the purple era

2026.03.21 | Spring equinox-ish.

Actually it was for a friend’s birthday, but we can say it was also in celebration for spring.

Today, we went to a Sunday lunch at another friend’s and feasted and enjoyed some coffee in the sun.

2026.03.20 | Spring equinox.

Sun has been out for the past three days and people are going around wearing shorts in defiance of the 10 degree temperature outside. It's spring or bust, ig. It's been doing wonders for my mood and I'm just so ready for winter to be over.

2026.03.19 | Golden hour.

I came home early bc I got sick and now I'm enjoying writing a "self-reflection" for the report I have to make for the qualifying exam so that I am still doing some necessary work, but without forcing myself to do real science. I've switched over to writing big things on Latex because I got fed up with all the formatting issues there are with Word.

Also, there's a weird satisfaction of seeing the input output difference. The template I'm using formats everything beautifully and I'm just enjoying the process more.

Maybe it's a distraction from just pure writing, but, whatever.

2026.02.07 | readjustments.

Turns out, that even if it's so much cheaper commute-wise, getting home at 8 pm was basically making me insane. I was basically on survival mode, only thinking about work and doing only work-related things. It was awful, lol.

So, it's 400€ per month to travel when I want for work, but once I spent it, that first day getting back home at 6:30 pm instead of leaving work at 6:30 was the first time I felt joy in a long time. Most of my health issues cleared up within the week and I am finally making some progress work-wise.

I also started my therapy sessions this week after my intake. My therapist went over my treatment plan with me and she managed to pinpoint my biggest issues, so I'm excited to start working on myself a bit more.

Who would have thought that giving myself space to breathe would /so/ immediately translate into such a big improvement in my well-being?

Lesson learned.

I'm still trying to find a balance that works for me with work. I'm finding it difficult that I don't have shifts as I did as a nurse to clock out from, so I'm just sort of ruminating in my own head, like all the time.

2026.02.14 | Something about sun and exposed beams.

I went for a long run this morning (in the glorious sun!), had lunch, and came to the library to start going thru all the literature I had tried to search.

I have no idea how to calculate light or anything in that realm so I’m also trying to teach that to myself, so it’s slow. I want to send the draft of the review to my supervisor by the end of this week and start chapter 2 drafting shenanigans.

2026.02.13 | Stressies.

Idk how, but my planner is completely full until April - which is the countdown til the qualification exam.

I feel like..

maybe I overdid it?

I always thought I performed better under pressure.

But maybe?

I'm just barely surviving?

And this is too much?

But at the same time

I'm like

let's lean into the chaos.

2026.02.12 | Officially in therapy!

I just had my intake session today! She scheduled me in for weekly sessions and the great thing is that my health insurance fully covers everything. Also, I get one main therapist and one supportive therapist (coordinating therapist?), so I get two. Am I winning therapy?

I journaled last night to sort of assess what I thought my complaints and issues were and what I thought they stemmed from. It helped me more clearly relate what I thought were my main issues, which honestly, seems so scattered.

Like, as I was talking, I was like, ohh, maybe I am not doing well. I have a hard time listening to my body and usually start to understand things aren't going well when crazier symptoms pop up.

Anyway, I'm not at a super bad point, but my bestie says it's better to start with a therapist before you get to that point. And honestly, I feel like I feel it coming with all the work + world related things happening everywhere.

Work related

I scheduled my one-year "qualification exam", I think they call it in English. In June. It's basically when they decide whether or not they will extend my contract and let me finish my PhD. I have to show my plan for the remaining years (background, research questions, approach) and also what progress I have made in my first year.

This in itself I think is fine, but I am trying to get my first chapter draft submitted → my second research question answered to an extent with my student → prep for all the conferences coming up -with usable data-, while taking a bunch of courses to get them out of the way. I'm tired and feel ineffective, so I'm trying to work on that.

Like, when am I supposed to be doing everything? I have to learn how to be more efficient, which I'm not.

2026. 01. 15 | What better way to procrastinate?

I'm not sure what it is, but I get these obsessions at night about the things I can do to "fix" my life in some way. Always max energy, best intentions, and almost zero follow-through.

Like, yesterday, I convinced myself that I would wfh more productively if I had a library card and could reserve a workplace at the library, so /decision 1/ I bought myself a library membership while in bed.

This morning, I woke up and decided to work from home anyway. I was tired + even if I wanted to go into work, the trains were disrupted + that meant A would be wfh today too. Excuses.

I also obsessed over which train subscription I was going to switch to this weekend. My normal ("always free") is now €400/month, which is just too much. It costs me €32 per day without a subscription, so I'm like, is it even worth it to get the always free?

So, /decision 2/ I decided to take the free during off-hours subscription. This means I take trains after 9am, getting into work at 10:15-30, and take the 6:30 train home. I don't like being limited in this way, but it's €130/month and that makes way more sense right?

And, /decision 3/, by going into work so late every morning, I'll be forced to exercise before work. Like, it'll have to be a habit bc there is no other time I could do it.

Oh, /decision 4/, I felt like my social circle was shrinking once again, so I'm back on Bumble BFF.

/decision 5/ - Ordered paint to paint our bathroom pink this weekend.

Why am I like this?

2026. 01. 14 | Happy new year???

Went back to visit my family with my partner this year and my parents took us on a backpacking trip in the snow. It was so beautiful, so cold.

Last week, we flew back to the Netherlands that was also covered in snow. It was fun while it lasted, honestly. The trains are coming back to working order, but I'm wfh for yesterday and today to recover from jet lag and to write in the comfort of my own home. I missed it.

I have a lot of self-imposed deadlines coming up and I wonder if I'm ever going to catch my breath. I would like to push to have my qualification exam in July, so that I can graduate my student after, and then spend August prepping for a conference before zipping off to the motherland.

It's tight, but if we gain traction in the lab, I think it's possible.

2025. 12. 18 | Working with a cat.

Bestie and her husband is back "home" for a week and a half visiting family, so we take turns cat sitting for each other. We live a 3 minute bike ride away, so it's actually a great set-up. She's by herself unlike our two cats, so I'm wfh to hang out with her all day.

Yesterday, I had a shorter meeting with my promoter because he was running late, but we managed to talk through and figure out the thing I was stuck on, so now, I have to do the more tedious aspect of the literature review that I am writing.

Then, I had a long meeting with my student and we went through his first month of his project and I am quite happy with his work so far. He's already written a huge portion of his report (intro and some of the materials and methods) and will just need to continue to add to it as we move further into the project and get some results.

I'm understanding that he's like me in the sense that he really requires some external validation that he's doing well (lol), so I've been making it a priority to communicate clearly what my expectations are and how I think he's doing.

2025. 12. 16 | Peep my nonsense scrawls.

I killed my bioreactor for the winter break yesterday, so I've been devoting all my attention to writing. I have a Big Boss meeting with my promoter tomorrow, so I'm trying to synthesize my writing and add to it because my progress seems embarrassingly slow.

My friends are all leaving for winter break back to their respective countries (since most of my friends are international), so I've invited a handful of the remaining over to our house for a winter solstice dinner for max gezelligheid on the shortest day of the year.

2025. 12. 14 | Rest!

I finally had some rest this weekend. I didn’t have to go into lab, so I spent it cleaning our house with A, cooking with my bestie and having a cute dinner, and watching The Penguin Lessons at the cinema.

A & I took a little walk in the city center and stopped by a book shop. I ended up getting When we were orphans by Kazuo Ishiguro and One hundred years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

2025. 12. 12 | Omg.

I wfh yesterday, but honestly, it just makes way more sense to come in. I am more zoned in on my topic and way more excited about it then I am at home.

I spent the morning doing some lab work for my student while he had a different course and then sat down to re-listen to a meeting with my promoter, who honestly is a genius, and I sort of clarified my focus (once again). I feel like this happens every time I meet with him.

I also realized that he is trying to explain a concept to me, and I am not understanding his point. It's until after I've chewed on the literature and the theory that I'm like "oohhh". How does he not want to shoot me for idiocy.

Anyway, re-focused.

I have a meeting with a group from the U.S. in an hour or so, but until then, I am going to keep writing.

2025. 12. 11 | Home office

I've been going into office/lab 5-6 times a week since my student started, so I gave myself a day to wfh to write. I've been needing to supervise my student a little bit more than expected in the lab, so I haven't really had time to write much, which is a bummer.

I have a meeting in less than week with my promoter (big boss) to give a synthesis of the main concepts of the literature review I'm doing and I'm hoping to get some clarification or validation in some of the analysis I've done. Then, I have another week to send over a "brain dump outline" to my supervisor so she can look at it when she comes back from holidays.

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel a little obsessive about my project. I'm annoyed that I have to take two weeks to go to the U.S. because I feel like my project is gaining traction, but I know rest is good for me, or something.

2025. 12. 05 | Winter solstice approaching

I've been going in to office 5-6 days a week this past month because my second (!) student started almost a month ago. They do require a lot more heavy lifting in the lab than I had allotted time for, so I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to write while teaching them to work in the lab.

Anyway, this week, I worked from Amsterdam/home because of a Python course I took; peep the dining table work. But I'm back in the lab on Sunday.

I don't recommend this sort of lifestyle to anyone, but for the moment, I think it's what I need. It gives me .. purpose? drive? a reason to not vegetate? And I'm feeling quite resentful of anything that sort of blocks my way, even if it's fun stuff.

As I type this out, I'm realizing it's probably anxiety lol. The only reason why I feel better working is probably bc it means I'm contributing to some level of productivity that I feel that I need before the holidays, which is honestly recipe for burnout. I'll be starting therapy regularly in the new year though, so hopefully that helps me manage all -that-.

Winter also feels like it's fully here because we've already had our first snow. The days feel "dark" by 4pm and the sky feels quite oppressive, so it's affecting my partner and my mood a lot.

Blah.

That was all super negative, which is unfortunate. I didn't realize I was feeling so meh, but I guess I am. It'll be ok though. There are plenty of festivities that are coming up to be joyful for, I think.