one final health update and wip list.
I am very burnt out again. my back pain has spread to the rest of my body over the last year (which is why I have been inactive for multiple months at a time). I’ve kept quiet abt the extent of it but it’s constant now and it’s getting worse. I think it’s a chronic issue, but my doctor thinks I’m too young for chronic pain! so that routes a dead end.
honestly it’s been hard to write or be creative when my body is constantly in pain. I haven’t been to the gym in two months. I feel like I’m deteriorating despite doing everything right and yet I’m still in pain and nothing seems to help.
I know the lack of updates and fics and “I’ll post soon i promise!” has been frustrating. I am equally if not more upset that I can’t post or indulge in my hobbies. I’ll be back eventually, which I know sounds like another empty promise but I’ve booked a chiropractor appointment as a last resort for some kind of diagnosis.
“you should’ve done that before!” I believe the chiropractor is a scam and I didn’t have health insurance before but now I do. I’ve had routine xrays for years and nothing shows up on my scans bcs the primary focus was my back. I had back pain. now it’s just bone pain everywhere.
that aside, I’m mentally struggling to accept that I might actually be physically disabled as well. I know that it’s internalized ableism and I’m working on it, but the magnitude of my pain has always been neglected by doctors. for me to even admit that I’ve had back pain for ten years,,,,,, and that it wasn’t indeed all in my head, that I’m actually in pain,,,,,, took so long. to attach that to a disability? this is a lot to work out in therapy.
I think I’ve issued myself an ultimatum too with this situation. either get it sorted out or deactivate. and as much as I don’t want to do that, there is so much pressure that comes with being a writer online. “when are you coming back” makes me want to never come back sometimes. especially because this has been so out of my control. and I know everyone means well, but it’s frustrating to feel forced to write.
I’ve been writing but it’s nothing I’m proud of. nothing I would ever want to put out. things manufactured out of pressure never work. that being said, here is the final wip list of things to be posted for the remainder of the year:
tell it to my heart series to completion
resume kinktober in october
woozi hockey player au ft goalie brother hoshi for the holidays
zombie au (at least prologue) will be posted at some point as well. i need to coordinate w shaya on this one.
Yeah. okay. that’s all. I’ll try n figure this one out but idk it’s looking a little rough. I’m also on a waitlist to get my human producing organ removed so. I’ll have free time when that happens. I have missed tumblr ngl sigh. I’ll be back whenever. idk when that is yet but. also band fic coming early next year
