You felt a lot. You were sad a lot. But it wasn’t like you had big problems, sure your family wasn’t the best, but they weren’t the worst, you had friends, you had a boyfriend even. He was the perfect boyfriend. So why were you still sad?

You didn’t tell Hyunjin about it. You didn’t tell him how you’d cry yourself to sleep at night, you didn’t tell him how you’d wished some days that you just didn’t exist, and you definitely didn’t tell him about how you felt like he couldn’t love you. Even though he told you and reassured you constantly, you felt like for some reason you were unloveable.

You bottled up those feelings, you never needed to tell him, you didn’t want to make him think you were weak, or ruin his day with your sadness. So you pretended, you were good at that, you had learned very early on how to mask your emotions and basically your entire personality from the world.

Hyunjin thought he’d slipped past that mask, to an extent. He knew you had issues you didn’t tell him about, nobody was perfect, and he could see it in the way you’d sometimes open your mouth to say something when the room got quiet between you two. But he never said anything, he waited, he didn’t want to push you, he wanted you to come to him. But you didn’t want to go to him.

Of course Hyunjin had bad days too, you’d seen it. Some days he’d just lay his head in your lap while he ranted about something, or you’d hold him late in the evenings when he just couldn’t keep the tears in. You never made him feel like he couldn’t come to you. And he never made you feel like that either, so why didn’t you go to him?

You finally broke one day, everything had been going wrong, your coffee was wrong but you felt bad correcting the barista, your boss had yelled at you for something you didn’t do, and the crack in the ice was missing the train home. You called Hyunjin after about twenty minutes sitting on a subway bench debating walking home.

You knew he was at practice, and you didn’t want to bother him, but he picked up instantly, “Hey love, I’m at practice what’s up?” He said, and you could hear him slightly out of breath along with distant chatter on the other side of the phone.

“I know, I’m sorry I’ll just call you later.” You said, already regretting calling, you knew he was probably in the middle of learning the new choreography.

“No no love what’s wrong? You wouldn’t be calling me if it wasn’t important. Did something happen?” He said and you hated how easily he read you, even through the phone he knew. You took a deep breath, trying not to break down, everything was just going wrong.

“I missed my train home… But I can just call a taxi.” You said, trying to sound fine, but your voice broke and you had to take another deep breath.

“Oh love, I’m coming, send me your location.” He said almost instantly and you hated the guilt that twisted in your gut. You knew he was at practice, in the middle of it, and he was leaving, for you.

“No no it’s really fine Jin.” You tried to argue but your voice said it all and he was not having it.

“I’m on my way, we’re not arguing about this.” He said and you heard a door close from the other side of the room.

Not even twenty minutes later he was there, he pulled you into a hug instantly, and your body shook. You held your tears in, at least until you got into the car. Once you two were both in the car though you broke, hot tears flooding down your cheeks.

Hyunjin paused for a moment, he realized he’d never seen you cry before, he was extremely underprepared too. “Hey, love.” He started, placing his hand on your shoulder. “Hey it’s okay.” He then decided it would be better to just hold you, so he did the best he could with the console between you two.

“I’m sorry.” You started, and you weren’t even sure what you were apologizing for, for crying, for making him come get you, for not opening up sooner? Maybe all of it, all you knew was guilt was tearing at you along with the rest of your feelings you’d been bottling up.

“Love, why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong.” He said, his voice soft and comforting. “It’s okay, I’m right here, just let it out.” He said, pressing your head against his chest.

After you had calmed down enough to wipe away your tears, although Hyunjin had done it for you, he drove the two of you back to your apartment. He took your bag, your coat, everything for you, even going as far as putting your shoes on the shelf for you and getting out your favorite pjs, which happened to be his hoodie and his sweatpants.

You felt guilt and gratitude, you weren’t sure how but you were guilty he was doing all this for you, and so thankful at the same time. It felt a little nice to be taken care of, besides the sickening feeling in your gut still. It wasn’t going away anytime soon it seemed.

You two ended up just cuddled on the couch, snacks and drinks on the coffee table for the two of you and some random drama in the background. Hyunjin was playing with your hair, you were practically purring against him like a cat. “Muse,” he started and you looked up at him. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, and you looked away for a moment.

You took a deep breath, you opened your mouth to speak but then closed it again, the same thing Hyunjin had seen many times, too many times. He let his hand still in your hair but it didn’t move away, if anything it held you there so you couldn’t run away.

“You don’t have to love, but I think it would be better to tell me.” He said, watching you with those soft loving eyes you adored. “You know it’s normal to feel, and talk about your feelings.” He said, and there might have been a hint of a joke in there but you didn’t even see it, not now while he’s being so… Perfect.

“I feel like it’s… It’s dumb.” You said, shaking your head. He sighed but not an annoyed sigh, just a content sigh, maybe even a loving sigh. Even as you were being complicated.

“I like dumb things. You’re talking to the leader of paboracha.” He said, and it made a sad little giggle fall from your lips, but he saw it, just a sliver of your smile. He’d made you smile, not a fake smile, a real one, which meant he was doing something right.

“I just, I feel like I can’t feel sad.” You said, and Hyunjin was surprised, to say the least, he was also confused. “I feel like… like I’m not allowed to.” You added and he was still confused, how could someone not be allowed to feel sad. “Like my life is so… good? And there’s no need for me to be so sad.” You said and his heart broke a bit at your words.

“Love, you’re allowed to feel sad. Even if nothing bad has ever happened to you. No matter what your feelings are valid.” He said, and he moved his hand from your hair to hold your hand tightly. “Some days are just sad days, and that’s okay.” He said, his voice soft as he squeezed your hand.

You nodded slowly, trying to wrap your head around the concept. Yeah it made sense, but it didn’t make it easier to put into practice. “You know you can talk to me about these things.” He added, and you looked up at him again. 

“I know, I just… It makes me feel bad.” You said, and he looked confused again. “I feel guilty coming to you, I know you have a lot on your plate, you know.” You explained, he still looked confused and he shook his head.

“No, love I don’t feel guilty when I come to you about my issues. Because we’re in a relationship, it’s normal to go to your partner about your issues.” He said, and you nodded, slowly, like you were still grasping the concept. “If my partner made me feel bad for coming to them about my problems I wouldn’t be with them.” He said, and then proceeded to reassure you, “Which is why I’m still with you. Because you don’t make me feel bad when I talk to you about these things.” He said, making sure you didn’t take it the wrong way.

“Please love, come to me when you’re sad, or happy, or anything.” He said, squeezing your hand again. “I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about these things, and I don’t want you to feel guilty.” He said, his voice was genuine, his eyes still soft in that loving way.

You slowly nodded, leaning into him more, your body relaxing into him. “It was a bad day today Hyun.” You said, and he squeezed your hand.

“Yeah baby? Tell me about it.” He suggested, and you did. You told him about the barista, and he told you that you’re allowed to correct someone. You told him about your boss, and he told you that you shouldn’t have put up with it and should have said something about it. And when you told him about the train he told you that you could call him for anything, even if you just wanted to hear his voice, even if you just wanted to know if he needed something from the grocery store.

Of course you still felt guilty, at first, but then somehow, you felt less guilty, you actually felt comfortable going to him. You felt like you could tell him anything, and he never judged, no matter how silly it was.

This was my first actual attempt at gn reader everyone cheer! I needed some comfort today and I really enjoyed writing this!