sailor of silence

A Place for the Placeless the letters curled around the red and white stripes of a circus tent, you continued reading, the name of the circus The Midnight Menagerie was bold in the center. The rest of the text on the bottom of the page detailed information about auditions, looking specifically for a contortionist. You peeled the page off the wall.

The flier stared at you from your refrigerator for weeks. You still have no idea what possessed you to take it from the alley, or to tape it to your refrigerator. The audition date was rapidly approaching and you weren't sure why you were even considering going. Sure, you were trained as a contortionist, but that was years ago. You much preferred ballet, which is what the jobs you had been auditioning for for months have been.

Every so often, when you spot the flier from your living room, you get on the floor and see if you can still do any of your old moves. Luckily, you never quit dancing so it comes back easily, like riding a bike.

"Am I really going to do this?" You wondered out loud to yourself, staring at the flier when you just came into the kitchen for a snack. The audition was in two days. Did you want to be a circus performer? That would pretty much pigeon hole your career. What career? Some cynical part of your mind echoed. You hadn't had any work in months, you could barely pay your rent anymore.

A Place for the Placeless the flier boasted from your refrigerator. That would be nice, to feel like you belong somewhere. Maybe you could actually meet someone besides the catty girls you see at every audition these days.

You paced the floor of your kitchen for so long you were scared you might wear a rut into the floor. You would need a new routine, one that shows off the tricks you haven't practiced in years. What would impress a circus? Who else would be there?

You sighed and began to construct what might be your most desperate idea yet.

You were late, well, almost late. Your shoes smacked the pavement as you ran through the city, lungs burning as you approached the small artist space where the Midnight Menagerie was holding auditions today.

The room was dimly lit when you entered, the person who sat behind the table was settled in the shadows. You squinted to see him, his long dark hair falling over his face as he lifts a hand to greet you.

"Small group," he clicked his tongue. "I was hoping for more options." You look around the room and realization hits you, there is no one else here. "You'll still have to audition, can't just give it to you."

"Of course." You nodded, still feeling a bit excited about the idea of not having to deal with a full casting call. The music for your routine began, which was strange because you didn't remember giving it to anyone. The tricks are difficult and you're still rusty, but you manage to make your way through your routine.

"Impressive." The man stated simply. "Do you have anything else?"

"Uh.." You panicked. "This is what I prepared."

"Not to worry." The man waved his hand and music you had never heard before began to play. "You may improvise." You didn't even have time to wonder how the music was playing, or who else may be here, before you began to dance. You weren't even sure where this determination came from, it's not like you really wanted to join the circus. Thoughts ran through your head about so many things, what moves to do next, what you did wrong in your life to get you to this point.

The man raised his hand and the music cut off abruptly, "I've seen enough."

He was going to cut you, he was going to cut you and you were the only one here.

"I would love for you to join us."

"Welcome my dear," the man from your audition greeted you at the entrance, "to the Midnight Menagerie!" He sweeps his arm behind him, opening the door for you. Upon entering, your greeted by a large empty dimly lit room. You shifted uncomfortably as you waited for him to lock the door behind you. "I'd like you to meet Soonyoung," he said, suddenly beside you. "He will be your guide and you will be working together in your act." He pressed lightly on the small of your back, urging you to walk forward.

He guided you into a smaller, but still quite large, office off of the open space. There was a man waiting inside the office, seated in a small chair next to the ornate desk. The man who you assumed to be the ring leader snapped his fingers and Soonyoung rose from his chair and shuffled over to the two of you.

The first thing you noticed about Soonyoung was his eyes, they were white, pure white, no pupil or anything. Almost like a void. The second thing you noticed about Soonyoung was the makeup. It was probably once very intricately detailed clown-like makeup, but now it was streaked with sweat and worn away with long term wear. If you were being completely honest, Soonyoung scared you a bit.

"Say hello." The ring master whispered to you. You took a step toward Soonyoung, he was quite a bit taller than you, and had a build that you knew would be good for lifts.

"Nice to meet you…" You held out your hand for him to shake.

"He probably won't shake your hand." The ring leader said flatly from behind you. "But he will show you around and then to your quarters for you to get settled. He moved to sit behind his desk, "I have work to do, Soonyoung return to me when you're finished."

Soonyoung took your trunk from you and started walking toward the door. He showed you to the main performance space, there was the classic three ring circus set up with rows and rows of bleachers designed to give everyone the best view of the show. You wandered over to the platform closest to you and did a few pirouettes, the surface was nice for turning and you couldn't see there being an issue with dancing here.

You turned back to where Soonyoung was standing, face void of any emotion, waiting for you. Walking toward him, he turned on his heel and continued down the corridor. The building the circus was housed in was not unlike a maze, you weren't sure how you were ever going to confidently know your way around.

Soonyoung was quite a ways ahead of you, you could still see him, but you were taking your time. If you were going to live here you would like to try and remember at least where the bathroom was. While you were mapping everything out in your mind you felt an odd sensation, like something was pulling you toward the floor. You fell to the ground with a clatter. Soonyoung turned toward you and you could hear him run toward you and stomp something out before helping you up.

He tilted his head at you.

"I'm..okay." You told him awkwardly. He nodded slowly. He points at his mouth and hums a tune lowly and then grabs you by the arm and continues down the corridor.

You let out a scream of frustration, you had been trying to make a routine with the prop, a giant golden cage, work for the entire afternoon. The ringleader had told you that you needed a gimmick and to make it work. However, an entire afternoon of falling off the cage and attempting to do your contortion tricks inside of it was proving to be what felt like your demise.

At present, you were laying on your back underneath the cage, staring up at the top. Your first show was tomorrow and you had absolutely nothing. Absentmindedly, you thought about what might happen if you just laid here like this for your act. You laughed to yourself.

Suddenly, someone's face was in your line of sight. Your eyes flicked over your new company, Soonyoung was stood over you, bent at the waist. His face was blank, but his body language betrayed curiosity.

"I can't think of a single thing for our routine." You informed him. His head tilted to the side before he straightened up to look around the cage. You watched as he explored the perimeter of the cage, his head moved with his exploration. Eventually, he grabbed the parallel bar and hoisted himself up, he kicked his legs over the bar and hung upside down. He pulled himself back up an experimented with different ways to get on and off of the bar. "Why do you know how to do that stuff?" You wondered out loud.

He gestured for you to join him. You rolled your body over the bar and kicked your legs over it, joining in hanging upside down. He kicks down from the bar and takes your body in his arms and effortlessly lifts you down bridal style. He spins you around a few times before returning you to your feet. "That could work.." You whispered trying to keep from blushing. Something about his touch is electric.

You sit on the floor, still under the cage, and begin writing in the notebook you brought with you. You were lost in thought so you didn't see where Soonyoung was for a few moments. His fingers wrapped around your ankle, you look up at him, he was on his hands and knees, staring at you. You furrowed your brow at him, you couldn't make yourself be scared of him. He pulled you to him by your leg and crawled over you so that you were face to face. He put a finger to his lips, you stared at him wide eyed as you heard someone slamming around just outside the main room.

You thought about the moment that Soonyoung protected you from what was happening for the rest of the day until you fell asleep. When you woke up the morning of the show all you could see were his vacant eyes in your head.

Soonyoung was already in your dressing room when you entered that afternoon. He was standing in the middle of the room, waiting for you. He pointed at the rack of costumes provided for you. You moved to it quietly and sorted through the various leotards and bodysuits.

"They're beautiful." You commented, knowing Soonyoung wouldn't respond. You pick one of the leotards off the hanger and draped it over your body, eyeing if it would fit in the floor length mirror. Nodding to yourself you moved to sit at the vanity to start your makeup. Soonyoung stared over your shoulder as you tried to figure out what type of look you were going for.

Once your makeup was done you turned to Soonyoung. "Do you need yours redone?" You asked. He stared at you blankly. You got up from your chair, grabbed his arm, and pulled him to sit on the vanity. You took a cloth and moved toward him. He shook his head frantically. "I can't take it off? He shook his head slowly.

You put the cloth back on the vanity. Curiously, you pull out your face paints and begin to apply makeup over his old makeup. He allowed you to do this, this was somehow the closest you had ever been to his face despite choreographing an entire routine with him the day before. His eyes looked just like normal eyes, the iris and pupil were just gone. It was unsettling to say the least.

You did your best to match the makeup you could see on his skin and he looked refreshed at the end of it. You turned to your vanity and grabbed the leotard from where you slung it over the back of the chair. Slinking behind the changing partition in the room you wondered if Soonyoung could truly see you. He must be able to in some sense, but you weren't sure how. You shimmied into the leotard that somehow was the correct size, the rhinestones were beautiful and it fit you like a glove.

You emerged into the open space of your dressing room and Soonyoung grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze before leading you up to the main performance space.

You woke up with a start the morning of your second show at the Midnight Menagerie. The show from the night before left you energized and excited for what comes next. You stretched your arms over your head, your sore muscles made you feel stiff. Gathering your items for your shower, you hummed the music that accompanied your routine to yourself.

Soon, the shower sputtered to life and rained lukewarm water over your head. You could hear someone shuffling through their own washing in the shower stall next to yours, you continued to hum. Although you were feeling excited about your success last night, you learned rather quickly that you need to keep alert around here, humming the song was a good way of making sure the person next to you would know if something happened to you. Eventually, they joined you in humming the music.

They left the shower room before you, leaving you in the silence of the running water and your own thoughts. Every time you closed your eyes you saw Soonyoung's vacant ones behind your lids. He is some how in tune to your every move despite the clouds over his irises. You needed to find out what was going on.

After you were dressed and you braided your hair you ventured down the hallway to your dressing room. Your soft voice carrying the same song as before alerted the occupant of the room to your arrival. You knew it was Soonyoung without having to see his face, his white purple hair and his stature gave him away. He turned to you as he heard you enter.

Your humming stopped abruptly, the silence in the room deafening, but all you could focus on was his eyes. They were brown.

"Soonyoung?" You asked hesitantly. He nodded.

"That's me." His voice crackled with lack of use. You could tell he didn't quite recognize you and that he hasn't spoken in a very long time.

"My name is Y/N…" You ventured.

"Y/N…" He whispered, tasting your name in his mouth. His voice was different than you expected, softer. "I'm your partner for your act, right?" He tilted his head with the question.

"Yes," you move past him to sit at your vanity. "Do you remember anything?"

"Yes, I think so." He nodded and moved to perch on your vanity. It all felt strange, like you had done this before but not quite. Which you figured was true enough. You glanced up at his face, he was looking down at you, the calculations present on his face. You had never seen him so expressive before, which may be the opposite of what a clown should be. You liked him better this way, expressive and human.

He watched as you pulled your makeup out of the basket you kept it in, lining up each product in the order in which you will apply it.

"Got a light?" Soonyoung asked, you looked back up at him as he placed a cigarette between his lips. You dug through the basket again and pulled out a book of matches. The match sparked to life as you struck it against the matchbox, you held the flame close to the end of his cigarette until you heard the sizzle it catching fire. "Thanks." He smiled, taking it between his fingers.

"No worries, I didn't know you smoked." You offered, sinking back into your chair.

"Me either." He laughed. "Box was in my pocket." Despite the ruined makeup, Soonyoung radiated joy when he smiled.

"How did you end up here?" You asked, starting on your makeup. He took a long drag and blew the smoke into the air above his head.

"I'm not sure I remember." He admitted. "I don't remember much about my life before, and I don't remember anything before you came." The confession punched you straight in the gut. "All I know is that He gives me a place to stay and an opportunity to perform."

"You were a performer before coming here too?"

"Yeah, we all were, right?" He taps ash onto the floor. "I don't remember what exactly it was I was doing, but I know I love to dance."

"Me too." You smile sadly.

"I wish I could remember what you look like when you perform." He smiled at you. He suddenly sat up straighter and began kicking his feet in the air where they dangled just seconds before. "Maybe I can tonight! I remember how to speak, so maybe I can actually see your act!" His sudden excitement made you feel almost giddy. You smile at him as he takes another, much more excited drag, of his cigarette.

"We don't really know each other, why are you so excited?" You asked, the whisper of a tease in your tone.

"Because," he looked down at you seriously now, "I know how performing with you made me feel. I was desperate to break out of whatever spell he has on me." You were taken aback by his words, you were under the impression that he didn't know what was going on when the ringleader had him possessed.

"You know he has a spell on you?" You asked, barely above a whisper.

"That's what I assume it is, and finally, I've woken up."

"I…I hope you stay awake." You admit. You like this version of Soonyoung, open, excitable.

"Me too." He smiled so widely his eyes almost closed. You finished the last few touches of your makeup and stood to face him.

"Let's fix that makeup." You smiled back. "I have no idea what you did before me."

"Let it look like this." He laughed. His legs parted to allow you to stand between them to get closer to his face. Soonyoung you learned in this moment had a habit of looking at you like you hung the stars in the sky. You swiped your brush across his face, leaving behind the white face paint you were used to seeing him in and he stared at you almost lovingly. Like he credited you with waking up.

"Stop looking at me like that." You nudge his shoulder.

"Like what?"

"Like I saved you."

"You did, I think." He insisted.

"What are you talking about?" You took a step away from him.

"The first thing I remember in years is the way you sound when you're humming in the shower." He searches your face. "I heard you this morning." As soon as his words hit you his eyes began to cloud over and he was gone.

His eyes were cloudy again. His eyes haven't been brown in days. You stared at him as he stared blankly ahead, waiting for your act to be introduced. You don't think you could go back to this version of him after meeting the real Soonyoung. You barely heard the ring master introduce you before Soonyoung was grabbing your hand and walking out into the light with you.

You straighten your posture, turning on your showmanship for the crowd. Soonyoung leads you around the open room, your outfit sparkling in the lights, until arriving at the ring with a large golden cage. You climb inside and get into position, waiting for the music to begin.

Even while performing, you can't get the image of his vacant eyes out of your head, it didn't help that there were parts of your choreography that you had to look at them. Looking into his eyes like this, it made you uneasy in a way you couldn't stomach.

You forgot to spot your turns. You had been dancing since you were two-years-old and you forgot to spot your turns. You fall with a flourish but you still manage to land with your weight on your hip. Soonyoung rushed to you as the lights cut out. You could tell that he was trying to break out of his trance, his eyes trying to clear. There was screaming somewhere in the distance.

"Get up, you're coming with me." The gruff voice of the ring leader rang in your ear.

He threw you into Soonyoung's chair after he dragged you from the main room. You looked around for Soonyoung himself, to no avail. "I've dismissed him for now. My issue at present is with you." He hissed.

"What did I do?"

"What did you do?" He loomed over you. "You made us look like fools!"

"I fell." You turned up your nose, trying to feign confidence.

"We don't make mistakes like that around here."

"What is this really about?" You sneered.

"Listen here you little bitch," he leaned forward and placed his hands on the arms of the chair. "We don't make mistakes and I am starting to think you might not be what we're looking for around here."

"Soonyoung seems to like me."

"What makes you think Soonyoung has any say in what happens here." He chuckled darkly. "Soonyoung can't even speak unless I allow it." He spins the chair around and dumps you onto the floor. "And I suggest you do the same, little bird." He stalks toward you and kicks the hip you fell on earlier. "You mean nothing to Soonyoung, and you can't leave."

"I'm your only act," you wince. "You need me."

"Precisely why you can't leave. You're a star." He moves to sit behind his desk. "A bird in a guilded cage is still a bird." He slams a replica of the cage from your act on the surface of his desk. "Remember that, you may go."

"Is something bothering you?" Soonyoung asked tentatively from his usual perch on your vanity. Something in his tone squeezed your heart, you felt bad for icing him out a bit after the events of the night previous. Your eyes bore into the reflection of yourself in the mirror in front of you, not wanting to make him any more suspicious than he already was.

"I'm fine." You muttered before moving to apply more mascara. You could feel his eyes, brown and warm, as he tracked your movements, he observed the delicate way you held the makeup and the concentration you typically did not have on days he was able to join you for your pre-show routine. Wordlessly, he slid off the table and moved to stand behind your chair.

His makeup was streaked with sweat, and maybe tears, the darker facepaint around his eyes tracking down his face. He made eye contact with you in the mirror and you knew you had no chance to lie to him anymore. His eyes stayed trained on yours as he moved closer to your neck, for a terrifying moment you thought he might kiss you there. The only sound in the room for several moments was the rhythm of your breaths as they mingled together.

Soonyoung closed the gap and nuzzled his nose into the flesh of your neck. You watched as his eyes fluttered closed, inhaling before his breath fanned over your skin. He stayed there. inhaling and exhaling, for several moments. The moment seemed to drag on forever and you were frozen waiting to see what he did next. His eyes snapped open and reconnected with yours in the mirror, his pupils were blown.

"What did he do to you?" His voice rattled through you, filled with gravel and malice that wasn't there moments ago. You shook your head. "You smell like fear." He informed you. "So, what did he do to you?" Something about his commanding tone and the way he could identify your fear made you all the more nervous.

"It's nothing, Soonyoung." You croaked, the timidness of your tone surprising even yourself.

"There's no need to be scared of me…" He nuzzled back into your neck. Suddenly, it was all too much. He was too close, or not close enough, his makeup was smearing on your neck.

"I'm not." You assured him, with more conviction. You stood out of your chair suddenly, knocking Soonyoung back. He scrambled back, almost as if he was suddenly aware of what had just happened. His eyes were still warm and brown and Soonyoung so you knew he was aware and lucid, but smelling someone's fear is intimate. He stared back at you curiously, unsure what you were doing out of your chair. "You need your makeup fixed, sit." He nodded at you and sunk into your chair.

You rifled through your makeup and fished out your face paint. Turning around, you found Soonyoung staring up at you, his eyes round. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm fragile."

"You're not, and I'm not looking at you like you are." He informed you, his eyes still sparkling. You dip your brush into the white face paint and begin to pack it onto his cheeks. You began to grow frustrated with the angle you have to work with. You attempt to switch the way you are painting onto his face, to no avail.

"Can I try something?" You huffed. Soonyoung nodded and you wasted no time, you climb into his lap and cage his hips with your thighs. You begin to paint the details onto his face as his hands hesitantly laid on your hips. The silk of your dressing gown cooled his sweaty palms.

A smile played at your lips as his eyes wildly looked everywhere, except you. You weren't aware you had that effect on him. His fingers began toying with the bunched fabric, the threads rubbing together under his fidgeting.

"I'll get called back soon," he whispered to the ceiling.

"So sit still and let me work." You replied simply. His fingers stilled for a moment as he dared to sneak a glance at your face. Your brows were knit in concentration, white face paint smudged across your cheek. His hand floated up to cradle you, thumb swiping your cheek bone gently. You leaned into his touch as you finished the last bit of his makeup, the nose. He hummed at the clear indication you enjoyed his gentle touch.

"Turn around, finish your makeup, I'll be here until I can't be."

You nodded and turned on his lap, his arms wrapped around your waist as you began to apply blush to your cheeks. Soonyoung watched you over your shoulder in the mirror as you delicately applied the detailed makeup for your act. The feathers were Soonyoung's favorite part, they made you look like a hummingbird. He missed hummingbirds.

Suddenly, he went rigid behind you. You watched in the mirror as the clouds returned to his eyes, blocking out the beautiful brown irises. Sighing, you climbed out of his lap and took his usual spot on your vanity. Wordlessly, Soonyoung rose from your chair and exited the room without looking back. It was stupid to cry over the inevitable, but you did anyway.

Soonyoung stuck his cigarette between his lips and stretched his arms over his head. You eyed him curiously as you run your brush through your hair.

"Are you intending to spend your only day off with me, Soonyoung?"

"Would you mind if I did, Birdie?" He teased. Despite the light tone of the question, your blood ran cold.

"Why did you call me that?" You turn to him. He was perched on your vanity, just like any other day. He stared at you, taking his cigarette between his fingers.

"I'm..not sure." He shared earnestly. "Do you hate it?"

"Coming from you…I don't think I do." You smiled at him. He smiled back. He watched your smile falter slightly. You eyed him warily. "You're not doing this just to keep tabs on me, are you?"

"What?" His bottom jutted out like you had just broken his heart. "Look at me, you'd know if I was just here to report your hair brushing routine."

"I'm doing more today than brushing my hair!" You smacked his arm with the back of the hair brush.

"Ow!" He dramatically held his arm. "Careful, or you won't have a partner for your act!" He took a long drag of his cigarette, giving you a moment to study him carefully. His jawline was sharp with the inhale, his eyes closed, his eyelashes falling across his skin. Face stained with the face paint from when you did his makeup the night before.

"Do you ever take off your makeup?"

"I'm not supposed to." He shook his head. "I have to keep up appearances."

"Do you think I could…" You wet a towel with some of your cleanser and look up at him. He nodded. Gently you wash the makeup off of his face. With every pass of the cloth his features became less and less muddled. His cheekbones sat high, in combination with his squared off jaw his face was angular but somehow soft at the same time. His lips were full, his cupid's bow beautifully arched. "Beautiful." You breathed.

His eyes fluttered open, he looked up at you from where he was sitting. His eyes were wide, as if he hadn't realized how close you were to him before now. His gaze flickered to your lips, only for a second before you were kissing him. It was as if kissing him broke something within Soonyoung, his hands were all over you, he kissed back hungrily.

"I haven't," he broke away from your lips, "I haven't kissed someone in so long." He breathed.

"That's okay, as long as it's okay that it's me your kissing." You chased his lips.

"Of course," he pecked your mouth, "I've been wanting to." Butterflies exploded in your stomach at his simple confession, you knew there was something between you but just hearing his confirmation made you feel girlish. He raked his fingers through your hair, "you should wear it like this more often, it's pretty." Heat rose in your cheeks, you knew you were blushing.

He smiled and leaned back in to kiss you again. His lips slotted between yours, his hunger for you returning. Hands found your hips as he pulled you closer, spreading his legs so you could stand between them as he continued to sit on your vanity. Your fingers splayed on his thighs as his tongue swiped against your bottom lip and barely waited for you to grant him entrance before pushing into your mouth. Soonyoung tasted like tobacco and something sweet, figures that a clown would taste like candy. One of his hands left your hip to grip your long hair.

He pulled you back from him by your hair, it wasn't exactly painful but it wasn't a comforting tug. Your eyes fluttered open to see Soonyoung staring past you in horror. Your stomach dropped as you saw him tensed and the clouds attempting to return to his eyes.

"No…" You could barely hear your own voice, it sounded like you were underwater. You watched Soonyoung's lips form I'm sorry before the clouds completely covered his brown irises. returning them to the blank white slate. Soonyoung pushed you to the ground and you watched as he slunk out the door, past the man standing just a foot inside your dressing room.

He walked toward you, squating next to where you were slumped on the floor.

"I'll deal with you later," he moved the hair out of your face, so you could see him. "Don't ever try this shit again." With that, he swept out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"I could hurt you, I could kill him." The ring leader growls at you. "You're stupid for thinking you could sneak around with him like this."

"What are you talking about?" You call from your vanity.

Sleep did not come easily to you after the events of your day off yesterday. You never knew when the ring leader would come for you, or what he was going to do. However, you have long realized the best way to protect yourself, and in some ways Soonyoung, was to pretend you didn't care. Of course, you did care, and you were very scared almost every minute.

"Don't play dumb." He seethed. "Do not touch him, do not think of him."

"I'll do as I please."

"You will not." He brought his hand back and landed a smack to your cheek. It stung and the metal of his rings cut through your skin. "There is nothing waiting for him, no one would know if he lived or died. So I suggest you keep your mouth shut from now on and keep to yourself." He wiped the blood from your cheek. "You don't want blood on your hands, do you little bird?"

You couldn't even cry, not in front of him. Moreover, you were shocked at the boldness of his methods. You never expected him to hit you, or threaten to kill Soonyoung. You shook your head.

"That's what I thought." He took your hair brush and smashed the mirror on your vanity. "I didn't want it to have to come to this, you're talented, you bring in a nice crowd. I'd like to keep you."

You looked at the broken bits of the mirror all over your makeup.

"Get ready, you have a show to do."

You let yourself cry once he was gone, you couldn't do your makeup with glass everywhere and no mirror. Soonyoung would be here soon and he could help you.

Except, Soonyoung never came. You waited for as long as you could but he never showed up. You could only cry until it was time for the show to start. You kept your hair down for the show.

Soonyoung didn't look at you when you joined him backstage. He once again only stared straight ahead. He led you out onto the floor once you were announced. Your outfit and the tears still on your cheeks sparkled in the light. Soonyoung didn't miss a beat in your routine, he even kept you on track at times.

His eyes remained clouded over, but you knew he could tell something was wrong. In the rests in your act he reached out to caress your hair. He ran his hands through it several times. His face remained stoic but his movements became frantic and choppy.

"Stop looking at me like that." You whispered through gritted teeth. You could not handle him being in this state yet he still seemed to care for you. How were you to know if it was a trick from the ring leader or not. He lifted you above his head without another pass at your hair.

The routine was done to perfection on the surface, for all the audience knew he was supposed to do all of that, but as a performer that had been working with him for months you knew he was not okay.

Once the two of you were backstage he held your face in his hands. He did nothing else, he did not speak. However, his brown eyes blinked into view for a fraction of a second before he was gone.

The cool water splashed on your face, shocking your senses. The soap bubbled in your hands and you scrubbed it into your skin, removing the rest of the makeup on your skin. Eyes closed, you thought over the performance. Soonyoung's eyes were white and cloudy but clearly he was able to see through it, at least a little bit, considering he noticed the new streak of white in your hair before you did. You would be lying if you said you understood what was happening lately.

Blindly you grabbed your towel and patted your face dry. When you opened your eyes you nearly screamed, Soonyoung was standing over your shoulder, visible in the mirror. He held a finger to his lips and disappeared down the hallway. You quickly gathered your things and followed in the direction he went.

You found him in the shower room, two of the showers were already on and he was turning the faucet of the third and final one on. When he emerged you could see his eyes were brown again. The showers were filling the room with steam, making his already sweat soaked makeup look worse. He moved toward you, backing you into the door behind you, closing the distance between your bodies he reached behind you and turned the bolt lock.

"Soonyoung…what's going on?" You whispered, a bit disappointed that he didn't take the opportunity to kiss you.

"Can't talk against the door, Birdie." He rasped, his eyes flicked down to where his body pressed against yours, seemingly realizing how close you were just then. "C'mere." He pulled you to the middle shower stall by the tie on your dressing robe.

"You can't get in the shower in your clothes, they'll get ruined." You insisted, your eyes taking in his costume. His eyes flickered with something akin to excitement when yours returned to them.

"Take 'em off me then."

You blinked at him a few times before nodding, your shaking hands reaching to undo the ruffled collar around his neck. His hands found their place on your hips, wearing circles into your hip, the silky fabric of your robe separating your skin from his. You let the collar flutter to the ground as your hands move to the buttons on the front of his shirt. One by one each button is undone and revealing a new swath of skin. You peel the shirt from his shoulders, leaving him shirtless in front of you. Your fingers trailed the hard ridge of his muscles, you knew he was strong, considering he lifts you with ease during your act, but you never imagined that this is what was hiding underneath his shirt.

"Pick up the pace, we don't have all the time in the world." He sighed, wishing he could relish in your touch and be in this moment with you forever. A glint of metal hanging from his nipple caught your eye, you flicked it in retaliation to his words. Soonyoung stifled a moan.

"Freak." You whispered.

"Think about where you are." He looked down at you as you began to fiddle with his pants. "Did you think I wasn't?"

"Well, not like that." You slipped your fingers in the waistband of his pants. "Besides how would you remember?"

"Too far." He growled, catching your hands and tearing them away. He moved quickly to the tie of your dressing gown. "I know how you make me feel, isn't that enough?" He tore the robe from your body, leaving you bare in the middle of the room. His eyes raked down your body, you squirmed under his gaze. "Beautiful." He whispered. Quickly, his pants were off and you tried to look anywhere but where his cock was stiff and leaking.

He pushed you into the shower stall and crowded you against the wall under the warm water. His lips found your neck, close to where he nuzzled his nose just a few days ago. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Are you just trying to fuck me, Soonyoung?" Your voice came out more timid that you meant it to. Your hands found purchase on his biceps.

"No," he breathed into your neck, goosebumps rising where his saliva was coating your skin. "But I'll do that too if you'd like."

"What do you need to talk about?"

"You need to get out of here." He sighed pulling back to look at you. "He's trying to turn you into another servant." His fingers ghosted over your legs, heat pooled in your belly. "Someone like me."

"How do you know?" Your voice quivered as one of his hands cupped your breast and gave an experimental squeeze.

"Your hair, that's how it starts." He buried his face in the crook of your neck and pinched your nipple. "It's turning white, it started after he threatened you." He used his hand not busy with your breast to slowly spread your legs apart slightly. His fingers drag through your folds lightly. "Wet." He comments simply.

"How do you know he threatened me?" You tried not to moan at the soft strokes of his fingers.

"I was there, lover." He watched your face as you tried to contain yourself. "You didn't see me, and he didn't know I was lucid, but I was there." He pressed the pad of his middle finger to that delicious bundle of nerves, you squirmed. "It took everything in me to not break the illusion then, I wanted to rip his throat out with my teeth for talking to you that way." His fingers continued their ruminations through your cunt.

"Why," you whined as he dipped his fingers shallowly into your entrance and leaving just as quickly. "Why didn't you?"

"I need him to think he still has me." His thumb began circling your clit. "If I jump too early you can't escape." He increased the pressure of his fingers, your hips sputter and the coil in your stomach winds itself tighter. "I need you out of here."

"Come with me."

"No." He watched your eyes roll as he suddenly slips two fingers inside of you. "It's too late for me. I know too much, he'd send someone after me." His fingers slide in and out of you, sometimes pressing into the spot that drove you crazy with ease.

"And he won't send anyone for me?" You began to buck your hips, riding his fingers slowly.

"Doubt it, unfortunately you aren't first and you're probably not the last." His other hand moves from your breast to wrap around his cock. You watch as he works you close to your release and pumps his own length, fucking you with his hand and fucking himself with the other.

The visual was all too much, you squeezed your eyes shut and felt yourself tumble over the edge. Soonyoung's hand was off his cock and clamped over your mouth as your orgasm took over. He continued to fuck his fingers into your core as you rode it out.

"Shh, be a good girl and be quiet for me." He cooed. As you began to come down you cracked your eyes open. Soonyoung was close to your face, his makeup almost completely washed away. Slowly, he removed his hand and replaced it with his mouth, he tasted like a mixture of sweat and the water pouring out of the shower head. His lips were soft and they moved in sync with yours. His tongue swiped across your bottom lip and you parted your lips to allow him to explore your mouth.

It was you who pulled away first, "fuck me, Soonyoung, you said you would."

"Will you let me help you escape?"

"Yes."

He hoisted you up effortlessly, your back against the shower wall and your legs around his waist. He used the wall and one of his hands to hold you in place and used the other hand to line himself up with your entrance. He eased you onto his cock slowly. The stretch felt delicious as he bottomed out and returned his hand to your thigh. You felt his fingers digging into your skin but you didn't care. Not in the slightest.

"Are you okay, Birdie?"

You couldn't help but moan at the question. His hand returned to its place over your mouth as he began to fuck up into you. You felt every inch of him sliding in and out of your soaked cunt. You draped your arms over his shoulders, one hand raking your nails over the expanse of his back, the other tangling in his hair.

His eyes were wild, boring into yours. "You feel perfect, I knew you would." He grunted quietly. His fingers were digging into your skin, at your thigh and on your cheek. The water was still running over your bodies. You felt so full, a fullness you hadn't felt in a long time.

Soonyoung clearly hadn't felt the warm embrace of a cunt around his cock in a long time either, he began desperately pounding into you, his thrusts becoming sloppy. "Cum with me, please, I need it." He begged. You hadn't realized how quickly your second orgasm was approaching until you heard the whine in his voice. You felt out of control, your hips bucking as best as they could in this position. Soon you felt Soonyoung release inside you, never slowing down his thrusts, allowing you to ride out the orgasm that him finishing inside of you triggered. White hot pleasure mounted in your belly and it took everything in you to stay quiet.

Soonyoung pulled out of you slowly, his cock softening and falling limply. He set you gently back down on your feet. "Let me help you get cleaned up." He sank to his knees and held your thighs as he lapped up his own cum from your spent cunt. His tongue slid through your folds making you shiver with overstimulation, he anchored your hips with his hands, crushing your cunt to his mouth. He spit a few mouthfuls down the drain and delivered a kiss to your clit before rising and kissing your lips. He tasted like a mixture of yours and his own spend.

Soonyoung insisted the two of you move quietly and quickly back to your room. His hand was grasped in yours as he ran down the hall, dragging you behind him. As soon as you stepped foot into the room Soonyoung closed the door behind you and moved to your closet.

"Do you need everything?" He looked over his shoulder at you.

"No…I don't think so…" You sat on the bed and watched him sort through the few clothes you brought with you. He pulled out a turtleneck sweater and some jeans. He couldn't have known, but he picked your favorite sweater. You shook your head.

"What's wrong?" He turned to you and tossed the clothes on the bed next to you.

"I can't, not without you." Tears burned in your eyes as you watched him fall to his knees in front of you.

"Birdie, you have to." His fingers splayed over your thighs, his eyes searching yours pleadingly.

"What about you?" You whispered.

"I'll be fine, it's too late for me."

"It's not!" You insisted taking his face in your hands.

"It is." He leaned into your touch. "He can call me at any moment, I'm lucky I've been able to be here with you for this long." You knew he was right, dread settled in your stomach. Leaving Soonyoung here was suddenly your worst nightmare.

"I'll come back for you."

"I knew it." His eyes sparkled mischievously. "Fell in love with my cock, you're obsessed with me."

"Soonyoung." You bristled. "I'm being serious."

"So am I." He squeezed your thighs. "So listen when I say this: do not try to save me."

"But—"

"I'm beyond saving, Birdie." He rose to his feet and pressed his lips to your forehead. "We both know it, no use prolonging it."

He helped you dress in silence. It was disorienting, his eyes being brown but he wasn't saying a word. He didn't want to tell you that there was a pain in his chest that could double him over if he wasn't used to excruciating pain. He didn't want you to leave, you were the only thing that made his miserable life worth living. He liked remembering and talking and you. He wasn't sure he was ready to give all that up, but he had to. For you.

He draped your coat over your shoulders. "It has to be getting cold by now." He mumbled as you shoved your arms through the sleeves. He pulled the hood over your head. "You'll be a fugitive in his eyes soon, keep your head down and don't look back." You nodded. "You ready?"

"If I have to be." You let a tear fall. Soonyoung swiped it from your cheek.

"You do." He lightly pressed his lips to yours, you knew it was a goodbye. He slipped his hand into yours and gave you a nod before taking off down the hall with you. At first you thought you were heading to the front entrance until Soonyoung took a sharp turn down a corridor you don't remember ever seeing before. Do you understand what might happen if Soonyoung broke free? The ringleader's voice rang in your ears.

"You're not supposed to see this." Soonyoung whispered as you approach a nondescript door off the side of the hallway.

"See what?" You peered around Soonyoung. "It's just a door."

"What's beyond the door, Birdie, come on." He knocked lightly on the top of your head. "You're smarter than this."

"It's our last moments together and you're using them to make fun of me?" You shoved him lightly. "Why do you know what's behind it?"

"I thought you knew who I was." He smirked. "I'm important around here." He turned the door knob and threw the door open.

You weren't sure what you were expecting when the door opened. It wasn't this. Behind the door there was a swirling light, it shifted from white to blue to purple, sometimes it was every color all at once. You took a step toward it and Soonyoung caught you around the waist.

"Easy there, tiger." His thumb drew circles into your hip, you were starting to realize this was a nervous habit of his. "You need a few instructions before you leap in." His face was illuminated by the glow beyond the doorway, making him look angelic. You wiped all of his makeup off when you showered together, washing away all the grime.

"I wasn't going to walk in, I just wanted a better look." You leaned closer to his body, letting him hold you close.

"I need you to think about home." He whispered in your ear. "Think about your bed, warm and waiting for you." He coaxed.

"Soonyoung what are you—"

"No." He shushed you. "This can only work if you trust me and do as I say. We're running out of time, I feel him getting restless." You nod and close your eyes, thinking of your apartment. Your bed began to materialize in your mind. "Good." You heard Soonyoung murmur. He sounded a thousand miles away. His lips were on your forehead. "Take a step back for me," His voice was broken.

You do as your told. You opened your eyes, Soonyoung had tears streaming down his face and clouds forming in his eyes. He closed the door slowly, his lips were forming goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. You would scream if you thought it wouldn't alert the ringmaster.

It was too bright, you were blinded as you fell through the nothingness. Your stomach flipped, falling for what felt like hours. You squeezed your eyes shut, something telling you to brace for impact. The light surrounding you became brighter, the roaring became louder and then, suddenly, nothing. Everything stopped.

You sat up in your bed gasping for air.

Your eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, your room, your apartment. The room is exactly how you left it two months ago, your dance clothes strewn about. You threw your covers off your body and sprinted to the bathroom. You flipped on the lights and looked at yourself in the mirror.

The white in your hair was gone.

You don't know when you started crying. Probably shortly after you realized it was all a dream. None of it was real, Soonyoung, the circus, everything was some twisted joke from your subconscious. You drag yourself back to your bed, you wrapped yourself in your blankets as the tears stream down your face. It felt so real. You could still feel Soonyoung's lips on your skin.

The clock on your bedside table read 2:14 am. You fell into a fitful sleep, dreams swirled behind your eyelids. Nothing concrete, more like fleeting visions. Soonyoung's brown eyes, the circus, your act. Eventually, at 7:00 am you decide to cut your losses and make coffee. You felt like a zombie going through the motions. Mug from the cabinet, coffee grounds from the pantry, waiting for the pot to boil.

You shuffle back to your room to look for job listings. The coffee takes a few moments to hit your system, but when it does you only feel slightly more alive. After finding a few potential auditions, you untangle yourself from your chair and pad to the bathroom for a shower.

Your clothes fall to the floor as the water heats up. You stretch your arms over your head, your tight muscles loosening only slightly, and something on your leg catches your eye. You turn fully toward the mirror and gasp.

There were purple fingerprint bruises littering your thighs.

There was a roaring in his ears, whether it was the crowd waiting for him or the anger coursing through his body, Soonyoung wasn't sure. He bounced on his heels, waiting for the ringleader to introduce your act, the act he will be doing alone. His eyes bored into the side of his captor's head as the man's voice boomed throughout the big top.

When the ringleader made way for what he thought would be your act, with Hoshi assisting as always. However, only Soonyoung was walking out into the center of the ring, the cage you should be in is empty. He could see the anger rolling off of the ringleader from his spot in the center of the room. Good, that was the goal, the circus would collapse right now if Soonyoung had his way.

The clown went through the motions as if you were with him, there was an uncomfortable hush over the audience. They were unsure if they were supposed to clap or look on in horror as the performance in front of them unraveled. Soonyoung looked nothing short of terrifying, his makeup streamed down his face, his blond hair was wild and unkempt.

As the end of the performance neared, the ringleader stood from his seat in the audience, staring Soonyoung down as he made a mockery of the circus he worked so hard to build. The music crescendoed and dropped off, leaving the entire building cloaked in silence. After a few seconds there were a few stray applause. Soonyoung stared right at the ring leader, holding eye contact he lowered into a disjointed bow. They stayed there, staring at each other for several seconds before the lights in the building cut out. Soonyoung felt an icy cold hand scruff the back of his neck and pull him out of the main space.

"You let her go!" The ringleader shoved Soonyoung against the wall of the large office. "You absolute fool!"

"That's what you prefer me to be, isn't it?" Soonyoung smirked in the face of his captor. The ringleader pressed the clown's windpipe under his forearm.

"Since when do you think for yourself, Soonyoung?" The ringleader spat, pressing further against his neck. "You can't."

"Someone," Soonyoung's ragged breaths filled the room, "keeps lying to me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Give it up," Soonyoung smiled, "I know everything."

"I could kill you, you know?" The ringleader flicked a switchblade out of his pocket.

"Running the risk of Y/N squealing to the cops, just for them to find my body?"

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Right." Soonyoung brought up his foot and landed a kick to his captor's knee, causing him to fall backward. "Because you're a demon, aren't you? Daddy can call you back to Hell at any time, so why would it matter?" He kicked the hand that is clutching the switchblade and it skittered across the cement floor.

"What are you talking about Soonyoung?" The ringleader watched the knife as it escaped his grasp. "You've known me for years." He returned his gaze to Soonyoung's, only realizing now that his eyes were brown. He had no control. He attempted to regain that control over his clown. The ringleader watched as the clouds stormed in Soonyoung's eyes, his neck tensing and his veins pulsing as he fought the possession. The clouds retreated, leaving Soonyoung's eyes brown and wild. He looked catatonic.

"Known you for years?" Soonyoung squatted down next to the ringleader and cocked his head. "Maybe I've been here for years, but I have never known you." He moved his foot to step on the other man's fingers. "You made it so that I don't remember anything about my life, you're the reason I couldn't think for myself. And yet, I don't know a single thing about you." He increased the pressure on the hand under his boot, the ringleader yelping in pain.

"You said you know everything!" The ringleader shouted, looking pleadingly at his now broken fingers under Soonyoung's foot.

"Not everything." Soonyoung shifted to shove his knee into the demon's chest. "What do you want with us?" Soonyoung watched as some of the demon's hair began sprouting white, right from the roots. "Are you getting scared now?" He smiled wickedly.

"I need it to live." The ringleader choked. "Your fear, your subservience, I need it."

"Well, we're at a crossroads then, demon." Soonyoung pressed his knee into the man's chest harder. "I'm not scared of you anymore."

"You should be."

"No, you're powerless aren't you?" Soonyoung asked, voice dripping in a venom he didn't even know he possessed. "You can't possess me, can you Phobos?" The demon's body suddenly burned with white hot pain everywhere Soonyoung was touching him.

"What have you done?" Phobos cried. His leathery wings materialized beneath him as he thrashed with pain, trying to shake Soonyoung off.

Soonyoung pinned the demon to the floor with his knee.

"All I needed was your name. Next time keep a better lock on your books and always know where your clown is at all times." Phobos' body began to disintegrate under Soonyoung's hold. He watched as the demon's skin began to crack, revealing the pitch black soul underneath.

Soonyoung jumped back from the body on the floor as a large chasm opened up beneath it, sickly looking hands with talons emerged and pulled Phobos through. This banishment wouldn't hold forever, Soonyoung knew that much, but enough time for him to escape and hopefully find you.

Over the next few years, the Midnight Menagerie faded into a low burn in the back of your mind. Sometimes you still had nightmares, but for the most part you were able to move on with your life. You had a steady job, you could pay your bills and still have some left over every month.

For all intents and purposes you should be happy. That would be, if it weren't for how often you thought about Soonyoung. For a few months you looked for him, you looked for any evidence that he and the circus were real. You knew they were, but you couldn't find any evidence of them ever existing. Which, admittedly, made sense considering you had never heard anything about it until the ring master wanted you to. Still, leaving Soonyoung behind was one of your greatest regrets.

Everything reminded you of him, every person on the street looked like him some days.

You flipped the calendar on your desk, a purple X stared back at you. Today was the two year anniversary of your escape. You blinked in disbelief, how could you forget? Maybe that's what was supposed to happen, you'll never heal but it will get easier every year. It had to.

After work, you decided you deserved a treat and you walked to the bakery down the block. On your way there the people blurred together and once again everyone seemed to bare a resemblance to Soonyoung.

"One pistachio pastry, please." You smiled meekly at the person behind the bakery counter. You recieved your treat and payed the woman at the register.

Pushing through the door you peeled back the parchment paper it was wrapped in so you could eat it on your way home. Suddenly, you collided with something solid, sending your pastry tumbling down onto the sidewalk. You opened your mouth to tell this person off for stopping in the middle of the walkway but he was already apologizing.

"Oh gosh," He squatted down to pick the now ruined pastry up. "I'm so sorry, I was trying to remember where I was going and I just didn't realize how busy this street is at this time of night and—"

"It's fine." You sighed, cutting off his rambling. "Today was already a shit day. No worries." He stood, his hands were full of pistachio pastry. You could barely look at him because you knew he would just remind you of Soonyoung.

"Do you want me to throw this out..?" He asked, looking around for a trashcan.

"Ugh." You grab it from him and turn to your left, where a trashcan was waiting for you. "I got it. Have a good night."

"Wait." He grabbed your hand, something familiar shot through your body. "Do I know you?" You allowed yourself to look at him, really look at him. His eyes were brown.

"Soonyoung?" You whispered.

"Oh my God." His eyes welled with tears. He pulled you to his chest and wrapped his arms around you tightly. His lips were pressing kisses into your hair and his thumb was wearing circles into your hip.

"Your hair is black."