What it really feels to have an eating disorder
- It’s not a simple obsession. It forms part of yourself. It’s rooted to your mind permanently.
- You learn people don’t take you seriously until you’re literally a walking skeleton. And that is a big trigger.
- You feel worthless, ugly, disgusting, replaceable, insignificant, stupid, hated, annoying…the 85% of time, specially when you eat/binge.
- You know what it means? It means you will feel like shit because your best friend had fun without you. It means you will feel like shit when someone tells you they care about you and find you an amazing, beautiful person but you can’t believe it, as simple as you can’t believe when a child tells you fairies exist. You know the child isn’t a liar, but you still can’t believe it, can you? It means you will panic if someone doesn’t like you or shows hate towards you. It means you won’t be able to speak your mind often, because you’re scared you may offend someone, causing them to hate you. It means you often will renounce to some of your hobbies/ feel embarrassed about them. It means you are insecure about everything and can’t make decisions on your own. It means you’re oversensitive and easily hurt but still you don’t show it because you don’t want people to think you’re weak, dramatic or seeking for attention. It means you feel like your friends don’t really know you, since you’re just fake. It means keeping your problems for yourself because you don’t feel like you deserve help or don’t want to bother anyone, since no one really cares, and having anxiety and depression breakdowns at midnight because you bottled up way too much, facing it all alone.
- We’re extremely, sickly self exigent. We won’t accept ourselves until we’ve reached that “ideal” body, personality…which we ONLY seek for OURSELVES.
- Yes, you got it, it isn’t exclusively a matter of physical appearance. It applies to personality, intelligence or even spirituality levels.
- We feel like we’re being consumed in a cruel but also sweet hell.
- We are aware of how fucked up we are. But we simply don’t care. Know why? Because we don’t give a damn about ourselves. I don’t intend to be dramatic, but it’s that simple, really. Like, come on, we go against our survival instincts. The same kind of hatred that leads to suicide.
- You mean to hurt only yourself, but you end up hurting the ones around you. And you hate yourself even more for that.
- Relationships? most of them aren’t the same anymore. You avoid friends in order to avoid food. You avoid friends because you want them to see you only when lost weigh since you feel embarrassed of how you look. You avoid them because you don’t feel understood.
- You want to talk about it, but you can’t, and you feel terribly lonely. Really, you can’t imagine.
- When your eating disorder takes control of your actions against your true will, you wanna be understood. You want that special person to say “It’s okay, I understand this isn’t you, but your disease”. But obviously, no “healthy” person could understand what’s going on and you feel always misunderstood, which triggers self isolation, hate, depression… At some point, not even you will be able to know when it is you or you disease talking.
- Predominant feelings: depression, loneliness, stress, anxiety and guess what else: emptiness.
- That. Damn. Body. Dismorphia. Fasted for two days? “Oh wow, I’m skinnier, am I not?” *Eats a cookie literally 1h later* *looks again* “damn, damn, damn, look at that fat. I’m so disgusting!!”
- You will get violent sometimes, specially when forced to eat, like an animal who feels in danger, and then you’ll break down because you don’t recognize yourself anymore
- You know that without your eating disorder you’re nothing. You haven’t got anything else. It’s what keeps you alive.
- Yes, you panic when sometimes your brain decides to shine some sense into your messed life and you notice what you’re doing is incredibly stupid and dangerous and guys! by God’s will you really worry about yourself! And yes, you try to eat healthy again. You try to believe you’re beautiful the way you’re. And you know, you look at the mirror and wow, it’s true! You look at yourself and you see beauty and you know you deserve to eat, to be happy and love yourself like everyone else. At least, this exuberant and almost orgasmic moment lasts a few minutes, some hours if you’re lucky, until the darkness covers your mind again, even darker than before.
- And yes, while slowly killing ourselves, sometimes we may secretly hope to catch someone’s attention, to check if they really care, so they give us the love we can’t give to ourselves. It’s the bit of sanity left on us screaming “see how fucked up I am, please, help me”. So they might save us, since we can’t do it on our own. And if they don’t stop us, then we’re better off dead anyways.
This is a lot more complex than that. But it’s so abstract that it’s hard to put into words. But I hope I have opened the eyes to some when it comes to eating disorders, still so underestimated (by us, who suffer it, the most).
And for those who suffer like I do, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and please, don’t give in and fight for your happiness, for the real one. And if you don’t feel like doing it for yourself, or family or friends, do it for the healthy person you were once and for the one you could be.
