its me. im the rat from the secret sexy rat drawer

maybe if the asmr video is stupid silly enough I'll be able to forget so I can sleep

why do the sounds suddenly sound bad

I've been so saddled with increasing pain discomfort and lack of control over my own mind for the past ten years that I've not only forgotten what it felt like to not have to deal with anything like that but the time I almost killed myself in uni feels like a distant unrecoverable blip before i fell into the abyss where my primary feeling about it isn't 'thank god I reckvered' but 'i guess I got used to everything becoming that level of bad' I really don't know how to get out of everything and dammit im trying my best but its so futile

im kind of desperate to have meds so i can work like even a little more like a normal person in this time of my life where speed and perfection is of the essence and I have insurmountable crunch but im also scared of the fear of either everything getting worse and harder to control or like. nothing changing and feeling like it's another thing thatll not change anything for me that gets my hopes up for nothing. and like I'm scared for if I get the titration process soon because it'll be a huge pain in the ass and super hard for me to schedule around my crumbling health and add a huge amount of stress I don't need onto my already full plate of mental instability and have the risk of getting meds removed from me as punishment if I can't keep up with the expectations and anxiety filled video calls but im also afraid the indefinitely wait could go on for months or even years with my brain wasting away even further. like none of these options excite me. im just scared and confused about another big thing that feels insurmountable and important to fix

i think it's fun asf that everyone that makes asmr seemingly has a different method of doing inaudible whispers. and that when its just about possible to do so some people can understand them and some ppl can't . like i usually cant even when the comments say they can which is interesting. anyway this has intrigued me so long i have like favourites . one person i watch has like a weird way of putting their whole mouth into it and sounding almost alien and one sounds like theyre the vague sensation of rain on water version of beatboxing . its one of those genres where people just end up finding their own ways to do shit so totally different things can feel equally relaxing

jealous asf of the ppl that get to see adolescence of utena cinema rerelease in america i thinkkk it might come to uk cause usually that does happen at least for popular rereleases from certain distributors these days (lucky. never used to get them at all actually its a recent thing) but it'll probably be a random wednesday in like 7 months that ill only know is happening by checking the theatre upcoming schedule every week and being on like 3 mailing lists

call me watanuki the way i have horrendously unmedicated adhd and im too preoccupied with The Circumstances to do gay shit or get out there or leave the house much or take care of myself or have hobbies really

spiritually watanuki is adderall user who sees ghost in yard