Mae 🖤

TW: ED TALK

Hey all, I'm sorta back. I tried recovering and was successful, but I find myself falling back into certain patterns when things are uncertain in life, or when things get complicated. I feel as though this isn't talked about much, the relapse and struggle to free yourself from this mental disorder. I find myself finding comfort in it, as it is a constant, something I can control. I feel safe and at home in the thoughts and feelings of this mental disorder, although ultimately it is killing me, and might end up killing me. But in the moment, it is the one thing I can count on, the one thing there for me. You may think because I realize this that there's no way that I could relapse, I'm so self aware. Honestly, being self aware might be worse. I know what I do is bad, I dont have the bliss of doing things without thinking of the reprocussions, about the side effects, and the pain of possibly hurting others, and of course myself and my future. Temporary comfort to me over shadows the gloom and darkness that surrounds this mental disorder, even though many are blind to it or are like me, and try their hardest to ignore it and push it away. Ultimately, the satisfying quickness of loss of weight, the euphoric feeling of being empty and "light", the temporary feeling of comfort, trumps all the negative, because I think the negative will never catch up to me, I can stay ahead of it. Take the vitamins, drink the water, getting sleep. It's a prolonged coping mechanism for the inevitable. To whoever is reading this, do as you please. I understand the comfort, and it is nice. It really is. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to shake the feeling of what may come to you all, and to myself.

I'm not sure what my point is in all of this, i just needed a place to tell how I feel, and maybe connect with a few of you. This tumblr space is so pro everything, that no one really talks about the real shit, the stuff people avoid talking about because it may seem weak, or that you're not doing a "good job" in this disorder. I understand that for these disorders specifically, it can get very competitive. But i think transparency is so important in this community.