Andrea Bomo on A Fatherless Child
When my dad left- a shift happened not only in my life but also in my mind: I had to create a new paradigm where being strong was the only choice I had. The only way to survive. I was fortunate enough to still have my mother at this critical time. But this void my dad left, this painful and timeless trauma, remained unchanged. I was fatherless and broken, no matter what I would do to hide or forget it. âDaddyâs issuesâ ruined a big part of my life, but I was too busy being strong to notice. What started as a defense mechanism became my personality. A few years later, the young woman I have become is changed, for better and for worse. My strength, resilience and courage became my greatest allies. My vulnerability, insecurities, fear of abandonment became my demons. My story is perhaps painful, but far from being isolated.
Many teenage girls and young women around the world suffer from emotional trauma due to father loss whether itâs caused by death, abandonment, divorce, imprisonment, addiction, emotional or physical absence. Whatever the circumstances causing the absence of the father are, the impact is critical as the father-daughter relationship strongly influences key factors of personal development among young women such as: relationships, self-esteem, aspirations, confidence and self-love. Over the years, they become vulnerable young women who find it harder to build healthy personal and professional lives as they are building their lives, relationships, aspirations, and self-representation on the basis of this trauma, especially when it occurs during adolescence. They suffer from trust issues, low self-esteem and fear of abandonment which create the unhealthy need to be accepted and loved at all costs. Most of the time, these symptoms usually go unnoticed and unacknowledged as these young women do not necessarily understand the root issue causing their behavior, and build a façade around themselves. From dysfunctional behaviors, unhealthy relationships to chronic depression, the fatherless daughter syndrome can take several forms over the years and even be forgotten for some time, without actually disappearing. Rather, it gives rise to a vicious cycle of self-destruction mechanisms, self-doubt, and unhealthy or abusive relationships in their lives. Because we feel unloved and unworthy, we search for love and validation in all the wrong places, which make us vulnerable and exposed to both physical and emotional abuse. The social and economic environment as well as the family structure are factors that influence or reinforce the impact of fatherlessness in the lives of girls and young women. Having a support system is crucial in this context as girls often feel vulnerable and struggle to open up about what they experience, yet millions of children around the world go through the same thing. A survey of the U.S. Census Bureau estimated at 24.7 million the number of children who live without the physical presence of their biological father in the United States. While in Canada, over 80% of single-parent families are led by women (www.imfcanada.org / Statistics Canada). Fatherlessness is the greatest social problem in North America according to 72.2% of the U.S. population (National Center for Fathering). Other studies show that 71% of teenage pregnancies comes from fatherless homes and 92% of girls who come from fatherless home are more likely to divorce. These statistics demonstrate that children thrive with the active and meaningful participation of both parents, and fathers play an important role in child and teen development. Understanding the impact of fatherlessness in young womenâs lives specifically, the emotional trauma caused by father loss and the consequences on society is key if we want to build a healthier society.
The father-daughter relationship has a strong impact on the mental construct of teenage girls. If this relationship is broken for various reasons whatsoever, the young woman suffers and it has an impact on almost every aspect of her life.
Since childhood, fathers have a critical impact on their daughtersâ lives as they are both their first guides to the outside world and their first reflections of themselves, symbol of recognition of their own value. A healthy and uninterrupted relationship between a father and a daughter greatly helps to create a positive self-image and therefore will have a positive influence on her aspirations and relationships. When this relationship is suddenly broken for some reason, the daughterâs cycle of identity development is also interrupted. Adolescence and preadolescence are critical times where young women build themselves: their body change, they make a transition from girls to young women, and in this transition, the fatherâs role is important. The emotional trauma caused by father loss not only weakens the girl, but creates a void she will somehow try to fill by all means possible.
Consequently, she becomes exposed to all forms of danger and abuse. Fatherless young women often become self-destructive, violent, vulnerable, sexually promiscuous, prone to abuse, unstable and develop a conflictual relationship with their femininity and sexuality. They find it difficult to trust and live in constant fear of abandonment which sometimes lead them to make unhealthy choices for themselves in order to please others and feel accepted. In their professional and social lives, the absence of a paternal figure, that of a guide and protector, manifests itself through a lack of self-worth and consequently create more difficulties for them to be stable and become autonomous. Or conversely, they become obsessed with their professional achievements that give them the illusion to fill that void.
Romantic relationships is undoubtedly the area in which the impact of father loss is felt the most in young womenâs life. Growing up, a father figure is similar to that of the âPrince Charmingâ, a sort of masculine ideal in a girlâs mind. Itâs her first male reference, one that embodies the values necessary for her to build her identity: guidance, protection, authority, discipline, kindness, confidence and absolute love. When they become adults, womenâs choices of partners are highly influenced by this ideal (and illusory) image of the father figure and the relationship they had or would have loved to have with him, thus causing unhealthy and often abusive relationships. Many of these women will particularly struggle during separation and break-ups as they make an emotional projection of their dads on their partner, while others experience more difficulties to trust, express their feelings and commit. It is common that fatherless young women unconsciously repeat the same relationships patterns that manifest through a constant fear of abandonment, insecurities, difficulties to open up, a conflictual relationship to male authority and defense mechanisms. They usually create a shell around themselves that seems strong on the outside, but deep inside, they remain extremely vulnerable.
But relationships could also be where healing happens. I believe Iâm a proof of that. After several chaotic relationships, being with the right partner finally helped me understand my trauma â a trauma I didnât even know existed and patterns I never paid attention to. I became more aware, and it was the beginning of my healing journey. Being in a healthy relationship where you feel safe, you can trust and open up without the fear of being vulnerable can really be therapeutic. On the other hand, a lot of (broken) men take advantage of vulnerable young women with the Fatherless Daughter Syndrome: because they can see their wounds, they will use it against them. And thatâs when relationships become abusive.
In this growing social issue, I believe everyone has a role to play. Mothers play a fundamental role in building a positive identity and self-esteem in young women and girls, but most of the time, they lack the tools to understand their daughterâs critical needs triggered by their fatherâs absence. And since they are not aware of it, they are not be able to fix it. In certain cases, the presence of a stepfather or a strong male figure can be positive in the lives of fatherless young women, without necessarily filling the void nor healing her wounds, it can provide the guidance, trust and safety they need. But the real work is within as it takes a real introspection and emotional support to undo self-destruction patterns caused by years of emotional suffering and denial. A trauma remains like an open wound as long as it is not addressed.
