the psychologist’s fallacy

it is a tense dance

that no one can see

nobody, nobody

nobody but me

he can't be my fp. i've never met him or even spoken with him privately. he provides a distraction for me and i take care of him in return.

but i still get those feelings of envy, of possessiveness, of anxiety. he's replacing me with someone else. he hates me. he'll leave me. and it's funny because i never really had him in the first place. he's not my fp. we don't know each other. our relationship is a casual sort of professional at best. there's distance, for certain.

yet. i still feel like i can claim him. in some way. i feel like i'm important, like i'm special to him. i don't want to lose that. i can't lose that. it's the tether that keeps me grounded while the world floats around me, the motivation to keep going while the currents push against me. i'm not important or special to anyone else.

so, no. he's not my fp. but he matters. a lot. i can't stand the thought of being replaced by someone else in his eyes, even if they deserve it more. even if i deserve nothing. i can't stand the person who might replace me, even if they've only ever been nice and helpful and loved the person i care about, just as i do, just like so many others.

are these feelings going to underlie all of my relationships for the rest of my life? even when the person isn't my fp, when they're not even close to being my fp? is that what this is?

my fear of abandonment, apparently, stems so far and wide that it permeates, poisons, all the good things i could dream of. my insecurities and anxieties over that will never be dissuaded, for i am a self-fulfilling prophecy.

from

sobbing with emotion and despair filling every crevice of my broken heart

to

it's just that

I've been in too many relationships

that said

that promised

that swore

to be stable

to be sturdy, to be strong, to be lasting

to hold even when I pushed against it

and yet

when I actually pushed against it

it crumpled

immediately

collapsing like a pile of ashes

so I'm afraid now

to push

I don't trust relationships to hold

against my weight

so I don't push

ever

even if it's in my best interest to push

even if it means that I'll

slowly, silently suffocate

under my own weight

I don't push

because the feeling of

a relationship falling apart

underneath me

is the worst feeling

worse even than

imploding

upon myself

devoid of hope

and

I'm lost

and

why why why why why why why wh-

and

something hurts

and

it's so fucking dark

and

empty........... empty

and

I can't breathe I don't want

and