影.

independent  and  selective  writing  blog  for  astarion  of  larian  studios  baldur's  gate  iii.    established  on  february 2nd, 2023 and  controlled  by  amata.

that night he would credit the shift in his heart to the flashing lights of a forgotten night club,   where friends and the implication of drink had loosened the steel walls of his reservations — so that by the time he’d come home,  he’d accept their offer to come inside on the excuse of needing quiet.   the next day he would credit his own cold whims,   the strange ache that he had discovered was merely a hardrive for want;   and the day after that he would credit them alone,   their eyes on his face and their hands when they had touched.

one date and then five.   there was tea,   looks across the pavement the day after,  and half-smiles while they induldged conversation with someone else  (  when really,   it was apparent,   there was only one person on both their minds to begin with;   where else could all his flirtations and calculated smiles go?   )   he could credit the world for leading them here,   but what mattered more,  was who was at fault.

time seemed elongated between them,   a blanket shared  (  it smelled like them  )   and a laptop screen that showcased a movie reel that interested them,   history and the like,   a long study that prompted them to speak  —  a marvel he watched keen eyed,   still in the clothes he’d worn on a night out.   he was not sure when it had started,   between his leg brushing theirs and his hand purposefully knocking into theirs,   or his eyes hanging intentionally on a handsome jaw,   his whisper too soft by an ear.   he was not sure when he had betrayed himself to pretty temptations,   which meant the fault was entirely his own,   but he liked to believe it was theirs.   (   how could @wrrnth look that way and get away with it?   a kiss might feel like death;   not kissing might feel worse.   )

he was saying close to their shoulder,    ❛   had you found pieces of what you were looking for,   before you travelled here?   ❜    but he’d succeeded somewhat in chipping down their restraint,   because when he looked back up their eyes seemed different this close,   fogged,   and entirely aware of what he was doing.   he bit down a smile.      ❛   are you going to answer me?   ❜    and then,   because they treasured honesty.      ❛   or are you going to kiss me instead?   ❜  

what was once a lonely day has become far less lonely over time   .     at some point they have gotten used to the monotony   ,     still so unaccustomed to any lasting safety and yet accepting the stillness of this life with the same reverence they levelled upon the rest of the world    .     it is a stillness they still had to grow into as well    ,    one they conquered quietly by themselves    (     hours of research conducted in their own home or in the research center that they have wielded quiet command over for some time now    )    but that still seems to have new mountains for them to climb    ,     new experiences to admit into its frame and complete the picture   .    where they would have given their time off from those hours of meticulous searching and studying to personal manner of research and the few other practices they have found promising     ,      there has come an interception into their finely-woven routine   .

the sun is all cracks and fissures    ,     all broken into his most unruly parts and yet so compelling for it       -    they are drawn in by him like a shadow cast long under the latest hour of the day    ,     nurtured by by his light even from afar    ,    becoming a forest with eternal growth now that they have the time and now that he has made himself shown   .     it should not be plausible    ,     how he breaks through their resistance and resolve    ,    how he lays claim on the flat land of them like a star crashing down from the sky and making home in the explosion’s crater all the same   .    maybe it is all their fault    ,     as they have never pushed him away and only invited him in   ,    with all his irritations and rowdiness and beauty and   ,   most importantly    ,    those broken edges that fit so perfectly against their own hands   ,    their own self   .

curious by nature    ,     too curious for his own good    (    he is just like them    )    .    his body asks first before his mouth does   ,     syllables springing forth from the pale of his skin and the golden shine he possesses even when lies dormant in days’ old clothing and tiredness he could probably not shake from himself   ,    their past-time of choice he has decided to luck in to definitely not helping  .   their hand has found permanent residence in his hair   ,    a slow caress through the mess down to the warm skin of his neck    ,     a movement almost meditative as they lose focus on the screen more and more   .    it is like his question was harbinger of more as it is     -    he may inquire the divine   ,   his answer is a mouthful of it    .    they kiss him with one hand at the back of his head and the other on his face   ,    fingers grasping him as if he is as unreal as them in this time-frame   .    to them he is   .    to them he is an anomaly of aeons .

the rope that binds is rotten    ,    soaked in filth of darkened words and blood from tarnished wounds   ,    from hands clawing into old stitches and pulling them open   .    this interception between hero and shadow is one that bears little kindness   ,    but is kinder for it all the same it   .    neither of them deals in anything but unbridled truths between them     -   sincerity so acerbic ,   it could make fresh blood sting on its own   .     “   should i mark the occasion?   you willingly came to my     . . .    arrival for someone’s sake that is not entirely your own?   or is there reason you wish to see my shredded armour?   ”   their voice is soft as ever  ,   the light tone of it never missing its own mark against the warden as they tear the rest of the shirt beneath their armour away  .   what is called armour to them   ,   would be little protection to anyone else    ,    which they know to be all more reason for alys’s frowning   .      “   there   ,    you have me all for yourself  ,   ”    they retort to the command     (    ever the obedient follower   ,    a knight drenched in old scars    )     and put the bloodied fabric down to their waist where the rest of their mangled armour pooled around them  .   their face remains pointedly covered  ,  but their gaze bores into hers  .    “   i am waiting   .   ”

starlight descends as they appear, as if sheik has cloaked it around their being, calling forth pinpricks of light and brushing the clouds of night away. she doesn't know what they mean. she never has. so often she has felt stupid in their wake, parched of philosophy yet not clever enough to wish to drink. but what is certain is this: al'anna is no longer meek. her violet eyes have narrowed, so like those thin gashes of starlight above, as she receives them.

❛❛ so? ❜❜ with white fur framing her angular cheeks, she is quite camouflaged within this winter. the mountains' fury does not buffet her. there is no home she's built here other than cracks between stone where she has burrowed. it's strange that sheik found her in this wilderness, though al'anna isn't keen to hear their answer; it is what it is, and little more. ❛❛ i am not exiled. i am content, perhaps hungry. ❜❜ she is armed with tragedy, still drenched in her lover's blood, a stain she cannot clean. but what is worse than grief? unsatisfied insatiability. i crave his wound, the flesh, my pain. to be widowed must be trauma beyond belief, but to be defiled, ushered into dark longing, and then left wanting is surely worse.

what the wild takes   ,     it will give in equal measure if not more abundance   .    most only see the violence of it     -     murder of any kind is a horrid affair   ,    and even more so where there are no laws to prohibit how to go about it or if one were to go about it all   .    all one’s got left is their own morals and those are up to debate against a fight for survival    ,    like the balance of a sword swinging on a thin rope    ,    waiting for the moment to cut off either worrying head or motionless hand   .     it is easier to let oneself be nicked by the blade than to let it slice clean through   ,    as blood may always be spilled but it is bearable   .    blood spills everywhere    ,      high on mountains and low beneath the tide’s surface    ,     in between are the only places mortals have their eyes to judge and demand   .     those with enough fortune could slice and spill by their heart’s content    ,    it is the rest who is to be judged for grazing flesh  .

inspired from phoebe’s albums: punisher and stranger in the alps. as always, some triggering content may be present! change any pronouns to better suit your muse(s) needs!

why would somebody do this on purpose?

i wanted to go, but i didn’t.

we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves.

you were screamin’ at the evangelicals.

swore i could feel you through the walls.

i had to carry you.

i’m hungry for blood.

somebody better be dying.

now i can’t breathe, and i can’t sleep.

i feel something when i see you now.

anyway, don’t be a stranger.

i hate living by the hospital.

you must’ve been looking for me.

if it meant i would see you when i die.

all the skeletons you hide…

it must be something in the water.

will you have me, or watch me fall?

remember getting the truck fixed?

i know there’s something waiting for us.

i don’t know what i want.

baby, you’re a vampire.

i can’t open my mouth and forget how to talk.

always surprised by what i do for love.

we can be anything.

please don’t hold me to it.

i only went one time.

the end is here.

and what about the band?

show me yours, i’ll show you mine.

i know he needs you, you’re all that he sees.

be whatever you want.

i scared you in your house.

i want to live at the holiday inn.

i guess it’s too late to change it now.

i’m thinking out loud.

tell me what you’ll do, please.

one of your eyes is always half-shut.

i’m singing at a funeral tomorrow.

i’ve been talking to his dad, it makes me so sad…

somebody roll the windows down.

i’ve got a good feeling.

i would do anything for you.

i’ll be whatever you want.

i don’t need you to tell me what that means.

i asked him nicely once to pack his things and go.

something happened when you were a kid.

there’s a last time for everything.

i couldn’t take it any longer, and i lost control.

it’s amazing to me how much you can say.

i didn’t know you then and i’ll never understand.

do you feel ashamed?

i went with you up to the place you grew up in.

there’s something i’m supposed to say.

i swear i’m not angry, that’s just my face.

you, you must’ve been looking for me.

no, i’m not afraid of hard work.

you got me good; i knew you would.

you know the killer doesn’t understand.

man, i wish that i could say the same.

if i fix you, will you hate me?

i miss you like a little kid.

i could scream to drown you out.

next time i see you, you’ll show me.

he is a fine new addition, so young and so clean.

always have and i always will.

i’m at the movies, i don’t remember what i’m seeing.

i’m tired of trying to get in the house.

wouldn’t know where to start.

i want to believe.

i’m losing all my hair.

it’s a government drone or an alien spaceship.

everyone knows you’re the way to my heart.

i even scared myself by talking.

i’m on the outside looking through.

i’m standing too close.

sorry that it all went down like it did.

last night, i blacked out in my car.

i’m gonna kill you.

he came up through the water without a sound.

you get a few points for tryin’.

i can count on you to tell me the truth.

i’ve never seen you smiling so big.

he got me good, i knew he would.

i’m always pushing you away from me.

he missed my heart.

i grew up here, ‘til it all went up in flames.

i want to go home.

they dragged me off to jail, set a million dollar bail.

i will always be right here.

there’s no place like my room.

i don’t wanna be alone.

i wanted to see the world.

but i asked him one more time, this time pulled out my shiv.

was hoping you would let it go, and you did.

the drug stores are open all night.

no, it’s not important, they’re just pretty words, my dear.

that’s quite a list, but there’s one thing you missed.

it’s gonna be just like my recurring dream.

i’m a liar.

i get this feeling whenever i feel good.

i’ll stay out of my own hell.

for generations, they’ll romance us, make us more.

that’s just how i feel.

i buried a hatchet, it’s coming up lavender.

i turned around, there was nothing there.

from the window, it’s not a bad show.

not even the burnouts are out here anymore.

i hardly feel anything at all.

so i gotta go, i know, i know, i know.

you were still in the ambulance.

you always say that you’d prefer to drown.

i’m amazed that you’re alright.

when i’m lonely, that’s when i’ll burn it.

if you find me, will you know me?

they were screamin’ right back from what i remember.

i’ve been running around in circles.

i've been playing dead.

i’m sleeping in my bed again, and getting in my head.

they make you live in the past.

i can hardly feel anything.

i woke up in my childhood bed.

a feeling of relief came over my soul.

i want to know what would happen.

you’re gonna drown in your sleep for sure.

he never lies or picks up his phone.

you’re holding me like water in your hands.

baby, it’s halloween.

after a while you went quiet.

no, i’m not afraid to disappear.

you must’ve been looking for me.

i would give you the moon.

i have this dream where i’m screaming underwater.

they killed a fan down by the stadium.

i want to be wrong.

when i think too much about it i can’t breathe.

i can’t sleep and i miss your face.

they strapped me in the gurney, took me off to the infirmary.

i’ll find a new place to be from.

i hate you for what you did.

that makes me feel old.

he got me in the shins, and he got me in the arms.

i’m gonna chase it, i know, i know, i know.

all of our problems? i’m gonna solve 'em.

i’m stupid in love.

yeah, i guess the end is here.

i won’t be home with you tonight.

underneath her whimpering, i could hear the sirens sound.

fell on hard times a year ago.

sometimes i think i’m a killer.

we can be anything.

there is no distraction that can make me disappear.

i dreamt that he drowned.

when he gets older, he might be the one.

she can do anything she wants to.

plus, i’m pretty sure i’d miss you…

either way, we’re not alone.

you don’t have to know that it’s haunted.

you know i hate to be alone.

guess i lied.

wouldn’t know when to stop.

i think when you’re gone, it’s forever.

i’ll be glad that i made it out.

either i’m careless or i wanna get caught.

i hope you kiss my rotten head.

it’s 4 a.m. again.

we found our way out.

he missed my heart.

we have the same face.

hear so many stories of you at the bar…

all the bad dreams that you hide…

he’s half the man and you’re twice as tall.

i gotta go now, i know, i know, i know.

i don’t forgive you.

if i breathe you, will it kill me?

man, i hate this part of texas.

you know i’m never gonna let you have it.

and i changed my mind.

he might be the one.

it’s for the best.

you had to go, i know, i know, i know.

i’m too tired.

tell me what you wanna do to me.

i faked it every time.

you missed my heart.

oh, come on, man!

you were in a band when i was born.

i have everything i wanted.

i’m not gonna go down with my hometown in a tornado.

i don’t believe in that stuff anymore.

jesus christ, i’m so blue all the time.

saw him in the kitchen, hanging up the phone.

i feel something when i see you.

there’s nothing i can do.

i am sick of the chase.

you are somebody’s baby.

i hate your mom.

i got mean.

so long, prison boy!

it’ll be the last time.

i would do anything you want me to.

but right now, it feels good not to stand.

i love a good place to hide in plain sight.

i will try to drown you out.

take a dirty picture, babe.

it’s sad that his baby died.

i’m doing nothing.

hey, why do you sing with an english accent?

i get everything i want.

i look at the sky and i feel nothing.

when you touch down, i’ll be waving.

now i’m too tired to go to sleep.

i feel like i know you?

i hate it when she opens her mouth.

it’s just a matter of time before i’m hearing things.

call me when you land.

would you fuck this and let us fall?

they still got payphones…

you might be dying.

i’m a bad liar.

you wrote me a letter…