야 니 yani

Setting was we were sitting down - ako sa sala set, sya sa sahig, si Mama din. Mama seemed like she's folding clothes while Papa was smoking malapit sa pinto. Place is unfamiliar - pero the home looks nice and decent kasi maganda yung set at naka-tiles.

I dunno but it looked like I was telling them something, until I kept saying to Papa na "Papa diba wag mo muna ako kukunin ha? Wag mo muna ako kunin. Kailangan pa nila ako dito. Wag muna ha?" out of the blue. Then he replied something along the lines of "Oo. Hindi pa hintayin pa kita lumaki" which made me sobbing hard in that dream. Then I woke up.

Papa, it's been 22 days since you passed. Pakiramdam ko pa rin nag-drive ka lang somewhere. Still feels so surreal. Si Mama lagi pinapanuod video mo na kumakanta, or pinapatugtog yung mga paborito mo just so she can fall asleep a bit better. She always says "kailangan kayanin" maybe when people asks her how she is doing since you left. My brother already went back to school and focuses maybe because that was his promise to you... na magtatapos sya. Me? Here alone sa sala kung saan kasama kita palagi noon. I keep the house clean, hopefully enough. Papasok na ako ulit sa work bukas. I was lucky to be given an ample time to grieve and get used to being alone at night. You used to be with me at these hours, either playing on your phone or sleeping. Sometimes inaaway kita because of little things... malakas tunog nung laro or pinapanuod mo sa phone, amoy yosi ka, o kaya naman kasi ayaw mo pa matulog kahit maaga ka pa gigising o pagod ka. Little things I got so used to that I might've taken for granted at times. I was lucky to have you as my father indeed. Sabi mo nga kay Ateng saan kaya ako hahanap ng katulad mo bilang asawa. True enough, no one may compare to a standard like you are. I was spoiled and well loved all those 28 years you were with us.

My anxiety kicks in at times, and makes me overthink that I never got to know you as you, you know. I only knew you as a father, a husband, a son and brother, but maybe not so much as an individual. I didn't even know your favorite color, your hobbies aside from drawing and basketball, or other favorites. I never get to ask the Artist you like, or the food you really loved. I am sorry I became a disappointment at some days. You never said it but I know. I'm sorry we fought a few times and maybe have said hurtful things. I am sorry I never got to personally tell you "I love you", as I wasn't the verbal type too. I wonder if your love language towards others is "Acts of service"? You do everything for us, not much complaints, even kahit pagod ka na. Kasi sabi mo sa iba, mahal mo kasi kami kaya ganoon. I wonder how you would like to receive love language in return? Was it acts of service too? Through words of affirmation? Or Maybe getting gifts? I will never know. But I do hope I at least made you happy and proud a few times over.

how amazing can these be? luxurious gifts indeed 🥹🫶🏻 thank you for always making me feel important and well-loved 😭

my 20y/o canon 35mm film camera 🥹