Master of Procrastination

Famous East Blue Pet Shop Reopens

By: Iyan’eno Chinode - February

Following a scourge of piracy that left Orange Town in tatters by Buggy the Clown, CHOU-CHOU’S PET SHOP has […] reopened in memory of the late Hocker, who previously manned the shop before his passing.

[Named?] as a popular tourist and commerce destination for pet owners and lovers alike, Mayor Boodle had this to say to the [WEJ?], “We are still very much rebuilding in the wake of a terrible tragedy, but I am just floored by the town’s commitment to get this shop back up and running. And of course, little Chou Chou is happy now,” the Mayor said, praising the eponymous canine.

The town has plans to erect a statue in honor of the terrier […], and local bookstore owner Poro […] that they’re planning several additional expansions to the shop and expect construction to last roughly two years.

They’re reportedly considering putting a […] on the […] of Chou-Chou as well! We later asked Mayor Boodle about the significance of the accessory, but the Mayor declined to answer.

Alabasta Royal Army Switches Sides!

Alabasta Kingdom Rebellion for Change! Sandy Island, Paradise, The Grandline

Civilian-led Rebellion Gains The Advantage

By: Big News Morgans

The tides are turning in Alabasta, as thousands of royal soldiers switch sides to join the rebellion. Our boots on the ground suggest that roughly half of King Nefertari Cobra’s personal forces resigned their posts this week in favor of the civilian-led rebellion.

Originally, the King’s army was able to keep the rebels contained. Still, now, with the Royal Army divided, the tide has turned in favor of the newly bolstered Rebel Army led by the regent of Yuba’s militant son, Koza, who refused to comment on this developing story.

Once known as a benevolent and fair ruler, Nefertari Cobra has been steadily losing the faith of his people for the better part of two years. Okome [/Okame], a resident of Alubarna, had this to say about the ongoing situation, “The King has lost his mind after the princess disappeared.

Nothing has been the same since!” Referring to the disappearance of Princess Nefertari Vivi now exactly two years ago. Amidst a cacophony of conspiracy theories, collusion has long been suspected as the Princess conveniently flew the coop around the same time as the Nanohana Incident, which started the accusations that Nefertari Cobra was allegedly importing and abusing the long-banned crop, “Dance Powder,” to steal rain clouds from neighboring areas to favor His palace.

A member of Koza’s camp, Falafra [/Farafra], doubled down on these accusations, saying that a relative was present during the Nanohana Incident two years ago, igniting his flame to join the Rebel Army. Falafra ended his comment with, “We will end this drought by any means necessary.”

When asked to comment, the acting captain of the Alabasta Royal Guard, Chaka, has this to say, “As my King always says, ‘A country is its people,’ and he has never had anything but their best interests in mind.

We hope that Koza will accept our invitation for an audience with His Majesty to resolve this swiftly and amicably.” However, the consensus on the other side is that no audience is necessary.

Rather, the people are intent on having the King answer for his crimes and are determined to demonstrate that they are, in fact, the country. Division is simple math, so if you’re looking to hedge any bets, this bird wouldn’t bet on a snake.

[Above section repeats twice with some slightly different wording: more use of “rebellion” rather than Rebel Army; 300,000 personal guard troops resigning rather than vague “thousands”].

All searches have returned negative, and the organization operating this hunt is said to dissolve this month. The King’s actions following her disappearance have been nothing short of suspicious, having had multiple chances to halt the rumor mill, but instead, conveniently choosing to avoid the simple question, “When was the last time you saw your daughter?” The Royal Guard generally refrains from commenting as well, likely mandated to follow the King’s sordid intent to keep this scandal alive.

If foul play, as suspected, occurred, the statute of finding clues to Nefertari Vivi’s whereabouts has long expired. Not that we should expect Nefertari Cobra, of all people, to be amenable to the World Government snooping around his lofty palace in Alubarna. He’s clearly too busy pushing back the ongoing rebellion in his country. However, if certain rumors are true, Alabasta’s corrupt king may not be holding on to his advantage for much longer.

Iceburg of Water 7 Voted Grand Line’s Favorite Mayor

By: Iyan’eno Chinode - February

The World Economy News Paper recently held our […] poll for your favorite mayor in the Grand Line, and the results are in!

To […] no one’s surprise, the President of the Galley-La Corporation and Water Seven’s very own, Mayor Iceburg, has won for the fifth year in a row! When asked for a comment, Iceburg turned to our boots on the ground and said, “Oh, hello, I’m not here today,” before disappearing into his estate. Later, his secretary, Kalifa, stepped out to say, “The mayor is humbled and honored by the admiration not only in Water Seven but across the sea as well.

Thank you.” A celebration in his honor was held last night at Liguria Plaza where Iceburg made a brief and rare appearance to purchase some Mizu Mizu Meat for all the attendees! We love you, Iceburg!

Crimin and Doskoi Panda Rivalry Heats Up!

By: Iyan’eno Chinode

In every major city up and down the Grand Line and across the blues, the question on the street is, “Who are you wearing?” Well, at least, if I’m the one asking!

High-end fashion giant Doskoi Panda might be in trouble because Criminal Brand is not only making waves across the seas, it’s coming for the crown!

Aside from Crimin beating Doskoi Panda in key battleground categories such as affordability, comfort, and unique styling, Crimin is effortlessly dominating the zeitgeist by providing the most important certification of all. Confidence! And part of that has to be due to how grassroots Crimin has been, to the point were no one has ever seen nor heard from the mysterious founder and designer, Monsieur Pappagu.

It’s said that his [sole focus?] is the art, which is far more than can be said for newcomer brand, Cyber Panda.

At first, I believed Cyber Panda was just Doskoi trying to compete with Crimin by rebranding into an affordable market, but turns out their prices are outrageous!

And despite both having Panda in the name, they’re not even affiliated with Doskoi at all! Or so they say… Either way, my mind hasn’t changed. “Quality markets itself,” and Crimin, having done basically none, has found its audience.

Let’s just hope Monsieur Pappagu knowns how to stay grounded!

Jewelry Bonney Leaves a Trail of Injured Seniors and Children

Another New Menace In The South Blue

By: Big News Morgans - February

Another gluttonous menace has shown up in the South Blue with little to no regard for the Pangea Government’s laws protecting women, children, and seniors from […] pirate attacks.

Suspected to hail from the Kingdom of Sorbet, recent reports from Tumi and Baterilla have Jewelry Bonney […] as almost exclusively targeting retirees and toddlers any chance she gets.

With that said, if you reside in South Blue, this is your formal warning to hide your young and elderly in an attempt to […], or at the very least, […] down this psychopath’s spree.

With Jewelry Bonney’s current rampage and all of the recent civilian casualties by the Kidd Pirates, it would seem as though the South Blue can not catch a break as of late.

The World Economic News Paper shares our […] for those affected by the tragedies in the South Blue.

*Barbara Troy is the late mother of OPLA visual artist Randy Troy. This article is in remembrance of her, and contains some interesting Water 7 tidbits.

Water 7 Celebrates Local Hero: Barbara Troy

Big-Hearted Bartender Leaves Lasting Legacy.

By: […]

Mugs are in the air in Blueno’s Bar in Water 7 as the city remember one of its most colorful mainstays, Barbara Troy.

The former owner and operator of Barbara’s Bar has transitioned into the next stage of life at just [73? 75?] years young. She is survived by her loving son, Randy, daughter-in-law, Chrissy, and grandson, Mars. To the people of Water 7, she was a local hero who dedicated her life to the service of others, always putting their needs ahead of her own.

Most notably by keeping everyone hydrated during Aqua Laguna preparations, leading rescue efforts, and by setting up various charities for those affected by the storms each and every year for over fifty years. Barbara notably sacrificed her left leg three decades ago, helping a family get to higher ground, and when doctors told her she’d never walk again, Barbara said, “Watch me.”

With the help of dock workers pitching in and crafting a new prosthetic leg for Mrs. Troy, she was back on the front lines during the storm the following year and every year after, never retiring. Even after selling her world-famous […] four years ago to her former employee, Blueno, she […].

Barbara Troy was a selfless and luminous presence, hard to […], harder to forget, […] and funny, […] would always go the extra mile for a laugh, but more than all of these things, she was kind.

Barbara Troy will be missed, and her son, Randy, had this to say, “Mom defied the impossible to make sure that we knew anything was possible. She’s an everlasting inspiration, and I’m just thankful to have had the time that I had with her.

Thank you, Mom.” Her former employee turned employer, Blueno, said, “When I […] to the city, I only had the shirt on my back. Barbara took me in, knowing nothing about me. She gave me a job, a career.