Sassbucket

It felt really great to write something again today. I haven’t written something in months, and I haven’t had the motivation to. In fact, I haven’t had the motivation to do much of anything lately, so that was really something. I felt like I had my muse back! It was good. He’s been in my head more lately, poking and prodding and asking to be written again.

There are reasons why I’m saying no to that, though, for now. Here are the categories:

My health: I’ve still got the headache, but it’s been lessening (thank goodness). I’m working on that, and getting my sleep schedule on track since it, well, sucks. I’ve gotten a lot better with getting to sleep, but it’s getting up and staying awake that’s my issue. That’s partly due to the Lexapro I started taking back in February, which has not been nice to me. For the first several weeks I was on it, I couldn’t eat more than 1-1.5 meals per day. I ended up losing about 15 pounds total due to the nausea/stomachache it gave me. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with that much until April 4-5 when my dose is increased.

That being said, my mental health hasn’t been great either. You’ll see why when I explain other stuff.

Work: When January came around, my company made it so all part-time employees can only work up to 29.75 hours; for those curious, this is because they cannot afford to pay for everyone’s health care due to the rising costs of premiums (thanks Affordable Care Act). So, money has been tight me, never mind the usual work complaints that y’all know of if you know me. I’ve been seizure-free for four months now, though, so I’ve updated my resume completely, and we’re getting my car inspected along with an oil change. Next step is the license.

My husband’s job has been keeping him out of the house nearly every single day, and, unfortunately, doesn’t earn him a lot of money. He’s looking for alternatives right now because it leaves me with keeping the entire house clean, which I can’t do right now because of low spoons/energy levels. It’s going to be slow, though.

Money: To give you an idea of how tight money is, my husband and I regularly map out our finances each and every month so we can see how much we’ll have to spend on groceries, gas, bills, et cetera. We have had to not pay a couple of his credit card bills for the last couple of months because we literally cannot afford to. My health insurance takes a lot of money out of my paycheck as well (about $280 per month). 

Also, last month, while my husband had an appointment with someone who lived at an assisted living facility, someone hit the side of his car. We can’t open his passenger door now, and we weren’t able to find who hit the car; it was someone who visited the facility, not someone who lives there. The deductible for fixing the damage costs $500, which we of course don’t have right now. My husband is going to get his car assessed so we can probably sell it for a couple thousand dollars to be okay for the moment, and stop getting the phone calls to pay the credit card bills.

Currently, I’m seeing my therapist every other week--finally got to start that again--and my psychiatrist about every three or four weeks for medication reasons since Lexapro can cause seizures. My trichotillomania has not been improving since I’ve been having to hold myself back from pulling out more of my eyebrows lately, and the really negative thoughts have been coming back because of all of the stress I’ve been under. I don’t have a day off until April 3 (yes, I am working Easter morning), and I am just... I have to stop myself from crumbling a lot.

That is why I am hesitating to come back to RPing. I left a mess. There is a lot of negativity in the RPing world, and I got the Anons to prove it. I’m not sure that I could handle that where I am right now. Trust me--I want to write again. I really do. I love writing, and I feel like a part of me has been missing for a while now. Writing this piece made me so happy and excited. I want to jump on my new blog and play with it and get back in the fray with you. But, until my personal life calms the fuck down, and I can get things under control, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I need to be in a good head space.

So, just give me some time, and I’ll see if I can jump back in with y’all. Maybe I’ll do some small stuff on Skype here and there, but not on here.

For reading all of that, I leave you with this:

Kairi never thought she’d have even close to a normal life: a house, a job outside of slaying Heartless, chores, and no imminent threats. It almost felt weird to wake up with the warm breeze from the beach blowing in through her windows, but she loved it. Sunlight filtered in as the sun started to rise, touching the laundry on the floor—the bedroom was a mess. She’d clean that later. She told herself that every day as she had less and less time to herself and devoted more to Lucy.

Speaking of which, why didn’t she wake up to her blaring alarm? She opened her eyes to look at the clock, and sighed. It was at least an hour after she set her alarm; either she didn’t hear it, or it never went off. A quick glance to her left and at the empty side of the bed told her it was the latter. Ienzo must have woken up a long time ago.

She pushed herself out of bed, and put on the nearest bathrobe as she started walking out of the bedroom. Even if the house was quiet, something that rarely happened nowadays, she still needed to check on Lucy, and feed her.

-- 

Years ago, when she came back to Saint Petersburg from the Keyblade War as someone neither of them recognized, she couldn’t foresee this future. She had to heal, and try to see something beyond the next day. It was frustrating, slow, and heartbreaking—never mind the nightmares that added terror to the mix. She learned healing was a process, not an end goal, and that neither of them were these perfect people anymore, and they never were to begin with. In the end, they found solace in one another knowing that.

“She doesn’t look at me like I’m a monster that needs to be killed.” 

“He doesn’t look at me expecting me to be better by now.”

They stayed together, and their relationship improved. It started out as quiet, minding one another’s space and remembering what it was like to live together again. A few weeks later, the sass came back in the middle of making dinner—Kairi didn’t stop herself from grinning at the pout on Ienzo’s face. Their relationship later reached the point where Ienzo smiled around her often, and the cold outside couldn’t stop them from clasping hands. Giggles and laughs bounced off the walls of Ienzo’s house as they told each other stories, and silence erupted while they sat and read together. By the time Kairi’s injury healed more, they danced in the middle of the living room to music the rest of Saint Petersburg would find unusual—Ienzo occasionally did. 

Months into living with her, Ienzo told Kairi that he loved her. She reciprocated those feelings, and she told him just that.

Another several months, Kairi knelt down on the ground, proposed to him as snow fell around them. 

“Let me finish before you say anything, okay? I just… we’ve been through a lot. You were so awful when I first met you—I didn’t even think you were a person. But, I decided to get to know you, and I learned that there was more. I grew to like you, and want to be around you, even if you didn’t want to talk all of the time. I don’t know when I started liking you, but I did—you’re oblivious, so I can’t ask you when.” Ienzo frowned as she giggled nervously before coughing. “And you’re adorably handsome, so that helps. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I love you, I care about you, and I really want to spend my life with you. So…” She pulled a box out of her pocket, revealing a simple ring since she knew nothing else would do. “Will you marry me, Ienzo?” 

Waiting for Ienzo to give her his petrified stare before running into a Corridor as far away from her, she bit her lip. No, she couldn’t look—she had to close her eyes. She dumped all of these feelings onto him, ruined a good day, and they both knew that he didn’t do commitment. Marriage wasn’t on the table. He could barely do romance. Hadn’t they discussed this already? Please don’t run. Please at least stay. Please at least let the no be gentle, and don’t ru— 

“Yes.”

What. She opened one eye, but didn’t look at his face.

“Yes, I will.”

He wasn’t running, and he was saying yes. Kairi opened both eyes, and met his gaze. 

“Are you going to put that ring on my finger, or will I have to?”

“Sassbutt.” She stood up, and slid the ring onto his hand, which immediately found hers.

The wedding that occurred about a year and a couple months later in Destiny Islands went well. It was small, only for their closest friends and family. Shortly afterward, they moved to the islands after much deliberation. No other world proved to be safer according to Ienzo—he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t be recognized in others, and Radiant Garden, while his original home, made his heart ache with every thought.

It surprised Kairi that he would settle in a world that, in his own words, “I may just melt in one of these days,” or just settle at all that wasn’t Saint Petersburg with his grandmother. He loved it there. Why leave a life he seemed to like, and pursue a different path all together?

She found the answer in Lucy before she was born. They brought up children many times before they married, and even before they dated. Ienzo seemed adamantly against it for countless reasons. He wouldn’t know how to be parent. He didn’t want to die early and leave his child to be an orphan like him—because that would be what happened. Monsters couldn’t be good parents. He didn’t want his child to die, and have to learn what it was like to lose someone all over again. What if Xehanort came back? What if a new enemy appeared? What if his child learned who he really was? And on and on the reasons went.

Somewhere along the line, and she didn’t know when it happened, he changed his mind. He wanted a family.

“You’re sure about this? You’re not going to back of this, and leave?” 

“No, I will not.”

“Because you don’t get to do that. You have to stay no matter what happens.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to raise them on my own. I don’t want to have to explain to everyone, especially our child when they’re older, that you ran away because it got too hard, and went who knows where. I don’t want you to break their heart.”

“I won’t go anywhere. I will stay.”

“I’m just… concerned. You were so sure that you didn’t want children, and I understood why, and I was fine with it. What changed?”

He took a minute to think before answering. “This will sound absurd, but I thought of what my parents were like. They were ecstatic to have a child in their lives. My mother told me I was the best thing that happened to them. I consider that, and their life. They were terrified in Radiant Garden. They ran away from everything they knew, and everyone they loved. They did not know if Rasputin would chase them. Nevertheless, they had me, and did not once regret it.” He smiled at Kairi, blinking a few times. “I may not be in any way close to them, but I want to have something they did: a family.” 

Kairi stared at him for several seconds, stunned. It did not take long, however, before she smiled back. “It took long enough for you to get some optimism. How many years?”

“And you wonder why I never wanted to be honest with you.”

“I’m glad you decided to be. This is big of you, and I’m proud of you.”

“That does not mean I am not still terrified.”

“I know.” She held his hand, their fingers intertwined. “That’s what I’m here for.”

--

Kairi started her adventure by leaving Destiny Islands, and learning to become a Keyblade Master in order to help stop Xehanort. As she went about her quest, she met a man in the castle of Radiant Garden turning people into Heartless. This man, in her eyes, was nothing more than a monster, someone who needed to be locked up because he was just like Xehanort: he saw people as nothing more than tools, a means to an end, and he had the personality to match. Not only that, but he was the one that tried to kill Riku, and nearly succeeded. What could she possibly like about him?

She learned, and quicker than most, that wasn’t the right question to ask. She needed to ask different ones. What happened to make him like this? What was he like before? What did he like to do? Where did he like to do? What did he like to eat? What didn’t he like to eat? Did he like to do anything else but read and make wiseass remarks? What made him laugh? What made him sad? What could possibly turn a human being into a monster like Xehanort?

He was a human being, not a monster.

She spent time with him in-between training and missions learning everything she could. Of course, he did the same when he was with her. With time, they could list each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but wouldn’t dare to use them against one another—because that would be a betrayal of trust. They weren’t quite friends, but they were beyond acquaintances. Eventually, the label of friendship fit as they started to learn what it was like to throw pillows at each other for no other reason other than ‘you said something stupid’, or dealing with each other’s nightmares. Progressing to something more felt natural to her, but odd to him—he didn’t know what to make of it. He ran almost every time she tried. 

And now, as she opened the door to the nursery, she couldn’t be happier she met him, and that she ran after him. He didn’t hear the creak of the wood, nor did he glance up to see her. No, those blue eyes that once knew only how to glare watched their newborn daughter with amazement as he sat with her in a rocking chair. One foot made the chair rock as Lucy cooed, and smiled back at her father. It appeared she was indeed awake, but Kairi didn’t need to worry about feeding her.

“You shut off my alarm,” she said, catching Ienzo’s attention. Startled, his head snapped up.

“Is that terrible?” he replied with a grin.

“Well, now that I know Lucy’s okay, no.” She walked over to stand about a foot away, leaving enough room for the chair to continue rocking. “You did feed her, right?”

“Yes I did. You can sleep more if you wish.”

“No, I’m fine. I like being with you two.” She didn’t feel the need to say anything more, deciding to bask in the moment. She had her healthy, beautiful daughter, and her husband in the same room with her. She lived for the sound of coos and the rocking chair and the occasional doting in Russian that she could sort of understand. She couldn’t care less that laundry coated her bedroom floor, or that neither of them finished the dishes from yesterday. No, right now: she lived for this.