[𝕯𝖚𝖒𝖇_𝕭𝖚𝖙𝖑𝖊𝖗]

It was the 24th of May and it was Matsushita Yuya’s (Sebastian) birthday. As I understood, Uehara Takuya (Grell) and Yuya are very close friends and Taku-chan asked other actors to prepare a surprise for him. This surprise was going to be at the end of a play (it’s a rerun of “The Most Beautiful DEATH in the World”). So, Yuya was speaking to the audience, but then Takuya appeared and his little present began. 

ciel endured profound trauma that left deep marks on his psyche, and the ptsd attack only intensified those memories. he and his brother were defiled, exploited, beaten, violated. we saw how ciel recoiled from the touch of others when it reminded him of the people who hurt him, how he vomited at the mere thought of what he had endured.

and yet sebastian, when gentler methods failed, chose drastic measures and significantly invaded his personal space. he allowed not only ciel’s mind to be swallowed by darkness, but his entire body to be engulfed in shadows and tendrils that belonged to him.

terrified, reduced to the mind of a ten-year-old child, with no way to escape — ciel had every right to feel betrayed by sebastian, even used, just as he had been by those men.

Oh yes, the arc of Sebastian abandoning Ciel and Ciel just being left alone and unprotected (sort of) is one of the hardest ones for me. So much angst... I also think it will create an even vaster ground for miscommunication. Sebastian not killing Ciel on sight for breaking the contract and basically giving him a chance to die and for his soul to depart is huge proof of his feelings, but Ciel won't see it like that. Once again, he will become certain that Sebastian considers him nothing more than a meal that's not even delicious enough to be finished off and consumed at the first trace of weakness.

The fact that Sebastian lets him get shot will haunt both of them for a long time.

Thank you very much, all of you, for supporting me so strongly. About my move, after talking to my real estate agent, my parents, and some of my friends from the military, I had to adjust my initial hopes, so now I'm stuck between two options.

1) I can move to the safest part of Ukraine, to the west. This will separate me from my family entirely, so we won't be able to see each other physically. I will also have to leave some of my pets behind because there is no way to take all of them with me. The good part about this is that I'll be able to live and sleep calmly (well, as calmly as possible knowing my family is still in Kyiv).

However, there is a possibility that Russian drones will resume attacks on the west this winter; it'll still be much, much, much safer than in Kyiv, but the problem of those western regions is that they have no real shelters.

2) I can also rent an apartment in Kyiv, but choose a much safer building with its own shelter, electricity, and heating. So, I will no longer have to spend every night at the shelter just in case something happens; if the air raid begins, I'll be able to grab my cats and run downstairs in 40-50 seconds.

The benefits are that I'll still be with my family, and they'll be able to move with me to this safer building; the problem is that it's still in Kyiv. If air raids become even worse, and they take place 24/7, I'll have to flee to the west for sure, but by then I'll still be in debt over my rented Kyiv apartment.

There are some other factors to consider. My Mom was told at her work that if the attacks worsen, she'll be allowed to relocate while still keeping her job. This would be ideal, but until we know for sure, I am left hanging. Also, I developed some health issue (probably due to stress) that needs treatment. It's nothing serious, but it's still an intrusive procedure, and I do need Kyiv doctors for it.

So, I'm really torn between these two options. One day I choose one, the next day I choose another. I probably need to wait at least until I undergo my treatment and my Mom's work decides what to do once and for all, but this waiting is torturous. I hate the moments of indecision and uncertainty most in the world.

Now, about the next ATLWETD update: I won't lie, I had zero progress lately. However, since I started making plans to move and staying at the shelter each night, I finally began to feel a little better, so I resumed finalizing the chapter. I can't say when it'll be done, everything is too horrible and unpredictable at the moment, but I do work on it every day again, bit by bit. I'm almost at the editing stage — this time for sure, the final scene has finally arrived :D But the chapter is huge and complicated, so at my current pace, it might still take a few weeks. Hopefully, no more than that.

ciel doesn’t know whether sebastian is mocking him, or genuinely caring in a way that forgets there is no future in which ciel gets to grow up. the contract, which for sebastian was meant to last only a fleeting moment, stretches on longer and longer — but ciel is fully aware that its end is closer than its beginning.

sebastian, meanwhile, seems to think more and more often — perhaps unconsciously — about a future for the two of them, a future that simply does not exist in ciel’s mind.

it’s one of those examples that suggests sebastian may be slowly drifting away from the idea of devouring ciel, even if he himself hasn’t realized it yet.