What it really feels to have an eating disorder
- Itâs not a simple obsession. It forms part of yourself. Itâs rooted to your mind permanently.
- You learn people donât take you seriously until youâre literally a walking skeleton.
- You feel worthless, ugly, disgusting, replaceable, insignificant, stupid, hated, annoyingâŚthe 85% of time.
- You know what it means? It means you will feel like shit because your best friend had fun without you. It means you will feel like shit when someone tells you they care about you and find you an amazing, beautiful person but you canât believe it, as simple as you canât believe when a child tells you fairies exist. You know the child isnât a liar, but you still canât believe it, can you? It means you will panic if someone doesnât like you or shows hate towards you. It means you wonât be able to speak your mind often, because youâre scared you may offend someone, causing them to hate you. It means you often will renounce to some of your hobbies/ feel embarrassed about them. It means you are insecure about everything and canât make decisions on your own. It means youâre oversensitive and easily hurt but still you donât show it because you donât want people to think youâre weak, dramatic or seeking for attention. It means you only feel lonely when youâre around people. It means you feel like your friends donât really know you, since youâre just fake. It means keeping your problems for yourself because you donât feel like you deserve help or donât want to bother anyone, since no one really cares, and having anxiety and depression breakdowns at midnight because you bottled up way too much, facing it all alone.
- Weâre extremely, sickly self exigent. We wonât accept ourselves until weâve reached that âidealâ body, personalityâŚwhich we ONLY seek for OURSELVES.
- Yes, you got it, it isnât exclusively a matter of physical appearance. It applies to personality, intelligence or even spirituality levels.
- We feel like weâre being consumed in a cruel but also sweet hell.
- We are aware of how fucked up we are. But we simply donât care. Know why? Because we donât give a damn about ourselves. I donât intend to be dramatic, but itâs that simple.
- You mean to hurt only yourself, but you end up hurting the ones around you. And you hate yourself even more for that.
- You want to talk about it, but you canât, and you feel terribly lonely. Really, you canât imagine.
- When your eating disorder takes control of your actions against your true will, you wanna be understood. You want that special person to say âItâs okay, I understand this isnât you, but your diseaseâ. But obviously, no âhealthyâ person could, and you feel always misunderstood, which triggers self isolation, hate, depressionâŚ
- Predominant feelings: depression, terror, loneliness, stress, anxiety and guess what else: emptiness.
- You know that without your eating disorder youâre nothing. You havenât got anything else. Itâs what keeps you alive.
- Yes, you panic when sometimes your brain decides to shine some sense into your messed life and you notice what youâre doing is incredibly stupid and dangerous and guys! by Godâs will you really worry about yourself! And yes, you try to eat healthy again. You try to believe youâre beautiful the way youâre. And you know, you look at the mirror and wow, itâs true! You look at yourself and you see beauty and you know you deserve to be happy and love yourself. At least, this exuberant and almost orgasmic moment lasts a few minutes, some hours if youâre lucky, until the darkness covers your mind again.
- And yes, while slowly killing ourselves, we may secretly hope to catch someoneâs attention, to check if they really care, so they give us the love we canât give to ourselves. So they might save us, since we canât do it on our own. And if they donât stop us, then weâre better off dead.
This is a lot more complex than that. But itâs so abstract that itâs hard to put into words. But I hope I have opened the eyes to some when it comes to eating disorders, still so underestimated (by us, who suffer it, the most).
And for those who suffer like I do, I want you to know that youâre not alone, and please, donât give in and fight for your happiness, for the real one. And if you donât feel like doing it for yourself, or family or friends, do it for the healthy person you were once and for the one you could be.
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