All I see through my eyes is beauty

I have been meaning to talk to you for a while.  Here is the part where But would appear, so it would be best to get to the point from head on. Like how you would like to do this shit.  I know, I’ve been hard on you and being the worst critic of oneself. This part of life is where things are actually getting tougher and you're just sitting there thinking, “What did just happened? Did that really happened?” Life does not go in the way you would like to go. Just let go of the control that you never could have in your life. Embrace the flow, even when it is terrifying as you don't know which way you’ll get. Tomorrow it could be up, or still going up. There is a possibility it could go down and what matters is how you handle it during the scenes of life. Lately Ive found myself shut down. Not sure how to express myself, explaining something of myself that my family and my best friends isn’t used to going blind. When I talk to my DeafBlind friends, they get me. They know what it is like.  I’m at that point where my vision is really changed and to be honest i’m scared shitless. Because Life is so unpredictable.  For example, just only yesterday you found out that your mom has a *pardon my language* fucking eye disease where there’ll be pressure on her eye canal and it’ll cause her to be blind. What the fuck. I love how life really works. My family and I are constantly faced with  challenge faced in our path. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and also what you don't process can suffocate you.  Process, let your emotions do the thing,and mediate to love myself more. You got this, I know you do, you just need to believe in yourself. 

All my life I struggled to love myself, trust myself and everyone.  All my life my issues and concerns were deemed as overdramatic and wasting your energy.  For once, I would love for you to be in my shoes.  I had a man who gave me dirty angry looks at me behind everyones back.  He called me fat and laugh.  I told my mom that he did that. She said.. Oh stop he's just joking.  Really? It didn’t feel like a joke to me. It actually hurts.  Or what about that time when my mom and my stepdad had my arms and fought over me and nearly popping my arms out of sockets.  And they just went on with their life normally. What about that time when my mother was out of town and my stepdad decided to think it would be fun to scare me by growling and chasing me around the house, even when I said stop stop.  I ran into my room and locked the door. He actually took it far by banging and saying let me in.  Am I being dramatic? Am I too sensitive? IS it wrong for me still feel traumatized.  Now bringing my deafness and vision loss into the picture. My family would have so much fun but I can hardly even understand as they all talk with their mouths.  “mom mom what did you say,”  “it's not important”  Every time we leave the party or family gathering, I would try to speak up saying, “I don't feel I'm part of the family because no one involved me”. My mom’s reaction scares me the most because it is the same one every time. “SHUT THE FUCK UP JENNIFER WE ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THIS. MOVE FUCKING ON AND GROW UP.” I tried to fight back by explaining my life. She says.. Oh fucking poor you I guess i’m an awful mother. SHUT UP. But I keep going on and on until i’m heard. DON'T MAKE ME PULL OVER AND BEAT YOUR ASS. And is it still wrong of me to feel what I feel? I don't feel i’m part of my family as they still don't hear me out. And it sucks because no one actually understands.  I”m going to leave this family and try to find my own happiness.