天

Before you left, you let snakes go down my throat. I talk like an angel, but deep down I am venomous and ready to kill.

Mother, I think I heard you laugh.

My face red and swollen, because serpents wouldn’t let me breathe. I was crying because no one came to hold me.

Mother, would you be laughing if you knew about my choking?

I screamed “Death! Take me now!” as I tried to hang below those flowery branches. That day, a man has cut me with his knife and laughed at my rejection and uncomfort.

I woke up with the rope still around my neck and I was right next to him in bed.

Mother, what’s like to be the devil?

What’s it like to be named after so pure, but in reality be like a weed? I’m sure you killed without hesitating.

My face, your face, are alike. My anger and yours, hot and very similar. My envy and greed and yours, identical. Why must I be cursed to be like you?

If I wanted, I could choke myself to death again. I’ll screamed “I don’t want to be the devil!” Although I had unknowingly, and unconsciously followed your steps.

At least I am ashamed for acting like a wild animal.

Mother, the day you cried, you did not care. You walked away.

I was helpless. The wound, the mistake. My father was helpless.

My aunt was furious. My brothers and sister, confused. It was meteoroid impact on the moon.

How could I call you my mother when all I learned is the knife carried in your hand?

Like her death, I burned, burned, burned.

I watched my son burn.

And I swore I’ll kill a thousand of his people. For my husband, who has not done one thing for his boy.

I took his woman and their children. I took his court, his palace walls, his citizens, until everything were in ashes. Their screams, like a harmony hummed with passion. And then, the wind sang its solo.

I watched the breakdown of a tyrannical king. He ripped his neck open, and howled. He echoes “What have you done!?” I said, “My revenge.” I watched the excessive pride in a man die an instant death.

His eyes melted into blood like his father, Izanagi.

一。 In the moonlight, I run in a field of colorful flowers. In shades of red, pink, blue, yellow, orange and violet.

二。 In this dream, there is only tranquility. You and me, content in this imaginary world where there isn’t a melancholic moment. The stars above us twinkle brightly and tell us stories. We read them, and the rotating hemisphere is like a page of a book turning.

三。 This fantasy is crushed by the hammer of reality. You and I, no longer in the same realms. I live among the hydric stars and you live among the field of flowers. I wish I could feel the cold grass underneath my feet, and the fragrance of the flowers fill my lungs and refresh my body.

四。 So many times, I wished to live in the moonlight. Why didn’t I think I would miss the delights of the sleeping earth?

Fifteen phases marks this day.

In fear, I begged to God to take me away. I cried for many nights, and kept my darkest thoughts in a little box. The moon waned, and I held onto my pain. In front of the 30 day old moon, I was happy. The moon waxed, and tears fell. I knew that day was coming. In the greatest agony, I begged to God to kill me.

The full moon, illuminated more than what I’ve ever witnessed, pushed the walls around me and they rolled like ocean waves. Me, small and vulnerable, was then exposed to God. He could’ve aimed his arrow to my heart.

I drank the elixir of life, gold smeared on my lips, and the taste of honey that lingered onto my tongue.

My mortal status– stripped away.

I wore the feathery robe, and thought, “I go.”

Free like a bird, free from the dirtiest land. I am free from the constructed and corrupted society of man. I am free from the heaviest thoughts of my mind and heart. I let go.

But I do not let go of the love from a mother and a father.

My father, who took me to my first home and became a wall to protect me. My mother, who was soft and kind, raised me to be firm but gentle. They were the first kinds of love I experienced. I was too comfortable with their love, and I refused all the other kinds. Nothing can replace my first love.

I desperately cling onto what’s left of me.

“I go,” I tell myself as my mind resets. It was like a bright light slowly flashed through my eyes, and then I felt nothing.

“I go,” I tell myself as I forget about selfish, in vain and superficial love from men.

“I go,” I tell myself as I’m leaving behind my childhood, my memories, my lessons, my home and my love all behind for a new beginning.

I looked down at the marble of hazy blue and green.

I thought to myself,“Who would ever think flying away could be a heavy journey.”

二。The first time I was kissed, I didn’t noticed I was blindfolded. By the second kiss, my wrists were tied. And by the third kiss, I am stripped down, my legs impure. Mama didn’t told me about the things demons could do.

三。Whether short tempered, gentle, loud, sensitive, or modest, they’re all the same. They either ask for the keys or they come in with hammers. And they take and take. With every demon I’ve kissed, they all robbed my mirror of purity, my book of trust, my lamp of hope and my journal of sanity.

四。 Flowers of exhaustion, diamonds of pretend, cigarettes of anger and a mirror of impurity are replaced. My door is replaced with suspicion. I’m harder to love and stricter to who sees me. This is the way Mama probably would’ve liked but also worried the most.

五。I am too hard on this world. Everyone, temporary beings, who roam around endlessly on hurting others. Some had hurt me too. Recently, a demon made of glass and soft feathers. Whose embrace I felt the safest in.

六。They make you feel like heaven. I was lying on the highest cloud with the crown of stars feeling like the only queen. They make you feel things that aren’t usual in daily life. Like the unusual height of self-esteem, and the overwhelming love for the littlest things. They worship you. They make you feel like the only perfect beings on earth.

七。Mama told me,“You are beautiful and complete on your own.” I know, but it was not enough. He made me feel your words, but snatched them away. It was like he pulled off my starry crown and ran off. My heaven gone, and a desert is home now. You were right to be aware of those demons. They lure in their prey and either rip their guts out or suffocate them to death. I am lucky to get out of it alive.