Writings & More

Now for my ideas and things I have been like in the trenches for FFXIV as well as RE for some time and I think these are now just my lifelong blorbos. I've been thinking about throwing whatever snippets I feel are finished or at least refined enough to be posted here for some content for you guys if there are any still out there hoping that this blog will come back. If not I do have some XIV stuff on my WOL's side blog I might start posting those there if its not wanted here.

But that's all that I've really been writing; self indulgent stuff. I don't think I could go back to taking requests or attempting to anyways.

I am so very sorry for those who stayed for the long run but I really grew up and let life take me on its crazy ass track.

I think that's it for this update I've just been going through all my blogs and remembered that this has been hella dormant for years.

So, let’s start from 2020. The year of chaotic madness and me graduating and going to college. This year was rough, I had really bad point of views that I should not have had provided my my Trump cultist parents. I honestly did think that Covid was the “Chinese flu” and that span of thought didn’t undo itself until I got into college. I was just generally a really upset kid stuck around the wrong people 24/7 that was sad that I’d miss out on my senior experiences. 

Heading into college I felt sick as hell. I had doubts and the whole way I was teased about how I legit seemed on the brink of throwing up. I didn’t think I could do it. My whole high school experience was being compared to my younger sibling and being a C and D student. I was terrified... but then again I knew I had to do it. This was probably the only way I could get away from my parents and their year long groundings, physical punishments, thievery, etc. that final semester of high school was my best with me having my first AB streak since my elementary experience. 

Finally came college, I was very reclusive that first year; a habit formed by living with my parents during covid. I did occasionally go out but as soon as my roommate went to move in with her roommate of choice it was just me and finally I could hide. Finally, I could breathe. I was developing such terrible insomnia at this time and had to start taking melatonin supplements to keep my crap together. Also, I finally brought my PS4 with me, and FFXV became a very grounding game as can be expected. And, seemingly terribly my academic advisor starts a discussion about how I might have ADHD. I felt such terrible shame thinking that I could be one of those kids and avoided it. 

Somehow, I survived the 2020-2021 school year and continued on from there.

2021-2022 my parents start getting weird. I stopped going to church years ago after seeing the harm that Christians do to people and start acknowledging my religious status as Agnostic. They start telling me to go to church, that the rough church going experiences I had in the past isn’t an everywhere thing but I simply respond that there’s some things in the bible that I just am not in agreement with and it’s for the best that I don’t go to a religious group setting. Also, I added that evolution would have to be pried from my cold, dead hands because that has been a topic of interest ever since elementary and I basically got jumped at church as a young teen for saying that I thought god triggered evolution. 

Throughout the year I am questioned when I will get married though at the oldest I am 21. I’ve officially come to the conclusion that I will not marry until I am out of college and other things are coming to mind. For example, I have finally accepted that I am bi. It was a relief when that clicked completely and when I finally accepted that I couldn’t just be that good Christian girl anymore. I came out to my parents simply as they were teasing me about a woman from a movie and how I must think that she is hot. It is likely that the teasing came because my adult younger brother ran away shortly after my graduation so they missed being able to tease in this way. They laughed at me but I was really happy, I thought that this was a win and honestly I didn’t want any assurances that I was ok. I thought that they loved me after all. 

This summer, I started a job at a place I grew up going to. Things start getting really weird. My parents try to hook me up with their friends (the youngest of which being 25) and I start getting chewed out for my dad having to see me in “lewd” ways by me wearing the occasional tank top or leggings because I started to occasionally work out. I muted my stepmother because, more often than not I’d be harassed by cussing text messages that I’d rather not revisit. At this point, I have broken down at work multiple times, and my coworkers start becoming extremely concerned for me. My boss pulls me to the side one day and tells me that while I have room to grow she has seen that I am a capable woman and that I need to do whatever I can to survive the summer. She also brings up a discussion about parentification because I was always on standby with my phone for my kid sisters. Also, since I felt safe with her I brought up a discussion about me potentially having ADHD and she pointed out that girls and women present differently and that from what she has seen she thinks I could fit the mold as well.

2022, the school year is on the brink of coming along and I have an ominous feeling. Two days before move in I had a nightmare with zombies and a lot of loss. It seems like it’s something so little but having dreams like that back in high school for me usually meant a hell of a time was to come and that I need to prepare for some literal emotional damage. This time though, I ignored it cause it had been so long since the last one that I had to just be dreaming.

One day before move in, I make a life changing choice. I got in contact with my younger brother that ran away and offered to give him our Xbox 360 that was gifted to us specifically by a relative. I didn’t have the space and recently got the most recent Xbox. I then take it to a friend of his and head home to see my parents. A lot of this I’ve blocked out but they accused me of stealing from them, started saying nasty things about me being bi, and even equated me to a pedophile. They sent me out, telling me to not come back until I had the damn console back and threatened to call the police.

This was the most scared that I ever was. My father was never that aggressive to me and my kid sisters were horrified. I knew that I had to contact someone to save my ass quick and called a guy friend from college (specifically my college roomie’s bf) so he started rushing to pick me up asap. I got the console and then threatening messages came. I called my previous academic advisor, terrified and confused about what to do cause my friend would have been another 30 minutes. She talked me through the whole thing as I spoke terrified and sob broken words. What she said next was get a friend from town to save me so I wracked my mind and immediately messaged a friend that I now consider to be a dear sister. At the time she wasn’t 100% a friend but we could talk cause she was the sister of a friend but that friend was out of state for college. She told me to head home because of the threats and that she’d be there soon. So I did, I went to that hellscape.

I was numb as all of the yelling happened. As he threw stuff and accused me of stealing more from him. I didn’t even get everything of mine, but at least I got the most important stuff. I didn’t cry, all I really did was say “uh huh” or “ok.” Now I know from my counselor that this was a trauma response. I remember hearing him yell something about my friend being there, he was probably pissed that I took steps to make sure I wouldn’t just be kicked out or on the brink of being murdered without a witness.

I remember they yelled at each other. He accused her of making me a gay degenerate, etc. but I couldn’t help but to internally laugh because she’s a Catholic that goes to church every week. She’s one of the few religious people that I’ve met that does not immediately hate or ostracize those who are different. He threw my boxes of stuff, damaging one and making all of my books spill onto the lawn in the process. I wonder if the neighbors that already disliked him disliked him more after that day because I was the one member of the family that talked to the “enemies.”

Things zoom by from there. I was terribly sick and couldn’t stomach the ice cream I was given, I got a hug from my now adoptive parents, hugged my now sister, and hugged my college friend before he took me home to my dorm. That night was too damn quiet. I couldn’t stay in my room alone and went to the basement lounge with my Xbox and played Stardew Valley. I remember being terribly annoyed when some drunks came around and watched while making loud and bothersome comments, but with time their presence brought me repose. Eventually they left, and one of my best friends from home, a guy that my parents desperately hoped I would get with, messaged me and we talked for hours as he assured me that I had a place with him and his family if need be.

Before anyone asks, no I did not date him. We dated back in junior high and HS for a time but stopped both times. We both have agreed that we are siblings by heart so dating just feels odd. I think that is one thing that angered them, that I could feel so safe with a man who was not going to become a significant other or something. 

Finally, 2022-2023. Things were hit or miss for a while and I remember people watching me closely and asking if I felt any urge to self harm. No, I did not. I’d come too damn far to let those feckers ruin it all for me so I wouldn’t. I just immersed myself in college more. One day though, I remember seeing a car that looked like my stepmom’s driving in front of the dorm as I was walking with my girls to the car. My knees fell out from under me and I became a blubbering and crying mess with the thought of “I am in danger. They’ve finally come for me.” I remember my two friends clinging onto me, telling me that I was ok and that it wasn’t them. Good news is we had preexisting plans to go out to get me comfort food so perfect timing I guess.

Every week I met with my current academic advisor, making game plans and figuring things out. Eventually, I even found myself kinda enjoying the poetry class that I thought I’d hate because I could use it to vent my frustrations. With time it was almost time to leave for winter break and I was praised by my advisor and told by him that he didn’t think that he would know anyone ever again who could face such adversity and still take on a double major, a minor, and other college related things with a job. Around this point I was also asked by a friend about what I would do about my surname since it is my father’s and I don’t plan to marry anytime soon so I responded honestly, “I am stealing it and making something out of it.” 

Cue winter and I visit the UK for study abroad. By this time I have 100% concluded that I will never extend the olive branch to my father or stepmother. To hell with them! Whenever my brother would do so they would complain about him and joke at his expense, I know my position in things. I am not playing their games. Also, at this point I am reembracing liking fandoms and other stuff like that because I had a mental block to all of those things for a while due to my parents belittling me and telling me that as an adult I shouldn’t like them. 

Now I am 22 years old. I am nearing the end of my junior year of college and am amazed that I have made it this far. Back in junior high I swore that I would drop out of high school and yet here I am even when my parents tried their damnedest to get me to drop out. I have family and I am loved by many and have learned that a long time ago I lost my family member status. I am now learning what it is like to be a true family member and am honestly finally happy though there are hard days. 

I have been praised for the start to my history senior project and have been told that there is a chance that I could possibly publish my findings. I have my fingers crossed because imagine the family disappointment publishing something. Damn, I’d leave a copy at those feckers’ house! 

So yeah, chaos over the years. I have hope for the future no matter how scary it seems. I have not gotten the ADHD diagnosis yet cause I am terrible about going to the doctor and in general have found a way to make this weird spaghetti coding in my brain work with being a student, finally. A small part of me wishes I could brag about my successes to those problematic people, but I just know they’ll take the credit for making me finally grow up by kicking me out and disowning me. Nope, they aren’t getting that credit because I am the one who learned how to function while they tried to steal my ability to do so. They should have noticed that year long groundings in high school weren’t really that efficient in anything but giving me the chance to learn how to be sneaky.

Anyways, that’s about it. Now that I am healing from them and the things that they have told me I might have to consider writing again. I cannot and will not make promises though because I’ve done that many times and it’s just mean to offer something and not provide. Also, I’ve been playing FFXV: War for Eos on my phone so if you’d like to play join me and my guild (Bros) Choco Bros. I am not the leader but we’d be happy to have more people who love FFXV. 

Also, a final thing since I am amused by this. I started watching Trigun and um... I think I have a type. 

So, getting into the long story.

In 2019, i had spent nearly the entire year going out and enjoying life of being an adult with free time and a job. Theres not much there to explain. 2020, The Pandora’s Box, right when the pandemic hit a family member of mine as well as myself had caught COVID. That was a wild time in itself and back then we had no idea if anyone could make it if they were sent to the hospital. So when my family member got sent we had said our last goodbyes and could only hope that everything would come out okay. Being sick myself I was not allowed outside to give my family member a hug. Luckily they are okay but we both have long lasting effects from our time. The rest of 2020 went as one should suspect. 2021, Recovery, I spent most of this year truthfully trying to get back to where i was in 2019 but with limitations. It was about celebrating the life that we had and were grateful for another year. not much else happened personally in this year. 2022, Life, last year was spent actually living. with every precaution i could take i went out with friends and touched grass a whole bunch. lots of family issues were happening but in the grand scheme of things it was nothing to waste my time with. I actually had a lot of creativity in this year but didn’t really act on a lot of it.