stupid canadian wolf bird

I depressed because sometimes it hits me on how much I have to do on my own still. How upset I am that I don’t have a financially stable partner. How upset I am that he always argues with his family and they always want to bicker. His brother who can be sooo disgusting at home and eating out. But the excuse is - oh, it’s not his fault. It’s his diagnosis. But I just keep hearing excuses.

I’m just tired. I don’t want to play video games every night. Some nights is fun but sometimes I need a break from it. I get bored of it and it’s not relaxing to me. And it made me mad that you got mad at my friend for trying to figure out what to do in her turn cause you were so impatient and sleepy. Like, be an adult, say you’re tired. I know I fuck up too and say “oh, I’ll be fine” but if you’re tired AND cranky, then stop playing.

It’s so simple.

It’s all so fucking simple.

I love him. With all my heart, but he makes some days hard. I feel like he can bitch about his job, his finances, his bike (which I think he doesn’t treat it well and that’s why it’s always fucked up) but I can’t. If I’m too negative, he doesn’t like it.

But it just really bothered me that he essentially made it clear he doesn’t want to go see one movie with me. I know he’d go to the movies with me. We’ve seen plenty of bad or mediocre movies, but it bothered me when I was asking him (while I was all tipsy and cute) if he’d go to see a movie with. And he basically was shitting on it and asked me “and YOU really want to see that?” I do - but do I with you? It just bummed me out. And made me think that maybe I shouldn’t drag him to things if he isn’t even remotely interested in them.

But telling him, no suggesting, that maybe we don’t go together, he blows up. Not angry, but definitely accusatory. Saying I don’t want to do things with him anymore.

But… how is sparing him from seeing a movie he doesn’t want to see doing that? And then he brings up how I groaned when he said “I want to stay and watch some of the next hockey game” maybe I did groan, but I was genuinely surprised he wanted to stay. And he said his response to my “groan” was sarcasm but I didn’t take it that way. His tone really makes it difficult to tell. Some days I can brush it off, some days it’s just me. He said “god forbid, I have a social life.” And that just pissed me off.

I never said he can’t have a social life. I was just surprised he wanted to stay and watch. Especially since he shits on his team a lot and we were going to watch his old team.

Maybe I’m crazy but to me if people don’t want me on their team and made it clear they don’t really care about me, I don’t care to stay. Guess that’s different in hockey. Different for guys.

I’m just sad and mad. I have been so angry lately. But am I wrong? Are we both wrong?

I feel horrible. I’m mad. I’m mad at him because he bitches about being poor but doesn’t do anything to change his financial situation. I have to support him financially and I don’t even make enough to do that. I have GAVE HIM over $3k and he is just so fucking ungrateful. Not that I gave him money for recognition or reward but fucking save the money I give, or store away money you can’t touch.

And I have to find a house for us and he’s just going to live there for free? What? Cooking and taking out the trash and doing “manly” things to help around the house? Meanwhile I will have a mortgage, electricity, taxes, internet, groceries.

Like what the fuck? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

I’m so angry. I feel like he’s such a hypocrite.