Persephone

if you’re reading this i’m not sure if i’ll still be here

To mom: i thank you for everything you have given to me in life, for supporting my sister and i, for staying strong in the toughest of times, for showing me that even in the toughest time you didn’t give up on us, and for trying so hard to make us succeed, and i’m sorry i had to do this to you, i’m sorry i have to put you in even more pain, im sorry that i chose to be selfish when you yourself are falling apart. i’m sorry i couldn’t be the daughter you wanted me to be, i love you mom.

To dad: i hate that you were never there for me, it hurt me more than i would ever show and admit. i was always jealous of kids with a dad, i’m not so sure why you’re like this, but i hope someday i’ll see you become sober and happy.

To vince: thank you so much for everything you’ve given me, thank you for all the times you’ve loved me when i struggled to do that myself, thank you for making me a better person, i’m sorry i put you through so much pain. i’m sorry i failed you. i love you.

To Adiris: thank you for being my friend. thank you for supporting me never failing to make me laugh. you are such a wonderful human being and deserve to keep being you. i love ya

To olly: i thank you so much for trying your hardest to help me, thank you for caring for me when i wasn’t being the greatest person. you’re such a kind person and have so much more potential than you think you do, keep being the careful and caring perosn you are okay? i love you bestie.

To moss: i’m sorry i treated you horribly, you’re also going through a tough time and you didn’t deserve the pain i brought on to you. you’re such an upbeat person and you are like a sunshine. thank you for being one of my closest friends.

To wren: i didn’t know you for long but i’m so glad i met you and am glad moss has someone as wonderful and caring as you. you both are such a perfect match and i hope but nothing for the best for both of you.

To korai: i’m gonna miss you. i haven’t talked much with you lately but you always found a way to make light out of tough situations and always were cheerful about it, makes me wonder how someone like you exists, makes me wonder why everyone can’t be like you.

To sam: thank you for being there for me since we were kids, thank you for being with me through the worst times in my life. thank you for being there for me when i felt like nobody wanted to be my friend. im sorry i had to leave you hanging like this. i truly am. i’m sorry i wasn’t always the best person.

to everyone else who might see this

It’s all i feel at the moment, it’s the only way i am able to describe the pain the world has given me.

i never knew it would happen again.

Falling in love again? and i was in deep…

the feeling of falling in love felt so wonderful…

lt felt so magical, it made me feel emotions i’ve never ever felt before, it made me smile and filled with joy.

i’ll never forget our first encounter.

i remember meeting you and telling you “i’ll sell you to satan for a corn chip!”

in that moment i had a good feeling about you.

fast forward to where we talked and you went through a tough time, the sadness i felt when you told me you wanted to end it all made me tear up.

i felt so determined to cheer you up help you through this hell hole.

i wanted you to see the light at the end of the tunnel and was determined to make it happen…

we talked and talked more and i admitted my feelings to you but your response was one i was not hoping for, you said you needed time to heal and that you didn’t see me the same.

it hurt more than i could ever admit, but nonetheless i still forced myself to get up and keep going.

after some time you’ve started feeling better, and eventually told me you had feelings for me and that you wanted to take things slow, and we tried but kind of failed and you asked me to be your girlfriend.

i said yes, and you got excited and couldn’t respond so you just told me to give you a minute because you needed to run around your house.

it was the start of a new step in my story and for you.

we talked and call, we laughed and smiled, we cried, we were inseparable.

things were going so well and i felt so happy. but once i knew someone came back from dormancy i knew i was back in hell.

the person i hoped never came back was back, and he was ready to ruin this for me.

the times we argued felt so terrible, i wanted to say what was on my mind but i couldn’t.

it felt like i was being held back by someone and i knew exactly who it was.

i couldn’t speak what i wanted to speak without being threatened to have my own self and family killed, i couldn’t tell anyone, not even you.

i kept thinking to myself that alters can’t have this much power… right?

i was wrong, i was so wrong. he knew what he was doing and what he was capable of…

he made me ruin it just for his own satisfaction.

two days ago he went dormant after going all out.

i felt so happy, i felt like a weight had been lifted of my chest, i felt like i wasn’t being held at gun point anymore.

it finally meant i could communicate with you and care for you and myself.

i got a therapist the same day to help me recover from this.

i felt so prepared and was ready for you to get home so we could call and i could tell you the good news.

but you had other plans.

ever since then my heart felt shattered. the holes in my heart felt bigger than ever.

i lost you, you didn’t want to hurt me and vice versa, you said you didn’t want to repeat the cycle…

i want to break that cycle with you, i want to keep trying and prove to you that things will be different.

i know you’ve made up your mind, and it’s something i still can’t accept, i lost the love of my life.

the pain is so much, the memories hurt, talking with you hurts, everything i do hurts physically and emotionally.

typing this hurts, being alive hurts, i just want you. i wanna wake up next to you, i wanna help myself and be a better person, i want to make you laugh, i want to make you smile, i want to kiss your tears away, i want to comfort you and care for you in our times if needs.

the fucking way you looked into my eyes feels so special. the way you said my name and called me pet names got me everytime.

maybe if i was physically with you it would’ve been different. maybe things would’ve been better.

i can’t believe i lost you, i hate it so much.

i wanted to meet you and be your first kiss, i wanted to marry you and have a special dance.

i wanted to move in with you and wake up next to you and wake you up with kisses.

not being to physically comfort you in these rough time drives me insane.

i just want to heal and for you to do the same.

and i hate having my hopes up so high, but i’m just hoping sooner or later, i will be able to hold you, kiss you, and comfort you the way you did with me.

i’m sorry for all the times i’ve hurt you

i’m sorry for all the times i’ve made you cry

i’m sorry for making you feel like you had to bottle things up just for my own sake.

i’m sorry.

Child: Hey mom what’s gravity falls?

Me: …….

Child: mom?

Me: Mabel go get your brother dipper and your dog waddles. I have a story to share to you. And bring some tissues it’s gonna take a while.