I just had a horrible night.
P.s a few days ago I watched 'no country for old men' and guess who's my fav character... right, Anton.
So yesterday I was simping over him again until I haven't reached my peak. It always happens. In just a random moment I quit feeling any sympathy to a specific character. And I hate that feeling. It just stops giving me any emotions. And I feel empty again.
"so? What's so horrible about it?" The horrible thing is that I was feeling so devastated that I realized and admitted to myself that I'm very lustful. Well, I knew I was, but I never thought that my whole life is circles around lust. All of my fav hobbies that make me feel 'happy' were full of lustful thoughts. And by ' happy' I mean pleasure.
I don't know what to do. There are millions of beautiful stim/moodboards on the internet, different roleplays...and every time I see one, I imagine that kind of pleasure.
I know these might just be hormones, that I'm a preteenageer that is curious. But I think it's going way too deep. So deep that if I start crying for a simple reason, I start crying harder, blaming myself for everything. And it always happened like that. I always held information to myself, until it goes too deep and I get to the edge, feeling empty and crying everything out, away from people. But it happens rarely.
I think I'll stop here. I might go further with explaining too much. If anything, I'll do another post.
And yeah, I'm not going to quit any of my interactions and I'm not gonna do anything about it. Yes, i admitted it but I didn't say anything about quiting.
(つ≧▽≦)つ
(I'm such a schmuck)
