ones&zeroes

all I hear in my head is defeatist. 

I need a new plan desperately...because what I'm currently doing isn't working. so, either I'm missing out on something I should be doing daily or the meds I'm on aren't enough or the correct ones. That's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what could be the malfunction. So many possibilities and everything seems to overwhelm me. 

...You say you've got it, 

I believe that you've got it,

Cuz I'm not doing any good

The me you know is fraught with flaw, 

I bet you wish I would

It's not crazy, it's just clear, 

i've always hesitated to actually post blog type posts...mostly keep everything bottled up only expressing the inner workings of my brain to a select few...but even those select few don't know everything. I segregate it all so I'm not too burdensome on any of my friends. 

I think the core of my issues can be boiled down to a couple main categories:

I rarely ever feel honestly happy and if I do it's always fleeting

I am constantly crushed by my own self doubt

It's such a frustrating thing to always feel like no matter how many things in my life "line up", or how well they appear on the outside, I always feel like true, full experience happiness is just out of reach. Not only in my ability to feel it myself, but almost if not even more so to give it out. I'm constantly reminded of mistakes I've made no matter how old they are. I never forgive myself for any hurt or pain I've caused to the people close to me. I sometimes even wonder if there is anything positive I bring to the table in any of my relationships (friendships or otherwise) besides disappointment and regret. It's painful to see how happy people around me are. How easy it seems for them...how natural. I sometimes wonder if these are the same feeling my father felt, if these questions were the same ones that churned in his head before his self accomplished demise. At 42 I've already outlived his life span by two years, but I don't struggle any less, or feel I'm any closer to a working solution for myself. I've taken the drugs, changed dosages, tried "cocktails", worked with different types of therapy & therapists, read handfuls of books on "feeling better" but nothing has made a bit of a dent as of yet. They all leave me in the same situation. I start each one hopeful this might bring some sort of positive, and end up finding myself just like where I am now...somewhere between frustrated, angry, and alone.