But, no, because there are reasons for all of those seemingly weird English bits.
Like βeggplantβ is called βeggplantβ because the white-skinned variety (to which the name originally applied) looks very egg-like.
The βhamburgerβ is named after the city of Hamburg.
The name βpineappleβ originally (in Middle English) applied to pine cones (ie. the fruit of pines - the word βappleβ at the time often being used more generically than it is now), and because the tropical pineapple bears a strong resemblance to pine cones, the name transferred.
The βEnglishβ muffin was not invented in England, no, but it was invented by an Englishman, Samuel Bath Thomas, in New York in 1894. The name differentiates the βEnglish-styleβ savoury muffin from βAmericanβ muffins which are commonly sweet.
βFrench friesβ are not named for their country of origin (also the United States), but for their preparation. They are French-cut fried potatoes - ie. French fries.
βSweetmeatsβ originally referred to candied fruits or nuts, and given that we still use the term βnutmeatβ to describe the edible part of a nut and βfleshβ to describe the edible part of a fruit, that makes sense.
βSweetbreadβ has nothing whatsoever to do with bread, but comes from the Middle English βbredeβ, meaning βroasted meatβ. βSweetβ refers not to being sugary, but to being rich in flavour.
Similarly, βquicksandβ means not βfast sandβ, but βliving sandβ (from the Old English βcwicuβ - βaliveβ).
The term boxing βringβ is a holdover from the time when the βringβ would have been just that - a circle marked on the ground. The first square boxing ring did not appear until 1838. In the rules of the sport itself, there is also a ring - real or imagined - drawn within the now square arena in which the boxers meet at the beginning of each round.
The etymology of βguinea pigβ is disputed, but one suggestion has been that the sounds the animals makes are similar to the grunting of a pig. Also, as with the βappleβ that caused confusion in βpineappleβ, βGuineaβ used to be the catch-all name for any unspecified far away place. Another suggestion is that the animal was named after the sailors - the βGuinea-menβ - who first brought it to England from its native South America.
As for the discrepancies between verb and noun forms, between plurals, and conjugations, these are always the result of differing word derivation.
Writers write because the meaning of the word βwriterβ is βone who writesβ, but fingers never fing because βfingerβ is not a noun derived from a verb. Hammers donβt ham because the noun βhammerβ, derived from the Old Norse βhamarrβ, meaning βstoneβ and/or βtool with a stone headβ, is how we derive the verb βto hammerβ - ie. to use such a tool. But grocers, in a certain sense, DO βgroceβ, given that the word βgrocerβ means βone who buys and sells in grossβ (from the Latin βgrossariusβ, meaning βwholesalerβ).
βToothβ and βteethβ is the legacy of the Old English βtoΓ°β and βteΓ°β, whereas βboothβ comes from the Old Danish βboΓΎβ. βGooseβ and βgeeseβ, from the Old English βgΕsβ and βgΔsβ, follow the same pattern, but βmooseβ is an Algonquian word (Abenaki: βmozβ, Ojibwe: βmoozβ, Delaware: βmo:sβ). βIndexβ is a Latin loanword, and forms its plural quite predictably by the Latin model (ex: matrix -> matrices, vertex -> vertices, helix -> helices).
One can βmake amendsβ - which is to say, to amend what needs amending - and, case by case, can βamendβ or βmake an amendmentβ. No conflict there.
βOdds and endsβ is not word, but a phrase. It is, necessarily, by its very meaning, plural, given that it refers to a collection of miscellany. A single object canβt be described in the same terms as a group.
βTeachβ and βtaughtβ go back to Old English βtΓ¦canβ and βtΓ¦hteβ, but βpreachβ comes from Latin βpredicianβ (βprΓ¦β + βdicareβ - βto proclaimβ).
βVegetarianβ comes of βvegetableβ and βagrarianβ - put into common use in 1847 by the Vegetarian Society in Britain.
βHumanitarianβ, on the other hand, is a portmanteau of βhumanityβ and βUnitarianβ, coined in 1794 to described a Christian philosophical position - βOne who affirms the humanity of Christ but denies his pre-existence and divinityβ. It didnβt take on its current meaning of βethical benevolenceβ until 1838. The meaning of βphilanthropistβ or βone who advocates or practices human action to solve social problemsβ didnβt come into use until 1842.
We recite a play because the word comes from the Latin βrecitareβ - βto read aloud, to repeat from memoryβ. βRecitalβ is βthe act of recitingβ. Even this usage makes sense if you consider that the Latin βciteβ comes from the Greek βcieoβ - βto move, to stir, to rouse , to excite, to call upon, to summonβ. Music βrousesβ an emotional response. One plays at a recital for an audience one has βcalled uponβ to listen.
The verb βto shipβ is obviously a holdover from when the primary means of moving goods was by ship, but βcargoβ comes from the Spanish βcargarβ, meaning βto load, to burden, to impose taxesβ, via the Latin βcarricareβ - βto load on a cartβ.
βRunβ (moving fast) and βrunβ (flowing) are homonyms with different roots in Old English: βΓ¦rnanβ - βto ride, to reach, to run to, to gain by runningβ, and βrinnanβ - βto flow, to run togetherβ. Noses flow in the second sense, while feet run in the first. Simillarly, βto smellβ has both the meaning βto emitβ or βto perceiveβ odor. Feet, naturally, may do the former, but not the latter.
βFat chanceβ is an intentionally sarcastic expression of the sentiment βslim chanceβ in the same way that βYeah, rightβ expresses doubt - by saying the opposite.
βWise guyβ vs. βwise manβ is a result of two different uses of the word βwiseβ. Originally, from Old English βwisβ, it meant βto know, to seeβ. It is closely related to Old English βwitβ - βknowledge, understanding, intelligence, mindβ. From German, we get βWitzβ, meaning βjoke, witticismβ. So, a wise man knows, sees, and understands. A wise guy cracks jokes.
The seemingly contradictory βburn upβ and βburn downβ arenβt really contradictory at all, but relative. A thing which burns up is consumed by fire. A house burns down because, as it burns, it collapses.
βFill inβ and βfill outβ are phrasal verbs with a difference of meaning so slight as to be largely interchangeable, but there is a difference of meaning. To use the example in the post, you fill OUT a form by filling it IN, not the other way around. That is because βfill inβ means βto supply what is missingβ - in the example, that would be information, but by the same token, one can βfill inβ an outline to make a solid shape, and one can βfill inβ for a missing person by taking his/her place. βFill outβ, on the other hand, means βto complete by supplying what is missingβ, so that form we mentioned will not be filled OUT until we fill IN all the missing information.
An alarm may βgo offβ and it may be turned on (ie. armed), but it does not βgo onβ. That is because the verb βto go offβ means βto become active suddenly, to triggerβ (which is why bombs and guns also go off, but do not go on).
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