When I was young I always thought you could have one true love. But when you get older you realise that’s bullshit, or at least that’s what I think. There isn’t that true love, or maybe not yet.

As a kid it seemed like love was a thing you would never loose. But you do. You stop loving, stop caring. Sometimes it’s just your partner, but in my mothers case it was everyone. She fell out of love with all of us and then there were just me and my father

And again I thought love. Love is something that rarely ends. When I was a kid I was thought my mother lost her love because she was sick. But everyone looses there love. Some people ignore it, like my grandparents. And then you sit next to the person you are with cause it’s comfortable but you don’t love them. I learned that later

When I was in my teenager years I thought love is something that feels great, like the sun kissing your skin, like hearing the waves when you are standing in front of the ocean. But I was proven wrong again.

Because love is great till it’s not. It is great when it slowly creeps into your mind and you get to experience it with someone. But love is cruel. Love will make you feel safe till one day it will leave you. It will hurt you on its way out and the knot in your stomach will only go away if you wait long enough

But sometimes love comes back and it’s even greater and bigger then before. It grew and it learned but some day it might leave you again.

But the cruelest thing about love is it doesn’t take the other persons love with it. So you will sit in bed, because love left you. But the other person, their love is still burning and you need to blow the fire out like a candle. Then, eventually love will leave them like it left you before.

But you always have that one love in your heart. Your own love, the love that keeps you alive. The love for life itself.

But that kind of love can leave you too. I learned that the hard way.

And when you stop loving yourself you start hating yourself. And when you feel nothing but hate, there is a point where you start feeling like there is nothing left, no love, no hate. Just a hole where your soul is supposed to be.

And I stoped loving myself when I was 14. I started hating myself by 15 and when I was 15 and a half I was empty.

I lost my love for everything, just like my mother did.

And I start to feel numb, I start to loose the ability to feel anything so I force myself to feel.

I break trough my skin to feel. I scar my skin to see that I can still feel.

But when you stop feeling the people around you start hurting

They look at the scars, they look at the signs and they wonder why their love isn’t enough.

But when you don’t feel anything you can’t feel it. They want to give you all their love but the monster in your head only craves pain.

And there are times where the monster is bigger then all the love you can get and it eats you up till there is nothing left. Sometimes it’s to late

But sometimes it gets better. Sometimes love comes back. It’s tiny at first because it hides from the monster but once it’s inside it grows. And maybe the monster will take some pieces of it but when you believe in it, love will fight for you.

It will grow. First it will be big enough so that the monster can’t hurt you. But love isn’t done their. No. Love will grow till the monster is as small as a bean. Then, the monster will go into hiding.

Maybe it will come back once in a while but when your love for yourself os big enough this love will pick up its armor and it will fight.

Leon:*gibt Markus irgendeine 5€ Kette*

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