m.s

And maybe it's not as simple for you as it is for others, Maybe you have stayed up all night wishing for something But it never happened. Maybe you dreamed about tomorrow then woke up today. Maybe you find difficulty comprehending what everyone else calls simple. And maybe you watch the lies of others simultaneously comparing these to your own. Maybe you formulate theories of another life better than you could ever solve your math equations or articulate a thesis. These things we call a waste of time it's a sad sad effort to spend our entire lives documenting someone else's. And maybe they appear to "have it all together" Maybe they post pictures with a million dollar smile, and a name brand drink. Maybe they don't talk to you even when you are the nicest you can be even when you just need someone to be there. Just so you can convince yourself that you're not alone. But let me tell you something, Even if you erupt in flames, you will burn brighter than the futures of the people you so desperately wish to become. You will fly higher, and scorch longer. People from all around will be ignited by the sparks of someone so invisible they couldn't be ignored. One day they will look at the effort, the time the life And they will wish that they had yours.

I've tried to hide  but you see straight through me. By now you know too well, a smile is not always automatically linked to happiness. But oh you try to get me to  display that curvature. I guess they say if you pretend  to be something enough you'll become it. So, I will try to be that girl who laughs and sparks a chain reaction. The girl people can't help looking at because all they want is to feel that alive as well. I am trying to become the girl you already think I am.

When you run away all you find are more things to hide from.

Some of my memories  are hazy and vague but others are spellbindingly vivid. Especially my memories of us before  the specifics pre-fallout us. I remember I told you everything and I was the first to know anything that changed in your life. I remember  that your life and my life became so intertwined that usually our big news  wasn't so secret. And I remember  most of all the feeling of my heart falling through the  bottom of  my torso. I remember when I realized that I had lost someone so close. It's rather strange how  I remember  the little things more than the big ones. I remember  so much and it all comes at once and I cannot handle that. But  the only thing I can't remember no matter how hard I try is why we no longer talk. Why when they ask me if I know you, I realize I no longer do. And one day I fear I'll remember having something to remember but  it'll be so long gone, I forget what it was too.

The loneliest I’ve ever felt were the moments where I desperately needed someone to talk to. But I know no one can help, and they would feel awful about that. Plus I would not even know what to say or I’d word things poorly. I have tried before; the sadness and frustration only multiplies.