Jamie Okonkwo

The question I always ask myself is if I continued to stay here would I cease to exist along with every flame within me I failed to recognize. My ignorance landed me at the bottom of the pit. At the crack of a new dawn, I fear the worst. I brace myself for what delusions might crawl out of the pandora's box that is my mind. It comes in waves; but it brandishes the truth. It penetrates through the only perception I have of being free. I'm pressured to run but there is not a trace of light here at the bottom of the pit; I keep bumping into versions of myself, each one emanating malicious desires only seen in the movies. I understand the meaning of the battle and what instigated this internal war; the world believes that people like us shouldn't be able to thrive above ground so we retreat to the shadows, within our minds anyway, hoping to avoid the sharp criticism and words that cut deep into the only person we could be. The world likes to set the bar too high but at the same time, cut my wings, demean the value of my potential until it's nothing but rubble at the bottom of the pit. Nothing grows in the bottom of the pit. We are all taught to imitate the unique melodies that our souls sing out daily; but melodies aren't set in stone, they can be altered as we continue to drift further from the truth.

At the bottom of the pit, faith is a subjective myth. It flows with in and out with the current of the tide and the rising and setting of the sun. But there is no light so how could I see my way out of a world, a mindset that can't be defined. Can you come back from brokenness? I don't have a name for it; whatever this sensation is. The emptiness, I'm not chained to it. My fear can never be a game changer. It's hidden in the beauteous detail, in the thoughts that can't explain triggers, in wisdom turned senseless. I sometimes treasure what I don't understand; I turn my back to indecision in an effort to unlearn it. It was not effective so I became determined to let what I don't understand read into the irregularities in heartbeat. Could it become regular? Could I come back from brokenness? Is it possible to find out who I could become outside of this bottomless pit?

Sitting in the passenger sit of your beige-colored Bugatti, we're a long ways away from Los Angeles. I'm right here in the present, taking in the heat of Italian leather, but I don't need to take a look in your direction to know that your mind and soul never left Los Angeles.

I NEED YOU TO WAKE UP; YOU HAVE TO COME BACK TO ME!!!! IT'S ME SITTING NEXT TO YOU IN ALL HONESTY. No, No, it wasn't the American dream we were living. We were losing our minds every morning thinking that we we were getting closer to finding them. At the headquarters, we were jaded as we entered those spinning doors, 5:00am on the dot. While those viper tycoons, we believed to be our bosses in good faith, were throwing corporate slumber parties right under our noses. We were being used to fuel their tidal waves of amusement, receiving faulty compensation to trick us into going along in the dark.

Unfortunately, the fairytale life we were advertising with our name-brand suits and unforgettable cologne disintegrated along with the indecent exposure that drowned us indefinitely. But somehow we felt an overwhelming feeling of weightlessness as we were testifying in court for breach of client confidentiality, Malpractice, and False advertising. The court system claim they stand for justice but they're too broken to show it. They're so cutthroat and rigid when it comes to instrumentality, claiming that this particular new law, if enacted, can change the system for the better. We've heard this all before, and its a broken record that's not worth listening to again. Our names may be forever tainted but our hearts are free, and they can't plant us anywhere in their schemes because we're not going back.

We spoke our truth with conviction because we knew we were innocent. Those viperous tycoons had us living a lie. And while it may be true that we never attempted to tear down the flowery wallpaper the second things seemed not to add up, that doesn't make us seasoned criminals because we were blindsided, choosing not to read between the lines. But we should move on. We left those vipers to singe in the L.A. sun; No, the law never got to them but something else did, and it doesn't seem to need politics or the court system to execute an attack.

As we're joyriding in your Bugatti, the wind in our faces blow away all our tears as we reminisce on the very moment we thought that we would surely rot away in jail cells. We don't know where we'll call home yet, but I trust in your decision. Our loyalty is the only reason why we're here in the first place, able to bask in the sunshine with the radio loud enough to carry us out of our minds. Your awkward turn-of-phrase catches me off guard every time but I can swallow every word, knowing that we've found paradise in one another. I've never had the permission to howl at the top of my lungs, and act like the obsessive, paranoid freak that pretends to be out of breath until you promise to never stop needing me until one of our hearts stop beating. The thought of one of us dying sends chills down my spine because you are the only one made specifically for me in this universe. And as long as we have each other, there's no need to look back. No going back.