 2 (IC): "What does the sign say?"
KH (IC): "Sign says 'words of the prophets written on subway walls.'"
J (OOC): "Well, she's not exactly wrong..."
The same player keeps trying to listen in on KH's whispers:
Player 2: "What language do you say this in?"
KH: "Subliminal message."
About birthday wishes coming true for everyone's favourite murder child:
SW: "Who knew Gruumsh was a member of the Make a Wish Foundation?"
MR: "You're suggesting [child]'s terminal!"
SW: "Have you seen the company her mother keeps?"
About murder child's mother (KH's character):
MR: "She's one of the four soccer moms of the apocalypse."
About the Zone of Truth spell at a birthday party:
MR: "Because it's a kids' party, it's the Discovery Zone."
About a previous adventure:
MR: "That was a good time."
SW: "That was a very good time. Fuck you, by the way."
About the rogue with loaded dice/"dice guy":
JB: "This might get a little dicey."
KH: (cringe)
JB: "I'm on a roll."
KH: (cringes, grabs notebook)
JB: "You're not on my side? All six of them?"
KH: "STOP IT!"
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Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeen! The votes for Round One are IN, and the finalists are posted below! Once again, there will be a survey to narrow down the potentials, and then it’s on to Round Three!
My only fear is that y’all will get bored of even the best quotes by then. Hopefully not...
Once again, the survey is at the end of the post!
Overheard During D&D Other RPGs/3.5e
Describing a character:
SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.”
DM: “She shits brick houses.”
Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”
Rogue equipment:
KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.”
MM (IC): “We have socks.”
Proper procedure when everything goes to hell:
RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”
During Hackmaster, about a bottle label:
SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”
KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ”
MM (IC): “Oh, him.”
IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ”
KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?”
IO: “No.”
Calling for divine help in very specific situations:
MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.”
KB: “Head-splosion.”
SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.”
MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.”
RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!”
SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”
Overheard During D&D 4e
Taunting the kraken:
Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”
What we think we saw - again?:
Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.”
KH: “It’s a witch.”
RJ: “Build a bridge out of ‘er!”
Mass undead murder:
Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”
SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.”
Player: “Porn?”
Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC:
SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”
Healing needed:
Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?”
WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”
Killing the undead:
SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”
Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.”
MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”
Captain: “Neverwinter ho!”
Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”
Interesting kills:
SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”
Overheard During D&D 5e
Spell modifications for humourous purposes:
MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”
Demonic insight:
KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’”
JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’”
Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.
About a previous edition of D&D:
KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?”
SW: “Win.”
What to do with windmills:
KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.”
MR: “Cavalier idea.”
After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks:
BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.”
KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.”
JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”
Switching to melee for a change:
CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)
Identifying mysterious cults:
KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?”
EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”
EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”
Scrying like bad cell reception:
KH: “Switch to AD&D.”
JB: “Can you scry me now?”
MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.”
JF: “D&D in a summary.”
Wisdom for stealing magic items:
KC: “Anything that glows goes.”
To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness:
MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”
More on the seduction roll:
Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”
Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?”
AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”
Old adages:
MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?”
KH: “Yes.”
About cultists:
DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”
About flirting with an efreet:
JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”
Worst-laid plans:
KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.”
MR (IC): “You should.”
Zombies aren’t too smart:
BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!”
Bobs: (run at gnoll party member)
KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?”
JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”
Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the ultimate showdown: THE BEST OF D&D!
This post contains the best of the best of the D&D/RPG posts over the years of TWWS, all the way from the beginning. At the end of the post, there will be a link to a survey where you can vote for your favourites in each category (other/3.5e, 4e, and 5e) and nominate MVPs for each category. If the person you want to vote MVP has only been referenced as “Player,” just note down what quote they’re responsible for. A week from today (or until enough of you fill out the survey), Round 2 of the competition begins.
Everybody roll for initiative!
Overheard During Other RPGs
During Hackmaster, about a bottle label:
SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”
Overheard During D&D 3.5e
Unarmed damage?:
MM: “It’s the difference between a slap and a bitch-slap.”
So wrong it's right:
MM (IC): “I like your spunk.”
KH (OOC): “So does [gay player].”
Rogue equipment:
KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.”
MM (IC): “We have socks.”
Describing a character:
SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.”
DM: “She shits brick houses.”
Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”
When the party has two rogues:
KH (IC): “I can find it!”
KB (IC): “I can find it better.”
RD (IC): “[Wizard], if you do not stop right now, I will arrest you for terminal stupidity, and I can assure you, I will find a law against it!”
A discount on services rendered:
SO: “What’s 75% off of ‘I run and do whatever you ask without question’?”
Calling for divine help in very specific situations:
MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.”
KB: “Head-splosion.”
SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.”
MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.”
RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!”
SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”
IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ”
KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?”
IO: “No.”
Proper procedure when everything goes to hell:
RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”
KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ”
MM (IC): “Oh, him.”
How to pray to the god Ao:
KB, KH, and MM: “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes sayin’ heeeeey-oh! I worship Aaaaaaa-o!”
Bubbles: “[The wizard’s] gaaaaaaaay-o!"
Overheard During D&D 4e
SIDE NOTE: A Quiplash commentary on D&D 4e:
A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper
- 4th ed character sheets
What we think we saw - again?:
Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.”
KH: “It’s a witch.”
RJ: “Build a bridge out of 'er!”
Healing needed:
Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?”
WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”
Captain: “Neverwinter ho!”
Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”
SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.”
Player: “Porn?”
About attacking a character that may or may not be good:
SB: “Wait, what’s your alignment?”
Player: “Lawful Paranoid.”
Taunting the kraken:
Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”
Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC:
SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”
Making sure it’s really dead:
SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”
Killing the undead:
SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”
Mass undead murder:
Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”
Architecture:
Player: “I like big buttresses and I cannot lie.”
Interesting kills:
SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”
About flying books:
Player 1: “The window opens in! How do they fly out?”
Player 2: “They’re paperbacks."
Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.”
MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”
Player: “Is the food still on the table?”
Three Of Us: “DON’T EAT IT!!!”
Overheard During D&D 5e
Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?”
AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”
Don’t mess with a dire bear:
JI: “There’s one inside who attacks the bear…" (rolls) "...and misses horribly ‘cause he shits his pants.”
JI: “He doesn’t have 100 hit points. He has 95.”
Demonic insight:
KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’”
JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’”
Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.
Animal form disadvantages:
AD: “I’m going to bite [the zombie].”
Everyone Else: (mass noise of disgust)
JI: “You feel a pinch in your mind as if she’s flipping through your yellow pages.”
AD: “That’s got to be a euphemism for something.”
ST: “Oh, yeah, baby, turn my yellow pages.”
JB: “Turn to ‘F’ for fun.”
What happens in every religious venue in every D&D campaign ever:
JB: “Here is the church, here is the steeple,”
KH: “Open the door, and here are the zombies.”
KH: “Did you sneak off to her house in the middle of the night?”
ST: “Does that sound like something I would do?”
KH, AD, and CD: “Yes.”
JI: “You guys came in here - ”
AD: “ - like a wrecking ball - ”
Post-adventure considerations:
KH: “[Rogue] wouldn’t know what to do with her life.”
AD: “She can bail herself out of jail.”
Switching to melee for a change:
CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)
The logistics of being swallowed by a sea monster:
ST: “Am I going to take damage if I move further along his digestive tract?”
EC: “If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?”
Identifying mysterious cults:
KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?”
EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”
DR: “Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery.”
A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing:
EC: “If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard.”
EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”
Things to worry about in combat:
KH: “You don’t have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey.”
The ends justify the means?:
Bubbles: “Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?”
DR: “You guys are fucked up.”
KH: “How do you stun-lock a Terrasque?!?”
JB: “Fourth Edition.”
ST: “Do we have to kill them before we eat? I hate murdering on an empty stomach.”
About a revenant and a possible lover:
EC: “Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality…”
DR: “What happens in Faerun, et cetera.”
Rolling high on a seduction check:
DR: “Frankly, I didn’t think you’d go down this road.”
KH: “Oh, I went down all right.”
More on the seduction roll:
Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”
About a nonviolent kua-toa:
Player: “He’s a paci-fish.”
About dealing with face-hugging enemies:
CD: “You swung at yourself and missed?”
AD: “I swung at myself and missed.”
ST (IC): “I’ll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills.”
CD (OOC): “Dying first is not a skill.”
About cultists:
DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”
About a minotaur who keeps missing:
DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”
About bottles of brandy:
EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”
Ideas so bad they’re good:
KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.”
F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”
About using a lot of magic:
JS: “We’re blowing a big load here right now.”
JS: “You wanna go up the shaft?”
ST and T: “That’s what he said.”
About flirting with an efreet:
JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”
Questioning the guardian imp:
Player (IC): “What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?”
WS (IC): “There’ll be six more weeks of winter.”
MR (IC): “Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?”
KH (IC): “You have no glory to restore.”
Other Players: “Oooooooh!”
SW: “Quick, someone cast heal!”
When talking with a spirit:
MR (IC): “You can’t just ask someone if they’re dead! That’s incredibly rude! The correct term is ‘mortally challenged’!”
After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks:
BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.”
KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.”
JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”
What to do with windmills:
KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.”
MR: “Cavalier idea.”
Quest priorities:
Player 1: “No one’s going to pay us to do it right now. It’s not worth the attention.”
JF: “Roll to see if you hit me by accident.”
KH: “Oh, I’d hit you on purpose.”
K’s paladin chastising A’s paladin about her sex habits:
A (IC): “I thought you were the paladin of joy!”
K (IC): “Not that kind of joy!”
About a previous edition of D&D:
KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?”
SW: “Win.”
KH: “Technically you’re underage.”
ST: “That’s never stopped me before.”
AD: “You or your character?”
ST: “Do I have to answer that?”
D: “We’re gonna make the Underdark great again!”
ST: “We’re gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we’re gonna make the gnomes pay for it.”
A: “We pay for everything already! Screw you!”
About a character who caught fire:
T: “He’s not rolling initiative; he’s rolling on the ground.”
T (IC): “Let’s go before the men’s egos get us killed.”
JB (IC): “My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity.”
Passing on some bad news:
JI (IC): “[Chief] not sick!”
AD (IC): “He was when we were done with him.”
To a healer:
KH (IC): “I don’t suppose you have a cure for the common cold?”
JI (IC): “I’m not a miracle worker.”
Reassuring a woman scorned:
AA (IC): “Go tell her - all men dogs.”
JI (OOC): “Says the cat.”
To the tune of “Like a G6”:
ST and KH: “Roll a d6, roll a d6!”
KH: “Of course it’s always about dirty sex - I’m a bard!”
AD: “The hell are you two talking about down there?!”
To a mindflayer, about a stupid character:
KH (IC): “I’d offer you his brain to eat, but I don’t think he has one.”
JS (IC as mindflayer): “I don’t eat junk food.”
MGW: “It’s Tza…Zsa…his name is Jasper.”
Saying goodbye to the barkeep:
MR (IC): “I’ll be back visiting the northern parts soon.”
KH (OOC): “And then you can visit her southern parts.”
About a questionable NPC:
ST (IC): “I would never dream of hurting you!”
KH (IC): “I would.”
About prison visitations:
JB (IC): “How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?”
Failing a romance/persuasion check:
AA: “Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!”
Preparing for a swamp adventure:
CD: “I want to buy some insect repellant.”
AD: “What, your personality doesn’t drive them away?”
About a magic boat:
JB (IC): “I saw it grow!”
ST (IC): “Are you sure you didn’t rub it? That sometimes happens with wood.”
JB (IC): “You would know.”
ST (IC): “You wouldn’t.”
JB (IC): “Tell that to my two children.”
About an injured drow:
MGW (IC): “Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can’t see it, ‘cause her skin is black, but still!”
Last-minute aliases:
RD (IC): “Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft.”
To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness:
MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”
Wisdom for stealing magic items:
KC: “Anything that glows goes.”
About fleeing:
RD: “I’m going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays.”
MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.”
JF: “D&D in a summary.”
Once more about fleeing:
RD: “A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch.”
J: “Why do you think that’s the first thing I did?”
Recapping the previous session:
A: “There was a shitshow, but we got away with it.”
S: “So the usual, then.”
About creature size:
MR: “Is an ettin large or huge?”
MGW: “I think he’s just large.”
A: “He’s probably large but pretends he’s huge.”
AS: “Typical guy.”
When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv:
RD: “Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot.”
A: “He told us to send a message.”
KH: “A sword in the stomach is a message.”
SW: “The Lannisters send their regards.”
The pervy paladin:
A: “I used Lay On Hands. I healed him.”
KH: “Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?”
MGW: “Wherever she wanted.”
About our tactics:
SW: “We put the 'fun’ in 'dysfunctional.’”
About possible activities:
MGW (IC): “I know you’re a tiefling, but we’re all the same color in the dark, right?”
Interesting weapon material:
MGW: “You all take a moment of reflective silence.”
JB: “Nah, I’m just cleaning my bone.”
KH: “Technically that’s a moment of reflective silence.”
KC: “Not if you’ve seen the barbarian do it.”
Scrying like bad cell reception:
KH: “Switch to AD&D.”
JB: “Can you scry me now?”
About the taste of human:
SW: “You would know.”
A: “Nah, I don’t swallow.”
MR: “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”
Wrestling prep:
MR (IC): “I want a good, clean fight.”
A (IC): “No we don’t.”
JB (IC): “What’s a clean fight?”
A (IC): “It means you have to take a bath first.”
JB (IC): “What’s a bath?”
MGW: “There’s a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point.”
JB: “Is it a-bridged?”
Beautiful references (read in Rorschach’s voice):
AA: “I’m not grappled with YOU,”
ST, AA, and KH: “YOU’RE grappled with ME!”
About remaining spells:
KH: “I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot.”
CD: “Those are 'keeping people alive’ slots.”
Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas:
ST: “Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!”
AD: “What makes you say that?”
ST: “Forewarned is four-armed.”
AD: -_-
Negotiation skills:
AD: “It’s just me trying to bullshit him.”
JI: “Why don’t you make a bullshit check?”
Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic:
CD: “We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?”
JB: “Anyone die while I was gone?”
SW: “Not on the outside.”
Wizarding limits:
JS: “You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes.”
Zombies aren’t too smart:
BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!”
Bobs: (run at gnoll party member)
KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?”
JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”
Far too relatable:
JS: “Twenty psychic damage.”
BC: “I’ve taken more psychic damage from my mother.”
Worst-laid plans:
KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.”
MR (IC): “You should.”
Our go-to combat tactic:
MR: “Are we going to stupid the guy to death?”
Zing!:
MGW (IC): “If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived.”
TP (IC): “I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived.”
Whole Table (OOC): “Ooooohhhhh!!!”
Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations:
KH: “I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,’ but I’m a cleric.”
Activating the mysterious device:
BC (IC): “We did it! I wonder what we did?”
Business as usual:
KH: “This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead.”
Old adages:
MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?”
KH: “Yes.”
KC: “She can ride me. I don’t care.”
KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
KC: “…I’M A BEAR IN ARMOR.”
Advantageous druidic inanity:
KC: “Are you still riding the flying bear?”
MR: “It’s flying now?”
KC: “Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door.”
AS: “…So he’s a flying bear with armor…”
Spell modifications for humourous purposes:
MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”
About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis:
RD (IC): “I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there’d be bleeding involved.”
MR (IC): “…That’s between me and my proctologist.”
SW (OOC): “Did you take fire damage for that? That’s like Taco Bell levels of burn.”
As is per usual:
MR: “We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit.”
Ok, I know the next post was supposed to be a “Best of D&D” thing, but I haven’t figured out a good voting system and going through and numbering them all would be a royal pain. So I’ll have to find a poll creator or something. Suggestions welcome.
TWWS MVP AWARD:
This entry’s MVP award goes to RD for an offhand D&D comment that made my jaw drop before I collapsed into hysterics. See if you can figure out which one. Congratulations, R!
Guess the Context
Time for a new game called Guess the Context! I can’t promise that there’ll be one for every entry, as there may not be something both inane enough and vague enough to qualify. The quote is displayed below and the answer is at the end of the post.
KH: “What am I ringing?”
M: “A moose.”
Overheard at Random
About the movie Edge of Tomorrow:
AS: "Groundhog Day with action."
At work, about new releases:
B: "There's a baby's book of Trump."
KH: "Yeah, it's all about temper tantrums."
KH was horrified to find out that B wasn't kidding.
"Overheard" During Quiplash
Where do babies come from?
- Hell
- China
What a dog sext message might say
- I'll let you chew my bone
- Hey baby, like it "Ruff"?
A Starbucks coffee that should never exist
- A fap-pichino
Come up with a name for a rock band made up entirely of baby ducks
- Fleetwood Quack
A little-known nickname for New Orleans
- Under Da Sea
- Katrina's Latrina
Overheard During D&D
About bards:
JB: "Dragonborns know the scales."
About the previous quote making the blog notebook:
JB: "Yes! A non-bone-related one!"
SW: "That comes later."
MR: "The humour was calcifying."
Entire Table: (grooooooooan)
About the drow (dark elves) vs. the dwarves:
SW: "Your glares of disapproval give me life."
Analysing your foe:
MR: "[I use] Know Your Enemy."
MGW: "Oh, he's way above you, homie."
To a sentient door:
MR (IC): "I like the cut of your jib."
SW (IC): "What is your name?"
MGW (IC): "Doris."
Confirming icy lake damage:
SW: "But not the 'oh God, it's cold' [damage]?"
After MR's character falls into icy water:
JB: "I would take piercing damage from your nipples."
SW: "There are now two permanent dents in your plate armour."
KH: "We are horrible people."
RD: "I realised that after reading your tumblr blog."
MGW: (whining/mocking) "I wanna get to the combat!"
TP: "I'm a dwarf; what do you expect?"
About RD's preferred strategy in relation to our foe:
AS: "You can't double-fireball all your problems."
RD: "I am not going to fireball a barn owl!"
That damned bone club again:
K: "He just got boned."
SW: "He's gonna have a throbbing headache in the morning."
About the map and movement:
MR: "We do not as individuals take up five-foot squares in real life."
SW: "Speak for yourself."
RD is the pyschologically strongest of us, for sure:
RD: "Your attempt at making my psyche need a safeword is completely unnecessary due to where I work."
Tactical thinking?:
RD: "You Polymorphed a CORPSE?!"
MR: "Yes!"
RD: "WHY?!?"
KC: "'Cause I can't carry it full size!"
About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis:
RD (IC): "I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there'd be bleeding involved."
MR (IC): "...That's between me and my proctologist."
SW (OOC): "Did you take fire damage for that? That's like Taco Bell levels of burn."
In response to an overheard comment about the party's (IMAGINARY) weed being gone:
KH: "What happened to our weed?"
KC: "It went up in smoke."
The devolution of a conversation about magical artifacts:
MR (IC): "So she has a giant rod and one giant stone..."
RD and KH: (collapse over the table laughing)
AS: "The magic is going to explode all over us!"
Ten minutes of penis puns and innuendo later...
AS: "It's over already?"
MR: "We need to stop jerking this joke off."
AS: "We took this joke down the wrong hole."
In relation to our long (hehe) penis joke:
SW: "Jesus Christ."
JB: "He can't save you now."
SW: "By all the gods."
JB: "Neither can they."
About new Urban Arcana:
SW: "Your scry-phone five?"
About a drow (dark elf) in a city full of high elves:
MR: "There's no force stronger in the world of D&D than elf-on-elf racism."
As is per usual:
SW: "Are we making smart choices?"
MP: "No, we are not."
About our golem-like enemies:
MR: "They are fake bird people made of snow. So they're a littleflaky."
The party is going through a series of challenges, and beforehand, they had to spin a wheel of misfortune...:
KH: "Oh, that's right - I forgot I'd been turned into a man."
SW (IC?): "[KH's character], I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but your man voice is giving me life."
Straight from the mouths of babes:
KH (IC): (gives instructions to adoptive daughter)
MGW (IC as adoptive daughter): "Ok, man-mom."
In an arena-shaped challenge room:
MR: "Is there a live studio audience? Or an undead studio audience?"
After SW's character is hit by an enlargement spell:
KH (IC): "If your sword stays that size for longer than four hours, you need to consult a healer."
SW (IC): "You should talk."
The bone club makes an enchanted appearance:
JB: "My bone's on fire?"
MP: "You need to see a doctor for that."
Answer to "Guess the Context"
Working in the cafe:
M: (to customer) "KH will ring you up."
KH: "What am I ringing?"
M: "A mousse."
Yes, I know, it’s been ages, hence the quote dump. Also, some new stuff/updates:
I was flipping through my old D&D stuff and it turns out one of my favourite quotes is incorrect (I’d suspected as much for some time). So that’s been fixed in this one.
The next update is going to be a “best of D&D.” I want to try and set up a voting system so people can vote for their favourites and then narrow them all down to The Ultimate Quote.
Certain quotes have links on them for reference. Hopefully they show up well enough.
Some lines in quotes are reactions/facial expressions. Fun with emoticons!
TWWS now has awards! See below:
TWWS MVP AWARD:
This entry’s MVP award goes to MR for his constant D&D witticisms! Congratulations, M!
Each entry will feature a new MVP. The choosing is based on quote quality and/or frequency. In M’s case, it’s both. People can be MVPs more than once, but not two entries in a row.
Anyway, on with the show!
Overheard at Random
Book recommendation:
KCB: "Mafia elves."
KH: "...SOLD!"
Deciding what to get for dinner:
SB: "Why would you want a whole pizza?"
KH: "Why wouldn’t I want a whole pizza?"
E: "I have to agree with her logic."
About a few rounds of Magic:
SB: "I won!"
E: "Revisionist history - you lost the first game."
KC and KH: "Alternative facts."
A Slack conversation about the time of day:
A: "You started drinking already?"
S: "Who says I stopped?"
About pork rolls:
SW: "That stuff that makes [state] bearable to live in."
Ordering lunch:
American AP: "If you double-down on pork, no one will judge you."
KH: "Says the Jewish man."
American AP: "Think of it as eating my portion."
Overheard at Work
KH: "Where is your Christmas cheer?"
S: "Right next to my menorah."
Cash Register Gift Bag Listing: "Xmas Menorah"
About covering injuries:
L: "Do you want a finger condom?"
KH: (doubles over laughing)
L: "This is a serious fucking question, KH, do you want one or not?"
Leaving work:
S: "I parked in Fucking Yonderville."
Coworker: "How's the real estate there? Is it a good school district?"
S: "No."
Unearthed Arcana: Overheard During 4e D&D
QUOTE CORRECTION:
Making sure it's really dead:
SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”
Player: "There's no 'I' in 'team' but there's a 'we' in 'weapon.'"
Location, location, location:
Player: "We're not in Shadowfell, we're in 'rainbow-and-happy-things-fell.' We're in Candyland."
Tavern woes:
(Player or DM?): "When I say 'microbrew' I mean I charge you double and give you less beer."
Pluralisation issues:
Probably KH: "Wouldn't it be orifi [instead of orifices]?"
Going overboard with the somatic component:
(Player or DM?): "The Arcane Macarena."
Almost certainly about a holy sword:
(Player or DM?): "She's swinging around a flashlight for Jesus."
No idea what it's from, but I think I'll use it as a slogan:
Player: "I am the terror that quacks in the night."
Fourth Ed Goodberry equivalent...I hope:
(Player or DM?): "You're up, you're alive, somebody shoved nuts in your mouth..."
Probably dealing with a were-rat:
Almost certainly RJ: "Regener-rat!"
So I had this drake mount named Pork Chop...:
Probably SB: "That's Pork Chop class damage."
Almost certainly RJ: "Pork 'im!"
Overheard During D&D
ST: "Is the door with the spiders behind it unlocked?"
KH: "Don’t."
After a familiar was poofed:
AD: "I miss [familiar]."
CD: "It's been two minutes."
AD: "Whatever. I can miss who I want."
Beautiful references (read in Rorschach's voice):
AA: "I'm not grappled with you,"
ST, AA, and KH: "You’re grappled with me!"
About remaining spells:
KH: "I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot."
CD: "Those are 'keeping people alive' slots."
We went a little overboard on this guy:
CD: "Are there any potions on Mr. Headless and Heartless?"
AD: "That sounds like an emo band."
To the resident carnivorous warrior:
ST: "I'm telling you, that heart is full of black evil. Don't eat it."
About being stranded:
CD: "She left us on an island like Johnny Depp in the first Pirates movie."
ST: "And we didn't have turtles or rum."
High-rollers:
CD: "Twenty-four. Critty-four."
Trying to get up a ladderless shaft (can you dig it?):
JB: "We could throw her up."
ST: "We'd have to swallow her first."
Desperate tactics:
KH: "Can a t-rex punch through a wall?"
About a couatl:
AD: "I will draw it like one of my French girls."
About a guard boss encounter:
CD: "So undead Mr. Cyclops was sitting here twiddling his undead thumbs?"
About doors marked with runes:
AD: "'Cause if they say 'do not open'..."
KH: "Then we're totally gonna open them."
AD: "Well, you guys are going to open them..."
NPC interrogation:
CD (IC): "So you are a powerful druid."
JI (IC): "I am a moderately powerful druid."
About the location of a magic tattoo:
AD: "Are you like a Care Bear but out of your butt?"
About canopic jars in the cyclops mummy's sanctum:
ST: "Here's another jar of mummified nope."
About a loudly roaring creature:
JI: "And he asks you to roll initiative as politely as he can."
About our situation:
MR: "We made a very poor combat choice."
RD: "What do you mean 'we'?"
MR: "I made a bad combat choice."
KC: "What is this 'we,' Pocahontas?"
The pervy paladin strikes again:
SW (IC): "What took you so long?"
A (IC): "I had something to take care of." (winks)
SW (IC): "You know what? I'm sorry I asked."
Better without context:
MGW: "When you're that big, you can explode as much as you want."
Adventures with the Polymorph spell:
AS: "What's the AC [armor class] of a puppy?"
Horrific and chaotic evil regarding aforementioned puppy (which, to be fair, was originally a fire giant):
AS (IC): "Don't worry, we can find a bag of holding and a river."
MR (IC): "...There is a line, [character]." (gestures one way) "There is the line," (gestures way past it) "there is you."
Be careful who's listening:
KH: "She's the pervy character; she scares everybody." (notices preteen with shocked expression) "You didn't hear any of that."
About the pervy paladin having a "moral" conversation:
KH: "She's 'good cop'ping him instead of copping a feel?"
SW: "She's good copping him instead of getting a good cop. There you go."
Continued fun with Polymorph:
MR: "It's like discus, but with a puppy. Please don't put that on That's What We Said."
KH: "Too late."
Storm King's Thunder: A Summary:
MR: "This is Game of Thrones on a giant scale."
Entire Table: (grooooooan)
Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas:
ST: "Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!"
AD: "What makes you say that?"
ST: "Forewarned is four-armed."
AD: -_-
Negotiation skills:
AD: "It's just me trying to bullshit him."
JI: "Why don't you make a bullshit check?"
Difficult terrain:
JI: "You get disadvantage from monkeys throwing poo at you."
Improvised weaponry:
AD: "Ten whacking damage."
Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic:
CD: "We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?"
When ideas are crazier than normal (which is already pretty crazy):
AD: "What is wrong with you? I'm not even sure I mean [your character]."
SW: "Ok, I have a list of 'don't ask any questions.'"
Planning for the next campaign:
MR: "Should I play a guy who puts the 'romance' back in 'necromancy'..."
About handing over a weapon:
JB (IC): "I don't give my bone to anyone."
JB: "Anyone die while I was gone?"
SW: "Not on the outside."
Tactical thinking:
MR: "We may need to light his mansion on fire to cover our tracks."
Wizarding limits:
JS: "You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes."
KH: "And the moral of the story is don't screw with powers you don't understand."
BC: "Shh. Don't ever tell that to a wizard."
J: "Crown of Madness will help, right?"
BC: "I don't think that's needed with this group."
JS: "You find several humanoids with missing brains."
JS2: (nervous noise)
BC: "Don't worry; they're not a threat to you."
Cannon fodder:
KH: "You outfitted your zombies with red shirts, right?"
BC: "They were born with red shirts."
BC: "Everything is a toy if you try hard enough."
KH: "...I heard that wrong."
BC: "No, you got it."
About the distance of a planar pilgrimage:
CD: "That would be like walking to Europe."
J: "If Europe was also on Mars."
Subtle Star Wars mid-inanity:
KH: "I don't wanna fly; I wanna stealth."
J: "Stealth fly."
JS: "You can't stealth fly!"
KH: "How do you stealth fly?"
JI: "Fly casual."
Zombies aren't too smart:
BC (IC): "Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!"
Bobs: (run at gnoll party member)
KH (OOC): "Et tu, Bob?"
JS (OOC): "If this doesn't belong in your blog, I dunno what does."
Far too relatable:
JS: "Twenty psychic damage."
BC: "I've taken more psychic damage from my mother."
Asking planar creatures for advice:
BC (IC): "Is the [creature] going to kill all of us if we investigate it?"
JI (OOC): "He's the GM - of course it's going to say yes."
When the tiefling (part-demon) hears Celestial:
KH (IC): "Does anyone speak the twinkly bell language?"
Worst-laid plans:
KH (IC): "I have a very bad feeling about this."
MR (IC): "You should."
Acronym fun with a magic item:
JB: "AT&T: Advanced Telecommunications and Teleporting."
Obligatory quote/joke/meme for the elf ranger:
KH: "Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?"
JB: "I see people shipping me with Gimli."
Questionable on-deck combat tactics:
MR: "Are you gonna keel-haul him manually?"
The proper response to the enemy when landing in said enemy's ambush:
MR (IC): "You'll die for our insolence!"
Alignment debate:
MR: "He wasn't evil; he was just a dick."
Verbally dueling with a sea god:
MR: "I basically just told Cthulu to shut up and go home."
When one fails to specify:
AS: "She's got a really low [armor class] 'cause she's fat and slow."
A: o.O?
AS: "No, not you."
Our go-to combat tactic:
MR: "Are we going to stupid the guy to death?"
Zing!:
MGW (IC): "If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived."
L (IC): "I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived."
Whole Table (OOC): "Ooooohhhhh!!!"
Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations:
KH: "I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,' but I'm a cleric."
In a room of tempting levers and switches and shit:
JI (IC): "Don't touch nothing."
BC (IC): "Don't get between me and my touching."
Activating the mysterious device:
BC (IC): "We did it! I wonder what we did?"
Alternative to "cheese" during a picture take:
JS: "Everyone say 'Jesus Christ, thank God I'm alive!'"
We all said it with big picture smiles.
Ultimate cringe:
KH: "My mom doesn't have a nerd bone in her body."
MR: "She met your dad..."
Business as usual:
KH: "This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead."
Bone club + bags of loot = asking for trouble:
JB: "I hang the sacks off my bone."
The loot bags again:
JB: "I thought I saw it fly out of my sack."
MR: "You should have a healer look at that."
Overheard During A Crazy-Ass Night of D&D
Obligatory bone club jokes start now:
SW (IC): "Cover your eyes! He's whipping out his sword!"
JB (IC): "It's nothing compared to my bone!"
Again with the damn club:
RD: "Do you want to bone it, my friend?"
JB: "I want to bone it."
JB: "The bone jokes aren't as humerus anymore."
KH: (cringes, reaches for notebook)
Old adages:
MR: "No plan survives contact with the enemy." (IC) "But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!" (OOC) "Was that quote-worthy?"
KH: "Yes."
About DR's long-ago description of the Spirit Guardians spell:
MR: "Don't use your holy fuck-off field just yet."
KH: "...Did you steal that from the blog?"
Ready check:
MR: "Ready? ...Ready?"
KH: (Mel Brooks movie quote voice) "WAIT FOR IT!"
KC: "She can ride me. I don't care."
KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
KC: "...I'M A BEAR IN ARMOR."
SW: "Aim for the throat!"
JB: "Don't tempt me."
The previous quote foretold this:
JB: "He's gonna feel my bone down his throat."
About height differences:
KH: "Are you gonna bone him in the groin?"
About collecting giant heads for bounties:
SW: "They pay the bills."
AS: "Kills to pay the bills."
Misusing a letter-changing magic item:
SW: "Can you use the Book of Wit to make him cast Mild Magic?"
Advantageous druidic inanity:
KC: "Are you still riding the flying bear?"
MR: "It's flying now?"
KC: "Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door."
AS: "...So he's a flying bear with armor..."
About aforementioned druid:
AS: "Here, I'll ride you now."
That damned club yet again:
AS: "He can smash the Vonindod!"
SW: "More like the Bone-indod."
I give up:
JB: "...And I wanna bone the hell out of it."
About a high strength score:
KC: "Is your athletics 'yes'?"
JB: "My athletics is 'yes'!"
Spell modifications for humourous purposes:
MR: "Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they're literally dodging the question."
Tactics 101: Use Your Surroundings:
SW: "Why properly kill giants when we can have their own castle do it?"
Magical battle broadcast:
SW: "Should we set up the planar TVs, guys?"
About the god of storms approving the storm cleric's actions:
JB: "He's like, 'yes, I approve. Thunderous applause!'"
About the war cleric and flying bear:
JB: "If they're riding each other in the air, are they part of the mile high club?"
As is per usual:
MR: "We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit."
The only proper reaction when large objects swing: in this case, a gargantuan golem head:
KH: "I came in like a Voooooonindooooooood!"
About 5e drow society:
MR: "It's now more of an egalitarian dickbaggery."
When web-casting spiders give gifts:
KC: "See? I even gift-wrapped him for you."
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All it took was one game of Quiplash to double the amount of usable material.
NOTE: Turns out AA’s actual initials are AS. That said, there’s an AS in my other D&D group, so I’m going to keep AA for him, with the second “A” standing for “Awesome.”
About crazy picture poses:
ST: "I love how you were horrified at first but then amused."
DI: "You have that effect on a lot of people."
ST: "Mostly women."
About good weather:
JB: "Today was a great day for a funeral. I know - I was at one."
"Overheard" Playing SWTOR (Star Wars: The Old Republic)
About an escalating argument:
Player 1: "Who wants popcorn?"
Player 2: "I dunno about popcorn, but [player] could use a Xanax."
Tattooine? Jakku? Jedha? Korriban? Hutta?:
Player: "I live in a desert region with striking similarities to Satan's parched sphincter."
Note: It’s sad that I know the names of so many Star Wars planets...
Player: "What's the point of mastering the Force if you can't misuse it?"
Alderaan Achievement Title: "A Few Voices Suddenly Cried Out In Terror"
Player Name: "Master Baitor"
"Overheard" During Quiplash
An alternate use for a banana
- Fill the void in your...heart?
The biggest secret the government keeps
- Area 55: Electric Boogalo
- They know what their job is
A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper
- 4th ed character sheets
Write a newspaper headline that will really catch people's attention
- Hey fuckers look at this shit
- Trump did a thing. Again. We are fucked.
The worst name for a mountain
- Mount My Ass
- Mount Vulva
A bad name for a brand of bottled water
- Your Rhine
The name of a pizza place you should never order from
- Little Paws Animal Clinic
Come up with the name for a new TV show with the word "Spanky" in it
- Wanky Spanky Sperm Banky
A name for a new cereal that's for adults only
- Lucky Dildos and Toys
- Fifty Shades of Grain (shamelessly stolen from tumblr)
A terrible name to have if you're running for public office
- Hillary Clinton
- Bill Clinton
What do you call a baby sasquatch?
- Sasqueef
About the nature of Quiplash and times played:
Bubbles: "I'm worried that I'm accustomed to seeing the word 'ERECTION' in that font."
KH: "Bubbles, I've been pissing off some Americans with my Irish sense of humour."
Bubbles: "Good girl."
Come up with the name for a beer made especially for monkeys
- Indian Pale Ape
- Blue Moonkey
A prank the Supreme Court justices probably play on each other
- Voting "Yes" to gay marriage
I should probably mention that answer was posted by the resident lesbian
A lesson that probably wouldn't be taught on Sesame Street
- T is for Tax Evasion and Treason
- Anal Probing
Bubbles: "They are PUPPETS! THAT'S BASICALLY ANAL PROBING ANYWAYS!"
Come up with a title for an adult version of any classic video game
- Womb Raider: Temple of Planned Parenthood
New requirement at amusement parks: "You must be this ________ to ride"
- Politically correct
Three things MacGyver needs to make a bomb
- Phone, insult, Trump's number
Another name for a sex-change operation
- Political correctness
The reason Pluto isn't a planet anymore
- Got lost in Uranus
A better name for France
- Land of the Flee
What makes hot dogs taste so good?
- The souls of children
- The blood of your enemies
A great name for extra-extra-large condoms
- Fist Fitters
Also the lesbian's answer, and it got Quiplash (100% of votes)
Overheard During D&D
Underdark woes:
KH: "One does not simply walk into Menzobarranzan."
About a rogue's questionable choices:
ST: "What's the gestation period for a demon lord?"
ST: "Excuse me, could you possibly make a little more noise? I don't think they heard you in THAY."
For reference:
Vrock that won't die = Dwayne "The Vrock" Johnson
About the carnivore character's choice of meal:
AD (IC): "The bloated and bloody doesn't [put] you off?"
AA (IC): "Just seasoning."
CD (OOC): "Oh, is it a freshwater river or a saltwater river?"
AD (OOC): "Oh, yeah, she's just brined."
Questionable naming decisions:
CD (IC): "Brown Wind!"
ST (OOC): "...It's a grey horse!"
We've seen some shit, man:
KH: "Nothing surprises me anymore."
CD: "You were being undressed by a tree two hours ago, y'know."
Resurrection spellcasting conditions:
KH: "'Dead for no more than a century,' so we have a hundred years to bring him back."
About a WTF relationship:
KH: "It's a match made in...Pathfinder."
About the vrock fight:
ST: "She was between a vrock and a hard place."
About a picture of the aforementioned undressing tree:
ST: "That's the rape log."
JI: "It was not a rape log!"
KH: "It was a rape log."
The coward vs. the stairs:
CD: "I found them!"
AD: "Yes, so go up them."
CD: "...All of them?"
AD: "...Maybe just start with two or three."
When a bibliophile finds a library:
ST: "You want someone to look at you the way she looks at those books."
About dangerous creatures:
ST: "It's gotta die. Nothing's allowed to be immune to psychic [damage]."
Fun with the soundboard cues:
AD: "When I heard the boss fight music start I would've cast Armor of Agathys."
About a daemon (as opposed to demon):
ST: "So she's a cut-rate, 'couldn't make it in succubus school' sort of demon."
Confusing quests:
MR: "We found what you've sought! What have you sought?"
Fantastic Beasts and their Questionable Attributes:
AD: "We can arcana check on his ass."
Snacks:
ST: "Orcish Delight."
JI: "They're going to an island called the hurricane queen. Also known as my wife."
Naming a sea turtle:
AA: "This one I call...Brunch."
AA (IC): "I do not threaten."
KH (IC): "[No,] you promise."
AA (IC): "Yes."
Sea fighting:
AD: "You've been fish-slapped."
Horrors untold:
KH: "I do not have enough swear words for this situation!"
Reactions to horrors untold:
AA (IC): "These scars...they show your character. You have a lot of fucking character."
Puns in relation to horrors untold:
JI: "Resigned to your face - fate..."
Interesting weapon material:
MGW: "You all take a moment of reflective silence."
JB: "Nah, I'm just cleaning my bone."
KH: "Technically that's a moment of reflective silence."
KC: "Not if you've seen the barbarian do it."
Scrying like bad cell reception:
KH: "Switch to AD&D."
JB: "Can you scry me now?"
At every opportunity:
JB: "The bone is first in the hole."
About the taste of human:
SW: "You would know."
A: "Nah, I don't swallow."
MR: "This conversation is making me uncomfortable."
About the previous quote:
K: "I don't get it."
Everyone Else: "GOOD."
Future choices:
MGW: "Why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?"
MR: "We don't need to cross it! We have an airship!"
Wrestling prep:
MR (IC): "I want a good, clean fight."
A (IC): "No we don't."
JB (IC): "What's a clean fight?"
A (IC): "It means you have to take a bath first."
JB (IC): "What's a bath?"
Breaking an effect:
JB: "You get to roll a save for that."
MR: "Yep." (rolls) "Nope."
Last-ditch tactics:
SW: "I open my portal to the bullshit dimension. It's very crowded."
About encountering a siren:
AA: "Sorry, thought you were in trouble. Didn't realise you were mating."
ST: "It was kind of fifty-fifty."
Most likely about a euphemism:
VI: "Have you been waiting to use that joke?"
ST: "All fricken' night."
About a SUCCESSFUL "encounter" with the siren/getting the siren to go with us:
JI: "She'll come."
KH: "She already did, but ok."
About rolling the ones out of d20s:
KH: "Allow us our superstitions, woman."
About a cranky character:
A: "Moody little drow, aren'tcha?"
JB: "You mean typical."
About new companions:
KC: "Will you stop counting our cannon fodder before we meet them?"
Describing a bad situation:
RD: "It means we're fucked, my good man."
About yak-folk:
KH: "That looks like the guy from Zootopia."
MGW: "There's a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point."
JB: "Is it a-bridged?"
The pervy paladin strikes again:
MGW: "You're gonna find something you love, A."
AL "Another naked man?"
So every week I think, “after this D&D session I’ll post everything,” and then I don’t, and now I have a shit ton of quotes all saved up for you. Once again, the majority of this is D&D shenanigans - i.e., insane hilarity to end the year on a medium note (at this point, there’s no possible way a high note in 2016 can be reached...unless Trump dies).
IC = In Character
OOC = Out Of Character
Overheard at Random
About a sad fandom fact:
CF: "I wanna be shot."
KA: "Because of that or cramps? That's the only other logical reason I can think of for wanting to be shot."
CF: "Nah, cramps were last week."
ST: "Bacon is really a holy sacrament between man and pig."
AP: "I don't take anything as gospel - even the Gospel."
At Ellen's Stardust Diner:
Waiter: "All shows eventually end, except for Phantom of the Opera."
About android and Apple pay, I believe:
Coworker: "So a solution to a problem that doesn't exist."
About Klingon BDSM:
A: "You know, you're stereotyping Klingons. Just saying."
Overheard During D&D
K1's paladin chastising A's paladin about her sex habits:
A (IC): "I thought you were the paladin of joy!"
K1 (IC): "Not that kind of joy!"
V: "He's nervous talking to other people because he's always talking to his sword."
BC: "That sounds dirty."
About a previous edition of D&D:
KH: "[What] the hell couldn't you do in 3.5?"
SW: "Win."
Not the best way to describe hill giants:
MR (IC): "Then it's settled: we're going to scour the countryside for giant women."
MGW (IC): "I am done-ion rings!"
KH: "Technically you're underage."
ST: "That's never stopped me before."
AD: "You or your character?"
ST: "Do I have to answer that?"
About a decent roll on a performance check:
ST: "The bucket you carry your tune in is not leaking."
D: "We're gonna make the Underdark great again!"
ST: "We're gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we're gonna make the gnomes pay for it."
A: "We pay for everything already! Screw you!"
A (IC): "I think I know what this is, and it's not knowable."
T (IC): "Why are we following the spider?"
N (OOC): "Because we don't have a white rabbit."
About a character who caught fire:
T: "He's not rolling initiative; he's rolling on the ground."
About his character's lack of intelligence:
D: "Basically Forrest Gump with armor on."
A Mass Effect reference mid-combat:
KH: "Who needs reach when you have flexibility?"
Demonic banter:
JS (IC as shadow demon): "I don't take orders from you, tiefling."
KH (IC as part-demon): "You may not, but your mother sure does."
T (IC): "Let's go before the men's egos get us killed."
JB (IC): "My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity."
Passing on some bad news:
JI (IC): "[Chief] not sick!"
AD (IC): "He was when we were done with him."
To a healer:
KH (IC): "I don't suppose you have a cure for the common cold?"
JI (IC): "I'm not a miracle worker."
Reassuring a woman scorned:
AA (IC): "Go tell her - all men dogs."
JI (OOC): "Says the cat."
About a charmed creature:
JI: "[Her eyes] are glazed like a donut."
About a party consisting of a tiefling, two humans, an elf, a dragonborn, a half-orc, a drow, and a gnome:
MR (IC): "We're a group of multi-ethnic badasses."
To the pervy character:
KH: "You have to ask the age of consent for a cloud giant."
Fight tactics:
SW: "If you can dodge a stone giant, you can dodge a ball."
While petting a pet griffin/griffon/gryphon:
MGW (IC): "She's scratching my ego just right."
About pets' real names:
SW: "Snowball is my slave name."
After a betrayal:
A: "I'm gonna do the Hunter's Mark thing on my ex-boyfriend..."
More fight tactics:
MR: "Next time, summon an all-seeing eye dog."
Once again to the pervy character:
SW (IC): "How did your date go?"
A (IC): "The one in the morning, the one in the afternoon, or the one in the evening?"
Extreme fight tactics:
KH (IC): "I apologize for the Guiding Bolt through that one's forehead."
MGW (IC): "Collateral damage, I'm sure."
Describing absent party members:
RD (IC): "...and the drow with a river between her legs."
KH (the drow, OOC): "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!?"
About character flirtation:
MGW: "You do know we're playing D&D, right?"
SW: "What? I always thought this was a tabletop-based dating simulator."
We like big bows and we cannot lie:
KH: "Baby got dex."
To the tune of "Like a G6":
ST and KH: "Roll a d6, roll a d6!"
KH: "Of course it's always about dirty sex - I'm a bard!"
AD: "The hell are you two talking about down there?!"
About groveling:
JS: "Do a charisma roll, you jerk-off."
To a mindflayer, about a stupid character:
KH (IC): "I'd offer you his brain to eat, but I don't think he has one."
JS (IC as mindflayer): "I don't eat junk food."
About a gelatinous cube:
JS: "Spongebob Deathpants."
While fighting the stag lord:
AD: "Free unicorn action: I whinny at him angrily. In Sylvan."
The stag lord vs our mystic:
JI: "He can't throw gnome as a legendary action..."
About payment:
AA (IC): "This more than two goat job..."
MGW: "It's Tza...Zsa...his name is Jasper."
Preparing for colder climates:
SW: "You're a lawful good paladin - the warmth of your god [will do it]."
While showing off biceps:
MR: "I'm always very well-armed."
Entire Table: *groooooooooaaaaaannnnnn*
Saying goodbye to the barkeep:
MR (IC): "I'll be back visiting the northern parts soon."
KH (OOC): "And then you can visit her southern parts."
About a questionable NPC:
ST (IC): "I would never dream of hurting you!"
KH (IC): "I would."
About prison visitations:
JB (IC): "How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?"
About two characters sharing a night watch while others look on:
JB (IC): "Should we shapeshift into little frogs and start singing about how she should kiss the girl?"
About a fight:
AA (IC): "They're going at each other! In a bad way!"
Failing a romance/persuasion check:
AA: "Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!"
Preparing for a swamp adventure:
CD: "I want to buy some insect repellant."
AD: "What, your personality doesn't drive them away?"
Dealing with little mushroom people:
AA: "Knock it off, you refugees of a salad."
About a magic boat:
JB (IC): "I saw it grow!"
ST (IC): "Are you sure you didn't rub it? That sometimes happens with wood."
JB (IC): "You would know."
ST (IC): "You wouldn't."
JB (IC): "Tell that to my two children."
About little mushroom creatures:
AD: "They'd be cute if they weren't assholes."
About dealing with insects:
ST: "I have a +3 citronella candle."
About the Sending spell:
AS: "How many words is an emoji?"
KH: "Can you sext with the Sending spell?"
AS: "You can do anything with twenty-five words or less."
About an injured drow:
MGW (IC): "Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can't see it 'cause her skin is black, but still!"
Last-minute aliases:
RD (IC): "Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft."
Better without context:
A: "I'm hitting on Santa Claus."
Sir Bearington makes an appearance:
MGW (IC): "Wow, this fur is very soft, do you use conditioner?"
To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness:
MGW (IC): "...but for me to assume you're in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!"
Picking a fake accent for an undercover drow:
MR: "In Soviet Underdark..."
When putting heavy things into a closet:
MGW: "He's really clumsy with it, but he gets it in."
KH: "That's what she said."
About the Spirit Guardians spell:
A: "Do [the guards] know what's going on?"
KH: "A bunch of fiends just started circling me, so I'd like to think they know what's going on."
Wisdom for stealing magic items:
KC: "Anything that glows goes."
Um...?:
A: "I drop my shield when I want it with two hands."
Killing two monsters with one stone:
AD: "Can we lure them together like old-school Power Rangers so they can fight each other?"
Locational inconveniences:
CD: "Well then I would like its giant ass and tail to make an intelligence save."
About spell effects:
KH: "Can a hole make a con save?"
Language issues:
AA: "Parlez-vous Moangi?"
Casting confusion:
KH: "You're not gonna heal me?"
ST: "That's what [JB's character]'s for."
KH: "She has no healing spells!"
ST: *quizzical look at JB*
JB: "I'm a wizard, Harry!"
Business as usual:
KH: "I give him a very suspicious look."
AD: "And in other news, it's Sunday."
About a sword (we hope):
MGW: "You should start swingin' that sucker."
About loot:
KH: "I'm sorry, I'm lawful evil - I ain't sharing shit."
About fleeing:
RD: "I'm going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays."
Once again commenting on our pervy paladin:
KH: "She would talk about his giant thing."
SW: "You mean his great club?"
MGW: "You were doing so well until everybody died."
JF: "D&D in a summary."
Healing? Speaking? Riding?:
JI: "Do you have proficiency in horse?"
About siblings enchanted to hate each other (not that that needs an enchantment):
JB (IC): "And it took you this long to try and kill each other?"
Luck with a low armor class:
JB: "Oh my God, something actually missed me!"
When a questionably-aligned character interrogates a dementia patient:
JI (IC): "Who are you, little fellow?"
CD (IC): "Your imagination."
JI (IC): "Not again."
K1: "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few legs."
About our fighter:
MR: "He's an idiot savant of tactics."
Once more about fleeing:
RD: "A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch."
J: "Why do you think that's the first thing I did?"
So glad I forgot the context:
A (IC): "Do you want to see what I got?"
S (IC): "NO!"
About the proximity of snacks to enemies on the battle map:
B: "He's hiding in the popcorn fields."
Not what she meant...I hope:
K2: "I'm coming."
RD: "That's way too much information for me, thank you."
Recapping the previous session:
A: "There was a shitshow, but we got away with it."
S: "So the usual, then."
About our druid spy purposefully falling from a great height to break out of Polymorph:
SW: "The master of subterfuge."
MR: "And now of centrifuge."
Recruiting tactics:
SW: "Any goblin willing to die for a cause is a goblin willing to die for our cause."
Deception in the form of cargo transport:
A (IC): "Tell him what we've got."
B (OOC): "What have we got?"
After a character got thoroughly smushed:
MR: "He's not dead yet - he hasn't made his saving throws."
Trying to persuade pigs:
KC (IC): "We'll get you better food."
KH (OOC): "Say the people eating junk food."
SW (OOC): "Speak for yourself; I have a Kashi bar."
SW: "Guys, in all seriousness, Krush is in a bind."
Tentacle creature vs. the holy/holey distinction:
SW: "I'm a holy man!"
MR: "That's the problem!"
About a surprise encounter:
KC (IC): "You didn't mention that was in here."
MGW (IC): "You didn't ask."
Arguing over weaponry:
A: "I want the hammer."
KH: "I want the hammer, too."
A: "I thought you didn't go that way."
Entire Table: "Ohhhhhh!"
SW: "Do you need Ray of Frost?"
AS: "I have Healing Word for that burn."
About creature size:
MR: "Is an ettin large or huge?"
MGW: "I think he's just large."
A: "He's probably large but pretends he's huge."
AS: "Typical guy."
Overheard During the Wildest Night of D&D Ever
Slogan/Theme of the Night: "I can't believe that worked!"
About a desperately-needed disguise:
MR (IC): "Do you have a deep-hooded cloak?"
RD (IC): "What do you think I've been wearing?"
MR (IC): "Deeper."
About a wanted character:
MR (IC): "Let's face it, we've all had our issues with murder in the past."
When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv:
RD: "Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot."
About a boastful man's man:
RD: "Time out - are you trying to out-Hack Hack?"
MGW: "I dunno if there are phonographs in the Dungeons and Dragons world, but there are now!"
MR: "Eh, if you're rich enough."
About two dumbasses:
MR: "[For my character] the wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead, and [for him] it's the cymbal monkey lost the key."
MGW: "Truly, a meeting of minds."
About my character's orientation:
KH: "I don't like swords. I prefer sheaths."
A: "He told us to send a message."
KH: "A sword in the stomach is a message."
SW: "The Lannisters send their regards."
About a pub called The Wink and Kiss:
A: "What's it look like inside?"
MGW: "Well, the lights are low - "
KH: "It's a swingers club."
About The Wink and Kiss:
MGW: "It's almost like a Medieval Hooters."
When everything went crazy:
MR (IC): "Did we walk into the right bar or the wrong bar?"
AS (IC): "Yes."
The pervy paladin:
A: "I used Lay On Hands. I healed him."
KH: "Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?"
MGW: "Wherever she wanted."
About our gnome druid hanging out with the animals in the forest:
MGW: "He's Snow Whiting out there. Dirty little Snow White. Snow Brown."
No good can come of this:
KH (IC): "Trust me. I'm a drow."
After a prisoner drinks from the jug (aka KH's Finest Moment):
MGW (IC): "Ugh, that's disgusting."
KH (IC): "That's because it's arsenic. Tell us where the sword is if you want to live."
About our tactics:
SW: "We put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional.'"
About possible activities:
MGW (IC): "I know you're a tiefling, but we're all the same color in the dark, right?"
About fashion/disguise:
SW: "The drow eye for the tiefling guy."
After a spectacular prison break (aka RD's Finest Moment):
SW: "That was, I think, the quietest prison break ever performed by a wild mage."
A loooooong overdue post of many shenanigans, most of them D&D-related.
Overheard at Random
In response to a reddit story:
KH: "I bet Jesus was entertained."
About only being able to find pasties in the UK:
SH: "You poor, deprived foreigner."
About a lovely lady:
Bubbles: "She's taken."
KH: "How did you know I was thinking that?"
After catching a Krabby:
Bubbles: "Ah, Pokemon Go - making women happy about catching crabs."
About improving battery life:
KH: "Solar-powered phones."
Bubbles: "Not in Ireland."
About a TWWS entry, I swear:
KH: "There's no way to say this without it sounding dirty: it's longer than the last one."
KH: "I just ate, but that muffin is calling me."
AP: (starts laughing before the sentence ends)
English:
AP: "Such a wonderful language. Every noun is a double entendre."
Playing Fallen London:
AP: "No, I don't want to sell my soul to a demon. Quit asking."
When a couple plays Exploding Kittens:
CB: "Why wouldn't you let me screw her back?"
Bubbles: "I assume you already do that, anyway; you're going out."
Playing Bubbles' new game:
KH: "Does the princess count as an item?"
Bubbles: "No, that's sexist."
CB: "But aren't you trying to be an item with the princess?"
About catching all the Pokemon:
ST: "They love their balls, I swear."
A Wordspud chain:
"Custard covered ladies of the night fuck me tender"
A Werewolf mayoral election:
EC: "I did not have sexual relations with that werewolf."
A dastardly play in Fluxx:
KH: "I'm an American. My dreams are already stolen."
"Overheard" in FB Messages
About bitchy reviewers:
AP: "They must be so disappointed that the completely free fanfiction that someone writes out of love isn't going the way they wanted it to."
Overheard at the Doctor Who Experience
Gallifreyan Museum Curator: "Are you ready for an adventure?"
Group: *crickets*
GMC: "Your enthusiasm is astounding."
GMC: "Are you ready for the next part?"
Group: "YES!"
GMC: "Are you brave enough for the next part?"
Handful: "YES!"
Overwhelming Majority: "NO!"
GMC: "Ok, bit of a mixed response there..."
"Overheard" During Love 2 Hate
I love the way politicians cry.
I hate the way the people playing this game make me need therapy.
"Overheard" During Quiplash
A Historical event that would make a bad theme for a restaurant: The potato famine
Another name for toe jam: Pied puree
What's the first thing you would do if you could time travel?
Steal baby Trump, give to Mexican family
A good post-music career for Justin Bieber: Corpse or Stripper
New show idea: America's Next Top Racist
Bubbles: "I would've put shooting."
EC: "I would've put shooter."
Overheard During D&D
VI: "Son of a biscuit-eating bulldog!"
Questioning the guardian imp:
Player (In Character): "What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?"
WS (In Chracter): "There'll be six more weeks of winter."
Player: "She's a flesh golem. She has a strength of yes."
Strahd after we Wished away his magic:
WS (In Character): "You are all a bunch of doo-doo heads!"
WS: "[The vampire] falls to the ground in a heap of vampirish nonsense."
Player 1 (In Character): "Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?"
KH (In Character): "You have no glory to restore."
Other Players: "Oooooooh!"
Player 2: "Quick, someone cast heal!"
M (In Character): "Do you really believe in [ghosts]?"
KH (In Character): "I grew up in the Underdark. I believe in most everything."
When the guy with the -1 Intelligence modifier rolls a 20:
M: "This idiot savant over here decodes this thing like the Matrix."
When talking with a spirit:
Player 1 (In Character): "You can't just ask someone if they're dead! That's incredibly rude! The correct term is 'mortally challenged'!"
After the teenager's bedtime:
KH: "Ok, now that the small child's gone - your character's a cunt."
After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks:
BC: "I always thought she was stone-hearted."
KT: "I dunno, I thought she rocked."
JS: "I am going to kill all of you."
Intimidation tactics:
BC: "She stomped my watch as a bonus action, that bitch."
About doing something stupid:
ST: "Don't beat yourself up. The spikes [in the pit] did that for you."
JF: "Can you declare nonlethal [damage] if you throw them off a sixty-foot ledge?"
Interrogations with a pervy character:
JF: "Bad cop, bad touch."
About the same pervy character:
JF: "You're making a drow cringe. There's something wrong with that."
What to do with windmills:
KH: "If we had a lance, we could go tilting."
Player 1: "Cavalier idea."
Quest priorities:
Player 1: "No one's going to pay us to do it right now. It's not worth the attention."
JF: "Roll to see if you hit me by accident."
KH: "Oh, I'd hit you on purpose."
Proof that the dice are sentient:
KH: "This die has failed me so much." (rolls die) (natural 20)
About an "inspiring" fighter:
Player 2: "Give it a speech; you'll put it to sleep."
After getting off-topic:
JF: "So back in the fictional world..."
This is one big, long, hard sex joke. I’m not even sorry.
Overheard at Random
KH: "How is it you saw his penis before his face?"
Over Google Hangout:
H: "Why are you eating a bell pepper?"
E: "Because I fucking can."
About job requirements:
E: "It's like 'we need a pure virgin with five years of sexual experience.'"
About candy that looks like a dildo:
Bubbles: "That thing is a key to the closet you're obviously stepping out of."
About The Sims:
AP: "Congratulations [on] murdering Sigmund Freud."
AP: "You're an American! Baseball's your fault!"
About discussing penis length:
AP: "I'm sorry, I think one of us has more right."
Still arguing about penis length:
AP: "Are you trying to say that a man, in full view of an attractive woman, will sincerely try and say that his penis is smaller than it is?!"
KH: "We need to kill the Large Angry Chicken before it takes out the rest of the towers. I'm writing that down just for the inanity."
Better Off Anonymous
Sex discussion:
Guy: "You don't remember what they're like erect; does this mean the guy couldn't get it up?"
Girl: "We were kind of using it while it was up..."
Guy: "Ah. Well, that joke appears to have gone in a different direction than I intended."
Girl: "Yes. It went up."
Guy: "Nope, I can't think of any way to reassure you that doesn't involve me describing my testicles."
Guy: "Gah! Curse your sudden but inevitable ejaculation! New contender for 'worst thing I've ever said' right there."
Girl: "I hope I can continue my kinky streak."
Girl: "But orgasms are biotic, we can establish that."
FB Messages and Comments
About unfortunate Transformer names:
AP: "Long story short, it's a dildo."
AP: "Wow. That's the most lesbian thing I've ever read."
AP: "Ladies are just incredible."
KH: "They are, aren't they? :P"
AP: "Oh, right, I'm talking to a lesbian. :P"
Actually a Tumblr message:
User: "And if anyone gives me shit about erections again I can be like ACTUALLY, MOTHERFUCKER..."
LC: "Eat your penis pasta."
About a gif:
AP: "He's really happy eating his cherry."
KH: >:D
AP: "...Wait, oh, shit."
About another gif:
AP: "Aw, he's licking her face - don't."
Overheard During D&D
About the cleric:
EC (In Character): "There she goes, being churchy again."
About the cleric sending her wife a gift:
KH (In Character): "Nevermind, I can give it to her later."
EC (In Character): "I bet you can."
About horses transitioning into cows:
EC: "Just because I was born with a mane doesn't make me a horse."
(collective laughter)
DR: "This is the 'mane' reason I don't talk."
(collective groan)
EC: "I regret nothing."
AC: "You should regret so much."
KH: "Stop talking so I can write this down fast enough!"
About the Spirit Guardians spell:
DR: "He's in your holy fuck off field."
About a rogue running the prison and freeing all the thieves:
ST: "Orange is the New Black: Waterdeep Edition."
JS: "This thing breeds like...things that breed quickly."
About using a lot of magic:
JS: "We're blowing a big load here right now."
JS: "You wanna go up the shaft?"
ST and T: "That's what he said."
About a dragon's breath weapon recharging:
ST: "I'd've been deader than Elvis."
About flirting with an efreet:
JI: "Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you're not getting anything."
One of TWWS’s most famed wisecrackers, well-known for his news coverage of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse, is back with news coverage of Brexit! Take it away, Bubbles!
Bubbles: “THIS JUST IN! NM reporting from the BBI (Bullshit Bulletins Ireland) newsroom...
Mass hysteria as it would seem that there has been an outbreak in the UK as many people have been infected! The CDC are reportedly trying to come up with a vaccine to combat the infection but progress on a cure is slow.
There have been a few casualties already so the CDC are of course making the cure their highest priority! Their game of Pandemic will just have to wait. KH, head of the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has agreed to release a statement about the actions the CDC are taking to combat this outbreak of what she is calling "Severe Stupidity virus". Over to you, KH. What can you tell us about this SS virus and the cure your organisation are working on?”
KH: “ Thank you, NM. I'm reporting live here from the CDC where there has been a panic as we try to find a cure for the outbreak. We had so many preparations in place for the zombie apocalypse that we completely ignored the possibility of the SS virus. We believe that the disease is transmitted by listening to others with the SS virus. Presidential candidate Donald Trump seems to be Patient Zero for the US, his SS case being the most severe. However, as like most with the SS virus, he is unaware that he has it and refuses treatment. We're still unsure as to what caused the outbreak in the UK, but we're looking for the source as fast as we can while also attempting a cure. We've contacted the World Health Organisation (WHO) for support and they've sent us several Doctors to assist us. Strangely, their names are all numbers. That's all we have to report for now. Back to you, NM.”
Bubbles: “And that was KH from the CDC. To no surprise, it would appear that Trump may have something to do with this level of national stupidity matched only by the blonde roadkill he calls his hair.
One of the many cities dreading the results of this Brexit incident caused by SS is Belfast where local CL is standing by in his home town to catch us up on the tension building in Belfast between those infected and those who actually give a shit about our global economy. Over to you CL!”
CL: “Thanks Neal, a very odd feeling in Belfast today as people are not sure what to do.
Following the announcement of the results, a small group of locals with Swastika tattoos began dancing drunkenly in the streets.
The confusion, however, is mounting, as the Nationalist section are already crying for a return to a 32 county Ireland, meanwhile the Loyalist section are unsure what to do. This follows the news that the majority of Northern Ireland actually voted to remain.
No news yet on whether or not the DUP are going to support the majority, like they keep saying they're doing by blocking marriage equality, or whether they will opt to sink with the UK.
Unconfirmed reports from Sinn Feinn HQ suggest some form of party. Sources are claiming that Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness is currently engaged in dancing delightedly on a table, screaming ‘We're going home!’”
Bubbles: “Interesting situation up there CL. Thank you for the report.
Well I for one think Ireland should get the rest of its counties back since this is basically the UK divorcing the EU. I'm pretty sure we have better lawyers to represent the UN so we should get a fine settlement as the UK enjoys their new single apartment furnished wall to wall with shag and faux fur which should prove an adequate environment while they're getting fucked by their poor decision.
Finally we have an old friend of the BBI news team to share his thoughts on the situation in his country and how he plans to deal with it. Take it away LM. How far do you think SS has spread?”
LM: “Thanks NM. The price of mars bars has risen by £42 overnight and the prospect of a take away is being thrown out the window.
But in more local news a dog just peed on a tree so the lack of rioting in the area has now been definitely calmed from nothing to ‘oh look, a dog!’.
The governments plans on moving the UK out of the EU are being put into motion, asking for every resident to plant a balloon on their property to assist in the relocation effort of the country to outside the European borders. I was taxed for this.
At around 9am this morning a unified "well shit" could be heard across the nation as the 35% who voted to remain tuned in to the other news channels.
In other news a new mini-moon was recently announced by NASA, it is roughly 36m across and 91m wide. It has reportedly been in Earths orbit for over 100 years and set to remain as part of the EU for a few centuries more.
And now the weather.”
Bubbles: “ ...42 FUCKIN QUID?!
*ahem*
Thanking you muchly LM. You're as informed as ever.
Time for the weather with TH live from Waterford. I'm gonna go sob into a pack of mini mars bars.”
TH: “THANKS NM.
THE WEATHER DOWN HERE IN WATERFORD IS CATEGORY: 'SHITSTORM A BREWIN'
SO, PLEASE DONT MAKE UNNECESSARY JOURNEYS TO THE UK!
BACK TO YOU, NM!”
Bubbles: “Thanks Tom.
Well folks, it's been a big day for the world and let's hope it's not as big a fuckup as we suspect.
Someday, maybe, just maybe...we might find a cure and stop being idiots. But then again...
Isn't that what makes us special?
Leave the EU, buy that big ass tv, lick a toaster, live your life to the fullest!
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During a class Facebook discussion:
KH: "Looks like Weebly also lets you embed Flash objects if we want to show that off, too. :P"
DC: "KH feck off with your Flash...the only stage I'm going looking at from now on is in a theatre. :P"
Girl: "Why are boys so complicated?"
D&D/RL Crossover:
KH: "Dude, you can cast Evard's Black Tentacles with science?"
About KH’s expression while singing:
DM: "KH's singing is like a Disney villain: the song is well-performed but she's still one inch away from murder."
Girl: "Juggling life and juggling balls are the same thing and I can't do either."
About Queen Victoria:
KH: "She didn't believe in sex before marriage but she had sex before getting married?"
AS: "She was the queen; she was allowed to do these things."
About a Doctor Who reference in Warhammer:
KH: "That is blatant rip-offery."
After reading a fic:
AP: "And AP's shriveled black heart grew three sizes that day."
Reading a Huffington Post article about lesbianism:
AP: (quoting) "'Don't you miss the penis?'"
KH: "Depends on whether it's silicone or not."
Talking about nude selfies:
E: "Showing your face is a rookie mistake."
RP: "Have experience with this, do you?"
KH: "Oh, speaking of -"
AP: "I'm afraid of anything you think of after I say 'hair gel as lube.'"
KH: "I'ma find innuendo in everything and you know it."
AP: "In your end-o."
KH: "Well done."
Overheard during D&D
Note that KH is playing a cleric:
KH (In Character): "What's the quickest way to make 700 gold? I need to get this plate mail resized."
SO (In Character): "You could always whore yourself out."
EC (In Character): "Please, [SO's Character], she's a married woman. And she's...churchy."
How clerics make money:
SO: "So basically 700 gold worth of preaching."
Ok, so it’s not quite finals week yet, but it’s close enough and I have plenty of material.
Overheard at Random
About an asshole:
KH: “[She’s] gonna kill him. Unless I get to him first.”
DM: “Well, there’s a queue.”
About a new tattoo:
KH: “My mom is furious!”
C: “Wasn’t that the point?”
Reasons for being late to D&D:
EC: “I was busy with other things.”
DM: “With [AC].”
AC: “Why do I always get the blame?”
DM: “Am I wrong?”
AC: “No, but that’s besides the point.”
About the Percy Jackson movies:
DM: “A slightly less shitty piece of shit is still a piece of shit.”
KH: (takes out the notebook)
DM: “Really?”
“Overheard” in Facebook Messages Between Siblings
AP: “There is actually a small bloodstain on the sheets, and I’m really worried because I don’t have a uterus.”
KH: “That is SO going on the blog.”
KH: “Ok, I have to go hunt down breakfast.”
AP: “Shit, I knew there was something I was forgetting…”
Sex talk:
AP: “I was this close to typing ‘I wouldn’t have pegged you for a fan of…’ Then I realised what I’d almost said.”
KH: “I’m reading some damn fine fic…”
AP: “…How many dicks are there in it?”
About sharing fanficiton:
AP: “Kink me up!”
AP: “Noooooo link not kink oh shit.”
KH: “Kink me up made sense to me.”
KH: “Do you know how many of these messages are going into the blog?”
Overheard During Lit Soc
AP: “You have got to be the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.”
Four People: “But you have heard of me.”
Overheard During D&D
Questionable killing methods:
EC: “No, he’s dead, you’re just still holding his dick.”
Questionable character-building skills:
EC: “You’re a dwarf barbarian with proficiency in acrobatics?!”
EC: “No, a penis is a weapon. You do shoot people with it.”
DR: “You see him flex his wanking hand.”
About a minotaur who keeps missing:
DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”
DR (In Character): “Do you know of Samular?”
KH (Out Of Character): “Do I?”
EC (Out Of Character): “Do we?”
About bottles of brandy:
EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”
Ideas so bad they’re good:
KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.”
F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”
One of those glorious moments:
DR (In Character): “[What’s the] pass sign?”
KH and EC: (slow simultaneous flip-off)
Happy World Book Day! Have some inappropriate quotes.
Overheard at Random
AP: "You? Straight? I've seen you eat a banana."
AP: "What haven't you done? Besides [celebrity crush]."
KH: "...I'm writing that down."
AP: "We're all mature adults here."
CF: "I don't know what kind of guys you're running into."
KH: "American guys."
CF: "So douchebags, basically."
About actress Alycia Debnam-Carey:
AP: "Her eyebrow game is on point."
KH: "One time I drank well water. Let's not talk about how that ended."
EC: "Well it didn't end well."
KH: "So this is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me."
AP: "Oh, this is gonna be good."
Background: KH is one of two American students in an Irish class. The assigned group project includes students from an American college. Almost all of them are slacking off:
KH: "On behalf of my fellow countrymen, I apologize."
MK: "Thank you."
Classmate: "...Come on, [other American], step up your game."
Messaging a parent on FB:
KH: "So if you don't put water on a grease fire how DO you put it out?"
Parent: "Do I want to know why you have asked this question?????"
It was just something I read in a story, honest.
About a textbook:
KH: "This really is a document design bible."
AP: "You mean it's labyrinthine, ancient, and doesn't make any sense?"
KH: "...Yes."
Overheard During Lit Soc Meetings
During MadLibs. I'm so, so sorry:
AP: "Auschwitz is a normal place for you?!"
AL: "Yeah, it's a gas."
More MadLibs:
JA: "That threatens the 'ugliest' country."
KH: "America?"
The MadLibs App:
EC: (to KH) "Your name autocorrected to 'Guns'."
AP: "Damn Americans."
Overheard During D&D
After a woman uses gust of wind to push man back:
Bubbles: "At least you got blown."
About a revenant and a possible lover:
EC: "Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality..."
DR: "What happens in Faerun, et cetera."
Rolling high on a seduction check:
DR: "Frankly, I didn't think you'd go down this road."
KH: "Oh, I went down all right."
More on the seduction roll:
Bubbles: "Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night."
About a nonviolent kua-toa:
Player: "He's a paci-fish."
KH (In Character): "Why do I feel like this is going to turn out to be a very bad idea?"
ST (In Character): "We're in the Underdark, my dear. Everything down here is a bad idea."
During Skype D&D, about yummy-looking cookies:
KH: "Can you at least hold one up to the camera so I can pretend to eat it?"
About dealing with face-hugging enemies:
CD: "You swung at yourself and missed?"
AD: "I swung at myself and missed."
More face-hugging nonsense:
JI: "I cast Magic Missle at my head. How often do you say that in a D&D game?"
ST (In Character): "I'll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills."
CD (Out Of Character): "Dying first is not a skill."
Like in those movies where the guy turns on the light and all the monsters are there:
CD: "Darkvision covers the room...and I wish it didn't."
About cultists:
DM (In Character): "They are water people. Maybe they're just going with the flow."
So in case the title wasn’t obvious enough, I’m not feeling so well on my birthday. *blah* But I have a nice looooong TWWS saved up that I didn’t want to post until after a party I didn’t end up attending because illness. Ah, well.
This post also takes TWWS back to its roots: Apples to Apples! For those who don’t know, TWWS started as me writing down what I thought were funny Apples to Apples combos. This later progressed to funny things said during the game, then funny things said during Werewolf, then funny things said during Ren Faires, and then everything snowballed from there. So enjoy this super long edition of TWWS!
Overheard at Random
Person: "Why is someone whistling the Jurrasic Park theme?"
AP: "Do they need a reason?"
About a so-bad-it’s-good Facebook post:
KH: "Please share that with me so I can make other people suffer."
DT: "KH! I'm so proud of you for that sentence!"
While watching The Big Bang Theory:
KH: "No! Don't question! Just follow her [into the bedroom]!"
RP: "Speaking from experience?"
KH: "If I had a printer I'd make you my first victim."
AP: "Um..."
KH: "For my usability survey."
AP: (relieved) "Oh, ok."
About my new earrings:
DM: "You can't be in trouble. You're twenty-old."
About a local audition:
RO: "Britain's Got Talent? But we're not in Britain."
AP: "You know the British. Maybe they haven't figured that out yet."
Turns out she was actually quoting a tumblr post. Does that count?:
CF: "You know what's annoying? How you can accidentally make a person. Why can't that happen with pizza?"
Child control:
KC: "Don't hit your sister with the battleaxe!"
AP: "You say 'bollocks' like a proper Irish person. I'm proud of you."
How to fix a computer:
AP: "Just call it 'cunt' a few times. That'll help."
Discussing Werewolf (”Strategic Betrayal”)/Frozen:
EC: "Do you wanna build a wicker man?"
DT: "How was I supposed to know you had a maths exam coming up?"
AP: "I'm an engineer! I always have a maths exam coming up!"
Dialogue from a round of Consequences:
"I'm coming down your chimney tonight."
AP: "Nothing says Christmas like casual sex."
KH: "Actually, that...nevermind."
AP: "This song sucks ass, and not in a good way."
EC and KH: "There's a good way?"
About Star Wars awesomeness:
AP: "KH, you can't watch the same video forever."
KH: "Yes I can."
AP: "...You're right."
How projects start:
Lecturer: "I was on sabbatical at the time so I had time on my hands and I was bored."
Overheard During Apples to Apples
Frightening Americans
Graceful Alcoholism
Clueless Adam Sandler
Clueless Exchange Students
Clueless Liberals
Crunchy [A] Broken Nose
DT: "Who has 'a broken nose'?"
Bubbles: "Not yet..."
Disappointing Father's Day
Bubbles: "Is that a disappointing Father's Day or a Disappointing Father's Day?"
Disappointing Reality
Overheard During Betrayal at House on the Hill
Questionable navigation:
S: "'As you look back the way you came' - which is up..."
KH (male): "As if a priest would leave a child in the hands of a sociopath."
KH (female): "No, the priest would take the child for himself."
KH (male): "Exactly!"
Discussing our locations on the board:
Bubbles: "A cat fight ends in a child's death and I'm eating a sandwich."
S: "All that bloodshed makes you hungry."
S: "Well I'm a neutral party."
Bubbles: "Does 'neutral' mean 'dead'?"
S: "Well someone was neutralised and it was me."
Overheard During Love 2 Hate
I love the way brains...are banned by the government.
Bubbles: "They're trying, anyway."
I hate the way clowns...
...subsist entirely on my fear.
...make me need therapy.
Overhear During D&D
Predictive dice rolling:
EC: "The universe owes me a one, so," (rolls d20)(gets a 1)
Ball bearings + flask of oil = bomb?:
DR: "You roll your makeshift IED inside..."
The ends justify the means?:
Bubbles: "Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?"
DR: "You guys are fucked up."
About character races:
EC: "If she's a rabbit, what does she hunt? Tiny, hopping humans?"
Bubbles: "You mean children?"
About the previous sentences being written in the TWWS notebook:
EC: "We both made it in at the same time."
KH: "That's what he said."
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So I have loads of TWWS material to impart upon you including D&D shenanigans and Strictly Come Dancing commentary. Onwards!
Overheard at Random
KH: "Have you seen RC?"
CF: "Is he cross-dressing again?"
CF: "I'm sweating like a priest on a playground."
During a game of Never Have I Ever:
RP: "I think I may have misjudged ye ever-so-slightly."
About a cinema advert:
RP: "'Cause people that go to the cinema on Bargain Wednesdays are going to be able to afford a BMW..."
About preserving humans/how long meat can go before it's cooked:
OTB: "If you're no good for cooking, you're no good for being alive."
Fangirling over a video game:
AP: "I think one of you cares about this a lot more than the other."
AP: "Do you not like anything other than pizza and that girl you showed up at the lock-in with?"
AM: "That's a definite maybe. But I definitely like pizza."
This is better without names:
Bi Girl: (seeing a hot girl and breaking off mid-sentence) "Sorry, I'm really distracted."
Bi Guy and Two Lesbians: (turn to look) "Don't blame you."
Overheard While Watching Strictly Come Dancing
About the awful jokes poor Claudia is forced to tell:
KH: "How does she keep a straight face saying that crap?"
SH: "Botox."
Jumping the gun:
Claudia: "The scores are not in."
SH: "They can't find Craig's ‘10′ paddle."
Claudia: "There's still one couple left to dance."
KH and SH: "Yeah, the worst one!"
Overheard During the RPG Dread
During character creation:
O: "No sex workers."
S: "...Oh, shit."
DE (In Character): "Why did you not go down with your ship, captain?"
O (In Character): "Because up yours, that's why!"
A future RPG?:
O: "Don't Starve: Fallout Edition."
MM: "I'd play the fuck out of that."
Overheard During D&D
EC: "So the stone-faced guys who watch quarries for a living think we’re weird.”
EC: "Getting a lecture on morality from a lawful evil dead chick just doesn't make sense."
About hearing things and bad falls:
T: "If he heard the voices after he got out of the hole I would say concussion."
DR: "Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery."
A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing:
EC: "If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard."
About a rather evil villain:
DR: "She's Miss Puppykick Von Evilstein."
EC: "That sounds better with doctor. Doctor Puppykick Von Evilstein."
EC (In Character): "So what you're saying is that it's very dangerous and we shouldn't go in. I'll take point."
Things to worry about in combat:
KH: "You don't have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey."
EC: "If you can dodge a mace, you can dodge a ball."
About a creature made mostly of fire:
EC: "If you [jerked off] as a genasi would it be like a flamethrower?"
DR: "Yeah, [he] doesn't need to go to a healer about a burning sensation there."
EC: "But you're a ranger. Only you can prevent forest fires."
The perks of being a short character:
A: "I'm really good at aiming at people's private parts."
DT: "If he swung with an axe he could have an axe-ident."
This post actually has very little to do with Lit Soc. I just happen to be posting this post from the meeting. Also, I noticed that I stopped marking down “me” for things I said and using my initials instead. Unconscious self-preservation? Eh. Onward!
Overheard at Random
CF: "Guys, I think we have made an absolute, giant mistake telling KH it was ok to use the word 'cunt.'"
DM: "A beautiful train wreck. Like your experiment."
KH: "That wasn't beautiful. That was just a train wreck."
About a Facebook post:
KH: "I liked it, too, but you're still an asshole."
Lecturer: “Any questions about the assignment besides ‘do we have to do it’?”
During a pub quiz with interestingly-themed questions:
Emcee: "This sex quiz does not represent the views of the [Students Union]."
Sex Quiz team names:
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang
Cliteral Thinking
One Erection
About whom we’re destined for:
BJ: "I'm of the firm belief that my soul mate got lost in a condom."
About Mass Effect 2 characters:
Guy: "Garrus, Wrex, Jack..."
AP: "Are you saying who's dead or who you'd like to fuck?"
About a Mass Effect trilogy voice actress:
KH: "I just wanna hug her!"
Bubbles: "KH wants a hug! And a shift."
KH: "I wouldn't mind a shift."
Bubbles: "And your number. And your hotel room."
About the famous TWWS notebook:
Bubbles: "I love your notebook more than I love women: I see it and I know I'm gonna get in."
A Facebook conversation about Mass Effect 3 romances:
KH: *sigh* What have I done?
Bubbles: ...I assume Liara...
Bubbles: EVERY
Bubbles: FUCKING
Bubbles: PLAYTHROUGH
Overheard During a Lit Soc Meeting
Offhand comments during Lit Soc meetings are dangerous:
DT: "Whoa, we're halfway there."
Everyone Else: "WHO-OA! LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!"
About two writing prompts:
EC: “‘The perfect date’ and ‘a lethal disease.’ It’s The Fault In Our Stars!”
Overheard During D&D
EC: "If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?"
About identifying people the character had killed:
EC (In Character): "Ah, you mean dumbass corpse[s] number twelve and thirteen."
Identifying mysterious cults:
KH: "What's the Cult of Howling Hatred?"
EC: "The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously."
Situational innuendo:
EC: "We have a problem with mysterious holes."
DM: "And this one's not the innkeeper."
EC: "Not anymore. That dungeon's already been raided."
