Evelina

I really wanted to write this today. I wanted to be extremely frank about how the dynamic of transmisogyny undergirds so much of gay and trans spaces.I want to explore how trans women are gated from community and forming social relationships, and ultimately gated from having a full sense of personhood.

Transmisogyny is a system of abuse that aims to fully decentralize a trans woman’s sense of self and personhood. A trans woman exists in a space where they’re simultaneously fetishized and repulsive. We’re oddly glorified in gay and trans spaces, yet are also the first to blame whenever something goes wrong. The point of creating a person to be as paradoxical as trans women is to make them impossible, and therefore intangible. It is to make them like Frankenstein’s monster. It’s to make them unbelievable and vilified for being so incomprehensible. Yet, much like Frankenstein’s monster, we want to be understood and to be loved. We describe our experiences, but are denied and called liars. We are viewed with medical and social intrigue, only to be shortly discounted as unimportant and, again, impossible.

To be a trans woman is to experience an alienation so extreme that it is an entire world apart from what is often projected out there as the “trans experience” by people who aren’t trans women.

Some out there recognize this superficially, where they’ll say “yeah it’s trans women who get a lot of shit in the community and the world!” And really, we gotta dig deeper than that. When the impossibility of a trans woman is internalized by others, we are seen not as a full person, but as an object. That’s when trans women are raped, abused, get the shit kicked out of’em, and die.

This extremely vulnerable state trans women exist in becomes the catalyst where we seek community, where we’re desperate for people to be with, to be loved and cared for, or even just seen. Demagogues in community recognize this, and will quickly bring her to their side, introduce them to people, and get her involved. It’s likely overwhelming for her. She’s probably touch starved. She’s afraid to touch people because she’s internalized that she’s inherently predatory. She probably hasn’t been shown much kindness in her life. Her social skills might be fettered by the years of cruelty and uncertainty.

Yet suddenly she sees herself as possible. She begins to gain her sense of self. She’s more confident, more willing to put herself out there, she has fun. She goes out, she dances, she’s having the time of her life. But… then she stands up for herself. To the wrong person.

That’s not… what she was brought into this community for. That’s not convenient. That’s not compliant. Suddenly she’s so possible that it’s infuriating. The demagogue realizes they can’t keep her around now. She won’t let herself be a token. They can no longer use her in the sense of “I’m not a transmisogynist, I hang out with this tranny!” How, then, does the demagogue maintain their social position? Hearsay and rumors and gossip.

“She’s just kind of problematic,” and then never specifying what she did. Never talking to her about it. It’s not about her learning, it’s about grooming people’s social peripheries.

“I know I shouldn’t say it, but she is male socialized.”

“She’s kinda manly.”

“She’s not all that femme, so what does she know?”

“She hasn’t unpacked her toxic masculinity.”

“She’s creepy.”

This is to package her as damaging to community. She’s more easily disposable now. It’s to isolate her. Cut her off from community and the relationships she formed. People invite her out less. She’s not asked to help organize. She’s forced to be a homebody. It’s a slow and painful severing from community.

She’s all alone again. She’s so lonely, she gets depressed. It becomes harder for her to manage her symptoms. She’s messing up a little at work, which she shortly finds out is enough to get her fired. She can’t crowdfund for rent because no one will share the post, because her support system is gone. She starts to wonder if it’s worth going on. It’s winter, and she’s terrified of being homeless (again).

She opts out of living.

Or, we play the part they want. We agree to be their token. We’re quiet and agreeable. We say ‘yes’ often. We shrink ourselves. We starve ourselves. We diminish our sense of self for the “sake of the community.” We learn as we go along that we don’t matter to them. We know it but continue on. We hear our friends espouse politics and theory that are predicated on our annihilation. Or more simply, we hear them espouse generally harmful transmisogyny. We rationalize that we’re only sacrificing a little bit of our dignity so we can maintain that support system. And slowly we lose our sense of self. We exist for others. We become the compliant object they want us to be. At least we’ve got a support system, right?

The process is the same regardless. We either disappear from the world entirely through death, or we sacrifice our dignity and sense of self and aren’t really even people anymore. In both cases, we are no longer a fully-formed person with agency. We exist at the whim of others.

I often wonder, whenever I enter into a community, which poor trans woman am I replacing? Who was here before me? Why am I being let in so quickly? What was the girl before like? Did they kick her out (yet)? Does she have friends? Do the people here care about her? How soon will it be until I’m no longer convenient? When will people stop talking to me?

And so I sit in that caution and vigilance, because I’ve been here before. I am one of the people who’s let herself sacrifice a bit of her dignity to maintain social relationships. I will admit that full-stop. I’ve started doing it ever since the trans lesbians who lived in my state all moved. The reason they moved? “Minnesota has an enormous transmisogyny problem. The ‘radical’ queer community hates trans women so much.”

I know this. I continue on. I quietly prioritize other trans women whenever I see them. I praise them when they do well. I congratulate them on accomplishments. I show up for them. I see them. I help them. I love them. They will always be my priority.

The reason writers complain so much about writing, but never give up on it, is because we’re just like a dog playing with a puzzle ball. 

my readmission app got approved!!!!!

i’m still getting admitted back as an animal science/pre-vet major, though.  and i have to do well for the first quarter before i can officially switch my major to design aldfkjsajlkdfsa

Don’t be mean to people who ask questions.

I hate it when i see someone asking ‘so wait, if a trans woman like women, is she gay or straight?’ and suddenly a dozen people jump on their ass for being ignorant or transphobic or whatnot- when all they had to do was answer the question. All you had to is go ‘She’s gay!’, and the person would go ‘oh, cool!’ and now they know. They just had a positive interaction with trans folks. 

But if you belittle them, now they’ve learned they’re punished for asking. They’re punished for wanting to know, for wanting to learn, and for coming directly to the people who live that life instead of just going to google. And they come away not having learned anything except that those people were dicks to them.

Everyone is clueless at some point. When I was 10, I was homophobic. I was a kid, raised around homophobic parents in a homophobic country. But one day i decided hey, i want to learn, and i found some gay friends and I asked them some questions.

Do you think i’d be here; if they had told me that i was an ignorant fuck, that i should pull my head out of my ass, that I shouldn’t have asked those things?

It was thanks to them that I learned and grew as a person, because even though i was a stupid homophobic kid with some admittedly stupid questions, they answered them, because everybody starts clueless.

It doesnt matter how young or old or who they are either- everyone starts somewhere. And lord knows, I’ve had some people ask me some stupid questions. My government teacher came to me yesterday and asked me that exact question i mentioned above, and I answered it. He’s a 40-something year old dude. He’s trying to learn.

My little brother is 9, and asked me once if being gay meant that I wanted to kiss every girl i met. Was it a stupid question by my standards? yes. Did I answer it like it was any other normal question? Also yes.

Insulting people who are trying to learn is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever encountered. It can literally mean the difference between someone becoming part of the community or trying to take us down. We judge that; we control how we educate. 

Post-battle: -Lacing their bloodstained fingers together and giving a reassuring squeeze to let the other know they’re alright -forehead touches accompanied by relieved chuckles and shared breath -’OMG we’re alive, I can’t believe it’ bear hugs that nearly crush the life out of each other, but ‘holy shit we’re alive so I don’t care if it feels like you’re about to break my back just don’t let go!’ -Bloodied fingertips reaching up to clean away dirt from the other’s features, only to smear it across their nose or cheek, causing them both to laugh and stare at each other adoringly -Anxiously checking each other over before the dust even settles, thanking whatever higher power exists that neither are badly wounded -Carefully cleaning and bandaging each others wounds once they’ve made it to a safe place -Falling asleep in each other’s arms from sheer exhaustion, as the adrenaline finally wears off on the ride home -Finally finding each other on the battlefield, practically leaping at one another in relief, before backpedaling in discomfort from all the wounds they didn’t realize they had, only to chuckle about it and pull each other into a soft, affectionate kiss, smiling like idiots through it all because ‘dammit, we survived!’

I’ve been thinking about what creates the makeup of an instant fan-favorite series, or at least drastically increases a story’s likelihood of developing a fandom, and these are some of the high level consistencies I’ve found. 

These stories often contain:

- An ensemble cast that contains a multitude of personalities - this allows fans to latch onto different characters they feel close to and allows for more expansive narratives as characters are mixed and matched to be leaders of the plot (especially in episodic stories) along with a wider breadth of representation.

- Representation, or perceived/projected representation - while it’s possible to generate a popular story by sticking to the “white straight teen male target audience” formula, stories that become mega-hits tend to also have something for everyone in terms of race, gender, and sexuality. Many of the mega-hit fandoms got there despite themselves, simply by teasing the possibility of an LGBT+ relationship and keeping the audience hoping for it for years. Unknown actors have been catapulted to stardom for portraying one partner in what becomes a popular fan ship. 

- A sense of “community” within the story - whether it’s a starship, a fellowship, a military base, a magical world, or a hotel getaway, fans want to feel a sense of a place they could “go to”, made up of people they want to spend time around. 

- An expansive world - Stories where the world is just there to serve the plot feel thin and tend to not generate much for fandoms to work with. Fandom is generated more commonly by stories that are linked to larger works and worlds, as that lends the sense that the characters and settings have a life that goes on before and after the story takes place. This can include characters who have friends/family that never appear or are never relevant to the central plot, stories that borrow from larger canons like a huge fictional universe, history, or even the Bible, or that realistically attach the fictional to “real life” in a way that allows fans to imagine the characters in other scenarios beyond the original story. 

Put simply, a book that has “Fandom Potential” is one that causes its readers to carve out space within themselves for it. Its readers make the book and story world part of them, rather than merely reading it. The book persists in their minds after they close the cover. It can continually be engaged with and considered and thought about and applied and re-thought and re-explored. The only other necessity is that these people be numerous enough to find each other and talk about the book.

So, if you wanted to set about writing a book with random potential, these were the things I determined you’d do:

1. Write something accessible. Not to say dumb it down. But it can’t be a book that needs an unusual amount of patience or an interest in a niche subject to enjoy. It has to deal with universal themes and conflicts that are relatable to everyone. Also, representation is a plus.

2. Write something with potential for obsession. There’s a distinction between a good book that lots of people will like, and a book that lots of people will love. It has to stand out enough to be one of the first books that pops to mind at the question, “What’s your favorite book?” Lots of worldbuilding and large casts go a long way toward this.

3. Potential for connection with oneself. Like the OP said. Harry Potter fans sort themselves into houses, Divergent fans into factions, PJO fans into cabins. Would Harry Potter come up as much in conversation if I couldn’t sort myself into House Hufflepuff and put the Hufflepuff crest on my shirt and laptop? Personality test type stuff is fandom food. So are motifs and symbols that can be identified with, made in fanart, and/or put on clothing and bags. The book markets itself at that point.

4. A world with loose ends: Get your readers to imagine themselves in the book. Hint at things that aren’t fully explored in the story. You might put pieces of history that are only hinted at and locations that are just there to flesh out the map. Make your world coherent enough to have gaps readers can fill with their own ideas. And make leads for fan theories as well. Hint at backstories of even minor characters. Tease depth in everything. EVERYTHING. Leave in little Easter eggs and hints that fans can obsess over.

5. Lots of possible ships/pairings: Fandom thrives of shipping, so having shippable characters goes a long way in cultivating a fandom. I’ve been in several niche fandoms that basically developed around ship wars. Ship wars suck, but the discussion they spark can make the ground fertile for more fandom activity. NOT to say that you should intentionally try to create conflict. Just have plenty of shippable characters, basically.

6. This was already covered but: large cast of really awesome characters! Plenty of characters that people of all kinds can see themselves in and identify with! (Seriously, representation is your friend.) Plenty of side characters that the fandom can seize upon and add more backstory to! I would add, lots of grey-morality in characters and sympathetic antagonists or anti-heroes. Fandom LOVES those because they generate so much interest and discussion. Make your characters complex. And give them quirks! Add little details to them that you’d have to really know them to know.

“Countless studies have since shown that exposure to pornography desensitizes men to violence against women, often shaping their sexuality in such a way that they become unable to experience arousal without some element of dominance or violence. The evidence has been so damning that, at times, universities have refused to allow further research on the topic. When a study shows detrimental effects that cannot be reversed, ethics boards will often refuse similar studies to go on. This has happened repeatedly with research on the effects of pornography.”