bleed the freak

man you want to believe your suffering is meaningful and not totally in vain you’ll inadvertently end up causing yourself more pain looking for a reason/waiting for some resolution that isn’t there or isn’t coming. how many years of my life gone down the toilet just jerking off to my own suffering. honestly this has been the most sobering (pun intended ) realization so far and brought me closer to finally feeling some semblance of calm

i think for the first time i am feeling some reprieve from the constant fucking emotional turmoil. it definitely doesn’t hurt that much anymore. or maybe it does but i am choosing to ignore it or not indulge it as much. im mostly just getting tired. i am finally feeling some semblance of calm.

I just want to bang my head against a wall bc the pain never goes away. It’s always there. Anytime I appear happy it’s just me trying with all my might to distract myself.

the idea another woman currently has sexual access to him fucks me up so bad

I admire him so deeply it feels like sacrilege to even look at another man or entertain dating he’s like Chris Cornell to me

lost my appetite for the next year basically

i will always miss him. have zero desire to replace him. i am spiritually widowed and at peace with it.

my chest feels so heavy i am in so much pain i find myself praying it’s probably for nothing but real visceral pain is so humbling

Ugh my devotion to this man is borderline religious