The Acent
Clawing my way back up the spiral

if i look back, i am lost
Not today Justin
we're not kids anymore.
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h

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trying on a metaphor

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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@wrathofstylepoints
The Acent
Clawing my way back up the spiral

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There can be so much joy and happiness in the world, I feel like I can see more and more of it every day.
Onism
I get this recurring feeling so often, that there's so much I’m going to miss out on. Even given my whole life, there’s so many things that I likely won't live to see. I’m learning to be happy in the now, and to take life as it comes. I’m learning to really be in the moment and appreciate what I have, but there's so much to do and see beyond the scope of my life.
There are few things that upset me more than that.
Weigh your worth before her majesty the Verde River
Green Valley - Pucifer
Well look who’s come crawling back.
Okay, so it’s been a while.
Initially when i set up this blog I was in a very dark place, and as I’ve recovered, then lost, then recovered, then lost, and finally somewhat recovered my sanity I’ve posted less and less frequently. I’ve been busy living my life, and for the most part enjoying it. I’ve come from someone who couldn’t bear the thought of another minute of living, to someone who actually refers to himself as an optimist. Writing that out still kinda blows my mind, but its true.
So why am I back on here? Well, however infrequently I’ve posted, I’ve always found comfort in writing here in those times when it all goes to shit, and I guess a normal person would call the large part of the year out as such. I’ll probably write in more detail about these things, but right now I’ll sum up.Â
My contract at the job I’ve had for 3 years is coming to an end, and so are those of about 7 other members of a team that were told how valuable they were less than 24 hour prior. I’ve been a hard worker, not out of any dedication to such things, but primarily out of a willingness to do stuff rather than sit and do nothing. Obviously this has left me at a loose end, but I will survive.
Earlier in the year, my nana passed away. She’d been ill for a while but it was still a shock. Having seen people dying both slow and fast at this point I’m hard pressed to tell you which one is more bearable, and this one did fuck us up, particularly my little brother. It’s been hard.
But I’d like to end here on a positive. Since June of this year I have been meditating daily. It’s difficult to cut through the bullshit, but when you do there is a lot of scientific evidence for it. If you trust my opinion (which you likely do if you’re reading this), it is a practice that is well worth your time. I don’t think I would have dealt nearly as well with these troubles as I have this year without it.
So that’s it from me for now. As I process these things more may be said, but we’ll see. Thanks for reading, and take care.

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She's gone.
We may know on an intellectual level that we're going to die, but I don't think any of us really believe it. She's clearly dying. She's dying and she's doesn't even know it herself. She thinks she'll get better and she won't; she won't make it to Christmas. And up until the end she won't believe it, not even in those final seconds she won't believe it, not really.
Pressure
It’s strange how ones circumstances of birth affects one. The way a person is perceived and treated throughout their life is indelibly part of their character, and there’s very little - if nothing - that one can do about it. These things only become apparent in strange moments of clarity or comparison, like asking what colour a dress is, only to find out that your experience of the world around you may be fundamentally different to someone else’s.
Boys don’t cry is a big one. I didn’t think I let those kinds of assumptions affect me throughout my life, but I find myself desperately trying to hold back the tears during emotional movie scenes or pieces of music. You’d think being aware of it would maybe allow me to consciously ignore it, but it’s a reflex built in at ground level.
World: Of course life isn't fair! If it was you'd deserve everything bad that happens to you.
Brain: Maybe you do.
My head is a mess of static
It's making it impossible to hear anything over the goddamn fucking noise.

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I’m feeling more and more like I’m a ghost inhabiting a body, pretending to be the person that used to fill the space.
A walk through the past
6
You can't tell how you'll react to a tragedy, and now the circumstances have changed. No matter what happens we deal with it together, and when I'm the only one left I'll look back and smile.
5
If someone dies and I'm not destroyed, does that mean I'm emotionally dead? Have my medications numbed me to the point of apathy? Which is better, to lose my mind out of common humanity, or to be indifferent to the onslaughts of a cruel world?
Denial
I've always posited that denial is an excellent solution to these problems; the trouble is in keeping it up.

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4
It feels as though losing my sanity again is an inevitability.
3
If I start processing this now I’ll be sad, but will that prepare me for the inevitable, or will I be sad now and still broken then? Maybe working through it early is the best way to limit the damage after the fact. Or maybe I’ll just do myself long term damage.