John Mulaney Quotes  {Sentence Starters}
âAnd thatâs my WIFE!â
âThis is the height of luxury!â
âYour opinion doesnât matter.â
âShut up! Youâre all gonna die!â
âWhy?âŚWhy do you do thisâŚ?â
âIâm new in town and it gets worse.â
âI lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.â
âOh, weâre gonna freak out so bad.â
âI donât look older, I just look worse.â
âYou know how Iâm filled with rage?â
âI need everyone to like me so much!â
âEat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.â
âI will pepper in the fact that I am gay.â
âAnd I said ânoâ⌠You know, like a liar.â
âAdult life is already so goddamn weird.â
âFirst off, get out of here with your facts.â
âI think I can get them to budge, letâs go.â
âNo! Thatâs the thing Iâm sensitive about!â
âI just wanna sit here and feed my birds.â
âWe were little goblins. We were terrible.â
âNow, we donât have time to unpack all that.â
âBecause itâs the one thing you canât replace.â
âI was just shiny, and dumb, and easy to trick.â
âI also donât want me to be doing what Iâm doing.â
âYou have the moral backbone of a chocolate ĂŠclair.â
âBrush your teeth, now BOOM, orange juice! Thatâs life.â
âWhy do people shush animals? Theyâve never spoken.â
â Iâm so horny and angry all the time, and I have no outlet.â
âThatâs what I thought youâd say, you dumb fucking horse.â
âSheâs a dynamite bitch and sheâs the best. Sheâs my hero.â
âIn terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.â
âWhoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!â
âWe started chanting, âMcDonaldâs, McDonaldâs, McDonaldâs!ââ
âIâll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, Iâll die.â
âThen he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.â
âAnyone whoâs seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.â
âJust âcause youâre accurate does not mean youâre interestingâŚâ
âI look back on being 17 and think, âOh my God, how did I not die?ââ
âYou are never too young to learn our national âno snitchingâ policy.â
âYou know those days when youâre like âthis might as well happenâ?â
âSomething happened here. You hope itâs a miracle, but probably not.â
âSometimes babies will point at me, and I donât care for that shit at all.â
âAnd apparently I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, âItâs perfume.â And it was.â
âI try to stay optimistic⌠even though, I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.â
âI never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.â
âIt is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them.â
âAnd everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk, white children yelling âfuck da policeâ!â
âI have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.â
âMy vibe is like, âhey you could probably pour soup in my lap and Iâll apologize to youâ.â
âI am very small and I have no money⌠so, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.â
âThe more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.â
âThey terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.â
âI quit drinking because I used to drink too much⌠then I would black out and I would ruin parties.â
âIf youâre comparing the badness of two words and you wonât even say one of them, thatâs the worse word.â
âCollege was like a four-year game show called âDo My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?ââ
âHey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.â
âI was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.â