write off the grid

They were reliable to a fault. They were more than friends; they were family. They were the confidant, the best of the best, their world. They were always the first pick until they weren’t.

They were replaced. And not just replaced, but forgotten and ignored. The friend no longer valued a lifelong platonic love. Their heart was set on strictly chasing after romantic love.

If someone leaves you, if someone gives up on you, if someone doesn’t feel like they love you enough to stay in your life, let them walk away. And when they walk away, remember that exact moment — how you felt, the look on their face, the sound of their voice, etc., and DON’T YOU DARE look back. In moments of healing, loneliness, and missing them, remind yourself of that moment. They shattered your heart and walked away. DON’T YOU DARE go back to them. From healing, you became a better person. So if they walked away, why would they deserve you now when you’re even better? You can still love them, but DON’T YOU DARE love yourself less than they once did.

For the first time in five years, I left my planner blank on your birthday. For the first time in five years, I finally feel obliged to fill it with events for myself. For the first time in five years, I booked an oil change on that day. For the first time in five years, that day finally became JUST ANOTHER DAY.

I didn’t fall for your appearance. In fact, there was no physical attraction at all. But I fell for the comfort of your presence. You were always a friend to me. You were always confident in all that you were. You brought out my truest self by simply being you. And after years of being in the dark, I realized this whole time it’s always been you.

Friendship heartbreak is a thing. And if only it were as simple as “burning a bridge.” But it’s more like cutting off a limb, because I can’t shake the phantom pain. I will never get them back, and frankly, I don’t want to. That doesn’t negate the fact that we had good memories worth cherishing. But only time will tell, and fortunately, time is on my side. I will learn to live without you and it will only make me stronger.

Reminder: They’re only a PHANTOM PAIN.

I woke up with a dried tear across my cheek. Must have dreamt about you. Sad to know my subconscious thinks about you. Happy to know my conscience doesn’t even remember you.

I just lost a friend of ten years because we transitioned from high school friends to adult friends but I grew up and she didn’t.

She is too concerned about “sayings” and haircuts and thrift shopping. She is bothered in the similarities between us. She’s bothered now by the things that would have brought us together.

I’m concerned about our jobs, our happiness, our health, how we contribute back to society to make our world better. I’m bothered that she cares deeply about petty things and can’t crack deeper beneath the surface and use that discomfort to perpetuate a better life for al of us.

We’re living through a pandemic, economic recession, and the Black Lives Matter movement. There are so many bigger things to be uncomfortable about that are bigger than us.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. And frankly, we’re nothing alike. She’s White with long blonde hair and blue eyes. She was the popular new girl from a big city that everyone wanted to be like. She dated all the boys and had the latest, newest stuff. She came from a big family. And none of that has changed for her.

I’m Chinese with hair length that changes every year. I dye it, perm it, chop bangs, or full on cut it. I have brown eyes. I was never popular. I was the girl in marching band and every extra ciricular activity I could join. I had good grades and never missed church on Sunday. I am an only child adopted and raised by a single mother.

These core things that made us who we are couldn’t be further apart. And I’m proud of who I am. I don’t have to want to be you to just to like you. I want to be nothing like you. That doesn’t mean I can’t like you as a person. And the fact that we could have things in common and that bothers you to your core, I frankly want nothing less to be rid of such a toxic friendship.

I’m done. I still like you. But I’m doing what’s best for me.

It’s funny how you act like you have no friends because good friends are hard to come by, and you blame it on their lack of effort. The reality is: everybody is dying to be your friend until they realize you give zero effort and treat people like they’re indispensable.

Sorry reality isn’t as pretty and popular and perfect as you. But reality is an easier pill to swallow than being in a toxic friendship with you.

Being an only child, my friends were the closest thing to siblings and I considered them family. Any day, any time, any place, I would bend over backwards to make time for them. If I were to ever not make plans work, it was either because my time was simply alotted elsewhere, and for good reason. I always felt guilty when we all are given 24 hours in a day, but it felt like I always had less than everyone else. So if you ask me for my time and I decline, know how badly I would like to make anything work, but chances are my time was requested for the meantime or I’m truly not doing well. As an adult, it’s more clear to me that I have been the token reliable friend that is always there for everyone else, but now I see not a single “friend” is there for me at the end of the day. Ironic how when the tables turn, “lifelong” friendships turn into “sometimes” friendships. To my friends who have lost me, know you were never a option; you were always my choice/priority. But it’s time for me to treat myself the same way.

All healthy friendships require hard work and dedication, but the best ones don’t make it feel that way.

Forgive and take away their power. But don’t ever forget that your hurt gives them power.

You ask

so I tell

but you don’t want to hear.

I stopped writing our plans down in my agenda because I don't think it's worth anymore whiteout.

Choosing yourself first means cutting out the people in your life who don't. How do you choose when you know either way, you lose?

You pity me for building a massive wall, but it’s all I’ve ever done and it has never failed to protect me.  You see it as just a self-defense mechanism, but I see it as survival of the fittest.  I’ve witnessed natural death from heartbreak, and I’m not a fool.