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bella

edward

emmett

rosalie

alice

jasper

esme

carlisle

Emmett:

edward at the bottom of the ocean after one of rosalie’s roasts hits too deep:

edward having to choke up the piece of pizza like a cat with a hairball

edward being the moody teenager of the family, complete with emmett’s big brother energy and esme’s clear favoritism towards her youngest

when he’s like “oh, i see. bella’s insane. i guess i’ll get her the best doctors then and visit her in the hospital often”

jasper and emmett acting as edward’s side mirrors when the actual mirrors fall off the stolen car

esme making edward mop the floor

edward going to bella’s house for the first time because he thinks a meteorite might kill her

carlisle forcing them to attend the funeral every time they fuck up and kill someone

finding out both charlie and renee have strange minds as well and edward just… never mentioned it?

emmett and jasper not letting edward play board games with them

this happens in twilight too, but bella asking about sex mere hours after their first kiss is still hilarious

edward preparing himself for bella to run screaming when he sparkles

edward’s victorian ass getting horny when he sees bella’s ankle for the first time at prom

Bella: Your eyes are a different color, did you get contacts?

Edward: Uh haha yeah I did. I think they look pretty cool.

Edward: *stops the car and saves Bella* Hey are you ok? *stands up, pretends his arm hurts* Awesome I’m gonna get this looked at now.

*Tells Carlisle. Comes back to school with arm in a cast and sling*

Bella: How did you stop that car? You were amazing.

Edward: Well sadly I wasn’t bit by a radioactive spider and I don’t have superpowers. Doctor said it was an adrenaline rush, it’s a common natural response to life or death situations. Basically it maximizes your body’s physical capabilities. So yeah it’s like temporary super strength and speed. Crazy shit.

Bella: You’re so cold. I can’t feel your pulse.

Edward: I have hypothyroidism and bradycardia.

Bella: Aren’t you going to eat something?

Edward: I have to be on a special diet.

Bella: Oh right, your condition, sorry.

with spoilers obviously

when Edward first smells Bella it takes him two pages of inner monologue before he thinks of holding his breath

apparently vampires can run so fast they don’t leave footprints in snow just like LotR elves and this is physics nonsense

Edward listening to a CD of “violent music”

“a word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady” ajlskdflj

Alice to Jasper: “I know you love me. Thanks.”

“And then my conscience smote me.”

“She was offended by my teasing. I must have done it wrong again.”

the “dazzling” moments from the original book are Edward fruitlessly trying to frighten people by baring his teeth I can’t deal

when Bella points this out he thinks “I’m losing my edge”

Edward worries about whether Bella thinks he’s pretty

Bella wears a shirt “cut low enough to reveal her collarbones” 

Edward literally thinks the sparkling will horrify and disgust her

“I avoided the word ‘sex’ because she did” OH GROW UP

“It was enlightening and alluring to watch her in her element” IS THE INTRODUCTION TO A PARAGRAPH OF HER MAKING CHEERIOS

the book. includes. a car chase.

Emmett: yours

Rosalie: disgusting