AshtonsPlan.xo

I feel like I can’t breathe. 

Curled up on the floor, gasping for breath. 

I am trapped inside my own head. 

Worried about a future that is not mine. 

Calling bullshit, only pushes you away. 

Broken promise. 

Meaning nothing. 

Darkness swallows you whole.

Hands shaking. 

Afraid to lose, but afraid to love. 

Heart always broken. 

Trying to imagine being alone. 

Can’t think about you not in it. 

Can’t get off the floor. 

I'm not special, just a simple broken person. 

She’s your soulmate. 

You’re mine. 

I am just trying to be enough. 

If you saw all my dark and scary parts, would you run away? 

Seeing your hurt. 

Feeling helpless. 

I can’t do anything about this.

I would break my heart to fix yours. 

I’m trying to write the perfect story. 

You are worthy. 

You are important. 

Don’t make me think about a world that you’re not in with me. 

You have things to deal with. 

You have skeletons in your closet that you have to confront. 

I am just saying I am going to be sitting here. 

Are you trying to ghost me? 

Are you trying to walk away from me? 

Do you think this is what is best? 

Are you trying to protect me? 

Your mask is useless here. 

I can see you spiraling. 

I can see the wall behind your eyes. 

I need to stop checking. 

I need to stop looking it up. 

I can smell you everywhere. 

I can hear you when I close my eyes. 

I am going down a rabbit hole.

Knowing we don’t have much.

Longing for the things you don’t have.

Forgetting about what is right in front of you.

I promised positivity, 

but my heart is black.

Some days I feel like I can’t breath

Stuck under and looking for Light.

Love reminds me I am not alone

Although it is found in the strangest of places.

A friends love, 

can be just as comforting. 

Holding on to him. 

Is it out of love and not wanting to losing him,

Or am I scared to be alone?

Understanding our time

Knowing we don’t have much.

Am I living life to the fullest,

I used to think you were important.

Now I can see how very wrong I was.

Loving you

it took everything from me.

It took me. 

My love of small and simple things. 

My understanding of trust and compassion.

My knowledge of who I was.

The way you left.

Left me with no way forward. 

I was stuck in a glass box.

Seeing everything on the outside.

Not being able to find a way to touch the beauty, or hear the song. 

Missing you was like a hurricane. 

I didn’t know how to find solid ground.

There was no up.

There was no down.

The key was in me all along. 

I opened the boxes door a long time ago.

But now I have taken my first step out. 

Everything right outside of the box, still feels a little foggy. 

Colors aren’t quite as bright. 

Sounds don’t seem quite the same. 

Feelings are still untrusted. 

but I can see the light. 

The box was so dark, so unnerving.

Eerie and cold were the shadows inside. 

But, I’m all better now. 

I make no apologies for fixing what you left behind broke. 

I am not the same person.

I left those pieces in the box. 

You taught me a lesson. 

It was the luck of the draw. 

Now I want different. 

I see what is good, and left what wasn’t.

You were a hard lesson to learn.

In the last year (From November 2021- until now) I have been through quite a lot. Maybe not a lot compared to others standards... but A LOT for me. 

Starting off, I was not fond of the idea of turning 30. I felt like I had accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. Unmarried. Still single. No kids. Still live at home. The only real thing that I feel I have done is graduate college. [Miami University, is still to this day one of my favorite places to be. Campus is my happy place. My home away from home.] I fell into a deep depression. 

Around this time, an unexpected person popped back into my life after 15 years. My middle school best friend. He and I always had a thing for each other, it just never worked out for us. One of us was always dating someone and we honestly didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship over it. He was going through a divorce, I was going through a deep, dark and scary time period, yet somehow we still couldn’t stay away from each other. Nothing ever happened physically, but emotional, we had formed a connection. I fell. Hard. Even against my better judgement. Neither one of us was in a good headspace. He walked away. It killed me, but now looking back on it, I know he did it to protect me. 

However, it sent my already fragile mental health into a tailspin. (and yes, I can hear the hate now, “never fall for a married man”, yes I know that, but against my better judgement it happened. Or “Never let a man bring you down like that” or “You’re a strong beautiful woman, I cannot believe you let someone do that to you.” Trust me, I know all of this) I was depressed. I was in a very low, low, and dark scary place. 

If it wasn’t for my bestfriend and God-given angel, I am sure I would still be sitting in that dark scary place. But she was there. Everyday. Somedays she would send me a different dad joke or funny meme every 20 minutes and some days she would literally come and lay on my floor with me all day. Saying nothing and just holding my hand. Then, it got to a point she started making me do things. She would randomly show up and make me shower and then whisk me off to a new book store. Or take me to lunch. Or just make me sit outside for half an hour. 

In April 2022, I started to feel myself come out of this foggy scary place. 

In June 2022, I lost my best friend. She passed away unexpectedly. 

I couldn’t function for an entire month. I am not saying I am functioning now, but I am getting better at pretending to be okay. Most mornings I still wake up and start crying because I instantly think of her. In the immortal words of Samantha Jones, “We made a deal ages ago. Men, Babies, It doesn’t matter. We’re Soulmates.” That was us. Her husband even nicknamed me, “Side Chick” because it was always us. 

I mourned. Now, I am trying to move on. 

Me sitting here in my dark and scary place, wallowing and not living life would PISS HER OFF! I can feel her spirit haunting me, mad about the way I am living (or in this case, not living) my life. She wouldn’t want this for me. 

This also feels like a good place to decide what I actually want. Not what other want for me. Not pieces I thought would be good for me back then, but aren’t actually serving me now. I have felt an entire shift in myself. Like the Taylor Swift song says, “The Old Taylor can’t come to the phone now. Why? Because she’s dead.” My soul feels like it has shed a skin, and it’s not the same anymore, it’s completely new. Completely renewed. 

I am so looking forward to finding out who this new me is, and this is where I am going to document that journey. Plus on my youtube channel.   

In touch with the universe

hearing her call

Can I love myself enough? 

Or will I fall? 

Knowing that I deserve more, I am not just a booty call. 

Treat me with respect, don’t brush my feelings aside. 

Get to know me, take me out and show me off. 

Build a relationship with me, and show me you care. 

Needing a best friend, 

missing you is hard.

I want to reach out, 

But I know that I shouldn’t.

I need time to be me,

You need time to heal.

Our paths don’t work anymore,

But I can’t help the way that I feel. 

Walking away,

its the only option now. 

Down this path I go,

There are things that I want to know that I have no business asking. 

There are things that I want to ask, but I wont. 

There are things that I won’t say, because at the present time it is not my place. 

You have declared it not my place.

Yet I still cannot seem to shake you.

My heart still won’t walk away. 

One of these days I am going to tell you, I LOVE YOU. 

One of these days, I am going to get to call you mine. 

One of these days I hope to make you happy. 

One of these days I am going to hold you close and remind you it was always meant to be us, and why it never worked with anyone else.