Wander in Wonder

My friend once asked "do you still love him?"

In that moment I realised everytime I think of him it was not of my memory of him but instead I was wondering how he's doing.

I love him for him, not because what we've been through, not because the memories we've made, but solely him.

How he feels, though, is an entirely different thing and is up to him.

As long as i know he's happy and well, then I'm glad and grateful.

My 25th birthday is almost here, and I feel as anxious as ever

Just like 5 years ago, when I just broke up from a 3,5 years relationship and had to leave the comfort of my teenage years alone.

Back then entering my 20s seemed daunting. But that year, in July 2016 I found myself making new friends and being happy.

New year 2017, I found the perfect partner to brave the ocean called adulthood.

I was the happiest I’ve ever been, genuinely happy after such a long time being down in the dump.

Figuring out life as an adult was so manageable if not easy, because I had the perfect partner. We did everything and figured out everything together.

It felt like I could take on the world, us against the world, or so I thought.

Fast forward to 4 years later, it ended.

Just when I thought I was the happiest I could be, found my forever, and have all figured out, it’s all gone.

I was wrong.

So wrong on so many levels.

and now I’m getting deja vu from 5 years ago.

I have to enter the 2nd half of my 20s, alone.

I feel terribly lonely.

I’m sad, angry, disappointed, overall terrible.

He was my go-to person to tell whatever I was feeling. But now I couldn’t and that makes me mad.

I’d take it out on him, making sure he feels as terrible as I do.

Then I’d keep blaming myself and feeling guilty for doing that because I know it wasn’t even his fault.

I think that’s because I wasn’t ready to move forward. I was scared.

Somehow, I convinced myself that if I move forward it’d mean that I’m betraying him and

dismissing the good things that happened for the past 4 years, and that those 4 years weren’t real.

Actually, that’s how I feel... betrayed. 

I’m left with the feeling that I'm insignificant. As if those years meant nothing to him even though I know it’s not true. but still... my brain convinced me that that’s the case.

Because I know it feels horrible, I don’t want him to feel that way.

Then I realised, I care about him too much.

Too much for my own good, too much It became toxic for the both of us.

So I have to let go, for my own good. For the sake of myself.

Because no one should matter more than me.

Now I'm so full with determination.

I don’t want to be this anxious around my birthday, 

I don't want to feel like this again when I have to leave my 20s and turn 30

or ever.

The solution to that is I have to be able to make myself happy.

Rely on myself to be happy.

Because I’m the only person who will never leave me for the rest of my life.

So, here’s what I’m gonna do.

If i want to go to the beach, then I’ll take myself to the beach

If i want to get flowers, I’ll buy myself pretty flowers

If I want to be loved, I’ll just have to love myself.

I don’t need to be anyone’s significant other to feel significant.

Always remember Dhil: 

you could, cause you can, so you do.

I’ve been wanting to try making TikTok videos but never got a chance (or will) to actually do it. Since it’s May, I told myself that I have to do it before i turn 24 on the 29th.

It’s been more than a month of self-isolation or self-quarantine due to the COVID-19 outbreak. I didn’t really realised then, how bad the situation could turn out.

Now I know it’s pretty bad.

I can’t really understand how I’m feeling about the whole self-quarantine situation. Bored? yes of course; demotivated about long-term goals? uh huh; want to do something new? yes I do; but do I have the motivation to do that? no, not really.

Being able to stay at home is a privilege and I think being able to stay productive at home is also a privilege that not everyone has.

What I meant is, not all people enjoy being stuck at home 24/7, it could be frustrating and depressing for some especially those who have to stay with a toxic family/partner.

Many say that during this time, If you don’t start a new business, learn new skill, or get a new hobby that means you’re just lazy. But i think, being able to create or make something out of this situation is a huge blessing not an obligation.

Do not compare yourself to others on social medias who, you think, are doing better than you. Don’t belittle yourself, don’t feel intimidated by the non-existent standard that you have to come out as a whole new improved version of yourself.

Because you’re not in a cocoon and you don’t need to come out as a butterfly.

Last Saturday (Feb 15th) we got matching tattoos!!!

+ a tiny tattoo of my mom's initials on the side of my finger, which is a qtpie.

We're not much of a couple that celebrate valentines, nor anniversaries. But THIS YEAR we got matching tattoos for valentines!

Well, it was mostly because there was a valentines promo, but we've always wanted to get some tattoos, SO WHY THE HELL NOT, RIGHTT?

Here's a picture.

I saw someone asked on twitter "how do you know it's love?"

at first I was not sure which moment to pinpoint the first time i know it's love. But then I started thinking about him and realised it doesn't matter when did the feeling start.

So here's my answer:

When i look into his eyes (cheesy but true). The way he just looks at me and then smiles and how he admires my quirks. It's crazy, we've been together for 3 years and thinking about him always makes my heart full, every.single.time.

Tokyo, Autumn 2019

These are my favourite outfits during my last trip to visit my dear brother in Tokyo last autumn.

The weather was cool, I got to play around with layers and still look cute since it wasn't too cold that i had to wear bulky coats and sweaters.

And boy those black boots are versatile, I wore them every day, paired them with dresses, jeans, corduroy pants, it just goes with everything!

Those boots are something i never knew i needed, SO to my mom who bought them for me❤️

Definitely the best season to tap into that inner fashion stylist you got within yourself.

Time surely flies, went away in a flash,

thank god I didn’t crash.

Tears shed, hardships endured,

with it lessons learned,

and achievements earned.

Places I traveled, with the ones beloved,

memories created, forever treasured.

2018 I feel blessed,

2019 let’s make a blast.

Maybe you've heard about Eid maybe you haven't, basically Eid Al-Fitr is considered as the day of victory for moslems after a month of fasting in Ramadhan cleansing our souls, and it's the day as if we're reborn as an innocent child.

On this day, moslems use it as a momentum to start over, to ask forgiveness from others and as a momentum to reunite with family back home.

In Ramadhan we try to do our best to do good deeds, once Eid comes we feel like we've just accomplished a mission, a holy one, and we celebrate it with such festivity.

But while we're preparing for Eid, we tend to forget that we're supposed to continue doing those good deeds, we try so hard to look our best, try so hard to celebrate Eid in a perfect way, and when things go a little not as planned, we get mad, our moods turn bad, and we hurt the feelings of others.

I feel like we're so burdened and pressured by the need to have Eid so perfectly that it makes us forget the true essence of Eid, which is to do good, be forgiving, and have a clean heart.

BUT do we really have a heart big enough to ask for forgiveness and to forgive? OR WHAT WE DO TODAY IS JUST MERELY AN ANNUAL ROUTINE?

I don't know, i just feel like it is merely a routine. That we think so much on what shown on the outside than what's inside our hearts. I feel like, getting together and asking forgiveness on Eid has become just a form of formality,

In some random universe,

3 green aliens, Jarr, Jamm, and Jojo, just hyperspaced into system R-420. It's, what they think as, their dream system where everything seems so lit and oddly attractive. I mean, there's a pink cat chilling on the ring of a planet, or that (supposedly) white pony with pink hair leaving rainbow trails as it walks. And that pink planet, THAT looks like a planet-sized pimple...or is it?

Meanwhile,

Three dudes, Jared, James, and Jonas, are sitting in a stolen car at some deserted parking lot, smoking weed while reading a My Little Pony fan-fiction with Star Wars soundtracks playing in the background.

side note: Although I've never smoked weed but i don't think it actually has this kind of effects on you?

According to a good friend of mine, acid has this kind of effects on you, but kush makes you creative, or deep, af.

ArtScience Museum

Gardens By the Bay

I just got back from a short trip with my best friend before we start our thesis.

We went to a country of mermaid and lion. It's a small country and I'm sure many of its attractions are human made, one of them is Gardens by The Bay.

Gardens by The Bay has became one of the most visited ones. The concept of it is not a usual garden or park, it's a glass greenhouse, a huge one with air conditioners. Definitely made me wonder about the greenhouse effect on global warming.

We walked around the Cloud Forest and Flower Dome and took several pictures. I think they're impressive, so many greens, flowers and waterfall. The place are so huge that our feet were so tired and felt like they're gonna come off but we didn't break a sweat, because they're air conditioned!

I think I made an excellent choice of clothing that day. Pink scarf, green pattern shirt, and pink shades. I felt like Chirrut in Rogue One; I was one with the forest and the forest was with me.

Here are some pictures, all credits go to my dear friend Khansaa.

Tick, Tock

nothing

nothing

"what are you waiting?"

Tick, Tock

Tick, Tock

"someone to knock"

Another Tick

Another Tock

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