Decidedly Undecided

And promises left unspoken

In the wake of responsibility

And my own damn judgement

Affinity, but lacking tact or skill

And where there’s skill

there lacks interest and sheer force of will

So I’ll write my letters to the moon at night

And hope that one day the stars will align

For now, gravitating between two extremes

A desire for action

And we can pick up where we left off

Like nothing ever happened in between

Even though we’re strangers now

And I don’t miss who I was

I just miss what life used to be

But life goes on

And we embrace or we cling

While the rug is pulled out from underneath

And we’ll grow and we’ll change

And we’ll live and we’ll learn

Each of us shaped by choice, chance , and gravity

And at the end of it all

Maybe it will mean more

The green light before the green light

Deliberation? Or procrastination, perchance?

Equally stubborn and irresolute

And of the two, the point is moot

Because my disinclination for confrontation

Overshadows any excuse

But in the end

you’ll blame me and I’ll blame you

For all the things we didn’t do

And now the ship has sailed away

Out into the vast, deep blue

And only now do we realize

there might not even exist

In between passing time

Another place

Just filling up empty space as I pass by

Another reunion

As every strand fades to gray

And one day we’ll say goodbye

For the last time

And that’s life

That’s what all the people say

For once in your life

Decide where you’re going

Or who you wanna be

Instead of just taking what you get

And getting whatever is left

Flowers nobody wants

I pick out of pity

Addicted to addiction itself

Just looking for the next distraction so we don’t have to wonder

Who we are

& a little mistreated

Welcome to the stupid bitches club

& peace because when I found that

Nothing else mattered

I wish you the strength to keep that peace

Because the price for peace of mind is steep

I wish you faith and hope

To keep you afloat

When you falter in your beliefs

Weighed down by a heavy heart

But maybe we can start

Leaving behind what we don’t need

And looking to the future

Start giving more love

Stop wasting time

Do I have to remind

That it’s limited?

Hope doesn’t pay the bills

And wishing won’t get the job done

Maybe one day it will sink in

After circling the block a few more times

Maybe I’ll get tired of these same old streets

Or maybe I still won’t recognize

The patterns that I see

Because it’s been a while

Since I was in the drivers seat

Content to let you take me

Wherever you please

But my lack of awareness won’t stop the passing time

And my lack of control leads

Nowhere good, I find

I can’t just be content to ride

But I’m coming up short

Nothing new to report

Late to bed, even later to rise

No motivation, no drive

Living in black and white, and shades of grey

Every day an even greater struggle to show my face

And even though nothing’s changed

I just don’t feel the same

I’m sick to my stomach and I don’t trust my brain

Constantly doubting the only thing that makes sense, at this rate

When every little thing said something is wrong

& even in the silence I lacked peace

Wondering where you’d gone

& hope left when I couldn’t be consoled

Suffering by my own devices

and yours

Until I stopping making everything so personal

Now between the darkness and the light

I appreciate everything

& nowadays you don’t intimidate me at all

When expectations are let go

I’m no longer forced to feel

I just go with the flow

& the little things fade

As I wait for the tides to change

Like an old friend giving bad advice

But I’m better at telling the difference these days

I hope

Because possibilities are really just distractions

Until reality claims it’s rightful place at the head of the table

Alongside consequences and effort

And then you realize desire was never your friend

That that bitch is actually kind of selfish

Should I even acknowledge it’s existence then?

And yet

Holding onto the hope that one day you’ll show me

What it means to be sure of me and where I’m going

Breaths of clarity so few and far between

Left afloat by hoping

When I wasn’t at my best

When words failed to convey what was going on in my head

When the sun sets too fast

And the day didn’t go my way