Welcome to Neverland.

I did it. I cut Paul and his whore out of my life, and I’m not being dramatic. I deleted everything of theirs off my accounts and blocked their numbers. Years worth of stuff is gone and it felt pretty good unclogging my brain.

I’m not the type of person to go to those extreme measures against people so much “involved” in my life. But I needed to, my mental health was being put at risk. I was really scared the first few days, like he would drive by as he has threatened before. Thankfully never did. I purged any pictures of him off my Facebook, and am still trying to go through the years worth of memories off my Dropbox. Still struggling about reporting them to CPS, I worry for his child. The conditions her and the whore’s child live under are absolutely repulsive, but I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life. Except maybe one person but we aren’t going to go there right now.

Interesting update, I reconciled with Jackie. But funnily enough this was a bit before I grew the final backbone to cleanse Paul out of my life. The loneliness of having no one really was getting to me and it’s for the best we did to be honest. That year of us not talking was needed anyway in so many different ways, and apparently my actions set off chain reaction that lead to her future brother in law getting sober.

Mentally I’m ‘okay’. But physically I’ve been having a lot more pain, and half of it is new. I can’t tell if it’s nerve pain or degenerative. During this social distancing I’ve been having to stay home and worry myself more of these new health problems. I’ve been bleeding for 3-ish weeks now and wondered if I was pregnant too and perhaps lost it. Life got really rough after the tornado, it affected us hard. We were without power for a week, lost hundreds of dollars of groceries(the last of my husbands last paycheck), my husband lost his job right before it happened and we’ve been struggling for food and getting our bills paid since then. Add the covid epidemic and it’s a disaster. He still hasn’t received any unemployment even though he was granted it by a judge when his company tried to fight it.

My only distraction from it all, a game we had preordered for months that I almost forgot about til Jackie reminded me, Animal Crossing. The immersion lets me pretend for a little while everything is okay and we’re living out best life together; happy and healthy.

I don’t want to talk about the drama with my dad and in laws. Because while it has stressed me out so much I am going gray now, I need to vent about something else that has taken precedence over the last few weeks. I was hoping it was nothing but is been escalating for a while now. At an all time high.

It’s been almost 10 years since I was in the abusive relationship that lead to rape & sodomy and a mile long list of fucked up behavior. It’s been 8 years since I was assaulted and robbed at gunpoint. And these two things I can’t seem to get past, while awake I seem to be doing fine-ish. But I’ve never stopped dreaming it’s happening over and over again. Just about every night now, I am so tired; from the dreams and waking up having to try to remind myself I’m not there and that was a long time ago. My heart rate being elevated enough it gives me palpitations because I’m in the fight or flight response all the time when sleeping.

They are almost always the same end result; I will either be raped by M or a white male that resembles M but isn’t, or robbed of everything and killed by two black males I can’t recognize. Curiously it’s never the other way around. But they have a loop of varying situations that seem to repeat leading up to such events. The rape dreams are:

I’m at M’s house and being deathly afraid I’ll be caught doing something wrong, his mother is usually there for those.

I’m trying to go to a house of a person that seems like M but isn’t, and can never make it there as if I’m too late for something but I never know what it is I’m late for.

I’m with M and his ex girlfriend, and they are usually in on what will happen together somewhere that isn’t his house.

I’m with M, his ex girlfriend, and his friends. In a car or in the woods.

I’m with M’s friends and he is not there, these friends take a lot of joy in what happens as if they are in on it too.

The robbery and death dreams are:

I’m with this same man every time who is not a friend but not an enemy, in a car with other friends nearby at a lake. The two men are strangers and act as if they are friendly at first.

The man and I are alone in the woods in a car and we are teleported to residental neighborhoods where we targeted immediately and beaten.

Same man and I are hanging out with these two men in an apartment and the setting is as if we are great friends with them but my awake state has no idea who they are. I say something that is nice that sets them off and they change. Doesn’t make sense. But whatever. Dreams.

The man sells me out for some ulterior motive and basically gives me to the two men while I have no idea until the man leaves and the two men come over to me.

Throw in weird random stuff happening in between because dreams. And after these scenarios play out I am always waking up after being raped or shot to death slowly and violently. Yeah they say you can’t die in your dreams, that is the biggest lie I’ve ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

Honestly the mysterious man that is usually with me in the second set of dreams does remind me of M, but they can’t possibly be the same man because in real life these situations happened 2 years apart almost. I won’t rehash exactly what happened. I’ve already posted it years ago and I don’t feel like having to dredge it up again. But my exhaustion is to a breaking point, I dream of the same things almost every night, where I am actually remembering these enough to make some convoluted post.

We’re going a bit different this morning, my title won’t be a song. But relevant in a way as a certain person *coughcough* Smeff Kaplan *coughcough* decided to force an entire event with nothing but deathmatch. I hate it and needed Total Mayhem because it destresses me. And it’s back finally after a month.

I needed it like I need something else right now. I need to know there is someone out there that won’t fucking destroy my heart, is that too much to ask?

I’m really just disappointed more than anything else as now my husband and I no longer have his family for anything. What happened on Christmas wasn’t the only problem, it tied it all together. The constant dismissive tones, the looks of boredom and disbelief, the actual favoritism between two sons, and finally; the constant reminder of our mistakes that aren’t even ours to begin with. You can lie, steal, manipulate, beat, and rape someone in that family. They don’t care. But you leave a specific college for good reasons that are completely logical and understandable, while doing extremely well anywhere else you continue your studies? Never let you live it down 8 years later.

It would still bother me if only I was made to feel this way, but to do that to your own son who’s been nothing but your rock through the worst of times? Inexcusable.

•Stealing cars, prescriptions, money, guns, electronics, you name it. It’s been stolen.

•Molestation

•Violent altercations

•Drug addicts

•Bringing thugs and prostitutes over

•Selling drugs

•Rape

All swept under the rug because it’s “family”. But for some reason Phillip and I always get the brunt of “well you still did this or were responsible for this 8 years ago”. Which wasn’t anyone’s fault but Phillip’s parents. They look at us like they don’t care what we have to say, or how we feel. They ignore us or immediately cut us off to talk about whatever they want.

I genuinely want to know; which is worse: being in an abusive relationship and not knowing it or being in one and knowing it. I’ve been in both and still can’t make up my mind. There were differences, the first being we were a couple and it ended drastically with a lot of damage. More damage than I think a normal person could fathom. The second? I’m in it now, it’s like a cloud over my head that I can’t get rid of. My oldest friend now that Jackie is gone, and even then that relationship was far from abusive but definitely toxic nonetheless.

He pulled me back in and I feel so defeated about it. I’ve never been more lonely in my life than this past year. The timing on me growing a pair and ending a 13 year friendship was impeccable. That was easy I guess, she isn’t here and Paul is. He is ingrained in my life. 

This year was so hard for me and especially for Phillip. I thought I was going to die and still do sometimes, but trying to communicate that with my husband all while trying not to cause him to worry about me by not communicating, was exhausting. I’ve had no one to confide in about anything, but maybe I’m just being selfish in that way. To give someone else besides my husband that kind of worry. Maybe my selfish need for that is why I can’t just cut it with Paul. I’ve never gotten what I needed from that friendship until tonight, and I feel it’s just a rare moment where I’ve gotten lucky and found him on a really good day. 

I guess you could say this is where my relationship with my in-laws is going, knowing I can’t trust them and they only pretend to deal with me because I married their son. Paul only deals with me over the long nostalgia of our friendship. Always a stipulation.

I’m here, and I’m smoking a cigarette after two years. You know this month hasn’t been as bad as in the past and last December was even fine except for a small altercation that happened with my dog and neighbor, however this year everything seemed to be going okay. My husband took us to the cemetery on the 18th, we managed to get our shopping done even though we couldn’t afford to get everyone a lot; still everyone got a present from us. My PTSD has been at an all time low, depression and anxiety have been low, and I was actually excited for Christmas this year no matter what my stepdad has tried to enforce upon us. 

WELL that went to complete shit yesterday when we went to visit my in-laws for the annual Christmas breakfast. Everything was going fine until Phillip and I decided to go sit outside with his dad, and he casually mentioned with a pity party tone; one of Phillip’s cousins was in jail for raping a woman. The things his father said about the woman when explaining were very nasty, and though at the time we did not know any details or picked a “side”, I was still digusted with how he described the women. 

I am very objective and like to look at all facts before being told how I’m suppose to feel, obviously I had interacted with this cousin on holidays before but he lives in Washington. I did think it was ironic that when I had talked about my past traumas of rape, abuse, and being assaulted at gunpoint, this cousin decided his two cents were important and simply told me to “move on and stop living in the past, let it go”. I told him if it were his daughter he wouldn’t be saying such things, he’d probably go out and kill the man. So I put that together after hearing this news and thought “wow that’s even more fucked up he was going through court dealings and had the nerve to tell me that when he barely knows me”... Then I decided to do a little digging on the internet, I’m a master at finding legal info online without paying a dime. I’ve done it before with my dad, both exes, ex friends, and even Phillip’s brother. 

Well well well, there it was in black and white, “Cousin charged with rape on tuesday night. Victim reported after refusing affections of kisses by cousin, cousin held victim down and forced vaginal intercourse. While being questioned, victim appeared distraught, weak, and trembling. Victim appeared with scratch marks on her arms and ripped/swelling of the ear, victim participated in a rape trauma kit. Protection order of sexual harassment filed against the cousin, cousin sent to jail with a 25k bond. Cousin set to appear before the court for official charging at a later date to be determined. 

After finding out all this out, I immediately became sick for multiple reasons. This man has a young daughter, I’ve associated with this man a handful of times, I thought he was decent, he’s been around other women and children, his entire family is spreading a sob story lie that could NOT be further from the truth. And on Christmas to boot. I really tried to just deal with it and put it away to focus on the festivities but it came up again in front of the entire family, this is what put me into full disassociation and anxiety mode. They all said the typical “cousin just isn’t like that” and “I know cousin that isn’t right” “ I hope he gets all this done with” “I wish he was here instead of dealing with this”. Feeling sorry for this monster. I was on the other side of it this time and it brought back so much of what I tried to forget.

I had enough after a half hour and if I held it in any longer I would have hurt myself, my mother in law was the only one in the room with me and my husband at this time. I let it all out and told her everything they knew was a lie, where I find this info and what really happened. I told her how shitty it was for FIL to talk so vile about that woman, family or no family there is no excuse. She replied with “well we didn’t find out til last friday, and he’s family”. I also told her I’ve been on the other side of this before and it is awful so it’s disappointing all of them are being this way, at that point I started crying which I have never done before in front of my MIL. Her reaction said. it. all.

Phillip’s parents should know my history since I’ve talked to them about it multiple times in our first few years of dating. But whenever I did they always looked at me like they didn’t hear me, didn’t want to hear me, or just flat out didn’t believe me. My MIL just sat there and would not look at me, she carried on and chose to keep watching a Christmas story and laugh or make jokes during memorable scenes. I’ve never felt more hurt or destroyed by his parents before yesterday and there have been a few times some drama came into the mix we’ve had to deal with. Especially during her cries over Phillip’s criminal brother and we’ve always been so supportive to them, whenever they needed us during a health crisis, or his brother’s legal trouble, or they needed money. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE, never to judge them, to sympathize with them. And then this all happened. Phillip was extremely disappointed in them, and he even said he was really upset because for the first time I had a December where I wasn’t in constant depression or anxiety mode; and they ruined it. That is putting it lightly, this is the first December he didn’t have to pick up the pieces of my mental anguish, and near psychotic paranoia.

This all brings into question whether I want to see them anymore or if they can be trusted. especially if we can ever find the miracle of having children. The answer is “that’s gonna be a huge hell fucking nah from me dawg”. This isn’t the first time they’ve been dismissive of a serious issue, they constantly defend and make excuses for whenever Phillip’s brother has done awful illegal things, or another cousin (that is actually a half brother to the rapist cousin) when he has stolen prescription drugs and money from both of us. There was even an incident where another of Phillip’s cousins accused her nephew of molesting her child. Swept under the rug and claimed said cousin was just “crazy”. Good to know my future children are in such good hands there.

It’s time to stop biting my tongue to these awful people, time to stop being polite. They can’t be trusted and I’m sick of going through the motions just to keep peace and not have to force my husband to pick sides. I don’t want to destroy his relationship with his parents but I refuse to act happy around these assholes anymore, I’ve had to do this with my medical issues for years because they don’t believe me about any of that either. I’m just sick of people, and sick of Christmas.

It’s been a hell of a week. Friday night Phillip and I went out to get dinner to go, and bring it back home. I didn’t even get to eat it because I was so tired, I went to sleep and then woke up with another dreadful stomach episode around 11pm-12am. It’s been a year since I’ve had one that bad, I stripped down naked and passed out on the floor for a little while before it all passed. It always makes me feel super nauseous and then I pass out, but the cold from the bathroom floor grounds me. 

After everything had passed I went back to sleep and I seemed to be okay for the rest of Saturday while we ran errands. We even had sex before we went out, which is odd because we don’t usually do that on the weekends or in the daytime. My health, and sexual dysfunction--that is even worse right now because of my hormones--means we don’t have sex more than maybe every 2-3 months with some non piv encounters in between. So it was a weird but nice change. 

Phillip got his hair cut in that sexy way I like, and then we went to browse for furniture at Big Lots. Whenever we can afford our apartment, at least we’ll know what we can afford and want. Then we went to Best Buy to browse for a new computer that Phillip wants, we really need one or at least a monitor. We’re tired of fucking around with this huge TV just to do our business online. Got groceries at target and then went home.

Ann gave me some tea that day too, Paul has already replaced me with more people he supposedly hates, more like just uses them when it’s convenient for him. And the funny thing is he has no idea I’ve cut the relationship off, but then again he never calls or texts me anyway it’s always been me keeping it alive. But he is still under the impression we’re good, and Saturdays are our thing so he definitely blew me off. I’ve been dreading every time my phone rings it’s gonna be him now. It’ll be weeks before I hear from him again, if I hear from again at all. I’ll be content and then he’ll try to ruin my good mood with his behavior. I’m not gonna do it, I can’t handle being in another abusive relationship, and that’s all he is, abusive and toxic. It’s done, and I’m not gonna get myself worked up again during a conversation explaining why I can’t deal with his bullshit anymore.

In other news, this drama with my dad has been going on for awhile and after him being his usual self I sought out the answers from the other party. And concluded everyone is guilty in some way. I feel a bit bad for him, but he put himself in the situation he’s in, and I can’t really help him if I tried. I really want what belongs to us back and then I’m just gonna wash my hands of him. He probably doesn’t even have what’s ours anyway but I’ll find out on Friday.

Yesterday while in the middle of typing my post, I texted Paul’s wife and asked if she knew about his supposed heroin deal. It had been bothering me since he has kids and can’t ever seem to grow up--let’s back up a second. 

So this year alone I’ve had three altercations with Paul already; the first was about him treating me awful, the second was the same deal, the third I was on the phone with him checking on him to make sure he was feeling better after a very deep talk and he called Lauren “a stupid fucking idiot” because--get this-- she dropped her vape chasing after her child about to run into traffic. She chose the safety of her autistic child over a stupid vape mod, so I went livid at how cruel his voice sounded when saying it. Needless to say he hasn’t been trying to change like he’s been patting himself on the back for all year. Let me list off what he has done to both us and continues to do:

is mean and cruel

mocks almost every thing we say, how we feel, and what we like

ignores us, talks over us, and changes the subject whenever he isn’t doing the previous

doesn’t respect boundaries, what hurts our feelings and makes us uncomfortable, then makes fun of that

is a user(downright admitted and is seemingly proud of it)

is a liar

is a thief

turns around every situation into somehow being our fault when he does something shitty

intentionally tries to get under our skin because it’s “fun getting a rise out of people”

uses love/friendship to excuse his behavior, manipulates using the pull and go method

goes over my head to ask my husband about things like I am a child

textbook term for sociopath(without the charm or intelligence)

Now that’s out of the way, every time I’ve seen Paul since these conversations I have been looking for some thread of change he claims he’s been making. Haven’t seen anything different, to quote him “I’m judging him for one mistake or the past.” No I’m judging how he treats me over and over and he just can’t get it through his head. 

The supposed heroin deal he told my husband and I last week and then drove off without giving us time to process, was a sham. I was positive it was anyway, but that’s beside the point. He claimed he needed money bad, as if him being desperate to sell heroin makes him look like a dedicated father. Had the nerve to ask if we were disappointed in him. YES, we are extremely disappointed because if he was telling the truth, that means we are guilty by association. I don’t want to fucking know, I don’t want to be put in that position. I DON’T want to have to call CPS because you are an idiot endangering your kids. 

He is an idiot because he came clean yesterday after I called Lauren, told her I wasn’t gonna put up with this anymore and I will be calling the proper channels if he feels the need to involve me in his trash. They both played us from the start, I’ll never know the real reason but I am done with his toxic friendship. His first instinct to cover up something mildly trashy was to put his whole family and life at risk by lying about selling drugs. He’s actually stupid. And so is she for being so damaged to allow that kind of stupidity and trash around her children all for a paycheck, and her pathetic need for a man. She is just as bad as he is, maybe worse. She is better at manipulating and as far as I know he has never touched her but she has him. 

And after trying to get my shit together all morning, I’ve deleted my old blogger where my legacy posts come from.  I tried to find a way around it and wordpress and it was a no go. I had another account just for this and during that process; found I never did delete my original tumblr, so here we are....yay....

The nitty gritty of it all, my extremely bitter and worthless ex-best friend Jackie thinks it’s funny to routinely stalk my account and send hate mail frequently. But is that really a surprise considering all the toxic bullshit (I’m not even gonna get too into everything but she’s done a lot of damage just being online and a creep) she’s pulled over the years?. I dumped her for the simple fact: she is utterly detrimental to my health and there was no saving whatever friendship we had. Years of trying on my part and getting nothing in return, so now she’s bitter because I had enough and the final straw was, I couldn’t watch her throw her life away over the trash she calls her boyfriend and that toxic “meth-head” life.

It’s whatever though, I needed to find a way to write again anyway. Now more than ever that I am alone and in the process of dumping the other toxic person in my life. Coincidentally that happens to be her ex-boyfriend that I met through her, what a surprise right? Match made in heaven.

I still have followers on here, can’t believe that. Can’t believe how unfiltered my posts used to be either, I sounded way too dramatic for some I’m sure. I’m more numb now but the pathetic thing is I was more alive back then being that way than I am now.

My struggle with wanting to die or hurting myself is now reversed, all I want is to stop hurting and to live a long time. Careful what you wish for, when I was a teenager and going through the worst trauma of my life, all I wanted was to stop living. But I didn’t understand what that meant and I think I really fucked myself cosmically speaking, my mentality has never been better but my physicality is deteriorating.  

The actual thought of dying, death, and the afterlife has been on my mind since I was diagnosed with a heart condition earlier this year. For about 2 months I had grieved my own impending death and just accepted the fact I would die from my heart. The news wasn’t as bad as I had been told but I’m still thinking about it every other day. I’m doing everything I can now (considering I still suffer from depression) to improve my health.

A lot of things have happened in the past 4 years, lots of bad but a few good things too. My life has always been a series of moments that are okay that go really bad for a long time, with small bursts of good. The rundown?

- During a break in my husband and I’s relationship a few years before we got married, for reasons that we both tried to work out together, I had thought I was becoming closer to a friend of mine, Thorn. Yeah sure.... What really happened was a 26 year old man manipulated and drugged me, that’s as far as I’m gonna say right now.

- I had to watch and sometimes be put in the middle of an abusive relationship, which was sometimes abusive to me. Paul always was an asshole but it’s only gotten worse with age, in a way you could say I’ve been trying to “leave him” for what feels like a solid year. My biggest character fault is thinking people can change and trying to find the good over the bad, yeah no I’m an idiot.

- I dumped Jackie, my best friend of 13 years, because I realized she didn’t care about me. I wasn’t going to watch her destroy her life no matter how many times I pleaded for her to come to her senses. The hilarious thing is after a few minor adjustments, I wasn’t that upset about breaking up with her. Nor have I have I been pulled back into that mess like in the past, Paul however has refused to let me end our friendship. With promises of change, and improvement or work on his behavior towards me and his wife. He hasn’t changed at all, just gas lights both of us into thinking we are the ones causing his behavior.

- My health has gone to hell in a hand basket, I was diagnosed with a heart condition, and MS. I’ve gained over 40 pounds in my stomach since I got married and no amount of exercise or diet will get rid of it. I got months without periods to having 2 in a month. Everyone in my house excluding my husband(knock on wood) is just broken.

That seems like I only keep track of the bad but I don’t, I can just recognize how shitty life has been. And the good moments are very few and far between. All I can really say that for the good moments, I got married, our reception was beautiful and we had the best time of our life when we took our first vacation together. Our relationship is the best it’s ever been minus a few trivial things.

I am going to start blogging again. Whether or not my followers leave, I prefer this to be private but I am not transferring all of these posts again to somewhere else. Don’t feel like it. 

I really don’t like how when you are typing a post almost everything in the background goes invisible, oh well. I don’t even know where to begin on how to start typing about my life again, but I need it to let it out somewhere, uncensored thoughts to roam free. 

The past few weeks I've been feeling left out and ignored by my group of friends. I've been bailed on, left out of them obviously hanging out like I can't tell from facebook, being ignored by two of them. Now I have two reasons that I think could be the cause, but if that is the case then they are shitty friends. 1. There overindulgence of pot-smoking.  

Now believe me when I say I have no problem with someone smoking pot for whatever reason(feels good, depression, anxiety, nausea, trying to keep food down, pain etc.). I even smoke it on occasion, well, before when I could afford it. Now I'm just fine not smoking at all, because I don't feel like wasting money on small amounts of pot that isn't even the good shit, and I get tired of smoking it sometimes. Plus after awhile it makes me feel bad if I do it a lot in a small time frame. It also makes me very anxious because of what happened to me in december of 2011(I was held up at gunpoint and robbed of things I held dear because my ex was stupid). Now I believe this is a reason because everytime I try to convince them that I'm not being paranoid since drug deals are very dangerous, they blow me off like I'm being stupid or I "don't trust them" . Especially when some of them believe in "if it's your time to die, you die, can't stop it". Uh yeah you can stop it by not putting yourself in stupid situations like my ex did. Or at least avoidable situations. They don't respect my decisions about that and it hurts me and pisses me off at the same time. 

2.Boyfriend and I were suppose to give one of the two girls ignoring me, a ride home. But didn't.

Now here is why we didn't. I was over at Lynn's house, I was suppose to spend the night there. Mind you, the two girls that have been ignoring me are the girls I am talking about in this section. So I was there and another friend, Mariah, was there. She had been staying there a few nights and was suppose to go home that night thanks to one of her friends taking her home. Mariah lives in a town that is almost an hour away from pretty much all of us, and Lynn was the one who brought her over there.. But Phillip and I volunteered to take her home the next day. Even though I had to go home that night the next day we still planned on taking her home. Aside from the fact she didn't respond to my messages until very late in the night, I told her we'd be by to take her home in 25 minutes......guess what? We get there and Lynn's boyfriend tells us they had JUST left to go get weed 45 minutes away(very close to Mariah's house). VERY inconsiderate of them and rude to not even tell us that or offer to just take her home then. The reason why we could not take her home is because at the time it was around 9pm, first of all Phillip had 8am classes to attend to the next morning at a college that is also about an hour away, second of all his parents needed him home that night before 10pm so they could discuss some money issues about his college, third of all my mom was with us running errands that day and she is not in the best of health to just be running around to other towns when she had to do stuff all day with us. My mom was exhausted. We could have taken Mariah home if she had been there when we arrived at Lynn's house. But we couldn't because that would have meant we would of had to wait on them for nearly two hours to get back from getting pot. It would have been around 11pm when they got back, which means it would have been around 1:30am when Phillip would have finally gotten home from taking Mariah home and from taking my mother and I home. 

So, for the past few weeks I have been feeling "pregnant". Sounds weird but I have felt it before and actually been pregnant  before aside from ectopics. I'm late on my period and I had sex a lot around the time of mine last month. Decided to take a pregnancy test.......and.....negative....AGAIN. It's bad enough my mind is telling me my 1percent chance could actually happen again but for my body to show all the signs AGAIN? Seriously, my body is playing a sick joke on my emotions. I'm so tired of this, this false hope that one day it will happen again and that this time I won't miscarry. 

Tonight I was telling my good friend Thorn the extent of my illnesses, and one of the reasons I feel so ugly is because my body can't produce children. For a womans body to not be able to do what it was made for just makes me feel less than adequate. 

So for the past six days, I have been suffereing from awful chest pain, coughing, severe bronchitis, pheumonia, and a fever. I had been to the hospital twice.

The first time my mom drove me, the second we called 911 because I thought i was legit going to die, I almost passe dout on my kitchen floor. The first visit, we were there for about 5 hours, I got treated again like a child. they were stingy but after me crying and yelling they finally gave me a breathing treatment, shoved a huge q-tip up my nose that almost touched my brain(no lie the nurses told me that) for a flu test. I came up negative. They sent me home with steriods to open up my lungs and hydocan cough syrup, which is bascially liquid hydrocodone.

That night I took my medicine, and I had gotten worse. Fever had spiked higher and I ended up throwing up 7-8 times during the night. thank god my boyfriend was there to help my mom take care of me. Now I have taken both of these meds before and never had any problems, the problem was the shitty service I got at the ER. they once again treated me like a child or a drug junkie looking for a hook up. I was misdiagnosed.

Anyway, the next day, after being dehydrated and having no food in my system my body shut down and I fell in my kitchen floor, I told my boyfriend to wake my mom and up and to call 911. EMTS got at my house and once a fucking gain they treated me with a condescending nature and kept telling me I had the fluno matter how many times we told them I had just been tested for it. As they took me to the hospital, they treated me as if nothing was wrong, no fast driving, no lights, and when we got there they didn't put me in a bed immediately like ER protocol stands for. They pushed me into the waiting room in a wheel chair, sat in there for about thirty minutes with a mask on my face. Then got into the triage room and was in there for over an hour with an oxygen mask on my face. The nurse had the nerve to tell me I shouldn't be laying on the floor because I could contract staph, I told her maybe she should get me a damn bed if she was so concerned, she walked out and didn't say a word. 

I finally got a bed and a different doctor from the previous day. He was very kind and respectful of my pain and discomfort. He ordered blood tests on me, a urinanalysis, a chest x-ray and let me rest a little bit. He gave me more oxygen, an IV of sodium chloride(saline for dehydration) a corticosteriod shot in the IV, a shot of morphine in the IV as well, and after he let me absorb all the medicine and rest for a few hours, he told me what was really wrong with me and sent me home with a steriod inhaler, a rescue inhaler, pain killers for my sciatica, chest pain and head ache and some pills to keep me from throwing up, along with antibiotics. 

Needless to say, I am JUST now getting over my fever and I'm breathing a little bit better, it's been six days now, the syrup and pain pills have helped me get through this better. Another bittersweet note, I have quit smoking, I feel great but I am starting to gain weight ): 

I figured I would update this since this was a very serious time for me, I could have died. Thanks to my asshole future father in law, I caught all of this from him when I decided to be supportive and follow him to the hospital with my boyfriend on New Years Day. 

This brings me to other issues, all of his family have been really supportive of him and caring about him being in the hospital and his decision to nto be around smoke and quit smoking himself, yet they know I had much worse illnesses during my sickness but still decide to smoke around me and treat me like nothing happened to me but cater to my boyfriends dad like he could die at any minute if they as much smoke in the same room as him. It makes me feel like they don't care about my health or my choice to quit smoking because I could end up back in the hospital. Even more fucked up is they pick the room directly beside my boyfriends to smoke at, to keep the smoke away from my boyfriends dad, which all of that smoke goes into my boyfriends room. His parents have no respect for me it seems, and this is really heartbreaking tome because I had a great relationship with them up until December.

Okay, so I know there is something called seasonal depression where you get more depressed during a certain time of year. Usually in most cases, it's winter.  I can understand why *WARNING* random bouts of bitching and triggers are about to occure. This time of year always has me the most anxious, I've had a lot of trauma happen in December and February. I mention boyfriends, I've had three total and number 1 and 2 are mentioned so there is no confusion. I'll start in order of what they are 

December,13th, 2009: Pressured into losing my virginity to an abusive boyfriend, which he made no plans of making it in anyway special. It lasted ten minutes, he didn't cum which made me feel ugly and he goggled at my lady parts like it was something he had never seen before(he was NOT a virgin). Very uncomfortable. And his best friend was in the kitchen who came in to feed us afterwards. None of this by my choice, he saw nothing wrong with any of this.

December,18th, 2009: My grandfather died(the greatest man in my life and the most stable) after months of decaying away and finally lapsing into a coma. During this time, a cousin of my mom's who had been absent from her and my grandfather for more than ten years decided to come back and say she cared so much for him and that when he died he waited for her to sing to him while he died. She also tried to make my mom feel like shit because she had to plan all the funeral arrangments by herself. 

December,21st, 2009: Had my grandfather's funeral ruined by my boyfriend at the time by making an ass of himself to all of my family, then he forced me to go with him and a bunch of friends to 1.stir up trouble with an ex of his by breaking into her house 2.get bitched at for being depressed about my pa dying 3.boyfriend decided to make that day all about him and his dead drunk dad(he made us go to a graveyard which conviently didn't have a grave marker for his dad) 4. he told me I looked terrible and that I looked like I was dressed for a shitty funeral 5.went to a girl named Annette's house to later find out while he was wantng privacy with her he was proclaiming his love for her and she rejected it

February 21st-27th, 2010: Tried to commit suicide and ended up in a 72 hour lockdown at my county hospital, then stayed home from school the rest of the week while everyone else thought I just had the flu. During that time my boyfriend took comfort in a whores arms and fucked her in the school elevator while claiming he was " seeking comfort for being so worried about me". On the 27th(on our four monthiversary) he sodimized me that night and then tried to play it off like he "thought it was the wrong hole" when that night he clearly told me I "was gonna like it and there was nothing I could do about it".

December,23rd, 2011: Ironically this is my father's birthday. This was the night that boyfriend number 2 and I were robbed at gunpoint by two wannabe thugs who coincidently I went to middle school with one of them. They took our cell phones, my brand new computer that was given to me as a Christmas gift by my mom using her last saved dollars, my purse which had my very personal diary, IDs, items of sentiment, and they robbed me of my sense of safety and wellbeing. I can still remember the rush of warmth I felt all over my body right before he pulled the gun. They hit him over the head and left a welt, they stole twenty dollars from us and thought we had more and didn't believe us when we said we were broke. They even told us that we should have a merry christmas and that their kids couldn't eat for christmas. Well you know what? I haven't had a christmas in years where we had dinner on that night or presents or even a simple tree. So I felt no guilt when I sent one of those bastards to prison. Fucking deserved it.