scattered brain

sean (I wish you were still alive)

i think that’s what keeps you alive

it makes you feel good

knowing that it works, every single time

like a good luck charm hanging from your rear view mirror

the satisfaction that you’re never let down

by someone not falling in love with you

maybe it isn’t you

or the twisted game you play

but it’s all of us

the players

looking for someone to fall in love with

my first mistake was thinking that their perception meant anything to my perception

what i fool i was

making myself smaller to crawl into other beings

trying to maneuver my way through their minds

mimic their thought process

to make decisions

that had nothing to do with them

but one day your name won’t roll off of my tongue as easily as it once did

it’ll stumble out of my mouth after a long pause of hesitation

because i’ll be looking through the lost files of all the boys that i’ve loved

and you’ll just be one of them

the harmless have become ruthless, the warm have become cold.

the sensitive and fragile grew thicker skin with every degrading word thrown at them, every touch that was unwanted, and every waking moment their voice was silenced.

the sweet little girl in all of us remains, but she’s hiding and for good reason;

we pray they don’t see any trace of innocence and mistake it for obedience.

after all, the best defense is a good offense;

and no one but ourselves are here to protect us.

i wonder if this is bad, all the things we have become,

or if it’s the start of a revolution.

was someone you could fall in love with.

when it strips me down like cheap bar soap on dry skin.

when every time you find a new toy to play with i have to pretend like it doesn’t feel like stepping on broken glass when you fawn over her.

when my best friend of five years has to pry my ears open to tell me the truth, the truth i always conveniently hide from,

you don’t love me.

you’re foolish, foolish for still not realizing that i am so impatient;

you’re the only thing i’ve ever really waited for.

the type of lover that gives and takes and never seems to have enough time for you, despite the fact that he has no hobbies or responsibilities to occupy his time with.

the catch-me-if-you-can type of lover.

you will sacrifice everything for him.

your body, your soul, even your well being.

until eventually you’re left with nothing.

you realize you have given the entirety of what you have to offer, just to be left alone.

you’ve shown him exactly what he was looking for when he plucked you from the garden of other pretty, impressionable girls.

you’ve shown him complete and utter vulnerability.

your lover’s high, high above you looking down.

smiling.

he now has everything he’s ever wanted.

he has you.

i could meet more, i could meet everyone on the face of this earth.

it doesn’t matter.

i could say no one will ever compare to you, but i already compare everyone to you.

i look for you in everyone, subconsciously.

i swear i don’t mean to. i want to move on. no, i need to move on, but you’re everything i’ve ever wanted. they can only ever be a fraction of that.

as hard as i try, as close as i get,

no one will ever be you.

more guts more glory, the higher the risk the higher the reward, right?

but no one told me how hard holding on is, when the other person doesn’t care if you let go.

it takes all of you, mentally and physically.

i was always tired from staying up all night thinking about you, overanalyzing our entire relationship, picking my brain trying to pin point exactly where and when i fucked up.

i was always hurting watching you look for other girls while i knew none of them met your standards the way i tried so desperately to.

the worst part of it is when i started to become the entertainment for your boredom.

you’d play with me like an old toy, soon realizing why you put it down so long ago in the first place.

you wore me out and tore me apart piece by piece, just to put me back down again,

as if i was untouched.

but we were once united.

we were one.

sometimes when i feel like only half of me,

i can recall the moments i knew we fit.

ive never had good memory,

but i’ve called upon these moments so many times they’re ingrained within me.

i cant stop going back to those times, those places.

we were one.

To call you and end the call, just as you pick up, of course.

To fill you up to the brim and shatter your glass.

To make your heart chase after me just to bring an end to it’s beating.

I wish to leave you empty.

yet everyone lets me live my life without interfering

knowing that I want to die.

It’s not even just me anymore,

they also pretend I’m alright.

Oh.

Yes, you were probably busy, but at my busiest I still would find the time for you.

you could’ve molded me into whatever you wanted me to be, and i would’ve lost myself, just like that.

just to find you as in love with me as i was in love with you.

but you chose the prettier, softer, less opinionated one, and i still love you, more than i ever would’ve.

i am indebted to you endlessly, submissively

for leaving my identity the fuck alone.