S9GE

Cracked gaping open holier than then by which way watered when it decided to grow beyond toiling over not really after-party friends

Wake up

Empty without

You

Maybe we could be

Sweet eternity

Maybe we could be

Sweet eternity

All I know

Is nothing

Relevant

Anyway

A sea of waves

We hug the same plank

But I’m falling

Falling alone

The waves suck you in

And I drown

Amidst the undertow

You are the anchor

a head full of items which bled a missed mark on stone roaming the wares we both said we forgot about

dead weights are she loves me nots he choked as he wrote

you and I are the loneliest march casting fore-word shadows feigning all around we dance in dirt

I hope it didn't hurt for you like me knowing its so much worse than I could hardly imagine

who did this? this void without reason sorry excuses cant change cant save you from excusing nothing

such crowns are cast from running mouths that don't last laced up with bad habits the Earth coughed up a white rabbit and so I followed it

but now Ive started to fade the days slip as I dip mortality's finger somewhere deep beneathe the surface I split the seams are simply trying to hold myself together waiting on dreams

one more time

I’m proud of you.

I love you.

You don’t owe me anything.

Not an explanation,

not a debt,

not a lifetime of guilt.

If you ever feel like you do

don’t.

You’ve apologized enough.

I know you mean it.

I see it

in the way you walk forward

instead of circling the wound.

And I’m grateful for that,

even if I’m not

the one

you get to love.

We learn from our mistakes

that’s the real inheritance.

Pain isn’t erased,

it’s repurposed.

The harm we cause

gets paid back

in the kindness we give

to the people who come after.

So thank you

for making it worth something.

And stop turning around.

I’m not back there anymore.

Whoever you knew

died in that house on 42nd.

And then whoever I became

died again.

And maybe again.

And probably will again

soon enough.

That’s how this works.

So when you see me next,

you don’t have to pretend.

Just introduce yourself.

Because whoever is standing

in front of you

will be someone

you’ve never known before.

Acrid is only as good – by my lonely And the mouth of my turmoil It empties

Falling now in slower motions November skies are bruised And I can’t let go, Never let go of you

And I’m all in but empty for a while I’m all in but empty for a while

Every step is softer now the gravity of nothing Promised by the silent way his great escape became Asleep beneath a willow tree I love to say your name

Life is just an empty thing Who am I kidding Stumbling through the after all My wherewithal Totality is lost in you

And I’m all in but empty for a while I’m all in but empty for a while

The sky folds in my world flips upside down

I’m all in but empty for a while

Stumbling down a crooked way All tucked in just wait and see I’ll see you when I can

Nothing left but doubt you’re the ocean through my hands

Heat without a body This smoke it has no flame a fusillade of lessons learned I love to say your name

The sky folds in you are ocean through my hands

Born again please find me when you can

The ocean through my hands

So gone.

I thank you for coming in, for letting me be your friend, for sticking around for one more day— just one, or four.

Thank you for accepting the beckoning force of disillusioned intentions. Sidestepping my worn-out mask— it’s getting pretty weak these days, and that must be confusing for you.

I know it takes its toll. You’re on empty, and I run rich. I know you know that I know you know.

But honestly, I’d rather ignore it. I’d rather be free to be than shackled to somebody else’s agenda for me.

I just hate that.

Albeit— one thing I would do: drag shackles uphill, both ways, four days, three ways, two explanations and one excuse— for you.

Action! My guts are on the floor.

Do you love him like that? Never have I wanted to be so wrong.

I mean, we’re only friends now anyway.

Please God, please let us be cut from different cloths.

I mean— we are

only friends

Bitter arrogance of

absent minded salutations

substitution wearing

Cheap divinations

Like recompense

Perry a me for

Hidden beneath the floor

Boards

Three to the tree

Standardized absolution

Disillusionment no longer abraded brazen is

at the door and

Lovely with karma

To plan it

Allegedly

To host the choke

hold

my heart holds on

in utero

should probably had folded

As if it should’ve known

Without knowing

The sweet taste of

Being wrong about everything

I’ve been here before

It was

Has

Been I washed up on

The shores

Of

The Far side

of my

Hearts is

Not so bright

And Ive become a drought

Blood shot regurgitation

Curdling with agitation

A spitting rumination of

“That’s what it feels like”

As your eyes squeezed tight

And suddenly opened to swallow the moon

You swooned too soon

And I had all ready

…

…

…

There is no state of mind that I fall

any less in love with you

1 fifth deep and I can

only imagine

being deep inside of you

Figuratively speaking, of course,

but I have no remorse,

whatever the case may be

Maybe one day you’ll see

just what you and me

are made of

I just hope I’m not dead,

or happy-less-ly wed

by the time you get here

“You bring me down, you give me a smile, something bout your lovin baby I need it around, gotta give me somethin, you don’t give me nothin, yeah, just give it to me…”

I can’t wait much longer

And I think

I literally might die

Without you.

.

.

.

.

Any

more

Then I have

Two weights

Heavier than

Two waiting

In four places

Trading faces

And ostensibly fallacious

Like a dreamer

Dreaming

Fickle things

Not

Any

More

Well-Thot-out

Than crustaceous secrets

Washed up

for shore

Such tidings

It brings much

Tidings for

lorn

Yet, I’m corn

Born to swarm

Well justified and

Always torn

So waiting is sort of

The thing to do now

screaming, shredded, terrified of losing the ghost of you.

Another piece, numb and hollowed, has already buried you

disillusioned, swaying,

teetering on the edge of a blackened pendulum.

I stagger through my own chest,

torching circles in the cinder-pit of my ribs,

where grief blooms like gelatin rot,

oozing, viscous, swallowing my pulse.

Vultures with bone-white beaks tear at my soul,

picking apart the marrow of what’s left.

“Is there nothing left?”

“Where the fuck are you?”

I’m carpet-crawling,

fingers twitching,

stabbing the repeat button on a broken signal,

hair follicles weeping oil and rejection,

slick with despair from a wound deeper than my gut,

a chasm where hope used to breathe.

These fleeting moments

they spark, they taunt,

they dangle a cruel flicker of you before me.

A shadow-hand chokes my fire,

snuffs it out in a hiss of smoke,

yet it roars hotter, hungrier,

a furnace of but but but

you were ice,

and I was a cathedral of sin,

stained glass shattered under the weight of my own worship.

That thong thong thong

a razor-thin guillotine slicing through my veins,

cutting the pulse of that basement-dwelling bitch,

“your friend,”

that venomous fucking witch who poisoned the tides,

who turned our stars to ash.

I’m on my knees,

begging the universe,

screaming into the cosmic maw

one more chance to fuck it up,

to fuck it up,

to fuck it all up again.

I can’t stop the hurt,

the laughter that cuts like broken glass,

gaslighting my own reflection,

blaming, shifting, grifting,

insanity hoisting my sanity like a lamb to the altar of a cruel sky.

And you

you keep lying,

fingers brushing keys,

humming ghosts of simpler days when we were friends.

But we’re better off severed,

dying in sync,

two corpses swaying in a funeral waltz.

I can’t stop loving you.

Fuck everybody else.

There’s no one

no one who can fill the you-shaped hole in my universe.

Us.

We’re the only truth that ever mattered.

Stop wondering if it’s real.

What I want

fuck, what I need

is to love you,

to dream with you,

to chain myself to you,

right here,

right now.

But you’re tangled in my delusions,

my self-spun betrayals,

a cuckold crowned in my own paranoid thorns.

You’re not mine.

Pushing daisies from the gashes in your wrists,

not finish lines but exit wounds.

And you need this, don’t you?

This escape from me.

I’ll never scream my worth again

you should know it by now,

but you trade your soul for another hit of hatred,

dancing with the devil,

a whore in a waltz that feels so fucking right.

Slam that door in my face.

I deserve it for the words I spat,

the ones I never should’ve let crawl from my throat.

Maybe there’s no second chance to ruin it all.

But I’d take it.

I’d burn it all down for one last moment,

to be cradled in your arms,

where time folds into forever,

where we’re one,

just one

last

fucking

We

will

hold

on

As

Life forms behind the misconception of closed doors

Conceiving chaos wrapped around our transgressions left behind

Meet me in the middle and I hope with all that’s left of me that we’ll find

A piece of perfection

To call home

For every wrong foot there’s a right just waiting to pull through nights which swallow days before we both know and neither of us wants to feel anymore

Contrite

But life is blooming inside of you and in a strange way you’re the reflection of the narcissist bound inside of me as it may be I think it might be fun to love such a feminine version of myself baby

All the way up to the freckles in our eyes and the way we argue and how neither of us seems to know what the fuck is going on with the other

Let’s try not to smother each other

Because I think we could make it

So long

as we

You stole every last drop of me, and now you're leaving after leaving me in the dark for what felt like an eternity

But I guess I had it comin with my all bold heart full of nothin except woe is mes and I can't see anything but you and me

Vulnerabilty is always so risky but a last ditch effort none the lest while we're doing nothing less