Daise

People love the idea of me but can't handle the reality of me. People want me so bad and then once they have me, I am too much for them, and they want me to be different. They make me feel seen and appreciated for who/how I am at first and then once they relaize how deeply I dive and feel on the inside (which ironically is what makes me seem so intresting and appealing on the outside) they are not down for the depth, the shadows, the healing, the emotional and energetic investments. Ultimately, I loose myself trying to be different for them, trying to be less than myself so that I can be loved.. but that's not love.. at least not the unconditional kind. I am done reducing myself to meet someone else's expectations, to make someone else feel comfortable. I am done repeating patterns and sumbitting myself to toxic situations just so I dont have to be alone. Every time I end up there I have to drink and smoke myself numb so that I feel nothing at all, so that I can exist with less desire to imporve, to heal, to grow, and to live. I want to be everything I can possibly be. I want to feel all the light things and face all the dark ones, and I want to do that with someone with shared energy and desires. I want someone to take my hand and jump into the depths of life with me, not someome who will hold me back and make me feel guilty for even wanting to dip my toes in. I am absolutely done with being complacent just to have something that's love adjacent.